loulou1981

This might make me sound like I'm overreacting but I don't feel I am.

I have a friend coming over 4 dinner 2nite, I have bought her a nice bottle of wine & myself some diet coke. Im more than fine being around people who r drinking & I'm certain i wont drink so its no issue.
I get home & fiance says "ru drinking that" pointing to the wine. Of course I'm like "no u idiot, I don't drink, it's for ****" so his reply (which is the annoying bit) was "well I don't know, I don't really care if the kids r away"! (At grandparents 2nite) well my reply was "u CANNOT say stuff like that, I CAN'T have any 'its ok to drink comments"!!!!!! Now my sodding AV is talking very loudly, I'm peed off!!!!!

RushTogether

The problem is having the wine in the house at all...in my opinion.

sva777

Maybe next time don't buy any wine. If my wife and I have people over we have plenty of non alcoholic drinks available and if people aren't happy they can be shown the door. This is my house and my sobriety is of utmost importance.

That said I don't think your fiance was giving you a hard time, sometimes our significant others just don't understand fully what we are going through.

Keep the wine away.

loulou1981

Yeah I guess if it wasn't there, nothing would have been said!!!

RushTogether

I wouldn't be putting this all on your fiance.

Having wine in the house just gives your AV an excuse

shirlygirly

I think it all depends on how firm you are in your sobriety. In early sobriety I couldn't have anything in the house. I'm only a few years sober, but for the most part when people come over to my house, no one is drinking. There was one time in the last year I when I had a few people over for a celebration and told them if they wanted something to drink they could bring it with them and take it back when they left, which they did with a bottle of wine they brought. However, I wouldn't be caught dead at a wine and spirits shop or beer distributor.

Before living in my own house, I did live with other people who drank, minimally. So, there would be beer in our fridge. What was nuts was that at that point in my sobriety I didn't even notice it in the house! I was so far removed from drinking that a beer can or two in the fridge looked like a jar of peanut butter to a person with a peanut allergy. I'd never even for a second think about touching it.

In my experience, if I'm grounded in my sobriety I can be around people who are having a drink or two. However, I wouldn't buy it, supply it, or keep it in my own house.

So to avoid comments like that for the time being, get rid of the booze. Just like you don't want to be tempted to drink, you don't want your fiancé to be tempted to make comments like that.

ICanDoBetter

My husband and I had some candid talks when I started this journey. He had no problem moderating and I think felt that me not drinking at all would make him uncomfortable. It took several conversations for him to get that I've realized I need to not drink at all - that I cannot moderate.

SoberinSyracuse

I have no problem being around alcohol, either. Quitting was a personal decision and it's on me whether or not I live by it on any given day. So, if you feel safe and comfortable serving alcohol, I respectfully disagree with the notion held by others that you need to ban it from your home. I'm sure you're smart enough that you'd notice if it was threatening your sobriety and you'd take the necessary actions.

I think I know what you mean about the dippy remarks. Some of those comments can really be annoying. But... What difference do they really make? They're just words. Try to ignore them. Just keep doing your sober thing and let other people grapple with their own thoughts and feelings about it. It's not your problem.

That being said, you might just make a simple reply, "Hey. I've made a decision here. Got it?" [End of discussion.]

sugarbear1

Maybe have a heart to heart discussion and let him know what kind of support you want/need from him.

Hugs and Love to you

GnikNus

I can understand having issue with what your fiancé said. He's giving you tacit permission to drink, which is something you simply cannot do. In effect, he's minimized the problem that for you is huge. I understand being upset about that. From what I've read on SR, it's common for non alcoholic significant others to be out of touch with the problems an alcoholic faces.

As far as having the wine in the house, that presents it's own problems. I'm not sure how to deal with that, since my wife is almost a non drinker. During the holidays she was given a bottle after a party and it stayed in the cupboard without much thought from me until she drank it months later (still amazed at the concept of one bottle of wine sitting unfinished in my house...). I can see how it could pose problems, though. Like others have suggested, a BYOB policy when entertaining might be a good idea.

Anna

Yeah, no wine in the house for any reason and then none of the discussion would have happened.

fini

it seems to me the issue is not the wine in the house (you've plainly said that's fine) but your fiance's comment.
which is unsupportive and ignorant, possibly attempt to sabotage for some self-interest?
you can address the ignorance and non-support by speaking with him about it and telling more and asking for what you need.
the bottle in the house is what the real challenges show up around, from what you describe.

Dee74

I think it's difficult for someone who's not an alcoholic to understand that we can't just turn our desire off like a tap...once that tap is on, it runs until it runs dry.

You would know better than ony of us whether it's a comment well meant or something else.

I do agree with those who've suggested a dry house. It works for me and my visitors don't seem to mind

D

D

loulou1981

Thanks for all ur replies, yeah that's exactly it.....I have no issues with there being booze in the house, it's been 5 months for me (which is still early days I know) but I'm not tempted with it, I can b around it. My issue was the relaxed attitude my fiancé had.....which I guess like alot of u have mentioned is the fact he doesn't get it!!!!! Once he'd said it I was like 'really, oh maybe I could'..........NO, NO, NO!!!!

Anyway crisis over, as soon as he said it I was like, I need to post on SR for some venting/support/understanding!!!!

I've sat him down & I've tried to make it as clear as possible that it is NOT OK FOR ME TO DRINK under any circumstances & as he is happier having a 'sober Lou' then he has to try to 'get it' as best as he can, which means I do need that encouragement to stay on the sober path.

At 1 point in the conversation he did say he just couldn't understand what is the fascination with booze, why is it so important..etc, etc.....well I wish it wasn't & I wish I hadn't got the point I got to but I did, onwards & upwards.......

Thanks guys.x