Want to help, want to run

Old 03-25-2016, 09:56 PM
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Want to help, want to run

Hi
I've been in a very short relationship with a beautiful man who is also an alcoholic. We lived together for a about 6 months but I had to make him leave. We have gone back and forth since he left and I've just recently told him no more... He just keeps lying to me about him not drinking. I feel so torn. I love this guy so very much but I can't do this anymore. But I feel like I've abandoned him can I help him from afar? I just don't know what to do
Michelle
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Old 03-26-2016, 12:01 AM
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Unfortunately the only person who can make him want to be sober is himself. If he was lying about his drinking while you were living together, he'll be even less likely to tell you the truth while three is some distance.

I think you made a very wise decision, but hanging around to try to help means you'll still be enmeshed which will just drag any pain out for longer than a clean break would. I'd suggest following your decision right through and stay away. If he wants help to get sober there is lots out there for him to access.
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Old 03-26-2016, 05:32 AM
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You cannot help him from afar from near from anywhere if he doesn't think he has a problem.




Originally Posted by Chelle73 View Post
Hi
I've been in a very short relationship with a beautiful man who is also an alcoholic. We lived together for a about 6 months but I had to make him leave. We have gone back and forth since he left and I've just recently told him no more... He just keeps lying to me about him not drinking. I feel so torn. I love this guy so very much but I can't do this anymore. But I feel like I've abandoned him can I help him from afar? I just don't know what to do
Michelle
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Old 03-26-2016, 06:01 AM
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Hi, Chelle, and welcome to SR. I see that you're reading around the forum and have replied to another thread, which is great! That's exactly what I suggest that newcomers do as a way to educate themselves about alcoholism. Don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page, either--there is a lot of good info there, including this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Keep on reading, keep on posting, and keep coming back as often as you need to.
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Old 03-26-2016, 06:15 AM
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Welcome ! Well, I loved my ex too, and I wanted to help him too-just wabted him to get better...but that was not my job , it was his - and he didn't want to (although I spent many years thinking it was my job!!). Please keep reading about alcoholism (as others have said, the stickies are a great place to start) and understanding the basics of addiction and codependence: the three C's are a good start-

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it (I think I got those right !).

Hugs and peace to you!
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Old 03-26-2016, 06:53 AM
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My situation was similar, except you are very wise to leave at 6 months while I tried for 6 years! I also was accused of abandoning; hard to hear, even though I knew it wasn't true.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, nothing or no one could make me quit drinking until I could no longer stand to live that way anymore and I had to hurt quite a bit before I was ready to do something about it.
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Old 03-26-2016, 07:25 AM
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Please don't turn your 6 months into 6 years. If I were you, I would leave now before marriage and baby comes and then it will become much harder by 100 fold. If you are already feeling lied to, angry, resentment etc. you will feel it much more with every month or year that goes by without any change from him. The advice from the ppl, above are right. The change will have to happen from him, when he feels like he has to make a change to want to be sober. Unfortunately there is no telling when this might be. It can be soon (which probably is unlikely), it can be in years or it can be never. You need to ask yourself whether it is worth it for you to be sticking by with an alcoholic because it will mean that you have to stay strong, stronger than he is to hold together the broken pieces caused by an alcoholic. You need to (even though it's tough) be able to have open communication with him. The more you nag about the alcohol, the more he will lie to you about it. After all, he is trying to protect the thing he feels he NEEDS (alcohol) and an addicts mind will do things (as low as it may be) to protect their addiction. It's much healthier for the relationship to have a trusting, open communication. Knowing he will lie, you need to change your tactics of communicating with him. If you don't be prepared for a long, exhausting and stressful journey of paranoia. He is addicted to alcohol, you'll quickly be addicted to making sure he doesn't lie to you about drinking alcohol = recipe for unhappy, unhealthy relationship.
And this is just one aspect of the frustration that living with an alcoholic will give you. Not sure what your financial situation looks like right now but my advice is to never share bank accounts. You continue to work, have your money and savings. Both contribute to rent and bills 50%.
All in all, if I were to roll back time to the 6 month period (which at that point, I also had just moved in with my alcoholic boyfriend) I would have left then knowing what I know now. 8 years later, My alcoholic husband is still an alcoholic.
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Old 03-26-2016, 08:39 AM
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Welcome Chelle. And congrats on the steps you have already taken and the boundaries you have set. We all know how very difficult this is when you are in love with an alcoholic. Many don't have the wisdom/courage/strength to do this.

I left my XABF when I realized he wouldn't seek help. It is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done and the best.
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Old 03-26-2016, 09:35 AM
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you are not abandoning him......he was an alcoholic BEFORE you and remains the same. your "influence" in his life did not CAUSE any change - being together didn't fix it, living together didn't fix it, and leaving doesn't fix it. he IS as he WAS.

you are very wise to end things. his fealty remains to alcohol, with no exception. until HE makes the decision to truly accept he has a problem and then dedicate his LIFE to resolving that problem, what you see is what you get.
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Old 03-26-2016, 11:12 AM
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Chelle
At 6 months you haven´t yet seen how ugly this will become, please read the many threads of others who have had long term relationships with alcoholics. Lying about drinking is only the tip of the iceberg, soon you will realize that all basic norms for human interactions as you´ve known them have disappeared and you´re left to question your own sanity. Alcoholics pull all those close to them into profound suffering, even and especially when they are only trying to help.
I recently saw Leaving Las Vegas after breaking up with my ABf, a bit worried that it would trigger me, but I found it was a sugar-coated depiction of a relationship with an alcoholic - and that is considering that the A in the film has given up entirely on himself! I felt the year and a half I spend with my A was much, much more stressful than what the girl in the film goes through.

Please read as much as you can on this forum and try to internalize that it is true - his alcoholism WILL destroy you. You can´t bargain your way out of it, the longer you´re in contact with this guy, the more you will lose your sense of self and sink with him. The only thing you can do to help is get as far away from him as possible, perhaps - and this is very slight perhaps - that will eventually help him see that he has a problem.
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Old 03-26-2016, 12:41 PM
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Wow thank you all

Thank you so much... You are all so wise and encouraging. Our relationship has been in total just over a year.... And it just hurts like hell to say goodbye to him... But I know it's the right thing to do I loved the comment of "he was, is etc" that REALLY struck me. I gave to stop feeling sorry for him and start looking out for myself .... What's crazy is we were bf/gf in our Late teens ( now early 40s) and it was his drinking that seperated us back then lol thank you again wonderful supportive people x I must stay strong
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Old 03-26-2016, 12:42 PM
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Also , this forum is an abundance of help/knowledge!
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Old 03-26-2016, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
you are not abandoning him......he was an alcoholic BEFORE you and remains the same. your "influence" in his life did not CAUSE any change - being together didn't fix it, living together didn't fix it, and leaving doesn't fix it. he IS as he WAS.

you are very wise to end things. his fealty remains to alcohol, with no exception. until HE makes the decision to truly accept he has a problem and then dedicate his LIFE to resolving that problem, what you see is what you get.
Thank u! Your comment really gave me an aha moment x
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Old 03-26-2016, 12:51 PM
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Chelle......for the record...for what it is worth....relationships that didn't work out the first time....statistically, almost NEVER do the next time around, either.....

I think that there is a certain nostalgia and romanticism surrounding "young love"......and that is often the plot of Hollywood movies.....
It sells movies...and, we love to watch them...but, they certainly don't represent the norm.....

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Old 03-26-2016, 02:36 PM
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Yep, it was the same for me, teen love - didn´t last - reunited in our 40s with fullblown alcoholism on his part. And looking back, he did drink a lot too the first time around, only it didn´t seem so bad because there was a lot of partying at that age. In that time I was probably the "nerdy" odd one out because I never drank myself.
Anyway, I understand it can be extra hard to disentangle yourself from someone who was a childhood sweetheart, you feel a special connection because you knew each other in the past and you don´t want to let go of the illusion that this was actually The One.
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Old 03-26-2016, 02:55 PM
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Yes there's def a little of that delusional " meant to be" factor.
I remember him pushing me into a wall when we had both been drinking back then too.... I'm a slow learner lol
You know even his MOTHER had someone warn me he would use and abuse me.... But I thought knew him better then his mum lmao! So many screaming red flags in hindsight
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Old 03-26-2016, 03:08 PM
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Chelle, Ah yes, that damn "meant to be" factor. Been there to, just like you and Bluelily….

It sucks!

Oh! And as to the title of your post, I vote "RUN"! In the case of these weirdos "Meant to be" seems to be a synonym for "Licence to treat you like sh!t".
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Old 03-26-2016, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Kata View Post
Chelle, Ah yes, that damn "meant to be" factor. Been there to, just like you and Bluelily….

It sucks!

Oh! And as to the title of your post, I vote "RUN"! In the case of these weirdos "Meant to be" seems to be a synonym for "Licence to treat you like sh!t".
I'm running! It's settled lol isn't it funny how I remember the very few nice things he did but fade over the awful things? He ignored my birthday, stood me up on Valentine's Day, quit his job and I supported him, he NEVER paid me back a cent, kicked my bedroom door in and threatened to "smash" my 24yro son.... But I described him as "beautiful " in this thread?!?!?
Hmmmmm lol
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Old 03-26-2016, 03:43 PM
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Chelle, Yup. It's funny.... When it's not your life!

It's also "funny" how they keep reminding you of all those great things they did for you! He told me once that I should be more thankful that he took care of me while I had the flu, and how he cooked for me (with food he didn't pay a cent of), and blah blah blah.

Yes dear, you deserve a medal. You took care of me while I was sick! Isn't that an extraordiray thing to do when your partner is sick!

Come to think of it, he never paid much for food... Or anything else for that matter, because you know, poor poor him, he was out of a job... Again.
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Old 03-26-2016, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Kata View Post
Chelle, Yup. It's funny.... When it's not your life!

It's also "funny" how they keep reminding you of all those great things they did for you! He told me once that I should be more thankful that he took care of me while I had the flu, and how he cooked for me (with food he didn't pay a cent of), and blah blah blah.

Yes dear, you deserve a medal. You took care of me while I was sick! Isn't that an extraordiray thing to do when your partner is sick!

Come to think of it, he never paid much for food... Or anything else for that matter, because you know, poor poor him, he was out of a job... Again.
Yes "poor me" was a big one too.....he played the victim a lot and I feel for it a lot lol
And there was never an apology for his awful behaviour.... Like it was just acceptable because he had been drinking. The more I step away and look at it I'm a little embarrassed that I "put up" with this lol he had not long been out of jail for a dui when we met again... What was I thinking lol
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