The craziness and anxiety are just too much
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The craziness and anxiety are just too much
Hello folks. Sorry I have been away for a couple of days.
As most of you know, I have been dealing with my X and his wife over getting some large things out of our joint names after our divorce. He just recently realized they were still in his name. I was not court ordered to get them out by a certain time, but it is the right thing to do, so I am busting my butt to do it ASAP. Just yesterday I paid off one of those huge things. It was a joint debt, but one I was responsible for paying. Well, it just so happens that they got the payment history on the same day in the mail.
Well, my X has spent likely at least a third of our long marriage unemployed. He has also racked up huge debt that we had to pay in restution for some damages he caused. I mean a lot of money. And, some of it was truly my fault. Dealing with finances has never been my strong suit, and our credit history is not good for either of us. At first there was a fear he may not get a job b/c of credit history, but then found out that would not affect his job.
However, he used this opportunity to text and text me for hours last night basically saying what a fraud and piece of crap I am. Then his wife started in next. This went on for a very long time. I kept my cool and have apologized to both of them for my part in this. I have also told them I am doing everything I possibly can to move heaven and earth to get these debts out of his name. One I just did yesterday, the other will happen in less than two weeks time.
I am so stressed about all of this. It's like I just cannot mentally let it go. I actually fear these people for some unknown reason. I am normally not scared of much, but they absolutely terrify me. I don't get it. I know I am driving my family nuts as well. My anxiety level is off the hook. I feel like I don't even know who I am right now. It's awful.
Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.
As most of you know, I have been dealing with my X and his wife over getting some large things out of our joint names after our divorce. He just recently realized they were still in his name. I was not court ordered to get them out by a certain time, but it is the right thing to do, so I am busting my butt to do it ASAP. Just yesterday I paid off one of those huge things. It was a joint debt, but one I was responsible for paying. Well, it just so happens that they got the payment history on the same day in the mail.
Well, my X has spent likely at least a third of our long marriage unemployed. He has also racked up huge debt that we had to pay in restution for some damages he caused. I mean a lot of money. And, some of it was truly my fault. Dealing with finances has never been my strong suit, and our credit history is not good for either of us. At first there was a fear he may not get a job b/c of credit history, but then found out that would not affect his job.
However, he used this opportunity to text and text me for hours last night basically saying what a fraud and piece of crap I am. Then his wife started in next. This went on for a very long time. I kept my cool and have apologized to both of them for my part in this. I have also told them I am doing everything I possibly can to move heaven and earth to get these debts out of his name. One I just did yesterday, the other will happen in less than two weeks time.
I am so stressed about all of this. It's like I just cannot mentally let it go. I actually fear these people for some unknown reason. I am normally not scared of much, but they absolutely terrify me. I don't get it. I know I am driving my family nuts as well. My anxiety level is off the hook. I feel like I don't even know who I am right now. It's awful.
Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Stop apologizing (there is no appeasing sociopaths, it just makes it worse) and block their numbers. Take notes and if if persists, look into a restraining order.
Lovely how he found someone just as sick as he is, isn't it? #eyeroll
Lovely how he found someone just as sick as he is, isn't it? #eyeroll
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I cannot block him, he has my daughter on a regular basis. I can block her, however, for some reason I am scared to do so. Scared she will just start digging and digging and making things worse and worse for me. Once this next thing is paid off, I plan to tell her not to contact me unless it involves my children.
I did tell them both last night that I have done everything w/in my power, that I will get them the docs we discussed as soon as I have them, and that I am done discussing it. Ha. That will last til.....tonight or tomorrow quite likely.
I did tell them both last night that I have done everything w/in my power, that I will get them the docs we discussed as soon as I have them, and that I am done discussing it. Ha. That will last til.....tonight or tomorrow quite likely.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ yep. What Aries said. Oh so true. Same with my ex and sissy. Two sick peas in a pod.
You, you are going to be ok. Don't get into their heads or try to figure out what's going on-how awful of them to do that. You don't have to take it, hopeful. At all. Report it and block and go on with your life. They deserve each other-how sick.
You, you are going to be ok. Don't get into their heads or try to figure out what's going on-how awful of them to do that. You don't have to take it, hopeful. At all. Report it and block and go on with your life. They deserve each other-how sick.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hopeful....do you think that a part of your MO is that you are very afraid of being seen as the "bad guy"......
That your self identity is strongly tied to being responsible and "right" and always being perfect....That, if everyone is not "happy" with you....you feel shaken to the core.....?
dandylion
That your self identity is strongly tied to being responsible and "right" and always being perfect....That, if everyone is not "happy" with you....you feel shaken to the core.....?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hon, what is going on here? you don't sound like YOU at all right now....i know you say you fear them but WHY? and how are the finances tied up in that fear?
you are only human. you didn't MAKE all that debt by yourself, you had LOTS of help. and that you are trying so hard now to "make it right" is admirable, but i'm wondering why HIS opinion on THIS matter matters SO much to you?
you are only human. you didn't MAKE all that debt by yourself, you had LOTS of help. and that you are trying so hard now to "make it right" is admirable, but i'm wondering why HIS opinion on THIS matter matters SO much to you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi hopeful,
I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are actually trying to do the right thing and they're giving you a hard time about it? Some people LOVE to point out other people's mistakes because it makes them feel better about their own crappy decisions. It makes them feel superior to see other people make mistakes.
Hold your head up high and don't let them intimidate you. You've apologized and are working to make things right, which is more than we can say for other people. If you have anything else to say to them, say it as calmly as possible (and then come here to vent). If you don't have anything else to say, ignore their calls and go on with your day. Their anger is a lot more about them than it is about you. Surround yourself with positive people and do something you enjoy (reading a book, going our for dinner, etc) to help you feel better. This episode is just temporary and will soon pass, so hang in there. Hugs
I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are actually trying to do the right thing and they're giving you a hard time about it? Some people LOVE to point out other people's mistakes because it makes them feel better about their own crappy decisions. It makes them feel superior to see other people make mistakes.
Hold your head up high and don't let them intimidate you. You've apologized and are working to make things right, which is more than we can say for other people. If you have anything else to say to them, say it as calmly as possible (and then come here to vent). If you don't have anything else to say, ignore their calls and go on with your day. Their anger is a lot more about them than it is about you. Surround yourself with positive people and do something you enjoy (reading a book, going our for dinner, etc) to help you feel better. This episode is just temporary and will soon pass, so hang in there. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
((((hugs)))) big ole bear type. Please remember to take care of yourself through this. Including DEEP breaths. When I get anxious or scared for no reason that I can readily 'see', I find that I breathe really shallowly, which exacerbates the feeling of anxiety/fear.
You're doing what you can. And that their words are just meaningless ravings of people caught in the throes of their sick, twisted addictions and denials.
Sending (((more bear hugs)))
You're doing what you can. And that their words are just meaningless ravings of people caught in the throes of their sick, twisted addictions and denials.
Sending (((more bear hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
You are doing your best (at this time) and your honesty shown to get all of your part paid is honorable.
Your ex husbands wife should not even be involved. A character defect shown on her part.
Mountainman
Your ex husbands wife should not even be involved. A character defect shown on her part.
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Character defect is the understatemt of the century! 
In all seriousness, I agree with anvil-this totally doesn't sound like you at all. Is it bc you don't want him angered or it may get taken out in your daughter? (I'm asking bc I have felt that before). Hugs and more hugs.
In all seriousness, I agree with anvil-this totally doesn't sound like you at all. Is it bc you don't want him angered or it may get taken out in your daughter? (I'm asking bc I have felt that before). Hugs and more hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Look, you don't have to be perfect. Your duty is to do what a reasonable person would do in this situation, You're doing it.
You have told them you are working on it, and you are. No further communication about this is necessary. Do not explain or argue or even respond to any of this. Glance at email/text and if it doesn't involve the kids, straight to the trash,
They cannot "do" anything to you, so try to calm down and ignore the BS.
Hugs,
You have told them you are working on it, and you are. No further communication about this is necessary. Do not explain or argue or even respond to any of this. Glance at email/text and if it doesn't involve the kids, straight to the trash,
They cannot "do" anything to you, so try to calm down and ignore the BS.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thank you all.
Yes Dandy, I think that I have felt that I had done everything right in my marriage, and this glares at me that I was wrong too. It's pretty hard to swallow.
Anvil, I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, or why I even care what they think. Like FOG said, I do have some fears he will somehow tie the kids into this, which would be wrong. I was honest with the kids and told them what happened. I did it b/c they could see I was upset and I wanted to be honest with they about why. He also made a huge deal that I better tell the kids or he would, and it's hard telling what he would say. There was stuff coming out of her mouth that did not even make sense last night, like combined we made some huge amount of money per month that was not even close. (I wish, we would not be in this mess if that were the case).
I am upset with myself too that I even care what he thinks and am letting him get into my head. I thought I was way past this, and it's a big step back.
Lexie, thank you. That is what I have vowed I am going to do!
Yes Dandy, I think that I have felt that I had done everything right in my marriage, and this glares at me that I was wrong too. It's pretty hard to swallow.
Anvil, I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, or why I even care what they think. Like FOG said, I do have some fears he will somehow tie the kids into this, which would be wrong. I was honest with the kids and told them what happened. I did it b/c they could see I was upset and I wanted to be honest with they about why. He also made a huge deal that I better tell the kids or he would, and it's hard telling what he would say. There was stuff coming out of her mouth that did not even make sense last night, like combined we made some huge amount of money per month that was not even close. (I wish, we would not be in this mess if that were the case).
I am upset with myself too that I even care what he thinks and am letting him get into my head. I thought I was way past this, and it's a big step back.
Lexie, thank you. That is what I have vowed I am going to do!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Even though I should not care, I also hate that they will make up lies and tell his family and people in our community those lies. I know I cannot control that, and that blood will always be thicker than water, but it's still hard to swallow.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It sounds to me like the ex is already lying to the new one about how much money he doesn't have and blaming it on you...and I'll bet he lied to her before she got hooked in and told her he had lots more than he does.
Sendng you backup bear hugs...
Sendng you backup bear hugs...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
why on EARTH did he threaten you with TELLING the children??? did i miss the part where you two robbed banks, or pulled some Ponzi scheme and extorted millions and don't even use your real names anymore to avoid getting caught????
seriously, this is all blown WAYYYYYYYYYYY out of proportion. how about you take a step back, or maybe six, and quit trying so damn hard to earn that pat on the head and cookie? it is NOT the end of the world!!!! after the FIRST text from your ex that you could see was going nowhere, that would have been the time to tell him to STOP and then turn your phone OFF. not sit there are read abusive texts for HOURS. (ok, maybe you didn't SIT there for six hours straight, but you catch my drift).
you need to get your power back here. save the "move mountains" maneuver from when it's really needed.
seriously, this is all blown WAYYYYYYYYYYY out of proportion. how about you take a step back, or maybe six, and quit trying so damn hard to earn that pat on the head and cookie? it is NOT the end of the world!!!! after the FIRST text from your ex that you could see was going nowhere, that would have been the time to tell him to STOP and then turn your phone OFF. not sit there are read abusive texts for HOURS. (ok, maybe you didn't SIT there for six hours straight, but you catch my drift).
you need to get your power back here. save the "move mountains" maneuver from when it's really needed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
I'm with Anvil on this one. I think you need to take a few steps back. Your thinking seems to be stuck in a loop and maybe taking a step back would help you have a better understaning and a better grip on the situation.
But before looking at the big picture, you may to take care of yourself and do something that makes you feel good.
Also, you said that you couldn't block her in case she needs to contact you about the kids. Except in case of an emergency, and only if for some reason your ex cannot reach you himself, why on earth would she need to contact you about the kids, or about anything else. As far as I know, you had you kids with you ex husband, not you ex and his new wife!
I don't know if you had the kids with you last night or not, but if yes, then why did you need to read and respond to her texts? And if the kids were with your husband, well you were already texting/talking with him, so no point in reading her texts, as anything she might have to tell you about the kids, your husband could've.
So, IMO, the only time there might be a need for her to contact you would be when the kids are with them. And even then, you can block her texts or but them on do not disturb mode, and you can do the same with her calls. If it's really an emergency, she will leave a message. In fact, you could just completly block her texts, block her call entirely when you have the kids with you, and unblock her call only when they have the kids.
But before looking at the big picture, you may to take care of yourself and do something that makes you feel good.
Also, you said that you couldn't block her in case she needs to contact you about the kids. Except in case of an emergency, and only if for some reason your ex cannot reach you himself, why on earth would she need to contact you about the kids, or about anything else. As far as I know, you had you kids with you ex husband, not you ex and his new wife!
I don't know if you had the kids with you last night or not, but if yes, then why did you need to read and respond to her texts? And if the kids were with your husband, well you were already texting/talking with him, so no point in reading her texts, as anything she might have to tell you about the kids, your husband could've.
So, IMO, the only time there might be a need for her to contact you would be when the kids are with them. And even then, you can block her texts or but them on do not disturb mode, and you can do the same with her calls. If it's really an emergency, she will leave a message. In fact, you could just completly block her texts, block her call entirely when you have the kids with you, and unblock her call only when they have the kids.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
hopeful, it's OK if you made some mistakes, even if they were huge financial ones (which this one certainly is NOT). I've made several financial decisions that turned out not to be good ones. Oh, WELL. This is not something everyone won't recover from shortly.
It's good to look at one's actions objectively, and recognize where you might have made a mistake, but berating yourself (or allowing someone else to berate you) for something that amounts to a minor and temporary inconvenience/hardship is not helpful to you or anyone else.
Nobody's going to be out on the street, nobody's lives are ruined/damaged. Cut yourself a break, here.
Oh, and one more thing. This isn't a contest between you and him about who made more mistakes or did more bad things. So stop comparing yourself to him--maybe you had this unrealistic vision of yourself as being blameless, but owning what IS a mistake doesn't lift him up. A little humility isn't a bad lesson to learn.
It's good to look at one's actions objectively, and recognize where you might have made a mistake, but berating yourself (or allowing someone else to berate you) for something that amounts to a minor and temporary inconvenience/hardship is not helpful to you or anyone else.
Nobody's going to be out on the street, nobody's lives are ruined/damaged. Cut yourself a break, here.
Oh, and one more thing. This isn't a contest between you and him about who made more mistakes or did more bad things. So stop comparing yourself to him--maybe you had this unrealistic vision of yourself as being blameless, but owning what IS a mistake doesn't lift him up. A little humility isn't a bad lesson to learn.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am a little confused too like Anvil - I don't see what's "gossip worthy" about this.? Am I missing something? Telling the kids? What? You haven't paid off some things you were supposed to. No date to do so. You are doing so now.
Try and relax and let it go. Let them say what they will because guess what, they will anyway. I wouldn't respond to either, and I would just go about my day.
Try and relax and let it go. Let them say what they will because guess what, they will anyway. I wouldn't respond to either, and I would just go about my day.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hopeful....I do get it..how much it hurts and feels so "wrong" that they can bad moutht us all over the neighborhood.
actually my ex-husband did the same thing to me.
He actually went to all the neighbors and told them that I was having an affair with a psychiatrist at the hospital that I worked with!!!!!
They told me about it...and, laughed because they knew it wasn't true.....H\He told a l ot of other lies about me, also.....
I just had to get used to the idea that I know the truth and those who cared about me knew that it was just a smear campaign to make himself feel like I was the "bad one".....
I like the saying---what other people think of me is none of my business.....
dandylion
actually my ex-husband did the same thing to me.
He actually went to all the neighbors and told them that I was having an affair with a psychiatrist at the hospital that I worked with!!!!!
They told me about it...and, laughed because they knew it wasn't true.....H\He told a l ot of other lies about me, also.....
I just had to get used to the idea that I know the truth and those who cared about me knew that it was just a smear campaign to make himself feel like I was the "bad one".....
I like the saying---what other people think of me is none of my business.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ yep. My ex and his flying monkeys have done the same. He actually told people and accused me of beating the crap out if him and punching him. Um, never happened. I did act horribly in reaction to his abuse at times but never abused him. He just can't look at himself so making to lies is how he feels better? Dunno as I don't think that way. Keep going, hopeful. Unfortunately, this is just what sick people do. But it's all on them. Not you. Pray for them bc it's got to be awful to live that way. God keeps showing you why you left!!!! Praise Him for that!
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