I'm Falling Apart

Old 03-24-2016, 06:00 PM
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I'm Falling Apart

7 weeks no contact from leaving my xABF (2 year relationship) for the second time. I haven't been doing well per se but I've been slowly trudging along, going to therapy, reading books, trying meditation and working to be more present for my kids.
My brother ran into xABF last night and felt the need to relay the conversation to me. That he asked how I was doing, that he has a new girlfriend and is happier then he's ever been. My brother had innocent intentions, he said he was hoping it would help me come to acceptance and move on.

I am completely devastated. The intensity of my emotions is actually scaring me. This feels even worse than the break ups and I have no idea why. I left him twice, I know it wasn't a healthy relationship for me, and of course he's going to move on and it's none of my business. But I can't help feeling this overwhelming grief. That he moved on so quickly while I can barely function. That she's potentially getting the sober, amazing version of him that I had in the beginning. I can't stop picturing them doing all the things we used to do, like I vividly am picturing his face, his voice. I haven't done that in weeks.
7 weeks of progress down the drain in an instant. I feel like I'm never getting over this, never getting over him.
Sorry for the pity party - I know this wasn't a marriage, we didn't have kids together, or houses or finances to split. But it hurts so damn much, I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.
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Old 03-24-2016, 06:10 PM
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Have you told this to your therapist? What does s/he suggest?

There is no reason to believe this guy has told your brother the truth about anything. Unless it serves some purpose to appear desperate and pathetic, most alcoholics are pretty good at hiding what's really going on in their lives. It's not impossible, but I find it pretty improbable that he's had an epiphany and is really doing that great and that he's now sober and stable, much less "amazing." You already know he's a liar.

I trust you've told your brother not to give you any more "updates"?
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Old 03-24-2016, 06:12 PM
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sweetie....you put a lot if not almost ALL of your self-worth in this guy's hands........instead of keeping it close to your own soul. it is going to take time to reel that back in.

so he has a new gf.....and CLAIMS to be doing better than ever. normal people, when asked how they are doing would just say "great!" or "fine" and then ask about the OTHER person.

instead your EX has to go on and on about how awesome he is......never better. that is such an addict statement.....the more sh!t you need to conceal, the more you need to fire up the smoke machine.

maybe when you met he WAS amazing....or maybe when you met you just thought he was amazing.....but he did not STAY that way.......he changed on you.......or who he really was became more and more apparent!

he did't just become an Eagle Scout, just beatified by the Catholic Church on his way to sainthood......
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Old 03-24-2016, 06:18 PM
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Gemlitigate,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand; have totally been in your shoes.....

You have been NC for 7 weeks; I was told (and have read) that it takes a good 3 months to "get over" someone with whom we have had a close, intimate relationship. Many times, (most) there is a "feel-good" chemical called oxytocin generated when we are in a "loving", physical relationship. This chemical BONDS us to the person we love (or think we do).

EVEN if the relationship was not a "good, healthy one". (e.g., affected by alcoholism).

Studies have shown that it can take 3 months of TOTAL NC for the effects of oxytocin to wear off. (Even the sound of a person's voice can reactivate oxytocin.) Think of this chemical as an "addicting" chemical - between you and your xABF. (And, sadly, we can and do become "addicted" to our alcoholics and addicts.)

You have been "triggered" hearing about him. And the oxytocin is kicking in. Don't beat yourself up.

You WILL get over him.

Hang in there, and know that your current feelings will pass.

Try to remember the saying "This Too, Shall Pass" - when having such intense emotions.

In the future if someone wants to give you an update about your xABF - just say - "Please - I don't want to know or hear anything about him."

Meditate. And Be Present For Your Kids.

And Yes, "This Too, Shall Pass......"

Sending warm (healthy - oxytocin free) hugs to you.

p.s. Do you REALLY think he has changed and is physically and mentally "sober" - after only 7 weeks?
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Old 03-24-2016, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post

he did't just become an Eagle Scout, just beatified by the Catholic Church on his way to sainthood......
I just literally burst out laughing - first time in days. Thank you for that!
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Old 03-24-2016, 06:34 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Have you told this to your therapist? What does s/he suggest?

There is no reason to believe this guy has told your brother the truth about anything. Unless it serves some purpose to appear desperate and pathetic, most alcoholics are pretty good at hiding what's really going on in their lives. It's not impossible, but I find it pretty improbable that he's had an epiphany and is really doing that great and that he's now sober and stable, much less "amazing." You already know he's a liar.

I trust you've told your brother not to give you any more "updates"?
Unfortunately I see my therapist on Mondays, so I won't be able to talk to her about this until next Monday. And yes, I did tell my brother exactly that. He feels terrible and has apologized a hundred times.
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Old 03-24-2016, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Gemlitigate View Post
I am completely devastated. The intensity of my emotions is actually scaring me. This feels even worse than the break ups and I have no idea why. I left him twice, I know it wasn't a healthy relationship for me, and of course he's going to move on and it's none of my business. But I can't help feeling this overwhelming grief. That he moved on so quickly while I can barely function.
It sounds like your emotions have more to do with the idea of him replacing you with someone else than with losing him specifically. I know my single most terrifying scenario regarding relationships is that the other person will leave me and forget me (which seems highly likely if he finds a new relationship so soon). I´m certain one strong motivation for not leaving my XABF sooner - even when I was having a terrible time with him - was the fear that he would find someone new.
I don´t know where this fear comes from, but I´m sure I´d feel the same if I found out my X has a new gf. But then, the good thing in this case is that we have both experienced what a relationship with these guys is like, that sooner or later this new relationship won´t be anything like the wondrous placid life with Mr. Darcy. It will be plain hell. So try to put yourself in the shoes of this new girl, and just pity her! And thank her in your mind for keeping him away from you.
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Old 03-24-2016, 07:10 PM
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There's an old saying about after a breakup, "Women mourn. Men replace."

I don't really like sweeping generalizations of genders, but "Codies mourn. Addicts replace." seems pretty accurate.

What he's spouting is all shallow nonsense...he hasn't magically turned a bright and shining page just because he met his next victim.

Turn your face to the sun and move on. Better times await.
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Old 03-24-2016, 07:10 PM
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Hello Gem,

Your brain is thinking that this new woman has earned the reward of your sunk costs. It is highly unlikely since this guy is an addict. You tried it twice, right? The addiction won x 2. Why keep making the same mistake?

How Sunk Cost Fallacy Applies To Love : NPR
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Old 03-24-2016, 07:23 PM
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Gem,

I want to tell you something, and sometimes it is hard to say, because of all that convoluted thinking that they have.

There are so many that come here saying that "this guy was the best". I'll agree my ex was the best, until he wasn't.............

They find someone else, and they are the best again...........

I learned that wasn't reality...... It may have seemed like reality to them, but it wasn't really reality.

Now my thinking at times might be somewhat, not normal. How can it be? I was in an abusive relationship. I lived in a non sense world trying to make sense of things.

So, he finds you. He is completely in love with you, and you with him. You have a lot of good times, then he starts to act like an a$$.

Many times a person tries to run away from their assinine behavior, they want to find someone else to help build up their ego, just like you did, they don't want to be reminded of how "stupid", (and that is being nice) of how they acted. They want to imagine or feel like that never happened. So they find a "new one", this person is all admiring and just so totally in love with only what he is trying to show. (He is not showing the shell of the person that he is).

He is also not feeling any of the guilt, because, just well, he attributed that all to you. This is something new for him, and he doesn't need to feel guilt or think about how he acted, when he does have to do this again, he will just move on again.

I don't know if I am making sense.

I want to give you (((((hugs)))))), I do know how hard all of this is. You are strong, and you will be better then OK.

((((hugs)))))
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Old 03-24-2016, 07:33 PM
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Gem-just sending you hugs. Big hugs.
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Old 03-24-2016, 08:08 PM
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Gem, it is a terrible blow when an ex, even one we left, one we know isn't right for us, finds a new partner. I was the same when my ex-h started dating. I look back in amazement and shame at how I reacted, and I was the one who left him. I can promise you this is the worst bit, and it won't hurt as badly in the future, whatever comes along.

Try not to project your ideas into what others are going through or thinking. What you see or think you see is just from the outside. There may be all sorts of stuff happening that you have no knowledge of.

Guessing can be distressing for you, inaccurate, and can influence your behaviour. Instead of thinking she's getting the best of him etc. etc. say, 'no-one can know what goes on in a relationship and trying to guess is just distressing me, so I will stop'. OK, it doesn't work right away, but it's a start at changing your self-talk.

You wrote '7 weeks of progress down the drain in an instant. I feel like I'm never getting over this, never getting over him.'

This is drastic, black and white self-talk. Replace it with:

'I've had a set-back, and I may have more in the future, but nothing is wasted. I will be back on track soon.'

'I not only will get over him, but I've already started. I feel like it's too slow, but it's natural to mourn, and I will gradually make progress.'

The above is a 101 on cognitive behaviour therapy, about replacing negative self-talk with more realistic ways of seeing the world. Ask your therapist about it, and google it if you're interested. It's very helpful in keeping yourself on a realistic level while understanding that the pain is natural and eventually healing.
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Old 03-24-2016, 08:33 PM
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Odds are.....he was lying. Of course he knows its going to be related back to you, yes he wants you to think things are skippy!

If he has a new girl, (IF), its a rinse and repeat. He didn't become some spectacular human in 7 weeks. You gave him 2 tries....both times he showed his true colors. It will be the same for anyone else.
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Old 03-25-2016, 12:59 AM
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Hi Gem, thank you for your post. I have been in the same situation, right now.. In a relationship with my addict ex boyfriend for 2 years, now 7 weeks of no contact and he also did replace me by new girl. I know that he took the girl for his brother's baby christening - where I was invited initially before I broke up with him and where I was supposed to meet the rest of his family! The girl is blond, Barbie - looking and lots of makeup. Quite different from me.

It hurts me a lot because this was supposed to be our fresh start after he moved away. Anyway, I broke up with him because his posts on Facebook were highly insulting to me. Posts type of "how great his life is since he moved out and that new people he met are amazing". I felt bad, because I helped him for 8 months while he keeps relapsing and then everyone new was amazing. Anyway, even after those posts (and there were many), he wanted me to come over.

I find really helpful your post and all the responses here. I told myself that you never know what is really going on in that relationship and honestly I don't believe that the girl will get happy ending with recovering addict/alcoholic who didn't take much time on his own to recover.

Take care and I hope that it helps you to know that you are not alone. You work on yourself and you will be good soon. While he will repeat the same pattern over and over. Take care x
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Old 03-25-2016, 05:23 AM
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Originally Posted by AlcSis View Post

You have been NC for 7 weeks; I was told (and have read) that it takes a good 3 months to "get over" someone with whom we have had a close, intimate relationship. Many times, (most) there is a "feel-good" chemical called oxytocin generated when we are in a "loving", physical relationship. This chemical BONDS us to the person we love (or think we do).

EVEN if the relationship was not a "good, healthy one". (e.g., affected by alcoholism).

Studies have shown that it can take 3 months of TOTAL NC for the effects of oxytocin to wear off. (Even the sound of a person's voice can reactivate oxytocin.) Think of this chemical as an "addicting" chemical - between you and your xABF. (And, sadly, we can and do become "addicted" to our alcoholics and addicts.)

You have been "triggered" hearing about him. And the oxytocin is kicking in. Don't beat yourself up.
Gem,

I'm sorry you're going through all that hurt. I understand how you feel. We've all been there.

I strongly agree with AlcSis said. Please don't take what I'm going to say the wrong way. My wish isn't to diminish the pain you're experiencing or belittle your feelings. Just for a minute, I'll try to set aside notions of emotions and feelings about love and concentrate on what's physiologically happening in your brain right now. It may not lessen the pain, but for me, understanding this process has helped me through breakups.

Apart from feelings, love is a very, very tasty chemical cocktail that your brain enjoys very much. When you first meet someone, and through the honeymoon period, your brain is flooded with endorphines and, if i remember correctly, another hormone (can't remember which one). Now these are powerful hormones, and apparently they are more powerful than man-made drugs. That's why you feel "high" when you fall in love. The truth is, you are high! Just high on hormones produced by your body. You could also get the same high through a high intensity workout or skydiving (boy was I a good high!).
As time goes one, these hormones are slowly replaces by oxytocin which, as AlcSis said, it is the bonding hormone. It's the same hormone that is used to induce labour in post-term pregnancy (man-made version being pytocin), and it's the hormone a woman's flooded with after giving birth.

So, after a breakup, you stop producing this tasty tasty brain cocktail, and you experience something akin to withdrawal for an addict.

Why are you hurting more now that you've heard about your ex? Because you've just got a tiny dose of the tasty brain cocktail and your brain wants more!

Unfortunately, there is no magic cure, nothing I can say that will lessen the pain you are feeling. However, you said that before hearing about him you were doing good. That makes me think that you were doing something right. Get back to what you were doing. It worked, and it will work again. Concentrate on yourself, take care of your needs, and do nice things for yourself.

As for "7 weeks of progress down the drain", I assure you it's not the case! It might feel that way now, but it's not, what you've learned during that time isn't lost. It will come back. And you will build on it.

Hang in there. Remember to take it one day at a time, and when that's too hard, take it one hour, one minute, hell one breath at a time if need be. I promise you, you will get to a good and wonderful place!

Hugs
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Old 03-25-2016, 12:20 PM
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Thank you so much to everyone for responding. I am going to try some of the suggestions above on affirmations and changing thought processes. I can't believe how hard and intensely hearing about xABF has effected me. It's like reliving the relationship all over again - except for some reason only remembering the good parts. Like literally every great memory and feeling has been running through my mind today. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
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Old 03-25-2016, 12:31 PM
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Gem....feelings of jelousy are the most powerful of human emotions. That is why is is called the "green-eyed monster". I felt it, one time...and, I can tell you that it literally made me sick. I saw my recently separated "boyfriend" with his new squeeze...and, I pulled my car into a parking place...opened the door..and vomited!!
That was decades ago....I now, cannot imagine what I saw in him....lol....
By the way...just for the record...I was prettier than her, smarter than her, more interesting than her, more loyal than her......

Mother Nature is responsible for the intensity of this kind of emotion. It helps to propogate our species (bonding, hormones and all).....

Fortunately, you are stable enough and smart enough to keep far away from them.
This will pass...just give it some time and keep facing forward.....

dandylion
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Old 03-25-2016, 12:50 PM
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Gem,

Sorry you're going through this. It would have happened sooner or later....running into him with someone else or hearing about him with someone else....BUT; shame on your bro for telling you "he's doing better than ever". Good grief, that's really not needful to tell you that and the last thing you need to hear! I know he's apologized, but you can't take back words once they're spoken. In my mind 'no contact' means no contact, na da, nothing; not through friends, family or anyone else. But a lot of people don't get it.

It's true it takes at LEAST 3 months if not MORE to get over some relationships. And it's also true that breaking up with someone you were addicted to is like withdrawal being without you 'substance'. Chemistry and hormones are involved, so thank mother nature for that one.

BUT, you can train your mind and your thoughts patterns to "not go there"; not engage in any way. It may seem that hormones rule the world, but we also have a powerful weapon: our brain. Logic. Common sense. Problem solving abilities. It sounds like you are having a hard time getting him out of your mind. Try to engage in other activities that engage your mind: exercise, music, hobbies, shopping, other activities. There's all sorts of things you can do. Really, in my opinion a person can be so liberated and happier without the weight of a relationship.
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Old 03-25-2016, 12:59 PM
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Gem,
I am sorry for your pain, it does hurt!!

I did read here a comment from an A. "We don't like to leave one relationship until we have another one lined up. We need an enabler to take care of us so we can continue to drink". Hugs my friend, if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else and his life is not that good.!!
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Old 03-25-2016, 01:56 PM
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Active alcoholics have the emotional maturity of a teenager. He is incapable of having a real relationship with you or another woman, he's simply replacing one enabler for another. I suggest focusing on the times he hurt and disappointed you. Do you want someone you can't trust or respect?
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