wife thriving in rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 17
wife thriving in rehab
Wife called from rehab a couple of days ago. She said that is was thr best thing she could have ever done for herself. She says she is happy and life is good sober. She set up all of her after care when she gets home. She also gave me a heart felt apology for everythting she has done to me and for her drinking. I told her there is alot of work she needs to do and that we need to work on our marriage. She totally agreed and acknowledged that it will take time and she is willing to give me the time.
I know in rehab my wife is thriving. I have high hopes when she comes home but i know that real life can change things. My wife right now seems like she is willing to work the program when she comes home. She says she has a lot more work to do when she comes home. She isnt cured, and it will be a lifetime of not drinking
I myself will never drink again. I dont care about that at all.
I know in rehab my wife is thriving. I have high hopes when she comes home but i know that real life can change things. My wife right now seems like she is willing to work the program when she comes home. She says she has a lot more work to do when she comes home. She isnt cured, and it will be a lifetime of not drinking
I myself will never drink again. I dont care about that at all.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Maybe she can stay the course. Hoping for the best. Once upon a time my ex was able to stay totally sober for 11 years. That was before I met her, with me her longest sobriety was around 8 months. It just depends on how motivated they stay.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JF,
What good news, but someone once posted here a while back "It isn't my job to reward her for sobriety or punish her for drunkenness." Meaning her sobriety is just that, her to own.
You need to work a program for you and your life is not based on her addiction. You have to realize rehab is not always guaranteed, most addicts relapse. She will struggle and it will be miserable for her. If you thought it was hard living with an addict while drinking think about life when they aren't drinking. Go on to the new to recover forum and see how the addicts struggle every day to stay sober. When she gets out of rehab she needs to focus on her sobriety, not trying to save the marriage. That comes next.
Educate your self and be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Your happiness can not rely on her sobriety.
Hugs my friend, I hope and pray that she stays that positive and stays sober!!
What good news, but someone once posted here a while back "It isn't my job to reward her for sobriety or punish her for drunkenness." Meaning her sobriety is just that, her to own.
You need to work a program for you and your life is not based on her addiction. You have to realize rehab is not always guaranteed, most addicts relapse. She will struggle and it will be miserable for her. If you thought it was hard living with an addict while drinking think about life when they aren't drinking. Go on to the new to recover forum and see how the addicts struggle every day to stay sober. When she gets out of rehab she needs to focus on her sobriety, not trying to save the marriage. That comes next.
Educate your self and be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Your happiness can not rely on her sobriety.
Hugs my friend, I hope and pray that she stays that positive and stays sober!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I agree ^ great words, friend. I surely hope she stays this positive but I would not be surprised if she did not. When in rehab and surrounded by all the recovery talk and no access to alcohol, it can seem easy and fun and very attainable. However, most addicts DO relapse...and from my experience, I too heard those lovely hope filled words during a rehab stay....but there was not one ounce of truth in them, as I soon found out. Just words from an addict trying to manipulate. Again, I surely hope that is not the case and I pray your wife does absolutely find lasting sobriety, but you-YOU-have your own recovery and program and happiness to pursue. Regardless of whether it's with her or not, or whether she's sober or not .
Peace to you.
Peace to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 17
I am going to al-anon. My wife wanted to stay an extra week in rehab but we cant afford it. I do have high hopes. I know its her sobriety. And i also know as her spouse its my job to support her in that sobriety but not take it on as my job.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JF-
Great, continue with alanon, maybe hit an open aa meeting. Keep reading SR and go on the new to recovery and alcoholism forum. There is so much to learn and help you along this road.
You will help yourself, which will help your marriage.
Hugs my friend, stay positive and keep a smile on your face, you will be ok!!
Great, continue with alanon, maybe hit an open aa meeting. Keep reading SR and go on the new to recovery and alcoholism forum. There is so much to learn and help you along this road.
You will help yourself, which will help your marriage.
Hugs my friend, stay positive and keep a smile on your face, you will be ok!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
JF-I in no way wabted to dash your hopes-just keeping it real, you know? I too had high hopes....I drove my ex to rehab over a year and a half ago and listened to him talk the talk in front of our pastor, nonetheless. It was all talk. My hopes were crushed. Literally. And I got to see him for who he truly was-an evil person. I do truly hope she's stays the path and you going to alanon for yourself will help you and your marriage-but nothjng you do or don't do will cause her to drink or not drink. That's all I was trying to say 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 17
No dashing of hopes. No worries. My wife is a good person who drinks to cover up pain. Thats no excuse. But her soul is good. She needs to work on her other issues along with the drinking. None of which can come from me. All i can do is support her.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Hi JF,
I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to my high hopes and confidence in my ABF's recovery. He was doing just awesome in Rehab. He had his aftercare all set up and ready to go. He had a plan! I was so excited for the possible opportunities for our future.... He is a great man, and like your wife, has a huge heart. However, he is an alcoholic, which is a chronic, progressive disease.
My ABF returned from his 30 days of treatment at one of the best facilities in the world on February 5th of this year. He attended AA meetings almost every day for the first couple of weeks. He went to his aftercare program the first day only. He said that it wasn't helpful for him because everyone else there was court-ordered and just complaining about having to be there. He said it just wasn't a therapeutic environment.
On March 14th, one week ago, he relapsed. He came home and told me right away that he just guzzled a fifth of vodka. This was just heartbreaking for me. He seemed to really have it together and working his program for the first month, but the last few weeks, I noticed a change in his behavior. It was like he regressed to his mindset when he was actively drinking, even though I know he wasn't. He became a dry-drunk in those few weeks. He attended AA less and less. It was exactly what I was told when I attended the family program at his treatment facility: relapse starts long before they take that first drink. It is so true.
When he came home, I wasn't sure how to act around him. Not having alcohol in the house was a given and I was committed to never having a drink again. It didn't bother me it all. I went to al-anon meetings every week for months, just working on my own recovery. Still, when he picked up that first drink last week, it was just as heartbreaking. I tried to be encouraging, telling him that it is just a slip and that he can pick himself back up and recommit to his sobriety. He was crying and said he was going to try his best. I don't think he has gone even one day in the past week without having a drink. The thing is, now he is hiding it from me. He has never hid his drinking from me and has always admitted to being an alcoholic. I try to tell him that I will do my best to support him in his recovery, but I fear that he is feeling shameful; that he has let his kids down, his family down, my kids down, and me down.
All of that said, I am not responsible for his recovery or his relapse. I am trying my best to work on myself, while lovingly detaching from his disease. I know I cannot mentally handle being involved in his recovery, because I know I have no control over it.
I am just being real with you, as well. The only thing I wish I would have done differently is to say something when I noticed he was starting to slip, but that is all. I don't believe there is anything else I could have done differently. His recovery is his to own.
I wish you all the best.
I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to my high hopes and confidence in my ABF's recovery. He was doing just awesome in Rehab. He had his aftercare all set up and ready to go. He had a plan! I was so excited for the possible opportunities for our future.... He is a great man, and like your wife, has a huge heart. However, he is an alcoholic, which is a chronic, progressive disease.
My ABF returned from his 30 days of treatment at one of the best facilities in the world on February 5th of this year. He attended AA meetings almost every day for the first couple of weeks. He went to his aftercare program the first day only. He said that it wasn't helpful for him because everyone else there was court-ordered and just complaining about having to be there. He said it just wasn't a therapeutic environment.
On March 14th, one week ago, he relapsed. He came home and told me right away that he just guzzled a fifth of vodka. This was just heartbreaking for me. He seemed to really have it together and working his program for the first month, but the last few weeks, I noticed a change in his behavior. It was like he regressed to his mindset when he was actively drinking, even though I know he wasn't. He became a dry-drunk in those few weeks. He attended AA less and less. It was exactly what I was told when I attended the family program at his treatment facility: relapse starts long before they take that first drink. It is so true.
When he came home, I wasn't sure how to act around him. Not having alcohol in the house was a given and I was committed to never having a drink again. It didn't bother me it all. I went to al-anon meetings every week for months, just working on my own recovery. Still, when he picked up that first drink last week, it was just as heartbreaking. I tried to be encouraging, telling him that it is just a slip and that he can pick himself back up and recommit to his sobriety. He was crying and said he was going to try his best. I don't think he has gone even one day in the past week without having a drink. The thing is, now he is hiding it from me. He has never hid his drinking from me and has always admitted to being an alcoholic. I try to tell him that I will do my best to support him in his recovery, but I fear that he is feeling shameful; that he has let his kids down, his family down, my kids down, and me down.
All of that said, I am not responsible for his recovery or his relapse. I am trying my best to work on myself, while lovingly detaching from his disease. I know I cannot mentally handle being involved in his recovery, because I know I have no control over it.
I am just being real with you, as well. The only thing I wish I would have done differently is to say something when I noticed he was starting to slip, but that is all. I don't believe there is anything else I could have done differently. His recovery is his to own.
I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ct,
Your story is way to common, and I am so sorry. You have to understand that his drinking again is more upsetting to him then it is to you, his kids or his family. But With that said....
This is when you start using what you have learned in alanon, setting up your boundaries. Having consequences for his actions. What are you doing to protect yourself or your kids from his drinking? I am sure you are aware that you can not "love" his addiction away. So you will have to decide, if you want to continue on the Rollercoaster again. Nothing has changed, but his 30 days of seeing how nice sobriety was like, that's it.
Hugs my friend, an alcoholic always has to feel the burn before they truly do anything about their addiction.
Your story is way to common, and I am so sorry. You have to understand that his drinking again is more upsetting to him then it is to you, his kids or his family. But With that said....
This is when you start using what you have learned in alanon, setting up your boundaries. Having consequences for his actions. What are you doing to protect yourself or your kids from his drinking? I am sure you are aware that you can not "love" his addiction away. So you will have to decide, if you want to continue on the Rollercoaster again. Nothing has changed, but his 30 days of seeing how nice sobriety was like, that's it.
Hugs my friend, an alcoholic always has to feel the burn before they truly do anything about their addiction.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello JF,
My H did manage sobriety after one stint in rehab. He did not connect well with AA at home. He let the 12 step program go. My H lives a solid and truthful life. I think his faith maintains his sobriety. He is a good person. But he still lives amidst disappointments and poor self esteem. He has problems with intimacy and connection. He did not take recovery as far as I understand it can go. Letting him be him is exceedingly difficult. I still see what he could be - even after all of these years. But it is not my task to push him towards his best self.
He needs a lot of time alone to process life. I don't know the root cause of his emotional issues, but I suspect he was abused. He also lost his father at age 10. He just lost the sense of a solid footing in life too young and may always be adrift.
Some of your recovery will be seeing your spouse as they are - without the various veils you may have placed on her to meet your own needs.
Your marriage is going to change. It is a rocky time that wise people state take 5 years to get back on track. Many partners end it. They've already been decimated of trust due to the years of active and building addiction. Why would they endure this minute balance between quicksand and sandstorms?
For me, I've removed myself as best I can from being my H's nagging mother-wife. I let him be. I try to be a solid, steady, calm force for him and our son. Calm is still new for me. But I've seen in the past year that for now - that is my calling - to be there. When my son finishes high school, I will likely reassess.
Peace to you.
My H did manage sobriety after one stint in rehab. He did not connect well with AA at home. He let the 12 step program go. My H lives a solid and truthful life. I think his faith maintains his sobriety. He is a good person. But he still lives amidst disappointments and poor self esteem. He has problems with intimacy and connection. He did not take recovery as far as I understand it can go. Letting him be him is exceedingly difficult. I still see what he could be - even after all of these years. But it is not my task to push him towards his best self.
He needs a lot of time alone to process life. I don't know the root cause of his emotional issues, but I suspect he was abused. He also lost his father at age 10. He just lost the sense of a solid footing in life too young and may always be adrift.
Some of your recovery will be seeing your spouse as they are - without the various veils you may have placed on her to meet your own needs.
Your marriage is going to change. It is a rocky time that wise people state take 5 years to get back on track. Many partners end it. They've already been decimated of trust due to the years of active and building addiction. Why would they endure this minute balance between quicksand and sandstorms?
For me, I've removed myself as best I can from being my H's nagging mother-wife. I let him be. I try to be a solid, steady, calm force for him and our son. Calm is still new for me. But I've seen in the past year that for now - that is my calling - to be there. When my son finishes high school, I will likely reassess.
Peace to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
jellyfish....to help you stay grounded, i'm still gonna push that suggestion of having a plan B. and maybe a C. think of it like a first aid kit, or an earthquake kit - something you hope to god you NEVER have to use, but when the finger is bent sideways and bleeding, you are damn GLAD you took the time to put the first aid kit together!!!!
it's also like being brave enough to check in on the retirement account now and then! if the plan IS to retire some day, it is incumbent to actually HAVE retirement funds in the bank!!!!
don't see it as a BAD thing or a bad SPOUSE thing.....you have to take care of YOU no matter what. it's the WISE thing to do.
it's also like being brave enough to check in on the retirement account now and then! if the plan IS to retire some day, it is incumbent to actually HAVE retirement funds in the bank!!!!
don't see it as a BAD thing or a bad SPOUSE thing.....you have to take care of YOU no matter what. it's the WISE thing to do.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
I agree with Anvil--you can hope for the best
but do have a fallback plan and use it if you need to.
This isn't going to be an easy fix jelly--rehab is one babystep
towards the very long journey of recovery.
I know as an alcoholic myself, she is going to be on an emotional rollar coaster
and not at all easy to live with.
It would be much easier on all of you to let her get stable in recovery in a sober house for a few months, but of course that is up to you.
I'm glad she feel treatment is helping, and I really hope it works out well for you both.
but do have a fallback plan and use it if you need to.
This isn't going to be an easy fix jelly--rehab is one babystep
towards the very long journey of recovery.
I know as an alcoholic myself, she is going to be on an emotional rollar coaster
and not at all easy to live with.
It would be much easier on all of you to let her get stable in recovery in a sober house for a few months, but of course that is up to you.
I'm glad she feel treatment is helping, and I really hope it works out well for you both.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 17
Im learning in my own baby steps. I know our marriage will change. Im so waiting for that change. I dont want to be a parent to my own wife anymore. I will be supportive. I know my marriage is second to her recovery. I am tottally ok with this. If she stays sober and i work my own program our marriage will be better. Im very much in love with my wife. My 1st proierty is not our marriage. WE both need to work our own program. She is my best friend 1st, wife 2nd. Im working on my plan b. Right now im working on plan me.
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