zlhzlh

Many a time when very drunk, I have said some nasty hurtful and brutally honest things to those I love.
Things I wouldn't dream of even discussing when sober, after 4 months Sober I feel my halo is firmly on and I am whiter than white.
But.....am I living a lie? I am worrying, is this person I have turned into a fake? Somebody who I know the minute I drink would turn back into that ugly monster who spoke hurtful honesty and caused distruction everyday.
How have you overcome these feelings, and how can I learn to love this new me? I know everybody around me likes this person so much better!
But in truth.. Being snow white doesn't feel right deep inside.

Dee74

Not much in my case.
It was an endless stream of lies half truths and drivel out of my drunk mouth.

The real me very definitely is sober me zlh

Give yourself time to grow into the change. If you're like me you drank for years...change takes a little time. It took me several months to rediscover a me I'd forgotten about.

D

Coldfusion

I have no doubts there is an evil person lurking within me--only one drink away. I learned to love the new me by working a plan of recovery.

sva777

I was at times "honest and mean" while drunk.

I much like it better now sober and compassionate.

Truth is I was never really honest but mostly just mean. Forget about taking any advice while drunk, while drunk I thought I knew everything.

Upward2Enlightenment

I think a drunk man speaks whatever he thinks will benefit him.

If he's angry and wants to hurt someone he will say whatever he thinks will do the most damage. He will also say whatever he thinks will divert attention away from him and his problems.

Jsbodhi

Word.

EndGameNYC

For many people, the number of years in adulthood during which they've drinking supersedes the number of years they've been sober. This is where cognitive dissonance comes into play. We either change our thinking or our behavior so as to reduce or nullify internal conflict. In order to continue drinking, we need to form an attachment to the people we become when we're drinking, an attachment that is not easily severed. Either that, or we just put down the drink due to self-hatred alone. We choose, instead, to continue to defend or make excuses for that which is indefensible and inexcusable which, in turn, allows us to continue doing what we've been doing. We hang on to the drinking person because the drinking person, now matter how despicable, is the person who drinks. No way around it.

To be who we want to be or who we believe ourselves to be, we need to be that person. As is true of our alcoholic behaviors, we cannot be who we truly are overnight. It takes time, care and concern to build a new relationship. You want to be a loving person, then be loving. You want to be successful, then take risks in life and be accountable for the consequences of your actions. You want to be an honest person, then stop lying to yourself. You want to be a good person, then do good things. And never pass on an opportunity to help someone else.

gobletoffire19

If I was drinking I was lying. About everything.

Sometimes some things I felt deep down would come out when I wasn't in control of myself. Most times anything that came out of my mouth when I was drinking was a lie or an over exaggeration.

zlhzlh

End Game, as far as I am concerned the truth is, I don't like who I am drunk or sober.

SweatyHands

How long have you been sober? Do you know who you are sober yet? Or are you trying to be who you think you should be sober? I'm almost 40, and I'm just starting to figure out who I am. I spent so long drinking and drugging, that I learned to adopt false personalities to stay with the partying crowd. After 25 years of being someone else, I discovered that I never bothered to figure out who I was. As it turns out, I like me quite a bit. But I had to stop trying to be who I thought I should be first.

EndGameNYC

Neither did I. You haven't been sober long enough to experience the kind of motivating changes that come with, not just putting down the drink, but building a better a life for ourselves. Too many people bail on sobriety either because they don't believe that they're changing quickly enough, or because they don't do much work on themselves or their lives to make a difference.

Some people just don't aspire to very much in life after they put down the drink, and then complain that they're unhappy. Others choose to suffer in silence. I long ago gave up attempting to persuade people that there was more for them in life than they wanted for themselves. Too painful. It seems that not everyone is convinced that we have a limited amount of time on this planet.

Good night.

zlhzlh

Sweaty hands, I am mid 40s, and have been a functioning alcoholic for the last 15 years. I have always been the motivator and on the outside confident and strong. I have issues which go back and I don't want to discuss, but used drinking as a way of ignoring them. Now sober daily the issues are coming to the surface, my real persona is coming to the surface. I have had a sober time of 2 years before, then a period of a year on and off and now here I am again.

zlhzlh

Good night end Game.

SweatyHands

Aside from being a few years your junior, that's pretty much my story to the letter as well. I have gotten to where I am through working with a really great therapist and spending countless hours meditating. I'm not suggesting that doing those things is what is right for you, it's just what worked for me. Being alone on the meditation cushion, I had and have nowhere to go to escape myself. Little by little, I've had to deal with my thoughts, my past, my, ahem, lesser qualities, before I could have the ability to be present with myself. I had almost three and a half years sober before I sabotaged myself this past summer. And in that whole time, I never bothered to check in with myself and see how I was doing. It wasn't until my pain and despair were overwhelming that my meditation started producing a change in me.

zlhzlh

Sweaty hands, thanks! I have always dealt with things alone, by coming to SR it has helped a lot just to read about people and how they are coping.

Dee74

for me the serenity prayer really came into focus in recovery

Every other time I quit drinking that as all I did - quit drinking...so I was left with me, the person I used to drink over.

The last time I quit (for good) I worked on the things I hated about myself best I could. I got some counselling help on some things.

Whatever was left over, I had to make my peace with.

It wasn't an instant process - it took a while.

D

amends

You all sound like me and my story. I'm so glad I came here. I also have cut down my drinking -this when I didn't think I had a problem. However I cut down via meditation and seeing a therapist.

Cutting down the frequency I realized didn't stop the outcome of my drinking. I'm done hating myself for who am when I drink. I'd like to know who I am period. And I'd rather get to know her without the drink alter ego hanging around.

zlhzlh

Dee, the serenity prayer is very powerful. Has left me in tears this morning. Not quite sure why I am feeling so low, there is so much truth in it. I need to accept who I am. X

Dee74

We're right here with you zlhzlh

D

zlhzlh

Amends, stay strong! Things get dull, but eventually the layers of crap starts to peel away to reveal something beautiful. I am still on my layers of crap!