Learning to feel
A Day at a Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Learning to feel
Since my daughters death from cancer a little more than 1.5 years ago I have come to realize that my emotions like the rest of me were stunted. I had been numb for so long and had stuffed any uncomfortable feelings away. I keep the lid on my emotions box with alcohol and drugs.
I have been a basket case for a long time with sadness but today not sure if this makes sense I grieved. I cried and cried, The wall came down and I allowed myself to feel the full impact of her loss. She is gone forever. The little baby who I fed and changed, who I played Tball with, who grew into a wonderful woman is not in this world anymore.
I guess this is part of coming to terms with her passing Maybe for the first time I emotionally accepted her death. I'm not sure what happened today but it was different.
Throughout this nightmare, it is a lot worse than a nightmare because you wake-up from nightmares I have stayed sober and God willing I will stay that way.
I have been a basket case for a long time with sadness but today not sure if this makes sense I grieved. I cried and cried, The wall came down and I allowed myself to feel the full impact of her loss. She is gone forever. The little baby who I fed and changed, who I played Tball with, who grew into a wonderful woman is not in this world anymore.
I guess this is part of coming to terms with her passing Maybe for the first time I emotionally accepted her death. I'm not sure what happened today but it was different.
Throughout this nightmare, it is a lot worse than a nightmare because you wake-up from nightmares I have stayed sober and God willing I will stay that way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,684
I don't have the words to thank you, so thanking you is all I can do. Your bravery and ability to stay sober in the face of this is remarkable. My brother commit suicide many years ago and I often drink to forget it. Your example is a light to me for how I should heal.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I experienced a similar experience when my dad suddenly died. At first I just went through the motions and instead of coming to turns with his death I used more and more drugs to allow myself to stay numb.
You are so unbelievably strong, you are an inspiration to everyone here. If I had not turned to drugs I would have been able to come to terms with my fathers death, instead I didn't feel anything until 9 years later when I finally got clean.
I'm sorry for your loss and I know that it can seem unbearable at times but just like we all take one moment, one hour, one day at a time to stay sober, I try to do the same with coping with grief.
hugs
You are so unbelievably strong, you are an inspiration to everyone here. If I had not turned to drugs I would have been able to come to terms with my fathers death, instead I didn't feel anything until 9 years later when I finally got clean.
I'm sorry for your loss and I know that it can seem unbearable at times but just like we all take one moment, one hour, one day at a time to stay sober, I try to do the same with coping with grief.
hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 206
I'm so sorry MIrecovery. You are a survivor and you're in the right place here. Drinking would only make the pain so much worse. Good for you for staying sober, you are so brave to face your feelings. Surely your daughter would never want you to suffer the pain that would come through destroying yourself through addiction.
I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child, but I know a little about the process of grief. Somebody very close to me committed suicide 12 years ago. Feeling the feelings can be crucial to healing. I didn't even know that until recently, when I found myself crying too about other childhood things that should have been cried about twenty years ago.
Have you seen a grief therapist or grief counsellor or joined a face to face support group? These people may be able to understand your feelings and help you anchor when you feel adrift.
I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child, but I know a little about the process of grief. Somebody very close to me committed suicide 12 years ago. Feeling the feelings can be crucial to healing. I didn't even know that until recently, when I found myself crying too about other childhood things that should have been cried about twenty years ago.
Have you seen a grief therapist or grief counsellor or joined a face to face support group? These people may be able to understand your feelings and help you anchor when you feel adrift.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mir,
You are an inspiration to many people on this forum. Your loss of your beautiful daughter is just unimaginable, as there probably is no greater pain. She shines down on you with pride, knowing what you are doing with your life and helping so many.
No words can bring her back, but know that you are making a difference, and she would be so proud of you.
Hugs my friend, you are loved by many!!
You are an inspiration to many people on this forum. Your loss of your beautiful daughter is just unimaginable, as there probably is no greater pain. She shines down on you with pride, knowing what you are doing with your life and helping so many.
No words can bring her back, but know that you are making a difference, and she would be so proud of you.
Hugs my friend, you are loved by many!!
A Day at a Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by least 
Yes, it is wonderful and terrible to feel. But it makes us better and stronger for it. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
MIR
I feel so deeply for you and with you. I lost my daughter 11 years ago. I did grieve intensely at the time, and then even without alcohol (I hadn't begun yet) I went completely numb for years. I didn't come to for a long time. I didn't allow myself to feel, get close to others, created distance from my husband. Sadly, was absentee emotionally from my other daughter. I did get help eventually and went through grief counselling and a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy about 2 years after she passed. It was a long process, but there was still so much I hadn't let go of.
The pain is always there, just a breath from the surface. Life went on, I found a new coping mechanism called alcohol, which worked for a while, until it didn't work anymore. Then I found AA. Now I feel like I've been going through a different type of therapy through my steps. It gets a little better each time. I'm redoing my step 4 right now (resentments, oh my) and each time I feel more relief.
I know the ache you feel. It is so very hard. It is so gut wrenching. It's the kind of pain where if anyone else really knew what you were feeling they would never question you taking a drink or 10 - but we both know we can't. I have given up that rationalization. Be who you need to be, crying and messy, stoic, emotional, introspective - all of it.
Peace to you and much love from another pair of empty arms.
I feel so deeply for you and with you. I lost my daughter 11 years ago. I did grieve intensely at the time, and then even without alcohol (I hadn't begun yet) I went completely numb for years. I didn't come to for a long time. I didn't allow myself to feel, get close to others, created distance from my husband. Sadly, was absentee emotionally from my other daughter. I did get help eventually and went through grief counselling and a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy about 2 years after she passed. It was a long process, but there was still so much I hadn't let go of.
The pain is always there, just a breath from the surface. Life went on, I found a new coping mechanism called alcohol, which worked for a while, until it didn't work anymore. Then I found AA. Now I feel like I've been going through a different type of therapy through my steps. It gets a little better each time. I'm redoing my step 4 right now (resentments, oh my) and each time I feel more relief.
I know the ache you feel. It is so very hard. It is so gut wrenching. It's the kind of pain where if anyone else really knew what you were feeling they would never question you taking a drink or 10 - but we both know we can't. I have given up that rationalization. Be who you need to be, crying and messy, stoic, emotional, introspective - all of it.
Peace to you and much love from another pair of empty arms.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
I am sending you big hugs. You are such a great person, an inspiration, and so helpful. It hurts my heart to think of you being sad...and of what you have gone through.
Here's something that helped me when my mom passed:
On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Here's something that helped me when my mom passed:
On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
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