britgirl

My recovering axbf and father of my 5 year old daughter left me when he was in a 5 month residential rehab. I fought tooth and nail to help him and our family and despite an extremely rocky past truly believed that we had a future in no small part because he kept telling me so and begging me to see this through with him.

Half way through his rehab he told me there was no future for us that he needed a new start and he and his recovery had to come first. He only told me this after his Mum dropped into conversation that he wasn't coming home and was planning on moving to a new area when he left treatment.

The kids and I were devastated as he had made them the same promises he made me. 7 months on they still get upset most days and ask why he didn't come home, our daughter thinks everyone in her life is going to leave her and wakes me up crying most nights about it.

3 weeks out of rehab (Dec 2015) he got into a relationship with another woman, the sister of someone he was in rehab with who he met when she was visiting and they got in contact as soon as he was out. She's 24, slim and beautiful, has a great job and is everything I'm not. I'm ill with lupus and lately my flare ups have been pretty bad, I'm 39, have put on 60 pounds in the last couple of years from comfort eating , medication and reduced mobility. I lost the job I loved due to health problems and am not consistently well enough to work right now. In short I feel like a complete loser with no future ahead of me.

He put us through hell yet comes out the other side clean with a new life and happiness that I can only imagine now. He cut us dead and the only contact we have is the odd text about contact for our daughter. His mum does all the fetching and carrying so I haven't seen him for 8 months now. He's been with his new girlfriend 4 months and they're moving in together once he gets his driving license back in a couple of months.

My confidence and self esteem are none existent and I've sunk into a deep depression. I can't see a way out and have started questioning if the girls would be better off without me. I punish myself constantly for allowing him back into our lives and causing pain only to walk right out again.

I'm so resentful and it's eating me up, I just don't understand after all the pain he caused us how he gets to walk away unscathed and start again like we never existed. I can't go out a lot so it's unlikely that i'll ever meet anybody, even when I am well enough I have the kids with me so dating isn't realistic.

I'm so lost. Thank you for letting me talk, I really appreciate it.

Ariesagain

I'm really sorry...that's so much to go through. You did what you thought was best...it's not at all your fault he reneged on everything, it really isn't.

For what it's worth, statistically he isn't likely to come through "unscathed" in his very first attempt at rehab, especially since his attention was focused elsewhere. It's very likely his drinking will flare up again after the honeymoon period is over and at least he won't be in your home when it does.

Sending you a hug.

ItsViolet

Hey Brittgirl, you've GOT to take care of YOU. This guy sounds like an unevolved dirtbag and not somebody that sounds like a desirable long term partner anyway. I know how hard it can be to see that though. But can you try to do things that make you feel good, pamper yourself? You're the most important person in this equation, because you showing up for yourself will not only help you, but also your daughter. As for him, let him fall into his own traps. He'll get his, don't worry. And so will she.

INgal

Britgirl, you are going to come through this with your head held high and the admiration of your kids and everyone around you. They are going to know that you sacrificed for them and did everything you could to be a great parent. I'm sorry you have been treated so shabbily but do not think it you had anything to do with it. Some people become very self-absorbed in rehab...because it's all about them. If they were like that before they went in, it is probably 100x worse after. It is very unfair, but now you take care of YOU and your little ones. I hope you have some support and if you can get to an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting, it might really benefit you. Hugs & positive thoughts being sent your way.

AdelineRose

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly right now, my heart goes out to you.

Let me start off by saying, addicts are known to make their life sound perfect/project a perfect life so that you feel like you were the problem or that you are missing out. Most of the it is complete ********. I am a recovering addict and believe me, I have seen this game planned a million times.

I don't wish relapses on anyone, but the fact that he went to one rehab, is already dating someone new, and is trying to make his life seem amazing without really committing himself to his sobriety is not very promising, so please don't feel like you put up with all this crap and now this new girl gets a perfect him and he gets to be all happy...I can almost guarantee that is not how it is at all.

Focus on you and your children and getting you healthy. Art therapy can be very helpful for younger children to help them come to grips with the loss of him.

Things will get better, try not to compare yourself with him or her, believe me the grass always seems greener on the otherside but it rarely is.

hugs

Adeline

maia1234

Bg,
I am so sorry for the pain that your partner has caused you. Obsessing over him is not helping you or your children. The best thing you can do is help you. Can you make any alanon meetings. Obviously he is not working a program. Addicts who work a program work the steps and eventually make amends to the people who they harmed.

They don't move on dating and abandoning their partner who supported them, and abandon their children. That is not "growing up, sobering up and working a program." I copied something that someone posted a while back that might give you a little piece of mind...

"Be patient!! The one thing I know about jerks like your husband, he will screw up!! Be patient. It might not happen as fast as you would like it to, but I can guarantee you, he will screw up!!!!!!!"

Hugs my friend, we are here to help you get through this!!

Bekindalways

Argh Britgirl. This is indeed very tough stuff to deal with; however Ariesagain is right: it is doubtful that his relationship will work or that his sobriety will stick.

Please take care of yourself: get to an alanon meeting, exercise, eat well, love those kids the best you can.

Big big hug to you. Keep posting and we will keep trying to support you.

SansaS

I know you're in a really hard phase of life right now, but one day I'm sure you'll look back and be glad that you aren't together with him.

Flavia2

Ok, this guy is a piece of crap. Who walks away from someone who supported them and their own children?? An addict, that's who. Well, better he show his true colors now.

A good friend of mine is doing a 10 green smoothie cleanse. Lots of fruit and veggies which she says has curbed her cravings for comfort foods.

Try to at least take a little walk every day. Your kids will love it and it will get you some fresh air.

I am so very sorry he did this to you and the kids, but I don't for one second think he's going to have a long, happy life with this new chick.

Btw, if she's so beautiful and successful - what is she doing with a guy fresh out of rehab who abandoned his family??

Zufrieden

What everyone else said. This is an awful thing for you to go through. It hurts so much at this stage. It won't forever. I hope he stays sober but sometimes sober people are still big a-holes.
Flavia's suggestion of a better diet and exercise would almost certainly help. I hope you can turn this into your time to get healthy, rebuild your self esteem and realize that this is not a forever situation.
Your words echo those of my sisters the past three years. She was wrecked by a narcissistic tool but she loved him obsessively and felt no hope of ever being livable, attractive, happy etc again. Was with her tonight and despite her dire predictions for her life she has turned the corner and grown in leaps and bounds from the experience.
Screw him and live your life....
Jonathan

britgirl

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Ex rec abf took our daughter out today, good I'm thinking, he's trying to build up a relationship and do nice things with her. It turns out the new girlfriend and her 2 year old son went along and they spent the day kissing and cuddling in front of her!!! She's so upset and now thinks that "Daddy will love the new boy more than me", I'm heartbroken for her I really am. And if I'm honest for me too, be promised he wouldn't introduce her to anyone unless he knew for certain they were the one. It hurts beyond measure.

I should add that I had a past problem with alcohol myself and this is one of the reasons he's cited for not coming home as he says I'm an addict and therefore it could never work between us. I haven't drank for a almost 3 years and have no interest whatsoever in doing so. Maybe I am being unfair and he's doing it for what he sees as the best of reasons, i just don't know. Honestly though looking back on his behaviour the week before he entered rehab I see that he had already made the decision that he wasn't coming back and he made several comments about me being his ex to people a few months before I even knew that I was.

Sorry for rambling, am just so hurt and confused.

Flavia2

For an active addict, any excuse will do Britgirl.

You've been sober 3 years and not actively drinking. How in the world is that a problem for him?

Please see this for what it is: EGO and quacking.

And be prepared for him to come begging for you to take him back in a couple of months. You can almost set your watch by these things.

Edit: That is very upsetting for your daughter. Maybe you can have a clause in the custody agreement that he can't introduce any new women unless he is legally married to her? (I think that's what Elin Woods did)

Bekindalways

Ramble away Britgirl. You are indeed living through a very rough period of life.

This is a time to circle-the-wagons (Hmm . . .you in the UK probably don't use this term). Posting here can be part of your support system. Most of us have been through something like what you are going through. It is so dingdangdad blasted painful along with confusing.

Strength, courage and healing to you!

britgirl

Thanks flavia, he's sober which is the only reason I'm doubting myself I guess. I've never known him completely clean, I don't know the person he is now which is another thing that hurts I guess.

britgirl

Lol no not a term I'm familiar with bekindalways. Thanks for your kind wishes.

Refiner

Well britgirl, we here in the wild, wild SR land tend to circle our wagons around the ones we love and protect from the abusive addict's cruelty! We're here for you. You're in an awful rough patch right now, and it hurts. I'm sorry for your current hurts (and your DD's). I pray you grow stronger each day and know/discover you are actually a very good and strong woman who stands tall in the face of adversity and helps your daughter transition to a healthy new phase of life. We are here for you!

britgirl

Flavia I left out the part where 3 and a half years ago he left us, met someone else and married bet 4 months later. Despite misgivings I let him take our daughter into his new family and he had regular wknd contact with a Saturday night sleep over every other week. My DD really liked his wife and her 13 year old daughter, she was told this girl was her sister and became close to her. The marriage lasted a year, my daughter still talks about them and asks why she can't see her "sister". I have no idea where the girl is as it turns out that the wife started to take drugs with exabf and when he left her she beat her daughter up and threw her out. This girl called exabf Dad as her dad was not in the picture. He walked away and has seen neither of them since.

I didn't know any of this at the time and when he landed on my doorstep again asking for a safe place to stay for a few days with the only person he could trust (his words not mine) I stupidly thought I could handle it and help him. I gave him the sofa for a few nights which turned out to be 10 months until he got into rehab. 3 months in he inevitably moved from the sofa to my bed and it all began again which is how I'm where I am now.

I hate myself for putting my kids through this, what kind of mother would do this to her children. I'm so ashamed.

Ariesagain

He is some piece of work, isn't he? Thank goodness he's out of your life.

It's my opinion that the more nurturing, unselfish, and kind a person is, the easier a target they are for someone who says they are alone and hurting. You obviously have all those good qualities...unfortunately, you met a very bad person with a very good line of crap. So he's now on his third victim...and those are only the ones you know about...

What a toolbag.

P.S. So did this story about the ex-wife beating up her daughter happen to come from him? Because I wouldn't believe him if he told me grass is green...

P.S.S. Is he helping financially support your daughter? Get a mean lawyer and hold his feet to the fire. He should also help pay for therapy for her...she needs help understanding that this isn't her fault. Children almost always blame themselves. I would be very tempted to keep her away from him altogether...there's nothing but pain there for her.

britgirl

Yeah the story was true, came from the mother of a girl she was at school with. She had to move away to live with her Aunt after it happened poor thing.

I found out he was married as his wedding picture flashed up on my "people you may know" wall. Didn't tell us or invite his daughter then blamed me for it after I found out saying they my behaviour was so unreasonable he knew there was no point in asking.

DD just dropped another bomb shell before bed. "Daddy is moving to the place with the girlfriend and boy so he can be at his new job on time". Doesn't hang about does he. am devastated again it's just one thing after another.

He says that although it was him acting that way in the past that he wasn't in his right mind due to the drink and drugs and that he isn't that person anymore.

Flavia2

We all make mistakes- don't beat yourself up.

The kids will learn a lot more from how you handle this and protect them from him in the future than from your mistakes. Just be open and honest that dad has a drinking problem and he is not making good decisions.

I learned that it just helped to acknowledge the hurts when my kids were crying. It is really frustrating because you really can"fix" this for them.

Make sure when he does something crappy and they are hurt to tell them how lovable they are and that they deserve to be cherished.

Also, I took my kids to a private counselor which was very helpful - a place for them to share and a safe place to cry.

I also did this because I was struggling myself and I was worried there were things they couldn't talk to me about.

It's really horrible and I'm sorry for all you're going through.