6 Months, Pothead Girlfriend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Hawley PA
Posts: 23
6 Months, Pothead Girlfriend
I'm 30 years old, my girlfriend is 25. We've been dating about a year and a half or so. I have been drinking alcoholically since I was 16, not every day but most days from 18-30 and was a binge drinker. I smoked pot every day all day from 15-25, then kind of got tired of it.
I got sober October 1 and am nearing six months. I have been taking AA seriously, have a sponsor, am working the steps, and am doing very well and loving life. I used to drink and even smoked pot on a rare occasion when drinking with my girlfriend until I got sober.
My girlfriend suffers from anxiety. She is on Xanax and Klonopin for her anxiety but seems to try to moderate her intake. She is always losing her stuff, has left weed at my house, forgets her keys, wallet, phone all the time. She forgot her wallet on our way to concert in Philly, forgotten her license prior to going fishing, etc. She puts things off a lot. We ride motorcycles and she does not have her motorcycle license. She let her permit expire and has been riding for years without a proper license.
She gets angry and anxious when she loses stuff. She does dumb stuff sometimes, like she backed up her car with the door open and damaged her car. While it was in the shop she had a rental car. The last weekend she had the rental car she was leaving my house but misplaced her keys. She then got very upset and anxious, had a panic attack, and smashed the roof of the car making a good dent in the rental car. I was taken aback and walked away. I'd tried to comfort her but she was freaking out.
She smokes pot all day in my house. I also quit smoking. She wanted to smoke a cigarette in my car yesterday and I asked her not too. She had an "anxiety attack" and I gave in and let her smoke in my car.
I feel like she is not respecting me or my sobriety by smoking pot in my house, being high all the time, and wanting to smoke in my car. I have been putting off doing anything dramatic as I'm in early sobriety but things seem like they are going south and I'm not sure what to do. I am examining my own actions and I am certainly not without fault but I am not sure what to do, what I can live with, and if it's time for me to move on.
We do not live together, I have my own place and she lives with her parents.
I got sober October 1 and am nearing six months. I have been taking AA seriously, have a sponsor, am working the steps, and am doing very well and loving life. I used to drink and even smoked pot on a rare occasion when drinking with my girlfriend until I got sober.
My girlfriend suffers from anxiety. She is on Xanax and Klonopin for her anxiety but seems to try to moderate her intake. She is always losing her stuff, has left weed at my house, forgets her keys, wallet, phone all the time. She forgot her wallet on our way to concert in Philly, forgotten her license prior to going fishing, etc. She puts things off a lot. We ride motorcycles and she does not have her motorcycle license. She let her permit expire and has been riding for years without a proper license.
She gets angry and anxious when she loses stuff. She does dumb stuff sometimes, like she backed up her car with the door open and damaged her car. While it was in the shop she had a rental car. The last weekend she had the rental car she was leaving my house but misplaced her keys. She then got very upset and anxious, had a panic attack, and smashed the roof of the car making a good dent in the rental car. I was taken aback and walked away. I'd tried to comfort her but she was freaking out.
She smokes pot all day in my house. I also quit smoking. She wanted to smoke a cigarette in my car yesterday and I asked her not too. She had an "anxiety attack" and I gave in and let her smoke in my car.
I feel like she is not respecting me or my sobriety by smoking pot in my house, being high all the time, and wanting to smoke in my car. I have been putting off doing anything dramatic as I'm in early sobriety but things seem like they are going south and I'm not sure what to do. I am examining my own actions and I am certainly not without fault but I am not sure what to do, what I can live with, and if it's time for me to move on.
We do not live together, I have my own place and she lives with her parents.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You are allowed to break up with someone you've only been dating a year and a half and aren't even living with...that's the idea behind dating, right?
I know there are "rules" about no major changes the first year, but this woman sounds really detrimental to building a sober life...much too much addict drama.
You also didn't mention a single positive about her or your time together, so why prolong something that isn't at least fun?
Wish her well and move on? And congratulations on six months!!!
I know there are "rules" about no major changes the first year, but this woman sounds really detrimental to building a sober life...much too much addict drama.
You also didn't mention a single positive about her or your time together, so why prolong something that isn't at least fun?
Wish her well and move on? And congratulations on six months!!!
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
You might find that your standards (in a lot of things, including people you date) change in sobriety.
To me, as a fellow sober person, the idea of dating someone with a mood disorder, strung out on multiple substances and still living with their parents is a no-go. My life has gotten larger now, and I no longer date the same kind of men. I used to date men who, like me, liked to lay around and get drunk. Now I have nothing in common with them. Those relationships have mostly fallen away and new ones are coming in.
I don't think her conduct is a matter of disrespect; this is simply her lifestyle and nowadays it's very different from yours. Is it possible you've simply outgrown this lady?
You can try to explain to her that you're sober now, don't want drugs in your house, only want her company when she's sober, etc. but I doubt she'll be able to comprehend much less embrace that.
If you want the drugs out of your face and out of your home, lay down the law and then let the crumbs fall as they will.
The bottom line is that your lifestyles are no longer compatible. There are plenty of women with lifestyles that will match yours. And there are plenty of men with lifestyles that will match hers. It's not about who's at fault or anything. Y'all just aren't that compatible anymore.
To me, as a fellow sober person, the idea of dating someone with a mood disorder, strung out on multiple substances and still living with their parents is a no-go. My life has gotten larger now, and I no longer date the same kind of men. I used to date men who, like me, liked to lay around and get drunk. Now I have nothing in common with them. Those relationships have mostly fallen away and new ones are coming in.
I don't think her conduct is a matter of disrespect; this is simply her lifestyle and nowadays it's very different from yours. Is it possible you've simply outgrown this lady?
You can try to explain to her that you're sober now, don't want drugs in your house, only want her company when she's sober, etc. but I doubt she'll be able to comprehend much less embrace that.
If you want the drugs out of your face and out of your home, lay down the law and then let the crumbs fall as they will.
The bottom line is that your lifestyles are no longer compatible. There are plenty of women with lifestyles that will match yours. And there are plenty of men with lifestyles that will match hers. It's not about who's at fault or anything. Y'all just aren't that compatible anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Hawley PA
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
You are allowed to break up with someone you've only been dating a year and a half and aren't even living with...that's the idea behind dating, right?
I know there are "rules" about no major changes the first year, but this woman sounds really detrimental to building a sober life...much too much addict drama.
You also didn't mention a single positive about her or your time together, so why prolong something that isn't at least fun?
Wish her well and move on? And congratulations on six months!!!
I know there are "rules" about no major changes the first year, but this woman sounds really detrimental to building a sober life...much too much addict drama.
You also didn't mention a single positive about her or your time together, so why prolong something that isn't at least fun?
Wish her well and move on? And congratulations on six months!!!
We have had a lot of positives but since I've been sober there are less. I like to wake up early now, she'll sleep until 11 or 12 if I let her.
I am no longer wrecked all night and go to bed at a reasonable hour and she doesn't.
Part of why I was initially interested in her is because she rides and has a motorcycle. Riding to me is a big part of my life. We've gone riding together on two occasions for a total of like 2 hours riding time in 15 months. She's got no license or permit and I'll be damned if I'll be dealing with her getting her bike towed when we're 4 hours from home in another state because she can't get her act together.
We'll be doing something fun like hiking or fishing or canoeing and she'll always be busting out a pipe and smoking and it puts me off.
It's kind of hard for me to break up with her because I do care for her and she's had kind of a hard life but I'm not going to carry someone else and I feel like she's been using the anxiety thing like leverage on me.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Since it sounds like she's under the influence much of the time, I'd be even more concerned about biking with her. Driving a motorcycle requires coordination and focus, as you know...and it doesn't take much for one bike to take down another and being towed might be the least of the concerns?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Sounds like you might need some space on your own for a while. She doesn't sound mature or responsible at all. It's possible you have just grown apart, it happens. Or maybe you're just noticing her lack of motivation more now that you're sober.
I'd ask for some time off, if it were me. See how it goes without her for a while.
I'd ask for some time off, if it were me. See how it goes without her for a while.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Hi, Gonzoso-
Welcome to SR! Congrats on your sober time, and that you are working AA seriously to keep on the road to recovery.
I can only offer my own experience. I was once the pothead girlfriend/ friend. After getting married, I had kids, and tried to be an upstanding member of suburbia. I figured wine drinking was more 'acceptable' at that point. Eventually I was polishing off well over a bottle of wine every evening. Same addict, different substance.
It sounds like your girlfriend likes to be 24-7 stoned. (Stepping on my soapbox)...Now that medical marijuana is becoming mainstream, it seems the idea that pot doesn't cause problems like other drugs is prevalent. I disagree. I was as addicted to weed as anything...it lead to many life problems as well as major anxiety.
Being around people who have what you want, and share the same ideals, makes sobriety and life in general much more pleasurable.
I'm sure there are a lot of great sober girls out there, who would enjoy bikes as much as you. You're young, and just dating- it is OK to want to move on!
Welcome to SR! Congrats on your sober time, and that you are working AA seriously to keep on the road to recovery.
I can only offer my own experience. I was once the pothead girlfriend/ friend. After getting married, I had kids, and tried to be an upstanding member of suburbia. I figured wine drinking was more 'acceptable' at that point. Eventually I was polishing off well over a bottle of wine every evening. Same addict, different substance.
It sounds like your girlfriend likes to be 24-7 stoned. (Stepping on my soapbox)...Now that medical marijuana is becoming mainstream, it seems the idea that pot doesn't cause problems like other drugs is prevalent. I disagree. I was as addicted to weed as anything...it lead to many life problems as well as major anxiety.
Being around people who have what you want, and share the same ideals, makes sobriety and life in general much more pleasurable.
I'm sure there are a lot of great sober girls out there, who would enjoy bikes as much as you. You're young, and just dating- it is OK to want to move on!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Welcome!
It sounds to me like you are being manipulated by your girlfriend as she tries to get you to give in to whatever she wants. It's probably a good idea to think about boundaries, for example, if she is smoking or drinking you will not allow her into your home. And, you might want to rethink the whole relationship. It sounds like she is out of it a lot of the time.
It sounds to me like you are being manipulated by your girlfriend as she tries to get you to give in to whatever she wants. It's probably a good idea to think about boundaries, for example, if she is smoking or drinking you will not allow her into your home. And, you might want to rethink the whole relationship. It sounds like she is out of it a lot of the time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I feel like she is not respecting me or my sobriety by smoking pot in my house, being high all the time, and wanting to smoke in my car. "
true, but who is allowing it to happen? who is allowing her to smoke pot in your house?
that there is,imo, enabling.
and why is it being allowed?
true, but who is allowing it to happen? who is allowing her to smoke pot in your house?
that there is,imo, enabling.
and why is it being allowed?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Hawley PA
Posts: 23
I chaired a discussion meeting tonight and the topic was honesty. Then one guy said something about if you have a problem and bring it up you leave with less of a problem and everyone else takes a little bit of it home. Then we had a minute where no one had much to talk about and I unloaded my situation on people.
I realized that I need to be honest with myself, and honest with her. My sobriety is the most important thing in my life, without it I have nothing. I can't change her, she'll only change if she wants to.
I dated a girl that used to use her anxiety to manipulate things and I'm done with that crap.
I do care about her and for her, this stuff is hard.
Sobriety is not easy, my old breakup method was drink for 2 days after then sleep with a woman or two and I'd be mostly right in a week. This life of sobriety and morality will make it quite a bit different.
I realized that I need to be honest with myself, and honest with her. My sobriety is the most important thing in my life, without it I have nothing. I can't change her, she'll only change if she wants to.
I dated a girl that used to use her anxiety to manipulate things and I'm done with that crap.
I do care about her and for her, this stuff is hard.
Sobriety is not easy, my old breakup method was drink for 2 days after then sleep with a woman or two and I'd be mostly right in a week. This life of sobriety and morality will make it quite a bit different.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,697
You need to set some boundaries.you need to be open with her.
How is she taking klonoipin and xanax? I would think they would prescribe one or the other. I understand going crazy when anxiety or panic sets it. Trust me its a horrible feeling. Pot and cigarettes dont help with anxiety. Just makes it worse when they wear off.
I wish you two the best.
How is she taking klonoipin and xanax? I would think they would prescribe one or the other. I understand going crazy when anxiety or panic sets it. Trust me its a horrible feeling. Pot and cigarettes dont help with anxiety. Just makes it worse when they wear off.
I wish you two the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Hawley PA
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by letitgo
You need to set some boundaries.you need to be open with her.
How is she taking klonoipin and xanax? I would think they would prescribe one or the other. I understand going crazy when anxiety or panic sets it. Trust me its a horrible feeling. Pot and cigarettes dont help with anxiety. Just makes it worse when they wear off.
I wish you two the best.
How is she taking klonoipin and xanax? I would think they would prescribe one or the other. I understand going crazy when anxiety or panic sets it. Trust me its a horrible feeling. Pot and cigarettes dont help with anxiety. Just makes it worse when they wear off.
I wish you two the best.
She's been getting worse and having all kinds of crazy drama with her friends and family. She's up now and things aren't going very well. It's like ever since she did that panic attack thing about smoking in my car something snapped inside me and I find it hard to like her any more.
An ex from long ago used to have "convenient panic attacks" to get a certain seat in the car or other things she wanted.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by Gonzoso
She's been getting worse and having all kinds of crazy drama with her friends and family. She's up now and things aren't going very well. It's like ever since she did that panic attack thing about smoking in my car something snapped inside me and I find it hard to like her any more.
An ex from long ago used to have "convenient panic attacks" to get a certain seat in the car or other things she wanted.
An ex from long ago used to have "convenient panic attacks" to get a certain seat in the car or other things she wanted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Hawley PA
Posts: 23
So I thought I would follow up on this thread I started 6 months ago.
I've been sober almost a year. Things have been rocky. My GF still was smoking weed the whole time, although she cut down when she was here.
I bought a house, moved, have been busy. She changed shifts at her job. Things had been slow, she was sleeping a lot up here, started noticing her being a little different.
A few weeks ago I stayed at her house. I found a meth bullet and some cut up straws in an open drawer sitting on top, like the bullet caught my eye.
Long story short we broke up after 22 months. I don't need that in my life. One of my new standards for dating will be "Doesn't own a meth bullet". I don't care what her reason was(she claimed hadn't cleaned it out of drawer from when she used 5 years ago) people don't hold onto that junk.
So today she texted and admitted she'd been using since she took the early morning shift for a "little pick me up".
I'm sad because I know what will most likely become of her. I pray for her and that she gets help, and I have some possessions to send back to her and I'm gonna throw some NA literature in there and wash my hands of it.
I've been sober almost a year. Things have been rocky. My GF still was smoking weed the whole time, although she cut down when she was here.
I bought a house, moved, have been busy. She changed shifts at her job. Things had been slow, she was sleeping a lot up here, started noticing her being a little different.
A few weeks ago I stayed at her house. I found a meth bullet and some cut up straws in an open drawer sitting on top, like the bullet caught my eye.
Long story short we broke up after 22 months. I don't need that in my life. One of my new standards for dating will be "Doesn't own a meth bullet". I don't care what her reason was(she claimed hadn't cleaned it out of drawer from when she used 5 years ago) people don't hold onto that junk.
So today she texted and admitted she'd been using since she took the early morning shift for a "little pick me up".
I'm sad because I know what will most likely become of her. I pray for her and that she gets help, and I have some possessions to send back to her and I'm gonna throw some NA literature in there and wash my hands of it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
