Kirky

Day 24

I told my mother about a week ago about my sobriety and her response wasnt quite what I was looking for. It was along the lines of,

"Well you should stop" "Get help if you need it"

This was her vague response of me just telling her Ive been sober for 2 weeks. This was a day after I went to my first AA meeting ( I didnt mention that to her), so that probably didnt help either. I was honestly hoping and looking for more of a...

"Im so proud of you. Keep up the good work. I love you."

My mother and I havent had the best of relationships. Shes actually a great mother (and my dad is my favorite person in the world. Basically I have fantastic parents in every other sense) but she doesnt know how to say things the right way sometimes... or maybe Im just taking it negatively because Im expecting more.

I talked to her on the phone today and she basically said the same stuff again and I kind of went off on her. I told her that I didnt understand why someone is constantly saying I need to stop, when I have indeed stopped. I know I needed to stop, hence why I have. Im always being reminded that I have a problem, when Im trying to fix it. It makes me not want to talk to them and is DEFINITELY why I dont talk to them as much as I would love to.

Im slowly realizing that I am becoming the "sober" friend/family member, person and I dont want to be defined that way though that is who I am now (If that makes any sense)

I think Im just having a rough day and Im going to a couple of meetings today (Beginners at 630 and Meditation at 8)
Hoping to be on here later for the SR meeting. Will be a bit late considering Meditation ends at 9.

firstymer

I don't want to disparage family and friends but, most of the time, when it comes to our struggle with alcohol, they just don't get it. They don't get it because they have not experienced the dependence that we have. They don't get it because they don't know how incredibly difficult it is to do what we are doing. And maybe, they don't get it because they are doubtful of our ability to actually stay sober. For me, their skepticism was justified.

Here at SR, WE get it. WE understand how hard you have worked to get where you are, and how hard you are working every day to win your battle.

And, for what it is worth: We are proud of you. Keep up the good work. We love you.

zlhzlh

Kirky, it's a tricky one. My parents absolutely the same reaction, my mum thinks I am over reacting and turns a blind eye to it. I think they don't want to admit due to feeling like they have failed as parents. I don't discuss it with them anymore, as far as they know I just don't drink end of! But I don't wait for any praise from them as they are too busy with other things. I suppose staying sober is for you and those who are affected by your actions from drinking. Good Luck, stay strong. If you need help, advice, strength, this is a brilliant forum to come too.

Anna

I found that my decision to stop drinking (finally) and beginning to recover was something that I did for me and I had reach down and find the strength myself to get through it. I felt very lonely at first, but that was overshadowed by finding out how strong I was.

Kirky

You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you just said.
Thank you firstymer <3

Ruby2

Kirky, keep up the good work.

If your mother isn't an alcoholic, chances are she doesn't understand how truly hard it is to stop drinking. Normal people just don't get it. They think that it's as easy as just saying NO. We know it is a whole lot harder than that.

It's hard for some people to express themselves. I know that a lot of times what I say is misinterpreted. Or comes out meanly and that wasn't how I intended it to sound. Or isn't supportive. Is this something that has been an issue in the past with your mom?

Keep doing this for you. Don't let your mom get you down.

gettingsmarter

My parents are the same. I was told "good job, good for you" in a very reserved way. I see their appreciation in a lot of subtle ways the longer I stay sober.

Kirky

I would say yes, that this has been an ongoing issue with her.
Weve always had a very loving but somewhat argumentative relationship because we never really understand each other. One thing that is good is that when we fight, were always able to let go of things and move on. (Like we could legit have a HORRIBLE big screaming match and that same night act as if nothing has happened)

When I was a teenager it was TRULY bad like I would constantly say I hated her and hope she died (terrible stuff) but I went to a therapist and though just 6 months with him I realized I was being a brat, that her concern was just her motherly instinct and that she was doing all this stuff that I saw as negative because she cared about me.

Maybe thats what it is now too. Her automatic response of "Well you NEED to stop" is just her reaction to seeing her daughter go downhill because of alcohol and wanting her to be better. I just wish she would say it different because I am feeling somewhat attacked and I have always felt that way towards her and talking about my drinking especially.

I think thats ultimately why I want her support more than anything cause shes seen me at my worse and I want her to know that Im finally doing something about it.

Kirky

I hope that thats what happens eventually without it being this HUGE thing. We went out a couple of weeks ago and it was like 3-4 days into my sobriety and I didnt drink that night, Im not even sure that they noticed that. But it took me a while to even tell her because I didnt want her to think it was like every other time that I told her I was quitting. That this time is COMPLETELY different.

Misssy2

Focus on you...and your sobriety and everything else will work out.

least

Some people mean well but just aren't very 'diplomatic' in their conversation. Take it with a grain of salt...

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 24

thomas11

Hi Kirky, I kind of get it. I have a mother who has some issues and our relationship is strained. I haven't told her about my decision for the very reason you described in your OP. I don't think she would understand and her comment would end up being taken negatively. She just doesn't get it. But people here do get it, and your doing great.

tomsteve

having drank for many years causing family drama and chaos, when i opened up to family members and let them know i had stopped drinking and was getting help i was met with,"yeah,right."
i was fortunate to remember the empty promises and words throughout my life so i couldnt really be discouraged. they had absolutely no reason to believe me.
i kept working on me-for me. makin me a better man.
the changes started showing.
and my family started believing it.
actually started trusting me-werent all concerned i would get into a drunken stupor when i was around.

bandicoot2

Congratulations on Day 24 Kirky! That's a huge accomplishment! -

It's been mentioned before but worth repeating.....mother or not, normal or non-drinkers simply don't understand how hard it is for us to stop drinking and remain Sober. Therefore it's difficult or even impossible for them to offer the 'correct' support we desire.

Be proud of you and work on you and the rest of your life is a wonderful book yet to be written.

And about being known as the Sober family member / friend. Congratulations again! -

My brother has been Sober for several years and it's only now that I appreciate how hard he's worked and what a wonderful role model he's been for his children. I'm very proud of him.

The meditation sounds like good medicine. Take care

IvanMike

Keep up the good work staying clean.

Clean time speaks for itself.

When I got clean there was no parade, no skydivers, no cake, and no party.

The people in my life took a "wait and see" attitude for a long time. (Actually, most of them were no longer "in my life" and that was out of self defense.) I don't blame them. Some of them have been more receptive to my 9th step amends (which came over time in a "formal" sense), and some have been less receptive. What is important is not if they forgive me, but my own responsibility in cleaning up my messes and making things right to the best of my ability.

Over time I realized that I had caused an enormous amount of damage in the lives of other people, and that Ivan and his sobriety was not the most important thing in their lives. - These days I'm not upset when people are still upset at me or not supportive in the way that I think they should be. I'm more surprised that they still talk to me and that some seem to genuinely want me around.

FLCamper

Im slowly realizing that I am becoming the "sober" friend/family member, person and I dont want to be defined that way though that is who I am now (If that makes any sense)

Better to be the "sober" one than the drunk one! Plus, that'll fade out of people's minds pretty quickly.
Congrats on day 24!

Mountainmanbob

True, most alcoholics when sobering up
want the world to understand and believe in us (real soon).

If you stay sober and give it time you will receive the response that you are longing for from your mother. Give her a chance to see and trust in the new you. This takes time.

Meanwhile -- keep doing what you have been doing so as to stay sober.
Without that we have next to nothing or possibly nothing?

M-Bob

Dee74

I've never gotten approval or care from my folks Kirky.

I'm not longer upset by that...it is what it is.

There's a lot of care and support here and in other place like AA or SMART or Lifering...you're not alone

D

soberclover

I think you rock Kirky....keep up the great work! My parents make me even more nuts now that I'm sober.