Something I've been avoiding....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Something I've been avoiding....
I thought I would share with all of you something that I've been avoiding. I know that so many of you will be able to understand.
This year has been really full of changes for me as I've really progressed in my recovery. Goodness knows that I've had some false starts over the years, but for some reason, this time has been different.
But there is one area of my recovery that I've been avoiding.
You see, I have this box of photos. I know exactly where it is and the pictures that it holds. And for months now.....And I do mean months.....I have been telling myself that I need to go through that photo box and get rid of the photos that are negative for me. Such as pictures of parties we attended years ago where there was alcohol, pictures of my AH at those parties when he was drunk, photo's of people that we used to hang out with (his party buddies), etc.
I don't have to look at those photos everyday - heck, I rarely look at them because I know there are pictures in there that will just make me feel sad and miserable. But honestly, just the thought of those pictures being in there make me feel unsettled.
I think that to go through them, removing the ones that are negative would be a step in my recovery. I thought I would give the pictures to AH as I no longer want them. But I just can't bring myself to dive into that box. As unsettled as it makes me feel to know those pictures exist, I know that it will be a very emotional time for me to go through those pictures.
So, again, I sit here and think of those pictures. And still, I avoid them.
Is this normal? Am I really hindering my recovery by stalling?
Ugh, I know I am or I wouldn't think of them every single day! :lame:
This year has been really full of changes for me as I've really progressed in my recovery. Goodness knows that I've had some false starts over the years, but for some reason, this time has been different.
But there is one area of my recovery that I've been avoiding.
You see, I have this box of photos. I know exactly where it is and the pictures that it holds. And for months now.....And I do mean months.....I have been telling myself that I need to go through that photo box and get rid of the photos that are negative for me. Such as pictures of parties we attended years ago where there was alcohol, pictures of my AH at those parties when he was drunk, photo's of people that we used to hang out with (his party buddies), etc.
I don't have to look at those photos everyday - heck, I rarely look at them because I know there are pictures in there that will just make me feel sad and miserable. But honestly, just the thought of those pictures being in there make me feel unsettled.
I think that to go through them, removing the ones that are negative would be a step in my recovery. I thought I would give the pictures to AH as I no longer want them. But I just can't bring myself to dive into that box. As unsettled as it makes me feel to know those pictures exist, I know that it will be a very emotional time for me to go through those pictures.
So, again, I sit here and think of those pictures. And still, I avoid them.
Is this normal? Am I really hindering my recovery by stalling?
Ugh, I know I am or I wouldn't think of them every single day! :lame:
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Hi Standing; You will know when the time is right, and if you think it may be difficult, try asking a trusted family member or friend or your sponsor to be with you at the time. We can't erase the past or the things we have done, but we don't have to hang on to momentums that are painful either.
Congrats on your recovery, and keep up the good work!
Congrats on your recovery, and keep up the good work!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Alberta
Posts: 38
((((StandingStrong)))) When my ex and I split and I was going through the house, I thought of the pictures. Then and there, I felt I had to go through them and give him the ones that meant the most to him (pix of his prized possessions...his Harley and his truck). I gave him some of the ones I knew would upset me with the reminders of better days. I thought I might be sorry if I gave them all away - after all, we were happy at one time!
I agree with lonlion, you will know when the time is right and perhaps it will be better to have a friend with you to help you deal with the emotions.
I have gotten rid of the pictures but I have another box...of cards and notes that I kept for the three years we were together. I kept them because I couldn't believe how wonderful they were and I had never been given things like this in any relationship. These will be more painful to part with so I'm kinda in the same boat as you. Maybe it's still to fresh.
You have come sooooo far, StandingStrong! Maybe you just need a wee bit more time before you tackle the big box. Hang in there! You are a wonderful support for others and I know you will do this when you feel ready!
I agree with lonlion, you will know when the time is right and perhaps it will be better to have a friend with you to help you deal with the emotions.
I have gotten rid of the pictures but I have another box...of cards and notes that I kept for the three years we were together. I kept them because I couldn't believe how wonderful they were and I had never been given things like this in any relationship. These will be more painful to part with so I'm kinda in the same boat as you. Maybe it's still to fresh.
You have come sooooo far, StandingStrong! Maybe you just need a wee bit more time before you tackle the big box. Hang in there! You are a wonderful support for others and I know you will do this when you feel ready!
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
I had a similar experience several years ago. Finally, one day, I took the box of pictures and memories out and I went through them -- I took all of the precious memories and placed them in a box and gave them a "funeral" --- then a "proper burial" (Ok, so it was in the trash dumpster, but you know what I mean!). In other words, I gave the memories and my feelings the respect and consideration that they deserved - this particular bf was a HUGE part of my life and I treated my feelings for him with the respect that they deserved. It gave me closure - it was very liberating.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
StandingStrong
I also know how you feel. When my mother died several years ago, even though she was 90 and had had a good life, it took me time to accept that she was gone and it took me even longer to go through her papers and pictures.
I waited until I was ready, and yes, it was emotional. But the timeing was right so the emotions were good for my healing and helped me get past the grief.
If the time feels right for you, then go through those pictures, and put aside the ones that disturb you or get rid of them, so that the ones that are left are the ones that make you feel good and bring back good memories.
As I write this, I realize that we should each do the same with our thoughts, the lingering thoughts that need sorting through. Let us each put aside the ones that bring back bad memories and pain and be left with the healing happier thoughts that can remain as wonderful memories.
Hugs
Ann
I also know how you feel. When my mother died several years ago, even though she was 90 and had had a good life, it took me time to accept that she was gone and it took me even longer to go through her papers and pictures.
I waited until I was ready, and yes, it was emotional. But the timeing was right so the emotions were good for my healing and helped me get past the grief.
If the time feels right for you, then go through those pictures, and put aside the ones that disturb you or get rid of them, so that the ones that are left are the ones that make you feel good and bring back good memories.
As I write this, I realize that we should each do the same with our thoughts, the lingering thoughts that need sorting through. Let us each put aside the ones that bring back bad memories and pain and be left with the healing happier thoughts that can remain as wonderful memories.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
When my Mum passed away seven years ago..I thought I would try and help my Dad sort out photos..clothes...ect. Wrong thing to do...I should have waited till my Dad was ready to go through all this stuff. When you and you alone are ready to sort all the photos out.....you will know when the time is right and do it. Until then don't worry about it. Some times worrying about it..will only cause you lots of stress that is so unnecessary.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Well, this morning those pictures crept back into my thoughts. I decided that since I think of them every single day - more than once a day - it was time to just suck it up and deal with them.
Upon diving into the box, I realized that the kid's had also somehow managed to get our wedding photos into the box too! That was a shocker and I wasn't quite prepared for that!!!!!!
Not too long into the process, I was starting to have one of those emotional moments. I mean, a few times before this, my eyes had teared up or I found myself smiling bittersweet smiles at the memories and of the hopes I used to have.
BUT.....
I was saved. A dear friend of mine, that just recently moved back from out of state called me to catch up on things. She lives in the same state as me now, but still quite a distance. The point is...it was a distraction. So as we chatted, I simply sorted through the pictures and tossed the ones to the side that bring back negative and/or unhappy feelings. No time to focus on the pictures and have memories. Before I knew it, the box was finished and my friend and I were still chatting away! Her timing was perfect!
And I feel better knowing they are sorted. I know that I have one envelope that needs to be delivered to AH sometime, but I feel better just knowing that I got them started. Another small (but big emotional) step for me.
Upon diving into the box, I realized that the kid's had also somehow managed to get our wedding photos into the box too! That was a shocker and I wasn't quite prepared for that!!!!!!
Not too long into the process, I was starting to have one of those emotional moments. I mean, a few times before this, my eyes had teared up or I found myself smiling bittersweet smiles at the memories and of the hopes I used to have.
BUT.....
I was saved. A dear friend of mine, that just recently moved back from out of state called me to catch up on things. She lives in the same state as me now, but still quite a distance. The point is...it was a distraction. So as we chatted, I simply sorted through the pictures and tossed the ones to the side that bring back negative and/or unhappy feelings. No time to focus on the pictures and have memories. Before I knew it, the box was finished and my friend and I were still chatting away! Her timing was perfect!
And I feel better knowing they are sorted. I know that I have one envelope that needs to be delivered to AH sometime, but I feel better just knowing that I got them started. Another small (but big emotional) step for me.
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