Forte

I'm working full time.
I'm making good money.
My nice new unit is furnished with nice things.
A few months ago this would be unimaginable for this alcoholic and addict.
But I'm a miserable robot who does not belong among humans.
I also relapsed on painkillers. I'm taking so many pills just to combat the tolerance.
One day just blurs into another. I started off taking them for serious back pain, then it got out of hand quickly. What ******* back pain?
At least I'm not drinking.. It's less ugly when I take pills. No fights. No humiliating scenes. No jail.. Just uncomfortably numb.

I work nights and sleep most of the day. The guys at work give me a hard time for my Tatts and call me **** like jailbird and rehab. That's my nickname there, bloody rehab. I have no respect there and frankly I'm treated like a joke.
They all know I came to the job homeless and in detox. The guy that gave me a chance and hired me couldn't respect my privacy or dignity and told people my situation.
I hate being there and come home absolutely miserable. I take heaps of painkillers before work to get me through the night. I walk around with a scowl and dark rings under my eyes.

I don't respect me so how can I expect anyone else to?

I've been crying a lot lately. I used to try and be tough. I would of wanted to fight these assholes that pick at me a year ago. It's like my prides dead. I don't give a ****.

I don't know if I can ever stop using. I just go from one substance to another to another.

What the hell do I do to win in this world?

I truly believe I am not meant to be here. The woman I love, my ex fiancé won't talk to me at all. Not even a txt. We were going to get married in October.

I'm at the end of my rope and I don't see any point to anything.

Apologies for my pity party post

Love to all,

Forte










clear its over.

sugarbear1

I think your pills are talking here.....there is a way out, if you look inside of you. I lost everything and got sober at age 50, broke.....miserable, if I can begin to rebuild my life at 50, you can, too. We just have to make it through the dull times.

Sobriety is living a real life again.
Sending you love and hugs

Bunny211

It makes me sad that you think so lowly of yourself. Drugs and alcohol cloud our thinking so that we cannot see the good in ourselves or others. I highly suggest you get to a meeting and talk to some folks in recovery about how you are feeling.

The more you isolate and take pills the sicker you will become.

Prayers for you, friend.

Dee74

Hi Forte

the way back for me was to stop everything & anything that got me high because that was running away from the life I knew I deserved.

I don't believe you feel you weren't meant to be here. Thats AV talk.
I know you want something better than this

It's going to take a little while for you to rebuild things...we didn't get in this hole over a weekend, and we won't get out of it that easily either...but it will happen and you'll get a little nearer to climbing out and feeling the sun on your face again, day by day.

It;s a leap of faith to trust in what I and others say here is the truth but the moment you put down the pills is the moment things start getting better again...

you may not feel that's apparent for a while and that's ok - if it was easy to change we'd all do it and not need SR...but it will happen,,,trust me

Stay with us Forte.
why not join the March support thread?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-6.html
D

sleepie

Hey Forte, don't live up to their low expectations. Ditch the pills any way you need to. Trust me, people will keep you down if you let them. If you are doing well financially and otherwise, get off the pills and blow them out of the water. Just stay quiet, do the job and go home at the end of the day. This is just a step in your new life. Those people are probably nobodies to you in the grand scheme. I know it can be lonely and discouraging. But those pills are just going to give them the satisfaction.

sleepie

Forte, remember this?

Come on, let's get you back there. You were recently almost homeless? You got a good break! Look what you did- imagine what you will do off those pills. You can do this Forte.

least

That's your addiction talking. You are worth more than that. I used to feel worthless too, while I was drinking. Once I got sober for a while my thinking got more positive.

cornpone

Forte, pills are so powerful and dangerous if not administered properly. They can turn someone into a completely different person. I know you are in a lot of pain right now. I am sorry that your fiancé is not available for support but you're doing the right thing by coming here, to anyone, for help. This is a good place.
I read somewhere on an external like that "suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain". The drugs and substances are making it hard to think clearly and rob you of ways to gain perspective. Is there family or friends that you can communicate your situation with? Share only what you feel comfortable with but don't be afraid of judgment. People who care about you will want to help

ForMyGirls

Hey Forte, there's a lot of great advice on this thread, so I won't repeat all that has been said. There's one thing that I haven't seen yet though... Your coworkers sound like a bunch of Richard Craniums... Your job shouldn't add to your troubles. There are other jobs out there, and it is MUCH easier and less stressful to find a new job while you're currently employed as opposed to finding a new job while you're unemployed. Ditch the pills, and ditch the jerks at work who are bringing you down... Good luck.

Upward2Enlightenment

I got out of a ridiculous pill habit and so can you. Those pills will keep you down.
As for work, you won't be there forever. Those guys probably want to make fun of you to divert attention away from things in their lives.

You need to keep moving forward before the pills pull you back to where you were before.

Best wishes.

Upward2Enlightenment

Forte

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice.
You are right about the pills completely changing a person. I look like **** and all I do is chain smoke and get lost in my thoughts during the day. I go and buy expensive shoes and clothes and don't wear them.
I'm lost. My gp is a Russian guy who just prescribes anything I suggest..

I have anxiety doc

Have some Xanax. Take one, maybe two of you vish

This back pain isn't getting better

You try OxyContin? It very good, take pain away.

I have a lot of headaches lately doc

Haf you tried tramadol? It take avay ache in head.

That's me and my current Doctor/comrade. I
haven't felt like me for a long time. Work gives me money I normally couldn't earn. I've got a long criminal record from drinking episodes and I have no licence until 2019.
Employers form an orderly queue for this man please....

I'm lucky to have this job. I can't walk away from. It or I'll lose my place and really be ******.

I don't need to kill myself, my addictions will take care of that for me.

sleepie

Glad you are here Forte. I think it's time for a new GP. Take this great chance to succeed. Ditch the pills, put on some of those nice clothes and disregard the silly comments of others.

Soberwolf

Completee agree with Sleepie

GhostFace

Hang ln there bro, I have a criminal record, no license for 2 years and the best thing I did for myself was get sober four months ago. I know what those pills can be, it has turned my friends and family members into zombies. Be grateful that you have a job and look for new things to do. I'm addicted to working out now that I left the drugs and alcohol alone, it's like a positive high.

doggonecarl

I don't know how long you have been on the pills, but stop. If it hasn't been too long, you should be able to get clean with only moderate physical discomfort. The mental discomfort is what a solid program of recovery is all about.

You titled your post "so miserable." If you don't kick the pills, and your addiction ratchets up, you will experience misery that will make how you feel now seem like lark at the beach.

Hawkeye13

Get off the pills and the feelings will get better--they really do change
how you feel about yourself as well as how you feel.

Do that and join a gym like GhostFace suggests.
That's what I did to get my mind off feeling crappy about myself and my life.
I got fit and fell asleep from working out everyday.

It got me over the hump of self-loathing the addiction added to.
You are a worthy person Forte--that connection to Spirit you felt
is still there you're just numbing it with the drugs.

Stop those and reconnect and things will change dramatically for the better.

thomas11

Hi Forte, lots of good solid advice here. Just wanted to chime in and let you know I support you 100%. Tough times do pass.

Bobbieka

[QUOTE=Forte;5849086]back pain, then it got out of hand quickly. The guys at work give me a hard time for my Tatts and call me **** like jailbird and rehab. That's my nickname there, bloody rehab. I have no respect there and frankly I'm treated like a joke.
They all know I came to the job homeless and in detox.

What the hell do I do to win in this world?


Prove them wrong. Don't let their expectations be right. And don't fight them, fight for you. You know what to do. Now just stand up and do it. We got your back.

sleepie

How are you today Forte?