Help!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Help!!!!!
I am new to the site and forums and am in need of some desperate help. My wife of almost 13 years is an alcoholic/addict. I found this out 5 years ago when, what she had been telling me for almost 2 and half years were migraines, were really her slamming 1/5ths of Vodka and I was absolutely clueless. So in hind sight, her addiction, that I know of, began about 7 years ago. She went to rehab in 2011 for 30 days when our children were 4 and 6. She came back and was sober for less than a month when she relapsed, and then again about a month later. She then become totally sober until about 2013 when she exchanged the Vodka for pain medications (taking too many, mixed with Xanax, Ambien, and Benadryl). Recently she started drinking again as well and is in her 2nd rehab program in less than 5 years.
She wasn't verbally or physically abusive, but she slept in bed ALLOT when she was drunk or high on pain meds. She missed ALLOT of family time and kids activities. She openly admitted to me that she was taking the meds to get high to "escape" whatever reality she didn't want to face, knowing full well she would miss the activities and not spend time with the family, but before admitting this to me, used the old migraine excuse and the line "You don't understand migraines, do you think I want to be in bed?"
I told her a little less than two weeks ago I had enough and was through after 6 or so empty threats of leaving, and she responded the next day with drinking vodka in the ER parking lot and walking in to tell them she wanted to end her life, so they admitted her to ICU because of her BAC level and the suicide comment.
Since she has been gone, my emotions have been a merry go round. I haven't per say actually "missed" her not being here for two weeks, but more guilty that I want to end the marriage and she wants to continue the marriage and make it work. I do have fear of leaving her just simply because I do love her and have been married for almost 13 years and together for almost 15, but I don't know if I can handle if she comes back and relapses, no matter the time frame in which it may happen.
Thank goodness for family taking the kids for Spring Break, but I am sooooo angry that she has left me here, yet again, to take care of our two kiddos, which I don't mind, but considering the circumstances, burns me up! I have removed all pictures in the house of her and put them away, and also have taken my wedding band off, because I just need to focus on my kids and not worry about her right now I feel. We are still married but I have mixed emotions about separation/divorce, mainly because of the kids, but because too of the guilt, which I don't know why I have it. My biggest fear is how the kiddos will react to it, because at 9 and 11, they don't know any better.
I just talked to her counselor at the treatment center and they said that she just started to come around to realizing the hurt she caused, but in my head, wrong or right, it's hard for me to forget the last 7 years, minus the 1 year or so of sobriety.
Just very confused. Thank you in advance for any advice I can get!
She wasn't verbally or physically abusive, but she slept in bed ALLOT when she was drunk or high on pain meds. She missed ALLOT of family time and kids activities. She openly admitted to me that she was taking the meds to get high to "escape" whatever reality she didn't want to face, knowing full well she would miss the activities and not spend time with the family, but before admitting this to me, used the old migraine excuse and the line "You don't understand migraines, do you think I want to be in bed?"
I told her a little less than two weeks ago I had enough and was through after 6 or so empty threats of leaving, and she responded the next day with drinking vodka in the ER parking lot and walking in to tell them she wanted to end her life, so they admitted her to ICU because of her BAC level and the suicide comment.
Since she has been gone, my emotions have been a merry go round. I haven't per say actually "missed" her not being here for two weeks, but more guilty that I want to end the marriage and she wants to continue the marriage and make it work. I do have fear of leaving her just simply because I do love her and have been married for almost 13 years and together for almost 15, but I don't know if I can handle if she comes back and relapses, no matter the time frame in which it may happen.
Thank goodness for family taking the kids for Spring Break, but I am sooooo angry that she has left me here, yet again, to take care of our two kiddos, which I don't mind, but considering the circumstances, burns me up! I have removed all pictures in the house of her and put them away, and also have taken my wedding band off, because I just need to focus on my kids and not worry about her right now I feel. We are still married but I have mixed emotions about separation/divorce, mainly because of the kids, but because too of the guilt, which I don't know why I have it. My biggest fear is how the kiddos will react to it, because at 9 and 11, they don't know any better.
I just talked to her counselor at the treatment center and they said that she just started to come around to realizing the hurt she caused, but in my head, wrong or right, it's hard for me to forget the last 7 years, minus the 1 year or so of sobriety.
Just very confused. Thank you in advance for any advice I can get!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and sorry for what brings you here. We all understand, though.
First of all, you don't have to make any final decisions this minute. I highly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting and start attending. Educate yourself about alcoholism. Since she's your kids' mom, you will be dealing with her for at least the next 10 years or so, whether you stay married or not. And trust me, co-parenting with an alcoholic after divorce can be pretty crazy in itself (but will still be better for your kids than growing up in an alcoholic household).
A couple of additional suggestions. Talk with a lawyer about your options. Some jurisdictions recognize legal separation and others don't. You also have to get advice about custody/visitation if you do decide to leave. There are also financial issues to consider. Talking with a lawyer doesn't obligate you to do anything until the time is right, but it can make a difference to have a good plan in mind before you make any moves.
Al-Anon can help stop the spinning in your head. The focus is strictly on you, not your wife's problem. As you seem to recognize, this has taken a big toll on you. Focusing on your own problems will help you to detach from hers and make some healthy boundaries that can make life more bearable until you decide what you are going to do.
First of all, you don't have to make any final decisions this minute. I highly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting and start attending. Educate yourself about alcoholism. Since she's your kids' mom, you will be dealing with her for at least the next 10 years or so, whether you stay married or not. And trust me, co-parenting with an alcoholic after divorce can be pretty crazy in itself (but will still be better for your kids than growing up in an alcoholic household).
A couple of additional suggestions. Talk with a lawyer about your options. Some jurisdictions recognize legal separation and others don't. You also have to get advice about custody/visitation if you do decide to leave. There are also financial issues to consider. Talking with a lawyer doesn't obligate you to do anything until the time is right, but it can make a difference to have a good plan in mind before you make any moves.
Al-Anon can help stop the spinning in your head. The focus is strictly on you, not your wife's problem. As you seem to recognize, this has taken a big toll on you. Focusing on your own problems will help you to detach from hers and make some healthy boundaries that can make life more bearable until you decide what you are going to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Hi, and sorry for what brings you here. We all understand, though.
First of all, you don't have to make any final decisions this minute. I highly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting and start attending. Educate yourself about alcoholism. Since she's your kids' mom, you will be dealing with her for at least the next 10 years or so, whether you stay married or not. And trust me, co-parenting with an alcoholic after divorce can be pretty crazy in itself (but will still be better for your kids than growing up in an alcoholic household).
A couple of additional suggestions. Talk with a lawyer about your options. Some jurisdictions recognize legal separation and others don't. You also have to get advice about custody/visitation if you do decide to leave. There are also financial issues to consider. Talking with a lawyer doesn't obligate you to do anything until the time is right, but it can make a difference to have a good plan in mind before you make any moves.
Al-Anon can help stop the spinning in your head. The focus is strictly on you, not your wife's problem. As you seem to recognize, this has taken a big toll on you. Focusing on your own problems will help you to detach from hers and make some healthy boundaries that can make life more bearable until you decide what you are going to do.
First of all, you don't have to make any final decisions this minute. I highly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting and start attending. Educate yourself about alcoholism. Since she's your kids' mom, you will be dealing with her for at least the next 10 years or so, whether you stay married or not. And trust me, co-parenting with an alcoholic after divorce can be pretty crazy in itself (but will still be better for your kids than growing up in an alcoholic household).
A couple of additional suggestions. Talk with a lawyer about your options. Some jurisdictions recognize legal separation and others don't. You also have to get advice about custody/visitation if you do decide to leave. There are also financial issues to consider. Talking with a lawyer doesn't obligate you to do anything until the time is right, but it can make a difference to have a good plan in mind before you make any moves.
Al-Anon can help stop the spinning in your head. The focus is strictly on you, not your wife's problem. As you seem to recognize, this has taken a big toll on you. Focusing on your own problems will help you to detach from hers and make some healthy boundaries that can make life more bearable until you decide what you are going to do.
Again thank you for the reply, I really appreciate your insight!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you, for finding a meeting--I'm glad it helped! Try not to worry too much about where things go. There's nothing wrong with reaching your limit and ending a marriage to an alcoholic. A lot of us have had to make that decision, and it's never an easy one. Still, sometimes it's necessary for us and our kids to have happy, stable lives--which we all deserve.
I wouldn't discuss any thoughts of divorce/separation with the kids until you have a definite plan in place. They will adjust--kids can be very resilient. And however upset the changes make them feel, it pales in comparison to growing up in the chaos of a home with an actively drinking alcoholic parent. If your wife gets sober, it's STILL OK to leave--it will be much better for the kids, whether you are together or not, for her to be sober and involved in their lives.
So just keep breathing and take things one step at a time. You're off to a good start, it seems to me.
I wouldn't discuss any thoughts of divorce/separation with the kids until you have a definite plan in place. They will adjust--kids can be very resilient. And however upset the changes make them feel, it pales in comparison to growing up in the chaos of a home with an actively drinking alcoholic parent. If your wife gets sober, it's STILL OK to leave--it will be much better for the kids, whether you are together or not, for her to be sober and involved in their lives.
So just keep breathing and take things one step at a time. You're off to a good start, it seems to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Good for you, for finding a meeting--I'm glad it helped! Try not to worry too much about where things go. There's nothing wrong with reaching your limit and ending a marriage to an alcoholic. A lot of us have had to make that decision, and it's never an easy one. Still, sometimes it's necessary for us and our kids to have happy, stable lives--which we all deserve.
I wouldn't discuss any thoughts of divorce/separation with the kids until you have a definite plan in place. They will adjust--kids can be very resilient. And however upset the changes make them feel, it pales in comparison to growing up in the chaos of a home with an actively drinking alcoholic parent. If your wife gets sober, it's STILL OK to leave--it will be much better for the kids, whether you are together or not, for her to be sober and involved in their lives.
So just keep breathing and take things one step at a time. You're off to a good start, it seems to me.
I wouldn't discuss any thoughts of divorce/separation with the kids until you have a definite plan in place. They will adjust--kids can be very resilient. And however upset the changes make them feel, it pales in comparison to growing up in the chaos of a home with an actively drinking alcoholic parent. If your wife gets sober, it's STILL OK to leave--it will be much better for the kids, whether you are together or not, for her to be sober and involved in their lives.
So just keep breathing and take things one step at a time. You're off to a good start, it seems to me.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
Confused, My ex husband didn't have addiction problems, but he was verbally and sometimes, physically , abusive. I stayed in the marriage for 21 years, thinking a stable family life was in the best interest of our two daughters.
Consequently,they both suffered terrible emotional damage, from the constant upheaval in our lives. It's amazing how much children absorb, that we think they're too young to understand.
Consequently,they both suffered terrible emotional damage, from the constant upheaval in our lives. It's amazing how much children absorb, that we think they're too young to understand.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by Pondlady
Confused, My ex husband didn't have addiction problems, but he was verbally and sometimes, physically , abusive. I stayed in the marriage for 21 years, thinking a stable family life was in the best interest of our two daughters.
Consequently,they both suffered terrible emotional damage, from the constant upheaval in our lives. It's amazing how much children absorb, that we think they're too young to understand.
Consequently,they both suffered terrible emotional damage, from the constant upheaval in our lives. It's amazing how much children absorb, that we think they're too young to understand.
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