What is going on here? Garden-variety alcoholic?
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
What is going on here? Garden-variety alcoholic?
My sister: alcoholic, 40-years-old, single mom of a school-aged son, homeowner, employed professional.
Has been drinking for five years. Has gone through withdrawal dozens of times. Has been to a local detox once, left after three days, checked into 30-day rehab, left after four days.
Stays with my parents for stints to sober up --2 weeks, 3 weeks, 6 weeks. While with my parents she is sober, taking care of herself and her son, going to work. When she goes back to her home, she starts drinking again.
She lost her job because of alcoholism. Shows up to work drunk. Leaves work in middle of day to go to liquor store. Goes to my parents house for six weeks. Gets another job. Goes home and drinks.
Currently has been drinking for almost a week and with my parents at their house. Missed work every day this week at her new job.
Begs me and my parents to let her come over so she can sober up. I refuse. I take her son for two days to watch him. My parents refuse to have her come over and and then relent. I think she wants a room where she can sleep and be "watched" so she will not buy more alcohol.
I understand addiction and her cravings and the desire to drink. Once she starts she cannot stop. She will drink giant jugs of Listerine. I am afraid my sister might die. She doesn't seem to have any length of sobriety. I think six weeks is the longest in five years.
My parents are dysfunctional. My father is an alcoholic but does not drink at home -- only out at bars and ballparks. It's like the blind leading the blind. It's strange talking to an alcoholic about another alcoholic. It's maddening and leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. My father is an enabler, the "hero", the "fixer". My mother enables my dad. She is resentful of my sister. She berates her. She thinks she isn't trying. What about her husband (my father) who has drank for decades? I have had a lot of therapy regarding codependency, dysfunction, self-esteem and it has helped. I feel like I have gotten bolder and am able to be truthful and sincere with my dad when he calls me to talk about my sister. I think there is a part of him that likes the drama of it all. Sometimes, I am not sincere and can play a role of daughter and it kills me. I can get overexcited and desperate for my sister and play into his dysfunction. We do not have a good relationship at all (never have) . My mother was a teenager when she had me. She's extremely codependent. Not much of a nurturing type. He was and is a bully, an abuser, a racist, a big baby. At first I thought, she cannot stay with them, it will make things worse. They are not a rehab. They are not professionals. Now, I'm like whatever. She wants to be there. I cannot be involved. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for even associating with my parents. I'm confused and ask myself should I be talking to them at all?
I love my sister. We are very close but I'm trying to seperate. Sometimes I feel like running away. Sometimes I want to have a big long break from her and a longer break from my parents. It's nuts, the behavior, the drama, the craziness of it all. We all live in the same town. Sometimes I hate myself for getting involved -- for talking to my abusive, fearful dad about my sister for the millionth time. The drama of it all. I do feel like I have gotten better. I understand more. I have more empathy for my sister.
It is so hard when a child is involved. You worry about their safety. You worry that they aren't going to school or being fed properly, so you take them home with you. However, sometimes I think I'm making it easier for my sister to drink. When her child is gone, she has no responsibility to wake up, feed him, take him to school, etc. When her ex-husband has him on the weekends that is when she ramps up her drinking and then she can't stop and she doesn't go to work.
I know this is not happening to ME. I'm not the victim. I'm not the alcoholic. I can choose not to be involved. I can choose to focus on myself.
Thank you for letting me vent and talk here. I feel alone a lot. Confused. Sad.
Has been drinking for five years. Has gone through withdrawal dozens of times. Has been to a local detox once, left after three days, checked into 30-day rehab, left after four days.
Stays with my parents for stints to sober up --2 weeks, 3 weeks, 6 weeks. While with my parents she is sober, taking care of herself and her son, going to work. When she goes back to her home, she starts drinking again.
She lost her job because of alcoholism. Shows up to work drunk. Leaves work in middle of day to go to liquor store. Goes to my parents house for six weeks. Gets another job. Goes home and drinks.
Currently has been drinking for almost a week and with my parents at their house. Missed work every day this week at her new job.
Begs me and my parents to let her come over so she can sober up. I refuse. I take her son for two days to watch him. My parents refuse to have her come over and and then relent. I think she wants a room where she can sleep and be "watched" so she will not buy more alcohol.
I understand addiction and her cravings and the desire to drink. Once she starts she cannot stop. She will drink giant jugs of Listerine. I am afraid my sister might die. She doesn't seem to have any length of sobriety. I think six weeks is the longest in five years.
My parents are dysfunctional. My father is an alcoholic but does not drink at home -- only out at bars and ballparks. It's like the blind leading the blind. It's strange talking to an alcoholic about another alcoholic. It's maddening and leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. My father is an enabler, the "hero", the "fixer". My mother enables my dad. She is resentful of my sister. She berates her. She thinks she isn't trying. What about her husband (my father) who has drank for decades? I have had a lot of therapy regarding codependency, dysfunction, self-esteem and it has helped. I feel like I have gotten bolder and am able to be truthful and sincere with my dad when he calls me to talk about my sister. I think there is a part of him that likes the drama of it all. Sometimes, I am not sincere and can play a role of daughter and it kills me. I can get overexcited and desperate for my sister and play into his dysfunction. We do not have a good relationship at all (never have) . My mother was a teenager when she had me. She's extremely codependent. Not much of a nurturing type. He was and is a bully, an abuser, a racist, a big baby. At first I thought, she cannot stay with them, it will make things worse. They are not a rehab. They are not professionals. Now, I'm like whatever. She wants to be there. I cannot be involved. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for even associating with my parents. I'm confused and ask myself should I be talking to them at all?
I love my sister. We are very close but I'm trying to seperate. Sometimes I feel like running away. Sometimes I want to have a big long break from her and a longer break from my parents. It's nuts, the behavior, the drama, the craziness of it all. We all live in the same town. Sometimes I hate myself for getting involved -- for talking to my abusive, fearful dad about my sister for the millionth time. The drama of it all. I do feel like I have gotten better. I understand more. I have more empathy for my sister.
It is so hard when a child is involved. You worry about their safety. You worry that they aren't going to school or being fed properly, so you take them home with you. However, sometimes I think I'm making it easier for my sister to drink. When her child is gone, she has no responsibility to wake up, feed him, take him to school, etc. When her ex-husband has him on the weekends that is when she ramps up her drinking and then she can't stop and she doesn't go to work.
I know this is not happening to ME. I'm not the victim. I'm not the alcoholic. I can choose not to be involved. I can choose to focus on myself.
Thank you for letting me vent and talk here. I feel alone a lot. Confused. Sad.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
The one thing that stands out in your post is that you do see that you can choose-CHOOSE-to be involved in the dysfunction and enabling and lies and try to manage another persons life....OR you can simply not. Which is the much healthier thing for you. The fact that you see that is a good sign 
vent away. It does sound like family alcoholism 101....and you are right to want to take care of yourself and get healthy , regardless of whether they do or not. I have to ask-how is your nephew? This cannot be good or safe or healthy for him....
Please take care and I wish you peace
vent away. It does sound like family alcoholism 101....and you are right to want to take care of yourself and get healthy , regardless of whether they do or not. I have to ask-how is your nephew? This cannot be good or safe or healthy for him.... Please take care and I wish you peace
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Do you have a therapist or have you tried Alanon or Celebrate Recovery ? All of these would be good outlets and positive things you could do to learn new tools and process the anger, etc that you must be feeling.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
My nephew is 11. He has autism. The autism has shielded him from a lot of pain, I think. He does not fully understand. My sister's ex-husband is mentally ill who is angry, spiteful, and abusive to this day. He is still upset that my sister left him ten years ago. My sister is an alcoholic. It is not a good situation.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think the hardest role of all in the alcoholic family is for the healthy one, the one that sought out help and worked hard to break that cycle.
I think you understand you have the choice to engage or disengage with them. Disconnect from the behaviors and chaos but not necessarily the people. It’s called detaching with love. Have you given any thought about going to any al-anon meetings? That’s great support from others going through the same things.
I know for me I had to work through that all or nothing thinking. I felt I had to be either all engaged or not engaged at all. With the help of people here on SR and al-anon I finally reached a happy medium. I can engage when I feel strong enough to engage with them and I can also not answer a phone or door without feeling guilty.
When it comes to your nephew would it be better for him to be with his father full time until your sister can provide more stability for him?
Something to keep in mind is that the mortal enemy of alcoholics is “responsibility”. And in trying to force that responsibility – parenting, working, paying bills onto their shoulders thinking it will keep them from drinking is a huge mistake.
Right now your sister has no desire to get sober and is surrounded by enablers. I’m sure the big worry for everyone in the family is the child and maybe if that child is out of the picture for a while (with his dad) it might shock them all into wanting to seek help.
I hope you stick around, read posts and the know you are not alone in this.
I think you understand you have the choice to engage or disengage with them. Disconnect from the behaviors and chaos but not necessarily the people. It’s called detaching with love. Have you given any thought about going to any al-anon meetings? That’s great support from others going through the same things.
I know for me I had to work through that all or nothing thinking. I felt I had to be either all engaged or not engaged at all. With the help of people here on SR and al-anon I finally reached a happy medium. I can engage when I feel strong enough to engage with them and I can also not answer a phone or door without feeling guilty.
When it comes to your nephew would it be better for him to be with his father full time until your sister can provide more stability for him?
Something to keep in mind is that the mortal enemy of alcoholics is “responsibility”. And in trying to force that responsibility – parenting, working, paying bills onto their shoulders thinking it will keep them from drinking is a huge mistake.
Right now your sister has no desire to get sober and is surrounded by enablers. I’m sure the big worry for everyone in the family is the child and maybe if that child is out of the picture for a while (with his dad) it might shock them all into wanting to seek help.
I hope you stick around, read posts and the know you are not alone in this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Great words. So very true. The one that crosses the bridge to healthy and gets to the other side often has arrows shot at them from all the remaining people on the other side. It sure sounds like you could use some support, so please check out alanon, etc. Could be very helpful for you as you detach to save your sanity!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
I think that the greatest responsibility here for you is if the boy's father is unable to care for him....that there is a special needs child that needs to be cared for. As a healthy person, if you are able to care for him I think you should as much as possible.
Sue
Sue
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