jada1981

So, overall, things have been going okay. AH and I are still living together and had decided to table filing the divorce papers until this weekend when we could sit down together and go over our finances and *hopefully* come to an agreement about everything. I've been sleeping better and overall feeling more hopeful. We've been able to keep things cordial, cooking dinner and even watching tv together.

Well, today my codie ways took over. AH has a credit card in his own name that he was supposed to cancel after I found out he was visiting massage parlors 3 years ago. Of course, he somehow "forgot" to cancel it. I was taking a look at his credit report and noticed balances on it since sometime last year. Of course, my first thought is that he's been using this to go to the massage parlors again and I just feel like I want to know for sure as we go into the divorce proceedings.

So, he tells me no, he was buying snacks and tobacco. Mind you, he told me he never used this card and I was never aware he was paying it off. So, I tell him I don't believe him and that I deserve to know the truth. He sends me the year statement and it shows mostly gas station purchases...looks like mostly beer purchases behind my back, of course during the time he has supposedly been trying to stay sober.

He tells me he thought we could settle all this amicably and it doesn't look like it now and maybe he should get a lawyer since I'm threatening to take away his kids. And this is another example of why we aren't working...he's a grown man who can spend his money on what he wants.

I'm just so frustrated!! I know I shouldn't have done what I did, but I really did feel like I want to know what he's been doing as we go into these proceedings. The point is, even though he wasn't doing what I thought he was, he was STILL drinking/lying behind my back. I guess I just hate how he's making me feel like the villain in the situation and all he ever says is how he's sad because of the kids (i.e., he doesn't care about me.) I know I need to just concentrate on myself, but I just had a rough day and wanted to vent. :-(

Hawkeye13

Since you are a lawyer and can get some help from your friend,
I'd go ahead and do that.
If he's still lying, protecting the kids from his drinking is reason enough.

Liveitwell

Friend-he's an addict and man oh man is he spinning his wheels. Of course he's going to try and painting you as the villiam-he's trying to manipulate you. I heard the same words from my ex-that he hoped we could get along and be civil, that how could I make things this way...all the while he's threatening, stalking, abusing and get it's supposedly my fault things were the way they were. I've heard it all...all. My ex used to try abd talk about how he missed his kids, that I was breaking up the family, etc. Um, no. Our marriage wasn't a storm-there was a LOT of good in our marriage, in us. HE was the storm that I went through, made it out alive and escaped. And for all his talk and chatter that fact remains that his kids were no match for his addiction and arrogance. He lost visitation a year ago.
Get some legal advice bc you will need to protect your kids from his lies. Funny, my ex also had a credit card that he used to hide purchases. It's just what they do! Expecting him to tell the truth is just a waste of energy-you might as well be waiting for pigs to fly before there's a chance he will tell the truth. Once you wrap your mind around that and stop fighting it and him, your life will become much more peaceful. Trust me on that!!

Liveitwell

Sending you hugs. I know how difficult it can be. Trust yourself, friend. You're doing the right thing for you and kiddo.

Lilro

Going over financials and coming to agreements are what attorneys are for, please use one. Unfortunately as much as everyone would like to have a "friendly" divorce, it usually heads south pretty quick when you start talking finances and co-parenting especially when you are dealing with an addict.

What does it matter anymore what he spends his money on? Don't bother yourself with that, it will only lead to more heartbreak when you discover truths.
Do what you need to do for you and let him deal with his own issues.
You've got this!

sauerkraut

Jada,
I wanted to second what others are saying on the "woe-is-me" ability of some addicts. In the mediation session where the co-parenting counselor and I got my AH to agree to sobriety monitoring when he has custody, he was so angry and so good at portraying himself as the victim that I started to feel sorry for him. It was only a couple of hours later that I thought to myself, what the hay--he's the one who created this mess! Thank goodness the mediator was able to hold the line and get him to agree to the consequences of his own actions.

For what it's worth, I'd want to know what was what with that credit card, too.

jada1981

Thank you everyone. It makes me feel so much better to be able to just come here and vent. For what it's worth, I did text him and told him I was sorry for accusing him, but that I was just concerned when I saw that he had been using the card when he told me he never used it. Trying to practice my al-anon steps and admit when I was wrong. Ha. Not sure where he went after work, but he's not home yet and it's been a peaceful evening with the kids.