MovingForward1

I posted in my class thread but I guess it's a slow night. I really struggled to not go to the store tonight. I forced myself to post in my class thread and then read posts and checked for replies through gritted teeth, then read more posts.

I'm not going to the store tonight. But I keep fighting off the thoughts and anticipation of when I'll drink next.
My brain at the moment:
Maybe just a couple at lunch tomorrow, maybe a 6 pack tomorrow night, maybe both. A six pack??? Who am I kidding? But I have obligations Saturday so if I buy a 12, I'll drink through the night, maybe pass out after 10 of them, since I'll drink at lunch, then up at 2am drinking the remaining two. Then what? It's 4am and I'm out, no way to get more at this hour AND I'm supposed to be somewhere at 9. Well I could run out and be at the store right at 8, get a couple in me to feel better and still be ok for my day. Wait, it's a long day planned, with children. Oh lord, did I just refer to my kids as an obligation?? Maybe I could 'call in sick'. What?? Call in sick to a fun day that my kids have been looking forward to? Well, their dad could still take them, would he believe me? Probably not, ummmm. What's a better excuse?

And it goes on and on like that. Ugh!

I could really use some support.

GroundhogDay

How long have you been sober?

MovingForward1

Not long at all. 3 days this go around.

GroundhogDay

I know that I started to get irritable after about 10 days, was hard to resist.

Anna

The obsessive thoughts are really annoying aren't they! That, and the fact there is never enough alcohol, never. I'm sorry you're struggling, but the best thing to do is to get through it because that's how you will make it easier next time. And, it will get easier.

strategery

Keep on hanging in there Goingnowhere. It really and truly does get better with sobriety.
If you look at what you wrote, doesn't it seem insane? I remember feeling similar feelings. After being sober awhile, I realized I was starting to break those chains of addiction. Instead of planning when I was going to drink, what I was going to drink, etc., my life was now free to do other things. I could do things when I wanted and not be chained to alcohol. You can reach that point too.

GroundhogDay

Staying here and posting is probably the best thing you can do. Also, go to bed early.

Purplrks3647

Thanks for sharing - wow, as hard as fighting the urge is, I can't even imagine having kids too! Are you able to stick close to the internet so you can post whenever you get the urge? I've done that and there was lots of encouragement so I was able to resist...I know, easier said than done, right? And the upcoming weekend doesn't make it much easier! The 24 hour forum is helpful too, if you haven't already been there - good support for taking it ODAAT

Dee74

1posted to you in the monthly thread and gave you some links - but basically...you can do this - believe in yourself GN

Get through this and you'll be walking on air.,..and next time will be easier.

MovingForward1

Thanks for all the replies. Yes re-reading it does sound crazy, but it's also so real right now.

Sleep is still an issue, I hope I get some tonight.

I don't have a way to stick near the Internet tomorrow but I need to focus on not going to lunch with 'that' crowd and make a plan to get straight home and straight on here.

My Saturday will be so much fun, something my kids haven't had much chance to do with me, if I can just get through tomorrow.

Need a plan. Need a plan. Need a plan.

Dee74

even you you print out some posts and have them there to look at. SR will be with you.

Make the plan a simple one tomorrow - avoid alcohol and slippery places.
No is a complete sentence.

Use the weekend to get a more detailed plan down?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

doggonecarl

They are just thoughts. Annoying thoughts, but just that. Not commands. Read up on addictive voice recognition techniques. Understanding where the thoughts come from will help.

MovingForward1

Thanks on both posts Dee. I'm reading old posts. I think I'm going to make a list of what I felt like on night 1.
Heart racing
Cold sweats
Throwing up
Then dry heaves
Shaking uncontrollably
Stomach hurts so bad
Head just going nuts
Can't sit
Can't pace
Heaven knows laying down is not an option
4am and I'm on my knees and elbows just begging it to stop
Heart still pounding
How can I even consider doing this again? It won't be different, I always think it will be different

least

If you're just three days sober, you are still in physical withdrawal, which is rough. Tough it out. Remind yourself why you quit. It will get easier with more sober time.

I've never woken up sober and feeling good and wished I had drank the night before.

venuscat

You're playing the tape through GN, and that's good.
You are going to feel so much stronger after getting through this night.
And every time you push through this, you will begin to believe that YOU CAN do this. You can.

And we are all with you.

Can you take a phone with you tomorrow and someone's number that you can text if you want to?

MovingForward1

Play it through further

Looking in the mirror after who only knows how long, I look 10 years older than I should
Dry patches
Splotches
My hair feels and looks like a Brillo pad
Let's not even discuss my nails
My stomach still isn't right, won't go into details here, you all know
Not eating for days on end then having to baby step into food, hoping I don't throw up again
Laying in bed worrying about that weird pain in my chest, or side, or stomach
How much weight have I lost ? I don't dare get near the scale

Why oh why, on the first day I really start feeling better would I even consider going through that again? Why? Because my head is trying to tell me that if I just don't go overboard this time, it won't be like that this time. I can do it, just one good afternoon and night and call it quits again. Like that's ever happened. If I think I'm strong enough to just hold it to one night, then I'm certainly strong enough to make it through without.

Vinificent

Hang in there - even if you have to say to yourself you will have a drink after you have finished the day with the kids in bed asleep. Then come back here to SR so you can get over that next hump. Heck by then you may be so tired you won't even have a craving to get through.
Each craving you get through will buy you more time until the next one. Everyone who has posted the same thing here is correct - it's hard to believe when you a few days in recovery so you have to let go and have faith in what they are saying.

Hevyn

GoingNowhere - I had all those same thoughts in the early days. It was total misery. Once I was through the withdrawal phase, each day was a bit better than the last. Your optimism will return - there'll be hope again - we promise it won't stay this way. If it did, few of us would ever keep on track. I was a daily drinker - for many years. Today, the thought of drinking rarely crosses my mind. I never dreamed that would be possible. You're doing great & we're proud of you - everything's going to be alright.

Dee74

nooooo! I appreciate the endgame for the strategy, but give no quarter to the Inner Addict ever Vinificent.

That's like taking out a loan with a loanshark - it seems easier at the time, but in the long run it will crush you.

Have no doubt that you, and GN and everyone else here can win...on your terms.

D

Delilah1

You were so smart to come here and post, rather than posting that you had started drinking again.

I have had many Day Ones, and they suck, not something I care to repeat again. Keep rereading that list of how you felt, and keep reading here.

You can do this!!!

❤️Delilah