ICanDoBetter

Backstory... When I was little and my grandma was a smoker, I knew it was bad for her, but my folks smoked too and I didn't think much of it. However, my older cousins came from a non smoking home and they were forever hiding or destroying her cigarettes. They knew from their experience it wasn't a good choice. Fast forward to when I was sixteen.. And I became a smoker and was up to two packs a day around age 22 when I quit. My mother had quit when I was six but my dad didn't til I was 28.

How is this related? My children have seen both my husband and I drink. And they know that there is something called being drunk and that from the lessons they hear that being drunk isn't good. They don't necessarily connect all the dots but they know it comes from drinking. So too many times to count I recall them commenting that if I drank I would get drunk. I don't distinctly remember them saying that to my husband.

Well, for the last few weeks, I've kept a Single serving diet soda or two in the fridge as a treat for myself in the evening. They get soda once I. A while but it isn't the norm in the house. My nine year old asks me often, "can I have a diet coke? There are two in there!" One evening when I replied no and that they were for me for a reason, he asked why. I said because then later if I want it I will drink that and not drink a beer.

This evening he asked if he could have one and I said no, to which he said, "I don't care if you have a beer, as long as you don't get drunk." Without hesitating I said, "I don't want a beer." And he went about his business.

I'm interested to see over coming days, weeks, months that this will continue to unfold and how I can adjust the influence my drinking has had on my children's attitudes toward drinking.

FLCamper

My son is 11 and he knows I don't drink. But I don't know that he has any awareness of me ever being drunk. I don't think he knew because my drinking was usually after he went to bed. I'm sure it will come up in conversation at some point when he is older.
Congrats to you for subbing the alcohol with a diet coke or two!

GardenGal

Based on seeing what it has done to me/ our family, my 11 year old said recently that he will NEVER drink alcohol.

I can only hope and pray that he means it.

ICanDoBetter

The part that really gives me pause and makes me realize that as they get older I will need to be open about my struggles is what they didn't see. I was a sleepy lethargic drunk, which meant the result of me drinking so much was that I was often disengaged. They never saw me belligerent. They never saw me out of control. I rarely ever vomited and when that happened they didn't know. I never physically hurt myself or anyone else. I never had a car accident. The list of nevers goes on and on... Yet my alcoholism and the slippery slope i grappled my way out of is so serious and so real. The thing that really concerns me is the family genetic predisposition and figuring out How I make them aware of it in a way that won't make them simply want to think that they know better.

Soberwolf

I think your setting a great example today x

MikeM

Children, from a young age, take in everything that happens. Especially what the their beacons of safety are doing. The parents. They may not understand it. They may not place judgement. But the influence is there.

It is imperative that your children don't see you drink. Even for non-addicts, it's best to not drink until the kids are in bed.

In your case, it's important that at least they don't register it. Which means, if you do drink, only do it when they're asleep. Clean up before you go to bed so they won't find any bottles, or even smells.

And have a talk with them. How Mommy and Daddy used to drink something but that they found out that it's bad for them. Make sure they know exactly what you're talking about. Tell them that now that you know that it's bad for you, you have quit. And that they should know that it's bad for you as well and that they should never drink it themselves.

That is the impression that you want to leave behind.

Nowsthetime

My daughter is 5 and knows I don't drink. I told her I used to but I don't like it anymore because of how it made me feel and how it is bad for you. I will definitely talk to her honestly later in life and age appropriately. I think my example will stick. My husband has said that he will let her try booze at home when she's 16-17 because he doesn't want it to be taboo for her. I think this is a conversation that we need to explore more. Not sure I am comfortable with it. I have been telling her "no cigarettes, no booze, no drugs" and when I say it he gives me a look, as if I'm being hypocritical because I used to drink. He believes it is a right of passage or something...

I guess I have 11 years to sort it out.

MikeM

You've done the right thing so far. And to have her try it when she's 16-17 isn't that bad of an idea. She's going to get in contact with alcohol anyway. Better teach her how to deal with it responsibly.

As you said, there's 11 years before that point. Imagine how often you can teach her about alcohol and responsible alcohol consumption in those years. That will build up and by the time she's 16-17, she will be completely prepared.

Btw, great going on the parenting!

ICanDoBetter

thing is that damage is already done based on past events. Now I don't drink period. The mental struggle is the how and when I have dialogues with them as they grow, in an age appropriate way. It's similar to general parental angst about keeping true and honest communications with your children in hopes that they will always feel comfortable coming to you with thoughts, fears, questions even regarding potentially difficult or embarrassing topics. I'm forever trying to balance making sure they know I'm there when they need or want to talk about anything but at the same time not forcing that upon them.

MikeM

That's a good approach. And remember, this is the type of damage that can be undone.

ICanDoBetter

this is my hope.

least

My kids were teens when I was drinking. They hated it. It took me a while to rebuild their trust, but now our relationship is better than ever.