bluebird418

My xMIL who totally enables her A son (and at least one other A) kid, just sent me an email copying the entire family saying me keeping my DD from him is "unconscionable" (but by the way thank you for the pictures). What I'm doing is unconscionable??? How about his addiction, how it destroyed our family, how he doesnt follow the court order, how he has abused me and disrespected me. How I OFFERED his visitation back if he would go to AA and get a substance abuse eval and a drug test as ordered BY THE COURT, and he declined saying he would have visitation anyways. SORRY BUT NO. I am so sick of this and how that whole family treats me and I continue to go out of my way sending them pictures, letting DD facetime them so she can still have a connection to her other family.

I have supported her by myself most of her life because hes off an on sober and NOT reliable. He owes me thousands in child support. I know I shouldnt have feed the beast. But I couldnt help emailing her back saying that what hes doing is unconscionable etc etc but that i prayed he would soon recover to revisit a healthy relationship with his daughter.

I am legally required to speak with her since I have a protective order against him. UUGHHHHH

hopeful4

"I am sorry you feel that way given the details." That's all I would say, if anything.
Then....
Delete.....

People who do not understand addiction and Cluster B Personality Issues are just what you said, enablers. They are clueless and get upset when we are not will to be codependent and enable any longer as well.

I found out pretty quickly when I divorced my X that blood is MUCH thicker than water, regardless how good of relations you believe you had with his family.

Many hugs.

dandylion

bluebird....as you well know...alcoholism is referred to as a family disease (it affects everyone in the family)......
She appears to be in denial.....and, my guess is that he is feeding her a huge pack of lies, also.......
You may have to just detach from her...just like you have had to do with your husband....
Most important---DO NOT let this eat you up.....

Without details...I don't understand how you are REQUIRED to speak to her....
I think it is up to you as to how much contact is healthy for the daughter to have or not.....
I think that extended family is very important for children....but, then, again, individual circumstances have to be taken into consideration....

dandylion

bluebird418

Because I cant talk to him about DD she is in our court order as in place of him for discussion of her. So, as much as I would love to ignore their stupid family I cant because I have to give her updates on DD (my lawyer advises even though ive suspended visitation) so I dont seem like im being spiteful (which im not im just following the order).
I am trying so hard to not get angry and just realize this is how they all are and have been always but I am reacting and I dont know how to stop it.

hopeful4

Updates about DD does not mean you have to tolerate emotional abuse of yourself. Keep record of this.

The updates should come from you...to her....not vice versa.

This is not the same, but the same idea. I told my X I would keep him in the loop about major things involving our children. Even though he called me a B by text the other night and said all sorts of awful things to me, I simply told him to stop calling me names and leave me alone. Two days later I politely text him and told him something about our daughter. I was still polite on my end b/c I imagine some day this will all go to court and I have to show I maintained my decorum.

Many hugs, I know it's so hard.

Liveitwell

I would follow hopefuls advice. She is in massive denial. She will most likely stay that way or she would have to point the finger at herself. She is only helping her son die-by enabling him to his grave. That's her problem-not yours anymore. Please stay away from toxic people ! Hun-this is what alcoholic enmeshed families DO! (Ask me how I know!).

Snarky response would be to send her the meeting times and information for the local Alanon meeting in your town
Delete the email and delete her from your life.

Liveitwell

I understand that you are ordered to correspond with her BUT you don't have to take this abuse from his mom. Document and possibly alter what you are required to do. She's just another enabler refusing to see the truth.

wanttobehealthy

I would check with the prosecutor and inquire as to whether his mother contacting you ranting as she did is a violation of HIS RO.

In my state, if a family member, acting on behalf of person that there's a RO against, contacts the victim as your MIL did, that is a violation-- or can be...

You under no circumstances, deserve to be free from that insanity...

I would say that the MIL no longer gets to have contact with you. Period.

That is harassment...

bluebird418

The sad thing is, shes at every hearing. She has SEEN the evidence. She has WATCHED him abuse me. This is some straight delusional sh**.

But you all are right, I wish I could run over to an al anon meeting myself right now. There is nothing, no matter what, that i can do or ever have done to make them happy. I will never be "good enough" in their eyes. But thats not my fault.

Liveitwell

Sounds just like my ex MIL. Word for word. It used to bother me while we were married but now I just accept she's a very very sick person. I accept it and while it sure stinks to watch someone make awful choices, it's not MY life any longer. Hun-my exs mother has done the same-seen abuse, knew he was drunk or drinking before visitation, the list goes on and on...and she's done nothing either. They are sick. Pray for them and go on with your life! Btw-I do fully agree that you need to follow up with someone regarding this harrassment. Hopefully she just showed why you should not have to have contact with her anymore. It's obvious she cares nothing for her grandchildren-and is only focused on further harassment and blaming you. Please remove her so you can have some peace from this toxic family.

Liveitwell

Denial-it runs on families. Have you ever watched the Dayeline episodes where the husband admits to the affair, the murder, all of it and the family STILL doesn't believe it and blames the other spouse? Yep. Denial-it is the strongest thing in the universe. The reason it's so strong is that it allows us to live in a fantasy land and not in reality. Your Ex mil is living in lala land so she doesn't have to face reality-bc reality is SHE must own her enabling and allowing her son to abuse her grand kids and lie and covering it up/excusing it. However, many times I've seen this become the apple/tree thing-and you start to see where the family sickness comes from. My ex mil was at a hearing too-where the judge handed it to my ex. Within a week he had lost all visitation due to drinking-testing and failing at dear old moms house. Drinking with mommy and sissy. It's what he did best. This was almost a year ago. My ex mil blamed me for everything too. Told me many times it was my fault her baby boy was an alcoholic and why he treated me badly. My fault. Yes, you are correct in calling it straight up delusional s**t.

No point in trying to argue or explain to people like this. No need to JADE. They are sick and you'll end up back in crazy land all over. My two cents.

FireSprite

Yeah, that's total ****. Emailing you if one thing, including the entire family to view her condescending BS is an attempt to publicly shame/bully you. Not acceptable. I'm not surprised she sees it that way - she's perpetuating the only way she knows. She's SICK, you have to think of her that way.

I think WTBH raises some great questions - I don't know anything about how the law views this, but since she is assigned as the representative for your Ex, she's got to be accountable for harassing you.

Like hopeful, I agree that the shortest answer is best, "Sorry you choose to see it that way." And keep copies of her correspondence to you.

I'd pull back & re-read that court order & comply ONLY as far as I was legally required to; I wouldn't go one tiny step beyond what I HAD to do. You're required to update but is that weekly/monthly?

The only way to deal with people like this (IMO) is sticking to firm boundaries from early on.

Exactly..... extended family is important to children so long as they are not toxic themselves. I draw a very hard line around this with DD because I know how long it has taken ME to identify & fix my issues a an ACoA. Why would I knowingly sign her up for the same stinking therapy in the future, if I know better now?

bluebird418

The only language in the order about her says " as long as there is a protective order in place, fathers mothers shall continue to be used as conduit for communications"...

so I guess technically unless there is something specific, i really dont NEED to speak to her. however, given the cicumstances I have been ADVISED to send updates...

But yeah, she is sick. They are all sick, and its so frustrating knowing how much knowledge and how many tools there are out there to help them, and they wont take it.

Liveitwell

Yes. You said it much better than I did FireSprite. If the family is not in denial, enabling or lying for the ex, sure-it's great if they're involved. But otherwise it's not ok.

Liveitwell

Bluebird-it's easier to blame you than admit their wrongs and ask for help. It's not you, friend. They're doing what sick people do!

hopeful4

I would take it to mean necessary communications, definitely not her verbal abuse of you.

I am guessing that if you took her email to the court, they would find a new "conduit" for communications. Ask for a therapist to do it.

Seren

How about...

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Attached are the court documents in case you have misplaced your copies."

Then press send...

redatlanta

Seren ^^^^ brilliant response.

LexieCat

It's next to impossible to show that she sent it at his request. It has to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt, and here you couldn't even get past probable cause, so no, neither one of them can be charged with a violation.

I doubt that even a harassment charge would stick based on this one email. Saying someone is behaving "unconscionably" isn't the kind of statement that qualifies.

I'd just ignore the editorial commentary and stick to the terms of the order. If you can think of someone more appropriate to be the go-between, you can apply to have the order changed.

Breathe. It's honestly NOT worth your peace of mind.

Liveitwell

Exactly. Say a prayer for her and move on.