he Confessed?

Old 03-08-2016, 11:13 AM
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he Confessed?

I broke up with my boyfriend three days ago. He returned yesterday saying he took me for granted. He never thought I'd be strong enough to break up with him. And apologised. He told me the truth. He confessed to having lied to me countless times. I already had my suspicions. He's taking cocaine everytime he goes out drinking. he started taking in afternoons at work before he changed his job as he was bored there. Luckily his new business partner won't accept that in workplace!!!!
This is also a warning to others. They lie. And they do it well. but look up the signs. Talking much, if you have a sneaky suspicion. You're probably more likely right. Don't brush it aside. You'll end up questioning your own sanity. I nearly killed myself due to the confusion. Imagine I'd lost my life cause of his addiction. And what of my child who's 2 years old now? That's why I couldnt do it. Or just runaway.

I am shocked. Confused.

There's been allot of damage. He hurt me so much at times I needed him.

All those times he did it. I never knew. I'm thinking back to the amounts of hurt I've been through as a result. I cannot process it all. His lifestyle was terrible. When he wasn't out. He'd be home watching tv. And falling asleep. And work. That's it...this is not a good fatherly figure. No hobbies. Negativity all round. Bad tempers etc etc

I'm very worried. He said he will stop. He asked me to give him one month. He can sign a letter as proof. He said I don't have to. I'm not obligated to take him back. He will go for counselling. I want proof thereof if so.

He said he was using the alcohol as a mask. He confessed to being alcoholic a yearago. Nothing changed. I read the big book. Shocked to find out things I never knew. I still don't fully understand the 'disease' aspect explaining the lies. Nothing changed.

I understand that pushing away people who are on drugs won't do any good. I think the fact Hes confessed is amazing. I hugged him and thanked him for the truth and cried with him. I'm very happy about knowing what is actually going on. All confusion. Questions answered.

This is a good thing. But....

The relationship is damaged. I've developed sexual aversion. I couldn't have sex with someone who didn't care about me.

My trust.

Is it the cocaine that made him lie to me. Or is it him? This is my biggest concern. How will I ever know if he's really stopped. I know the signs now as my suspicions were correct.

I ended up being like a mother to him not a girlfriend. I hate this. It's unattractive.

I need counseling. That's for sure. Which I'm going to tomorrow.

Should I allow him to return? And see what happens?

My daughter has suffered allot through this breakup. She asks for him and ihave to keep telling her daddy om holiday Smile and she ok again Smile when it comes to her. There's no if's or but's. He must stop. She cannot go through this again. It traumatic on her.

And I feel I might have ALLOT of resentment towards him. I don't know if I'll ever recover. Or maybe I should have resentment towards the drug. But he lies to me for a long time. Or is it the drug? It's all Confusing.

What am I going to do

We live In Malawi. We only have one psychologist. And a cbt specialist. The psychologist is too expensive. We've tried him before. And both don't think he was good. There's no nar anon groups etc.

The following days message:
I went to a counselor today and she helped me get clarity as to where to go from here.

He called me today asking why I didn't respond sms's!!!!!?????!!!!
He has not registered anything it seams. He thinks he's not an addict. He is. As the counselor said....he's an alcoholic, and narcotic and weed addict. He lost it when he realised I wasn't going to let him come back so easily and has managed to make me feel sorry for him that he's staying in a place away from home all alone without us. But I can't accept him back just cause of security of the home on his front. The whole situation is horrible. Unfortunately I work. I work all day. And I can't spend my life figuring out everything. I can allocate one Hr a day to try understand this. And I told him. I need time. Eventually he apologised and understood. If he comes back there needs to be strict boundaries etc. And I need to fully understand addiction. So he cannot manipulate etc. But for me to do this is mammoth task at moment. Till then, he will have to wait for my answer.

Last edited by AndreaMilo; 03-08-2016 at 11:18 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 03-08-2016, 11:26 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through this. Welcome to SR...you will find a lot of support here. I wouldn't believe a word he says, especially since you have a daughter. Is he the father? Not that it matters...father or not, I would never allow someone doing drugs around my child.

There is no way I would ever even consider taking him back until he had at least one solid year of continuous recovery. One month isn't anywhere close to long enough. If you are even considering taking him back, don't do it until he has proven unequivocally that he has been clean and sober for at least a year.
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Old 03-08-2016, 11:59 AM
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Andrea...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but thankful that you took that very important step by posting and reaching out for support. Other members will be by during the course of the day to offer you feedback and support, but I'd like to offer my two cents.

The following is funny in a dark way:

He returned yesterday saying he took me for granted. He never thought I'd be strong enough to break up with him. And apologized.
I've been around the block enough times to recognize when someone is full of crap. Your ABF is one of those people. He's sorry only because you kicked his arse to the curb, so now he's scrambling to get his foot back in the door. The thing about people in active addiction is they feel entitled to indulge themselves in self destructive behavior at the expense of everything and anything else. And when someone holds them accountable, they get angry.

Suki's feedback is solid, and I would pay close attention to it. There is no reason to trust him at this point. None. Based on that, act accordingly and do your best to protect yourself and your daughter.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 03-08-2016, 12:57 PM
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This is also a warning to others. They lie. And they do it well.
Yes, that's what addicts do.

I just wanted to welcome you and say that I'm glad you are here. Take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum and you will see that there are patterns to the madness, and your addicted loved one is much like most people are in active addiction.

Keep yourself safe, keep space between you for now. Addiction turns the best of homes into a war zone in short time and your child deserves better, so do you.

Hugs
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Old 03-09-2016, 06:20 AM
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Should I allow him to return? And see what happens?

first, see what happens.....like over the course of the next YEAR.....and then perhaps consider allowing him to return. addiction isn't conquered in a week or a month. it became his entire lifestyle and that also doesn't change at the snap of a finger.

protect yourself and your precious child. he let the enemy in the door.
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Old 03-09-2016, 06:35 AM
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Welcome to our SR family ~
I have found a wonderful amount of love, support and suggestions to help me live a healthier life here ~
one of those things is that today I go by people's actions not their words or intentions ~ especially those who suffer from the disease of alcoholism/addiction - they usually have really great words & intentions but their actions don't often match ~
One Day at a Time & The Next Right Thing are good places to start ~
Just my experience, strength & hope
Wishing you & your little one the very best

pink hugs! (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
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Old 03-11-2016, 07:09 PM
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hi Andrea, so glad you found the board. Your BF has had a shock and is now full of good intentions. He gave you a peep into his reasoning when he told you he never thought you'd break up with him. Now he thinks it's finished; he's sorry, he will fix his drug problem, he appreciates what he had - why aren't you on board? Because you know this is just a beginning. He may not realise it, but your instincts are right.

Remorse and good intentions fade, and then the hard slogging work begins. The moods, the sleeplessness, the voice telling you you weren't that bad, it's under control now, you can go back to just using a little. Your BF hasn't even got to that bit yet.

So stay careful. Give him a year or so; you'll probably know by then how serious he is. By all means meet him and explain your decision, and don't let him guilt you into letting him back when you know his default position is to take what he has for granted.
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Old 03-11-2016, 07:34 PM
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Welcome Andrea. I am an addict - well recovering addict with around 4 years clean. One thing most long time friends and family realize and you need to realize is TALK and PROMISES mean nothing when it comes to addiction. The reason he probably came crawling back confessing was because that was his best option at the time. He didn't do it for you he did it for him. He was backed into a corner - thought you were taking off so ran back to you with the sob story to keep you around. I am not saying he can't change, but when forced with ultimatums during active addiction we will say just about anything to keep the status quo. Not rock the boat so to speak. More will be revealed and I don't want to be a downer, but don't get your hopes up until ACTUAL changes are taking place. Talk is cheap. Actually talk gets REALLY annoying eventually - I think most of us would rather the addict just SHUT THE HELL up and actually do something for a change. Sorry if this came across as harsh, but just like the Sun rises in the East - addicts are full of s h * t.
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Old 03-13-2016, 05:27 AM
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Let him come back ? not a chance
You have a child. He broke the deal.
Once out, keep him out, it's so much more difficult to make them leave down the road.
Hugs to you,
Joie
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