i'm new -- mother in law giving me guilt trip

Old 09-17-2004, 11:11 PM
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i'm new -- mother in law giving me guilt trip

Hello. I feel fortunate to have stumbled across this wonderful site. The posts have been helpful just in realizing I am not alone. Much to the surprise of my husband, I served him with divorce papers last Friday. He has been disappearing for long periods of time then lying about where he's been -- still not sure where he's been. He was caught two weeks ago by dea growing marijuana on my parents' property. Can you believe he not only put his own family in danger, but my mom and dad could have lost everything because of his stupidity. He says he's so sorry -- he's been an addict. Now, he'll quit. I had no idea of the amount of marijuana he was smoking. He says it's been daily for the past two years. How did I not see it? I guess I was busy carpooling three wonderful children, working a full time job, teaching Sunday School, and helping my mom look out for my grandmother -- plus I was a pretty good wife, or so I thought. Anyway, he has a felony charge, plus God knows what else he's doing. He is staying with my mother-in-law who previously said she'd never take him in. Now, one week later, she's telling me how much he is changing. When I ask about rehab, she says he's not ready, but he's being so honest and truthful with her, she says. She says to me, "He's really opening up." I know deep down he is lying. I don't think I'll ever believe him again, but my mother-in-law can't or won't see it. You can't change in seven days -- right? Help. She's making me feel guilty. I feel it is my moral obligation to make sure that the kids are raised in a morally, faith based, even keeled home. His behavior has been eratic, and his lies many. I don't plan on ever taking him back. He has put too many things at risk. Any comments? I have tried to be strong, but night time is the most difficult time. I have cried every day, and I have definitely been on the stress diet, losing five pounds this week. Thanks for being out there. I know I've come to a good place.

Last edited by lioness8866; 09-17-2004 at 11:20 PM. Reason: didn't finish
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Old 09-18-2004, 06:33 AM
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Lioness,

Welcome to SR. Please make sure that you take care of yourself. You are in a high stress situation which makes your immune system more susceptible and with 3 great kids they will need their Mom in top shape.

Which brings me to my thought - HURRAH for you that you are taking care of yourself. Feeling guilty is just that a feeling. Just b/c you FEEL guilty doesn't mean you ARE guilty. I'm working on turning off the automatic react...most times it is guilt that I feel but it is not real. It is just something I have learned to feel from the people around me.

Many times people use guilt as a way to fix their situation. Maybe Mom doesn't want Sonny to be at her house any longer. An easy way to getting him out would be to send him "home" to his wife. But you have set a boundary - a boundary that applies to Sonny and Mom and others.

One day at a time Lionness - sometimes one hour at a time. Take care of yourself and your kids. They need a stable parent in their lives and it sounds to me that they have one in you.

Your in my thoughts today.

Petunia
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Old 09-18-2004, 06:35 AM
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I'm sure you were a very good wife. His being an addict is no reflection on the quality of your love for him.
Your mother-in-law is enabling him. She wants to believe the best, even though she isn't really seeing it. She's in denial, you aren't. Don't let that make you feel guilty. You know what's really going on here. You have made a decision based on what's best for you and your children. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
This is a big change for you and your kids. Try to take things one small step at a time.
Hugs,
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Old 09-18-2004, 07:04 AM
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((( lioness! )))

You've made a choice and it's a sound choice based on the facts you know. And he may be changing, or he may not, but it is way too soon to put any faith in it. My reply to your MIL would be "I really hope you're right. Good luck."

Hugs!
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Old 09-18-2004, 09:10 AM
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Hi lioness,
Welcome. You don't have to feel guilty. Your MIL just wants to believe that everything is ok, and of course everyone needs to agree with that to make her feel secure. She has a right to believe what she wants, and so do you.

Glad you joined us. There is a lot of support and caring here. We don't have to go through this alone. Feel free to browse the forums, post or reply. Don't miss the power posts at the top of the forums. There is a lot of good information there.

You may want to consider checking out an Al-Anon meeting in your area. It has been a great source of healing and support for me. To find a meeting in your area http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting."

Keep coming back. You aren't alone. And you can find some peace with this. There are many here who have. Hugs, Magic
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Old 09-18-2004, 09:45 AM
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Many times people use guilt as a way to fix their situation. Maybe Mom doesn't want Sonny to be at her house any longer. An easy way to getting him out would be to send him "home" to his wife.
This was true of my father-in-law. He had my AH living with them before I came along. He was so thrilled that AH came to live with me, he did everything he could to keep us together. He was always happy to give my AH money to bail him out of a jam if it meant I wouldn't be so angry and throw him out. Many timeshe convinced my my AH loved me and was trying. When I finally separated and filed for my divorce he even lectured me on the phone about how marriag eis a commitment, etc etc. That all stopped once he realized my ex already had a new girlfriend lined up to take care of him and provide a place to stay.

Now I am sure he is telling her how happy he is his son found her and all my AH needs is the right woman to straighten him out.

Once you realize that all these people are doing what is bets fro themselves, it becomes easier to realize you ought to be focusing on what is best for you.
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Old 09-18-2004, 05:02 PM
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I can really relate to that. My mother-in-law is the same way. As a matter of fact, after my AH's recent DUI (again), she refused to believe he was drunk while driving, or that he is an alcoholic. She even tried to discourage him from going to AA because she was afraid he would loose his job (go figure, he's already in trouble because of the DUIs if they find THAT out). In the past she has blamed me for his drinking, saying I didn't spend enough time with him, and that was supposedly why he drank. Well, he has her fooled AGAIN. He says he has changed, but I know him so well and can tell when it's all an act. It might be the fact that my mother-in-law doesn't want to admit her son is an alcoholic or it is the fact that she is a HUGE co-dependent.
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Old 09-18-2004, 06:22 PM
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Actual conversation with Dino's mother a long time ago:

Mom: We sent him $800 this weekend, what is he doing with all this money???

Me: YOU DID WHAT???? (I don't know what I said here, but it probably would come out as asterisks anyway.) He's up to his old tricks again.

Mom: What old tricks?

Me: um... using drugs.

Mom: But he ASSURED us it WASN'T for drugs.

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Old 09-18-2004, 06:49 PM
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Oh sweeite! I feel your pain. I was completely blind to my husbands daily crack habit (along with ALL his friends). I hadn't filed divorce papers, but I had written a letter to him one night during his disappearance act stating that I didn't feel the kids and I were part of his life, and that we were keeping him from his true desires. This was written before I knew of his addiction to crack.

You are complete right in your feelings. So don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

In the meantime, I suggest turning to your High Power for answers and guidance. Since I have, I've been reminded of my vows and that our (mine and my AH) HP forgives us of our sins. What our AH's have is an addiction, which is an illness. Yes, they've chosen to use, but they need help to learn to make better choices. I'm lucky in that my AH decided to get help. I know he'll probably relapse, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. It is taking it one day at a time.

If you decide that you do want your AH to be a part of your life, you have to set your own boundaries. My first was telling AH that if he couldn't go through with the treatment program, he couldn't come back home. This was after he told me that he didn't think he was in the right place for himself -- thought he could do it with out-patient treatment (HA!).

I've not only spoken with our Rector, but I've also found myself a good counselor to help me through the 12 steps for co-depency (sp). One of the things that my counselor has taught me is that while I'm not addicted to anything, I am a victim of the addiction. And that before I can get past the anger and *allow* my AH to begin to earn back my trust, I have to work through being a victim of addiction.

Don't let your MIL talk you into anything that is outside of your boundries.

****{HUGS}}}
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