wife fianlly went to rehab
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wife fianlly went to rehab
I married my wife knowing she had a drinking problem. In the last year it has from bad to worse. She cheated on me with her boss. During this month long affair her drinking became dangerous. She told me the affair was over but then would drink again and start it back up again. She came home one day and told me she was leaving me for the other person. I texted her 3 options. 1. Come home and get help. 2 stay away from her lover and I would pay for her getting help or 3. Stay with her lover. Two days went and she came home, said she wanted to stAy married and go to rehab.
My wife found the place on her own. And has been in rehab for 4 days. I know she drank on the plane. She left her luggage at the airport. I don't know since she was drinking again if she told her lover where she is.
My wife told me she realized She messed up and needed help and her lover was a pathetic human. Idk what to believe. I guess I have 30 days to figure out all of my thoughts.
Has anyone gone through this before?
My wife found the place on her own. And has been in rehab for 4 days. I know she drank on the plane. She left her luggage at the airport. I don't know since she was drinking again if she told her lover where she is.
My wife told me she realized She messed up and needed help and her lover was a pathetic human. Idk what to believe. I guess I have 30 days to figure out all of my thoughts.
Has anyone gone through this before?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi jellyfish. Welcome and sorry you are in this situation. I am sure many people here have been through this before, so you are in the right place.
My STBXAH early on in our relationship was visiting prostitutes. I posted about this on the board and people pointed out to me that cheating is an entirely different issue from alcoholism.
Right now, you don't have to make any major decisions. But I would urge you to read as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction. It will help you make some sense of the insanity of it all. If she is committed to recovery and making your marriage work, she will show you. But she must show you through her actions...not just through words, which are often empty promises coming from alcoholics. Realize you cannot control her drinking and any efforts to do so will just make the situation worse. Do what you can for yourself and your own serenity.
One final thing to think about...regardless if you guys choose to stay together and recover...the trust issue is a major deal, especially when infidelity is involved. Can you ever trust her? Will you ever be able to handle wondering where she was if she gets home late? Just things to think about...and these are things I am also contemplating in my own relationship.
My STBXAH early on in our relationship was visiting prostitutes. I posted about this on the board and people pointed out to me that cheating is an entirely different issue from alcoholism.
Right now, you don't have to make any major decisions. But I would urge you to read as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction. It will help you make some sense of the insanity of it all. If she is committed to recovery and making your marriage work, she will show you. But she must show you through her actions...not just through words, which are often empty promises coming from alcoholics. Realize you cannot control her drinking and any efforts to do so will just make the situation worse. Do what you can for yourself and your own serenity.
One final thing to think about...regardless if you guys choose to stay together and recover...the trust issue is a major deal, especially when infidelity is involved. Can you ever trust her? Will you ever be able to handle wondering where she was if she gets home late? Just things to think about...and these are things I am also contemplating in my own relationship.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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jellyfish.........I am just spitballin here....but, I guestimate that y ou are hoping that if she just quits drinking that she will give up her sidepiece and all will be well with the marriage, again.....
Oh....if it were only that simple.....
You have been in the dance of alcoholism, together ......More like an Argentine Tango......
Some marriages make it....IF......both parties make the internal changes needed.
If both make the changes from the inside......each one will emerge as different than they have ever been.....
Each will, essentially, be "new" to the other person......
A whole new relationship will have to be established---THE OLD ONE WILL BE GONE......
this happens over time.....time......time......
No use in future tripping too much.....the future is unwritten.......
dandylion
Oh....if it were only that simple.....
You have been in the dance of alcoholism, together ......More like an Argentine Tango......
Some marriages make it....IF......both parties make the internal changes needed.
If both make the changes from the inside......each one will emerge as different than they have ever been.....
Each will, essentially, be "new" to the other person......
A whole new relationship will have to be established---THE OLD ONE WILL BE GONE......
this happens over time.....time......time......
No use in future tripping too much.....the future is unwritten.......
dandylion
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Thanks jada. We have been going to a marriage councillor and I go on my own also. I have total unconditional love for my wife. My sober wife is the most amazing person in this world. I know The drinking and the manipulation of her lover made the cheating happen. My wife says She is dedicated to saving this marriage. Her lover is what scares me. They are also a very heavy drinker. I am willing to work it out with My wife for a long as It takes. But I do know it takes 2.
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This is the one line I needed to hear. I pray that she comes home and when in rehab sees that her marriage is worth it. But I refuse to be in a 3 person marriage. I will end the marriage. Will be the hardest thing in my life. But I'm not a doormat. Or a 2nd choice
No use in future tripping too much.....the future is unwritten.......
No use in future tripping too much.....the future is unwritten.......
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by jellyfish13 
Thanks jada. We have been going to a marriage councillor and I go on my own also. I have total unconditional love for my wife. My sober wife is the most amazing person in this world. I know The drinking and the manipulation of her lover made the cheating happen. My wife says She is dedicated to saving this marriage. Her lover is what scares me. They are also a very heavy drinker. I am willing to work it out with My wife for a long as It takes. But I do know it takes 2.
Also, she/you cannot blame the cheating on her lover, anymore than she can blame you for her cheating/drinking.
Just some food for thought.
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My wife is really like 2 different people. And I only blame one person for the affair, my wife. My wife is in a weak state and her lover sees this and took advantage of her. I'm angry that someone would treat my wife like that. But I am also angry that My wife would do this to me.
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jellyfish.....you are probably going to hate for me to say this....(go ahead, I have thick skin).....but, don't be afraid of her lover. Her lover is but an exchangeable piece of stage dressing in this "play". He is of no consequence..in and of himself....it it wasn't HIM/her....it would be some other.....
Be scared of yourself.....
Your journey will be determined by what is INSIDE of you.......not what is outside of you.....
I know, well, the kind of pain that you are in......
The pain will not last forever (believe it or not)......don't let the pain blind you.....
dandylion
Be scared of yourself.....
Your journey will be determined by what is INSIDE of you.......not what is outside of you.....
I know, well, the kind of pain that you are in......
The pain will not last forever (believe it or not)......don't let the pain blind you.....
dandylion
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I know you're right. Her lover posts things on fb that make me believe Its not over. I will wait the 30 days to see if anything changes. The pain is too real. I will know what I have to do. Even if she is sober. All I want is for my wife to be sober and happy. And I need to be happy myself. I cannot stay married to someone who makes me feel worthless. Idk if rehab will change the cheating. But I do hope it gets her sober. If she is sober and we are no longer married that will still give my happiness. I love this woman enough to let go and stay sober if I have to.
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I think it's smart of you to get counseling and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or face to face support so that no matter what does happen, you are strong enough to handle it and still be in good shape yourself.
You are right, only she can make decisions about what she wants. Rehab is a controlled environment. Once she is home, she will be back in the same environment she started in. That is where the rubber meets the road.
I think you need to add that you love yourself enough to let go if that is what you have to do.
On the up side, if you take advantage of this time and really put the focus on yourself, what makes YOU tick, and what makes YOU happy, you can really get to know yourself and your self esteem and mind will be in a place that you will make the right decisions because it's what right for your future.
Definitely she can change, it does happen. It might, it might not. That is out of your own control, but you are fully in control of you.
Many hugs. Keep posting, you are definitely not alone.
You are right, only she can make decisions about what she wants. Rehab is a controlled environment. Once she is home, she will be back in the same environment she started in. That is where the rubber meets the road.
I think you need to add that you love yourself enough to let go if that is what you have to do.
On the up side, if you take advantage of this time and really put the focus on yourself, what makes YOU tick, and what makes YOU happy, you can really get to know yourself and your self esteem and mind will be in a place that you will make the right decisions because it's what right for your future.
Definitely she can change, it does happen. It might, it might not. That is out of your own control, but you are fully in control of you.
Many hugs. Keep posting, you are definitely not alone.
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How many more crystal clear signs do you need? Please read your own post and ask yourself what you would tell any sane person who shared that information with you. Is it only misery that makes you happy? Is that what you want in a marriage and a wife?
Dude. Dude.
Dude. Dude.
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Originally Posted by jellyfish13
I married my wife knowing she had a drinking problem. In the last year it has from bad to worse. She cheated on me with her boss. During this month long affair her drinking became dangerous. She told me the affair was over but then would drink again and start it back up again. She came home one day and told me she was leaving me for the other person.
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Location: W Washington
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i come from the "cheating is a dealbreaker" bleachers......so take what i say with a grain of salt. that she "admitted" to this affair being a month long is likely underselling how long it was going on. alcoholics are skilled at admitting partial truths and then downplaying the severity. this is to make us feel better about the news. Oh so you were sleeping with someone else for ONLY a month? well then, that's not so bad!
the drinking and the cheating ARE two separate issues. otherwise everyone who drinks to excess would end up in bed with the wrong person. but such is not the case. alcohol LOWERS our inhibitions, but it does not let anything out that wasn't already present or caged up.
while your wife is in rehab, you have time to gather more information and start to build your own "recovery" plan - no one lives on the front lines of addiction and comes away unscathed. you should also consider what is acceptable and unacceptable going forward. and look into developing boundaries.
if your wife was sleeping with her BOSS, how is that going to work - will she keep that job? that seems near to impossible, IMHO. do you know for sure if this was her only indiscretion? what if she starts drinking again? is a "slip" here to there OK? will there be any booze in the house? what if she decides she wants to separate?
while painful, it's advised to ponder these very real possibilities - think about them, examine how they make you feel, and then work towards solutions that are in YOUR best interests.
the drinking and the cheating ARE two separate issues. otherwise everyone who drinks to excess would end up in bed with the wrong person. but such is not the case. alcohol LOWERS our inhibitions, but it does not let anything out that wasn't already present or caged up.
while your wife is in rehab, you have time to gather more information and start to build your own "recovery" plan - no one lives on the front lines of addiction and comes away unscathed. you should also consider what is acceptable and unacceptable going forward. and look into developing boundaries.
if your wife was sleeping with her BOSS, how is that going to work - will she keep that job? that seems near to impossible, IMHO. do you know for sure if this was her only indiscretion? what if she starts drinking again? is a "slip" here to there OK? will there be any booze in the house? what if she decides she wants to separate?
while painful, it's advised to ponder these very real possibilities - think about them, examine how they make you feel, and then work towards solutions that are in YOUR best interests.
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jf, i hope you work it out with your AW. Although many of the posters have experienced enough to make them cynical or at least very wary, you'll find out soon enough if you two can make it work, and if your AW is capable of staying sober.
If she starts getting very distant at rehab, not communicating, keep in mind that it's common for the patients to start affairs with each other. They're exchanging deeply personal information, they have someone who knows what they're going through and emotions are raw.
I'm sorry to bring it up, but I thought it might be a good idea to warn you. While she's away, consider educating yourself on alcoholism and attending Al-anon. Working on yourself and your own attitudes will help enormously.
If she starts getting very distant at rehab, not communicating, keep in mind that it's common for the patients to start affairs with each other. They're exchanging deeply personal information, they have someone who knows what they're going through and emotions are raw.
I'm sorry to bring it up, but I thought it might be a good idea to warn you. While she's away, consider educating yourself on alcoholism and attending Al-anon. Working on yourself and your own attitudes will help enormously.
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A blackout is not when someone doesn't know what they are doing, its when someone doesn't remember what they did. As the other have said, alcohol did not make your wife cheat. The other person did not either.
Its so easy to blame and excuse behavior on being drunk. Our Court system won't excuse it, no one ever got a pass for doing something while they were drunk.
Some of what ou have written does show that you are unwilling to accept scraps, you DID set a boundary when you confirmed the affair, and stuck to it. The question is did your wife go to rehab because she truly seeks sobriety? Or did she go to appease you, and get off the hook? Perhaps her affair told her he wasn't interested in her for a permanent thing - maybe she came home because it was the only alternative. The saying "more will be revealed" is very pertinent to your situation. My advice would be to step out of the ring so to speak, become an observer. I would not go and see her. You should get an inkling of her commitment to the program soon enough. That's what you need to be looking for without giving her ultimatum's.
I doubt she is out of contact with the other, and stalking his FB really doesn't do you any good. People use FB daily to present what they want to which is not necessarily the truth. Close that door - you already know what you know.
Its so easy to blame and excuse behavior on being drunk. Our Court system won't excuse it, no one ever got a pass for doing something while they were drunk.
Some of what ou have written does show that you are unwilling to accept scraps, you DID set a boundary when you confirmed the affair, and stuck to it. The question is did your wife go to rehab because she truly seeks sobriety? Or did she go to appease you, and get off the hook? Perhaps her affair told her he wasn't interested in her for a permanent thing - maybe she came home because it was the only alternative. The saying "more will be revealed" is very pertinent to your situation. My advice would be to step out of the ring so to speak, become an observer. I would not go and see her. You should get an inkling of her commitment to the program soon enough. That's what you need to be looking for without giving her ultimatum's.
I doubt she is out of contact with the other, and stalking his FB really doesn't do you any good. People use FB daily to present what they want to which is not necessarily the truth. Close that door - you already know what you know.
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The love and commitment you have for your wife comes through in your posts. It's heartbreaking to read. For what it's worth, here's my $.02. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Your wife chose to have an extramarital affair without any consideration for you and your feelings. The affair rests squarely on her shoulders (not the alcohol or the other man). No one else. And, I think her actions show a lack of respect for you and your marriage (in my humble opinion).
I hope she tackles and addresses her alcoholism and deep rooted issues for her sake. It's her responsibility to do it, not yours. Your responsibility is to yourself, your happiness and your well-being.
I haven't gone through exactly what you're going through, but a couple of months ago my husband finally admitted to going to massage parlors five times during a dark 6-month period of binge drinking (approximately 1 1/2 years ago). I had a moment where I finally took off my rose colored glasses and sadly thought to myself - my husband doesn't respect me or this marriage. I only had to look at his actions for the truth in that statement. Of course, he's remorseful and takes ownership for his actions, blah, blah, blah. I bet he is...especially since those short-lived "happy endings" have resulted in a not so happy ending. I decided on a physical separation shortly after his confession.
Please take care of yourself and do what's best for YOU. I wish you the best. Hang in there.
Your wife chose to have an extramarital affair without any consideration for you and your feelings. The affair rests squarely on her shoulders (not the alcohol or the other man). No one else. And, I think her actions show a lack of respect for you and your marriage (in my humble opinion).
I hope she tackles and addresses her alcoholism and deep rooted issues for her sake. It's her responsibility to do it, not yours. Your responsibility is to yourself, your happiness and your well-being.
I haven't gone through exactly what you're going through, but a couple of months ago my husband finally admitted to going to massage parlors five times during a dark 6-month period of binge drinking (approximately 1 1/2 years ago). I had a moment where I finally took off my rose colored glasses and sadly thought to myself - my husband doesn't respect me or this marriage. I only had to look at his actions for the truth in that statement. Of course, he's remorseful and takes ownership for his actions, blah, blah, blah. I bet he is...especially since those short-lived "happy endings" have resulted in a not so happy ending. I decided on a physical separation shortly after his confession.
Please take care of yourself and do what's best for YOU. I wish you the best. Hang in there.
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JF,
Welcome to SR. Good for you for reaching out for support, you definitely sound like you need it, as we all did when we entered these walls.
First off, I want to explain to you about the 3 person marriage. It really isn't a 3 person marriage, but a 4 person marriage. The first love of an alcoholic is the alcohol. That is their number one love and will always choose that over Everything. It hurts but that is what addiction does to our love ones, so add that to the list.
Your 100 % commitment to your wife's sobriety is amazing, but everyone of us who came here was looking for the paper that said "how do I get our loved one sober and live happily ever after". You have a lot of good advice from people who have walked in your shoes. Please listen to them. Go to alanon, go to open AA meetings read on the new to recovery forum and see how difficult it is to get sober. Most addicts fail on their first try, as much as I hate to say. That this could be a reality for you.... so what is your back up plan if she does?
Once she is home and committed to sobriety, 90/90, she will have to continue to "work" on herself, and not work on fixing the "marriage". Thirty days is not a lot of time behind her and she will be "consumed" by that. She will have changed (hopefully)
If you are working your program and educating yourself to your recovery, there will be no time to be thinking about her. Addicts do many horrible things and at some point in your life for your own sanity you will have to find a recovery plan to make your life better and it's not just seeing her sober.
Alcoholics need to Grow up, Sober up and Work a program. It's not only about the drink.
Hugs my friend, I hope it all works out for you.
Welcome to SR. Good for you for reaching out for support, you definitely sound like you need it, as we all did when we entered these walls.
First off, I want to explain to you about the 3 person marriage. It really isn't a 3 person marriage, but a 4 person marriage. The first love of an alcoholic is the alcohol. That is their number one love and will always choose that over Everything. It hurts but that is what addiction does to our love ones, so add that to the list.
Your 100 % commitment to your wife's sobriety is amazing, but everyone of us who came here was looking for the paper that said "how do I get our loved one sober and live happily ever after". You have a lot of good advice from people who have walked in your shoes. Please listen to them. Go to alanon, go to open AA meetings read on the new to recovery forum and see how difficult it is to get sober. Most addicts fail on their first try, as much as I hate to say. That this could be a reality for you.... so what is your back up plan if she does?
Once she is home and committed to sobriety, 90/90, she will have to continue to "work" on herself, and not work on fixing the "marriage". Thirty days is not a lot of time behind her and she will be "consumed" by that. She will have changed (hopefully)
If you are working your program and educating yourself to your recovery, there will be no time to be thinking about her. Addicts do many horrible things and at some point in your life for your own sanity you will have to find a recovery plan to make your life better and it's not just seeing her sober.
Alcoholics need to Grow up, Sober up and Work a program. It's not only about the drink.
Hugs my friend, I hope it all works out for you.
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