Family business with Alcoholic owner/Father
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 2
Family business with Alcoholic owner/Father
Hi everyone,
I'm 26 years old and still live at home with my Mum, Dad and Brother. We have a small family business which my Mum, Dad and myself run. My Dad is the person who basically runs this business and he's also an alcoholic.
He's been to rehab but it never really stuck - he decided that he didn't want to quit drinking but that he wanted to learn to control it. He usually has about 4 beers each evening but when he's stressed or something happens that pushes him over, he'll drink more and 'fall off the wagon' and this'll last for a few days/week.
Anyway, over the last 8 years it's been incredibly difficult on my Mum and their marriage is basically surviving by a thread. I've had to take on so much, support my mother, my brother and also make sure my Dad's okay. At times I've felt like I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it's led me to battle with my own depression. It's got to the stage now though where I know I need to do something in order to distance myself from their marital affairs and from my Dad's drinking - but the problem is, I don't know what to do. It seriously consumes my every thought when my Dad has a bad spell and I don't want it anymore. I want to be able to live my own life, get married to my fantastic girlfriend and be happy, but how ever hard I try, I can't help still worry about it him and constantly try and be the go between for him and my Mum and try to fix their marriage.
It doesn't help that we all work together and the running of the business is generally all down to him, which obviously makes me worry about finances and the business etc when he has turns like this - we all know alcoholics are known for their irrationality.
My Dad is a fantastic person when he's sober - a truly lovely funny person who would do anything to help anyone. But the minute alcohol touches his lips, I actually wish he was dead. He's destructive, horrible, irresponsible and completely non self sufficient.
If you guys could give me a bit of advice it would be greatly appreciated.
Look forward to hearing from you all - thanks in advance.
Kind regards
Ben
I'm 26 years old and still live at home with my Mum, Dad and Brother. We have a small family business which my Mum, Dad and myself run. My Dad is the person who basically runs this business and he's also an alcoholic.
He's been to rehab but it never really stuck - he decided that he didn't want to quit drinking but that he wanted to learn to control it. He usually has about 4 beers each evening but when he's stressed or something happens that pushes him over, he'll drink more and 'fall off the wagon' and this'll last for a few days/week.
Anyway, over the last 8 years it's been incredibly difficult on my Mum and their marriage is basically surviving by a thread. I've had to take on so much, support my mother, my brother and also make sure my Dad's okay. At times I've felt like I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it's led me to battle with my own depression. It's got to the stage now though where I know I need to do something in order to distance myself from their marital affairs and from my Dad's drinking - but the problem is, I don't know what to do. It seriously consumes my every thought when my Dad has a bad spell and I don't want it anymore. I want to be able to live my own life, get married to my fantastic girlfriend and be happy, but how ever hard I try, I can't help still worry about it him and constantly try and be the go between for him and my Mum and try to fix their marriage.
It doesn't help that we all work together and the running of the business is generally all down to him, which obviously makes me worry about finances and the business etc when he has turns like this - we all know alcoholics are known for their irrationality.
My Dad is a fantastic person when he's sober - a truly lovely funny person who would do anything to help anyone. But the minute alcohol touches his lips, I actually wish he was dead. He's destructive, horrible, irresponsible and completely non self sufficient.
If you guys could give me a bit of advice it would be greatly appreciated.
Look forward to hearing from you all - thanks in advance.
Kind regards
Ben
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Hi Ben- sorry you have to go through this but you are in a good place.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes, as I'm the ex wife of an alcoholic and not the child, however it seems that what I hear overall on this forum and in general is you need to protect yourself. Alcoholics by nature are very good at draining, hurting, manipulating and lying to those around them. I'm sure it's been extremely emotionally draining for you and your whole family. If he's really not interested in treatment and you feel there's nothing you can do I suggest putting distance there and living the life you want to- I. E. Marry your girlfriend if that is what would make you happy.
At the end of the day the alcoholic will take care of the alcoholic and you need to take care of you.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes, as I'm the ex wife of an alcoholic and not the child, however it seems that what I hear overall on this forum and in general is you need to protect yourself. Alcoholics by nature are very good at draining, hurting, manipulating and lying to those around them. I'm sure it's been extremely emotionally draining for you and your whole family. If he's really not interested in treatment and you feel there's nothing you can do I suggest putting distance there and living the life you want to- I. E. Marry your girlfriend if that is what would make you happy.
At the end of the day the alcoholic will take care of the alcoholic and you need to take care of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Oh Ben, I'm so sorry for what brings you here. Neither of my parents was an alcoholic, but my mother used me as her sounding board for all their marital woes for YEARS. During my youth I was wholly convinced that my dad was basically a jerk who treated my mom very poorly. It wasn't until I moved out for college and grad school that I started to appreciate that marriage is a two-way street, and that my mom was responsible for plenty of the yuckiness in their marriage. The bottom line is that regardless of whether someone is an alcoholic or not, it is NEVER ok to put your child (even a grown child) in the middle of marital issues.
I agree that your focus should be on YOU. Not on your mum or your dad or their marriage or his drinking. I loved my mother very much, and finally just had to tell her that I was no longer willing to be the person she vented all her marital frustration to. Sometimes I had to work pretty hard to enforce those boundaries, but over time, it became more natural for her to just not bring those issues to me at all.
Take the time to learn about yourself and honor your own priorities and your vision for your own life while you can. I speak from experience when I say it's a far more preferable option than ending up in your 40s with basically no idea of who you are and what you want because you've spent your whole life "managing" the alcoholic/dysfunctional person in your life and the chaos they bring to everyone around them.
I agree that your focus should be on YOU. Not on your mum or your dad or their marriage or his drinking. I loved my mother very much, and finally just had to tell her that I was no longer willing to be the person she vented all her marital frustration to. Sometimes I had to work pretty hard to enforce those boundaries, but over time, it became more natural for her to just not bring those issues to me at all.
Take the time to learn about yourself and honor your own priorities and your vision for your own life while you can. I speak from experience when I say it's a far more preferable option than ending up in your 40s with basically no idea of who you are and what you want because you've spent your whole life "managing" the alcoholic/dysfunctional person in your life and the chaos they bring to everyone around them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
one drink is falling off the wagon. there is no drinking on the wagon-- at all. it's the first drink that gets you drunk. if he could control his drinking, he would. he doesn't, so he can't. believe what you see, not what you hear.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think I'd seriously consider finding a new job as a first step. As long as you are working there, you have all the drama and dysfunction in your face every single day, and how can you help worrying about the business when your livelihood/future depend on it?
I'm sure you've got a lot of skills and experience that would be attractive to a new employer. Are you concerned about eventually inheriting this business? If your dad keeps on as he has been, there may ultimately be nothing left TO inherit.
We tell people here all the time that sticking with an alcoholic spouse because they can't "afford" to leave is a false economy, because eventually it will be all gone.
Why not invest in your own happy future by building your own career? You should be able to start your new life with your wonderful girlfriend without this dark cloud hanging over your future.
I'm sure you've got a lot of skills and experience that would be attractive to a new employer. Are you concerned about eventually inheriting this business? If your dad keeps on as he has been, there may ultimately be nothing left TO inherit.
We tell people here all the time that sticking with an alcoholic spouse because they can't "afford" to leave is a false economy, because eventually it will be all gone.
Why not invest in your own happy future by building your own career? You should be able to start your new life with your wonderful girlfriend without this dark cloud hanging over your future.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1
Seeking advice/similar situation
Hello,
I am in a very similar situation, I work for the family business, my Dad runs it, I work here with my Mom, Dad and myself. He is an alcoholic and won't admit it. Just like your dad, he is a well-respected and loved person and runs the business pretty well. About a year ago I tried to get him to do something about it because he drinks during business hours and occasionally is intoxicated enough for others to notice and now I am afraid he will drink and drive and hurt himself, others and screw our business over because he is in a company vehicle. When I try to bring up the situation He becomes defensive, etc., the usual response. I am going through a divorce currently and have plans to move out of town once it is final and find another job(I have also wanted to leave for a year or so because I don't want to work for an alcoholic, its awkward), my sister just divorced as well, my Dad's father is dying and my Dad drinks more heavily during tough times. My Mom is at her wit's end, she has enabled him our whole lives and she ***** foots around the situation to not cause conflict because she feels that is best. I am wondering what you did to help your situation, what worked, what didn't? I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I leave, the situation gets worse and my Mom is left to deal with the business and alcoholic husband, if I stay I am enabling my Dad and putting myself in more awkward situations. Do I tell him to leave and go home and drink if that is his prerogative and I'll manage the business? Help please. Thank you.
I am in a very similar situation, I work for the family business, my Dad runs it, I work here with my Mom, Dad and myself. He is an alcoholic and won't admit it. Just like your dad, he is a well-respected and loved person and runs the business pretty well. About a year ago I tried to get him to do something about it because he drinks during business hours and occasionally is intoxicated enough for others to notice and now I am afraid he will drink and drive and hurt himself, others and screw our business over because he is in a company vehicle. When I try to bring up the situation He becomes defensive, etc., the usual response. I am going through a divorce currently and have plans to move out of town once it is final and find another job(I have also wanted to leave for a year or so because I don't want to work for an alcoholic, its awkward), my sister just divorced as well, my Dad's father is dying and my Dad drinks more heavily during tough times. My Mom is at her wit's end, she has enabled him our whole lives and she ***** foots around the situation to not cause conflict because she feels that is best. I am wondering what you did to help your situation, what worked, what didn't? I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I leave, the situation gets worse and my Mom is left to deal with the business and alcoholic husband, if I stay I am enabling my Dad and putting myself in more awkward situations. Do I tell him to leave and go home and drink if that is his prerogative and I'll manage the business? Help please. Thank you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi there, and welcome!
This thread is a year old, so you might get more responses to your specific situation if you post a new thread and introduce yourself there.
Seems to me the situation will "get worse" regardless of whether you stay or leave. You and your mom would probably both benefit greatly from Al-Anon--I suggest you find a group and start going. If your dad is the sole owner of the business I don't see how you can force anything. If you are a partner, along with your mom, a business attorney could probably advise you of some options in terms of the business.
This thread is a year old, so you might get more responses to your specific situation if you post a new thread and introduce yourself there.
Seems to me the situation will "get worse" regardless of whether you stay or leave. You and your mom would probably both benefit greatly from Al-Anon--I suggest you find a group and start going. If your dad is the sole owner of the business I don't see how you can force anything. If you are a partner, along with your mom, a business attorney could probably advise you of some options in terms of the business.
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