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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Melbourne VIC
Posts: 1
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Hi everyone,
I an older woman who has been seeing a work collegue for just over a year now. When he said he was an alcoholic, I thought he was joking.
He wasn't. This is all very new to me. In the year I have known him he has missed one day of work from his drinking.
We have been unable to attend some events because of his drinking and I think he can be inappropriate with women in that state.
He is aware, or as aware as any addict can be I suppose.
He says he isn't good at relationships and I would think it would be because of his drinking.
I am torn as he goes for weeks and sometimes a few months without drinking at all.
I care about him and wonder if there can be a future although I guess deep down I know that it will only deteriorate.
I suppose I need some advise on how they manipulate us.
Thank you.
I an older woman who has been seeing a work collegue for just over a year now. When he said he was an alcoholic, I thought he was joking.
He wasn't. This is all very new to me. In the year I have known him he has missed one day of work from his drinking.
We have been unable to attend some events because of his drinking and I think he can be inappropriate with women in that state.
He is aware, or as aware as any addict can be I suppose.
He says he isn't good at relationships and I would think it would be because of his drinking.
I am torn as he goes for weeks and sometimes a few months without drinking at all.
I care about him and wonder if there can be a future although I guess deep down I know that it will only deteriorate.
I suppose I need some advise on how they manipulate us.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
if one is a drunk -- only total abstinence will bring happiness
Originally Posted by shonamac 
He says he isn't good at relationships and I would think it would be because of his drinking.
Will this losing streak change for him?
Probably only if he stops drinking?
If confronted with this thought of total abstinence,
I wonder what his thoughts will be?
M-Bob
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
Welcome to the family. 
Alcoholism never gets better, only worse. 
Unless he wants to get sober, it's unlikely that he will. When I was drinking I was very selfish.
Binge drinking is alcoholism too. Can be worse than daily drinking due to the amounts consumed in one sitting.
I hope you can set some boundaries and find some peace of mind.
Alcoholism never gets better, only worse. 
Unless he wants to get sober, it's unlikely that he will. When I was drinking I was very selfish. Binge drinking is alcoholism too. Can be worse than daily drinking due to the amounts consumed in one sitting.
I hope you can set some boundaries and find some peace of mind.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi Shonamac 
Most of us in this forum are alcoholics or addicts.
I didn't mean to put the bottle before my various relationships but I did.
In essence what I had was a menage a trois with me my partner and alcohol.
That wasn't fair on my partner.
If your partner shows no sign of stopping I think you need to ask yourself what the future would be like, and whether you want that.
We have a friends and family section here too - you might find more answers on manipulation down there
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ily-alcoholics
D
Most of us in this forum are alcoholics or addicts.
I didn't mean to put the bottle before my various relationships but I did.
In essence what I had was a menage a trois with me my partner and alcohol.
That wasn't fair on my partner.
If your partner shows no sign of stopping I think you need to ask yourself what the future would be like, and whether you want that.
We have a friends and family section here too - you might find more answers on manipulation down there
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ily-alcoholics
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
shonamac,
i'm one of "them", and the way it was is that when i needed/wanted to drink, i'd do what i needed to in order to get to drink.
saying no to people and plans.
spending money i didn't really have.
being dishonest.
hiding the extent.
that kind of stuff.
ultimately, drink came first.
he's told you valuable information. and you've seen the truth of it. he keeps returning to drinking.
my best suggestion is : if you want to stay with him, have no expectations. none.
ask yourself what keeps you with a person you can have no realistic prospect of a fulfilling and equal partnership with. and then figure out what you need to do about yourself and for yourself.
my other suggestion is to run for the hills.
harsh? i've cared for and about alcoholics, active alcoholics. and i'm not dismissing the wonderful stuff there can be. but what i've learned is that they do exactly as i did when i was a drinking drunk: ultimately, drinking has first place.
take care of yourself. that is your responsibility.
i'm one of "them", and the way it was is that when i needed/wanted to drink, i'd do what i needed to in order to get to drink.
saying no to people and plans.
spending money i didn't really have.
being dishonest.
hiding the extent.
that kind of stuff.
ultimately, drink came first.
he's told you valuable information. and you've seen the truth of it. he keeps returning to drinking.
my best suggestion is : if you want to stay with him, have no expectations. none.
ask yourself what keeps you with a person you can have no realistic prospect of a fulfilling and equal partnership with. and then figure out what you need to do about yourself and for yourself.
my other suggestion is to run for the hills.
harsh? i've cared for and about alcoholics, active alcoholics. and i'm not dismissing the wonderful stuff there can be. but what i've learned is that they do exactly as i did when i was a drinking drunk: ultimately, drinking has first place.
take care of yourself. that is your responsibility.
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