Friends with XA?

Old 03-07-2016, 03:04 PM
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Friends with XA?

Just wondering if there's anyone here who divorced/separated from their alcoholic and ended up being friends? STBXAH and I are making arrangements for our divorce. Even though we are saying we need to work on ourselves and not 100% putting out of the realm of possibility that we could get back together, I have a hard time believing we will ever be able to reconcile and be together again, but I do think there's a possibility we could be friends in the future? I dunno...I probably shouldn't even be thinking about that, but I was just interested to hear some stories from others.
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Old 03-07-2016, 03:14 PM
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Jada, I do think there are some who have wound up friends. I have not but that is because I'm still attracted to him and it wouldn't be really practical to be friends.
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Old 03-07-2016, 03:49 PM
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I'm VERY close friends with my first husband, who's been sober 36 years. Of course, he had been sober since the year before we got married, and our divorce had nothing to do with alcoholism. I stay with him and his wife when I go out West to see my kids, and he just sent me all his personal financial info because I'm the executor of his will. There's a deep level of trust on both sides.

Only time will tell how things work out between the two of you. I think it's rare to remain good friends but it can happen.
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Old 03-07-2016, 05:43 PM
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I can say I am trying to keep things as friendly as possible when I have to deal with him (you can use the term "civil"), but friends? Don't really think so. It all depends. My ex has crossed the line, not for being a partner, but also for being a friend, and I do not trust him much.

I am sure that there are people who do not cross the line and you can be friends with them just fine.
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Old 03-07-2016, 06:24 PM
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So far, 6 months after I moved out, STBXAH and I are getting along fairly well. He has not been outright abusive to me, and I'm generally good at ignoring his run-of-the-mill ridiculousness. We have our moments, but so far, things are certainly cordial and cooperative where our DS is concerned.

I don't know if we will be true friends long-term, but 99% of the ugliness and contentiousness of our relationship is on hiatus for now, at least. That said, I do not take anything for granted where an A is concerned. As long as he's not sober and in recovery, he will get worse. And who knows how that will manifest itself.
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Old 03-07-2016, 07:37 PM
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Um, no. Just no.

P.S. Love that Lexie has such a great relationship with her ex-I really like reading her stories-so it is possible, if the planets align and your XA isn't just smoke and mirrors-which is a likely possibility. But I hope that's not the case with yours. I wish you the best!
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Old 03-07-2016, 07:54 PM
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When I communicate with my XAH it's always pleasant. There's usually a little joking along with business, and we often end emails with "love ya", or something like that. If he lived close by I would probably call him if I needed help with the car, and I'd probably feed him if he stopped by to talk about our daughter.

I guess it all depends on how you define friend. We care for each other, and are comfortable with that, but I don't confide, or lean on him the way I would a "best buddy". He has very little idea what's happening in my private life, and I'm not all that sure what's happening in his.

Most importantly, I have no "relationship" at all with his drinking. In washing my hands of that I had to let go of a lot of the intimacies that would go along with a deep friendship.

So, are we friends? I guess so. Are we best friends? Probably not.
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Old 03-08-2016, 09:47 AM
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I've been a long time lurker and today this thread prompted me to finally register. Very recently I finally *FINALLY* ended an estrangement of several years with my exA. I can't tell you the immense relief I feel over not carrying around the burden of anger and resentment anymore and dare I say, it was actually good to see his face and smile. I sometimes forget that he did have many good qualities and was instrumental in helping me during a very dark period in my life.

To your original question- does this mean we are 'friends'? No, probably not, too much water over the bridge. And I've worked very hard on my own recovery to pedal backward... I'm also happily involved with someone else and I'm excited to see what the future holds at this point.

Thanks for posting this question!
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Old 03-08-2016, 10:26 AM
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Thank you everyone for the responses. STBXAH and I are still living together because we haven't nailed down the terms of our divorce yet. I have been focusing on me and he on himself. There's been no questioning him on if he's going to meetings or nagging him when he smokes weed. We are both very sad about the splitting up, but have managed to keep things cordial...i.e., he goes to the grocery store and asks me if I need anything, etc. So perhaps I could see us being friends in the future. But again, I need to just focus on today.
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Old 03-08-2016, 10:30 AM
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Oh I tried. We even took our kids to an outing together a few times after. Nope. I got divorced for a reason, and all those reasons came right back up after the divorce. Maybe someone else could, but not me. I do try to be amicable for our children, but in the end, he thinks he was wronged (oh please), so the narcissism rears it's ugly head.
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Old 03-08-2016, 10:36 AM
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jada....I think that only time will answer your question (with regard for you)......

Some can get to "friendship".....but, I think that the romantic aspects of the relationship has to die a natural death....this usually happens as the person moves on in their life......

If...if....after life moves on and the romantic attraction stuff has gone back to the soil......AND there is any respect and basic human caring left.....(sometimes there is and often there isn't).......there may be some basis for friendship---or, at least, some kind of civil acquaintanceship.......
That is good...especially if there are children from the relationship.....

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Old 03-08-2016, 01:08 PM
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Focus. Focus on today. More will be revealed and leave it to God, The Universe, Chance, Fate, or whatever you believe in. Focus on today.
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