firstymer

I have been sober for more than 2 years now. My wife still drinks. She is a "normie". She has a glass or two of wine after work. Maybe a third drink on the weekend. But that is all.

I am glad I quit drinking. I am an alcoholic. I needed to quit. And I think that my wife is glad I quit drinking too.

But occasionally I feel guilty. I don't think she has as much fun going out as she used to. I am less interested in going out to the bars with friends on weekends like we used to. I don't sit around and drink with her like I used to and do the things that tipsy people do.

Again, I am not regretting my decision to get sober. I don't think I am wavering in my resolve. But I kinda feel bad for her.

Anybody else feel that way? Is there anything we can do to make up for it?

ICanDoBetter

Have you talked to her about it? Asked how she is feeling about it all?

My husband and I have had some chats and in part how me quitting makes him feel guilty for drinking around me, Etc. he is a normie as well.

ccam1973

Firstymer, I'm a little further behind you at 20 months. My wife also still drinks; although she has cut way back.

As I am sure with you and your wife, it has been a huge adjustment for both of us since I stopped drinking. The beginning was extremely difficult for us since we had to re-define our relationship; drinking was what we did together.

Now, I am not even sure if she misses having me as a drinking partner. I know this for sure, she doesn't miss all of the unfounded arguments we used to get into, all of the wasted money, me being a complete dick to her for no reason other than I was consumed with my next drink... you get the picture.

For us, life is so much better now than what it was for the years and years I was drinking every day.

You're doing great, I am sure your wife is proud of you and appreciates all of your efforts to make a better path for your guys.

Keep up the good work!

aasharon90

Im sure there is something in the middle,
something mutual the 2 of you can do
and share together as husband and wife.

When one in the marriage enters recovery
and the other is "normal" the marriage becomes
off balance. That's why they have recovery
programs available to all members of the
family to help them learn how to communicate,
understand each other with kindness and
compassion.

During my 1st marriage, I was the only
one with an addiction and entered a recovery
program and our house was alcohol free.
However, our marriage suffered do to the
lack of understanding and communication.

I chose to live my life incorporating
a program of recovery in my life and
my husband went to al-anon a couple
time and picked up the word detachment.

We definitely became a married couple
living on 2 different planets because he
didn't understand my need for recovery
in my life and I didn't understand him.

We did remain married for 25yrs.
before we both went our separate ways
both remarrying.

Im happier, healthier more now
in my life than I ever have been
because my life in recovery is an
awesome gift that keeps on giving.

I hope you both find something mutual
that the 2 of you can enjoy, moments
you can treasure and experience for
years to come.

Dharma33

Hi, First-

Thanks so much for posting! Yes, I also feel the same way.

I feel badly sometimes....like he might be missing out because of my sobriety, and because we go out much less now. In addition though, I sometimes feel resentment toward his normalcy. Dangerous territory for me; that's why it's been on my mind lately.

Certainly I am committed to my sobriety, and our marriage is of course better with me sober. I hear you, though. What to do about it; I don't know yet either. Sorry I don't have anything to help, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone in this!

least

Can you guys arrange to do some fun activities together? Some things that don't involve drinking. Seeing a movie or going to a museum.

CAPTAINZING2000

Very good comments written here.
I've been sober long enough it doesn't bother me to be in a bar but why would I want to be in one? There are so many more fun filled activities a couple can do.

I take it you and your wife go to a bar with other couples? If that's the case, make suggestions to do other things.

The real problem I see with all this is, sooner or later the temptation to have just one gets to be overwhelming. I wouldn't want to go to an all you can eat buffet all the time if I was on a diet.

SoberLeigh

I agree with least; finding a new common interest would be fun. Dancing lessons? A craft class? A second language class?

Enjoy your sober time together!!!!

SoberLeigh

P.S. - congrats on two sober years, firstymer!!!!!

IvanMike

I kind of stopped at you have alcohol in the house, she drinks in front of you daily, and sometimes you go out to bars.

Dharma33

Ivan makes a point.

We don't keep alcohol in the house and my husband drinks infrequently. If he drank around me nightly I have to say that would be a huge problem. Even still, I understand what you are saying, First. The dynamic in the relationship is a big change.

mylifeismine

Do you really mean "I think my wife is glad I quit drinking"?
You really aren't sure, haven't talked about it?

dwtbd

First
I'm in practically the same boat and have had the same kinds of thoughts, but recently I've been wondering what it is I'd be making up for.
She has said she kind of misses the shared cocktail hour lounging on the patio, but never the find me on the floor in either the kitchen or the garage mornings. And she understands that the one always lead to the other for me. We are and have always been homebodies so our socializing hasn't changed much if any. So I guess just chiming in to say I hear you but not sure if it's a problem that needs fixing from 'our' side. I'm starting to see it more of a difference than a problem.

esoxlucius

My girlfriend is also a "normie" (great term btw) who drinks very little. I got sober just about when we started going out so she never saw me drink the way I used to and knows I'm much happier not drinking and all I have told her is that I liked it too much.

She is fine with me not drinking. When we go out I always drive so she can have her one or two glasses of wine. When we have friends over for dinner I don't drink and do all the cooking so she is happy there too! I did make it very clear that I had no problem with her drinking around me and she is not really into bars anyway so I am lucky in that regard.

Agree with the others. If you are feeling bad then find something for you both to do. We play golf ... badly ... but have a great laugh and no alcohol involved.

Soberwolf

Mrs sw don't drink and if I said something like that she'd get suspicious I have in the past said if you want to drink its fine but I stopped doing that not halfway through year 1

fantail

I think maybe the way to think about this is to think about what is missed in those times drinking together. This might not be it to you but for me it's silliness... being silly together and laughing a lot is one of the things that drinking does that cements friendships and relationships, and it's harder for me to get there sober.

I've found in the past that in romantic relationships I'm usually comfortable enough to be silly sober. I'm usually not in my friendships... that's been kind of hard. Especially as I'm in a new city and trying to make friends. I'm working on allowing myself to relax more and just laugh with people.

Maybe you and your wife can find activities that can take the place of drinking, that bring out whatever quality you miss? My ex and I would always do touristy things together, that was kind of like our drinking together. We'd just run around the city not taking ourselves seriously. Or playing sports together?

firstymer

Thanks for the helpful comments, everyone. My wife and I do have a lot of activities together. We play on the same hockey team. We both run. We travel.

And you are right. She IS glad I quit drinking. We have talked about it and she remembers all of the things about my drinking that made her life, well, let's just say difficult.

It's just that many of those drinking-related activities were only a problem for ME. For her, it was just plain old, harmless, relaxing fun. And now, because of my problem with alcohol, some of those fun activities are having to be replaced by her. She doesn't complain and, as I said, she seems happier now than she was when I was drinking. I just feel a little bad for her sometimes. That's all.

I think what this thread, and your comments, has taught me is that I should maybe work harder at finding things for us to do that might be as fun for her as the drinking was.

And maybe I shouldn't complain when she asks me to go clothes shopping with her....

Dharma33

It's just that many of those drinking-related activities were only a problem for ME. For her, it was just plain old, harmless, relaxing fun. And now, because of my problem with alcohol, some of those fun activities are having to be replaced by her. She doesn't complain and, as I said, she seems happier now than she was when I was drinking. I just feel a little bad for her sometimes. That's all.

Well said, First. I get it.

And, I think it is so great you play hockey on the same team!!! Congrats on 2 years sober, BTW.

KateAZ

As a woman....this is my FUN time! I love when my husband sucks it up and goes along with me, even if he's just sitting there holding my bags and telling me how pretty I look. You'll win BIG with this one, I promise you that!!

Shays Mum

It can be so hard sometimes when your partner is a social drinker and I hear you. I don't have a partner/husband and try at any lengths to stay away from pubs ( I might add that drinking was a solitary sport for me at the end ) but if I have to go, I find myself bored, restless and downright ****** after an hour or so, having said that an exit plan is good if its possible.