jalacola

Why do I deserve this? My husband, the A, went to rehab last month and was sober for 30 days. 15 days in rehab, 15 out. "Celebrated" his 30 days by drinking. Not a clue. Didn't drink again for probably a week, then drank again. He has drank more since then. Won't admit it though and gets mad that I think that. Hello!!! I have been married to a drunk for 6 1/2 years and I got one month of sobriety out of him. I KNOW the difference. He lies to me and I really think to himself, so that makes him believe that he's hiding it from me. The past two nights, he stayed at a hotel because he was so mad at me for thinking that he had been drinking the previous night. Translation: he wanted to be alone so that he could drink more. He wouldn't tell me where he was even staying--even took cash to pay for the room so I couldn't track him. I knew when he called and it was on caller id. However, he registered under a false name, so whenever I tried to call him, I felt like such a moron when they said that there was no one by his name there. Then, when he told me how to get ahold of him, he still refused to tell me what room he was in. I told him that I didn't want to come there, but if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't mind giving me the number. He was afraid I would walk in on him drinking. He is here tonight and just basically wants to sweep everything under the rug and not talk about it, which I agreed to by not arguing. He got mad at me b/c I have a school dance that I was supposed to help chaperone tonight and he "didn't feel good." He said that there was no way he could take care of our kids (3 months and 5 years). So, guess what? I am not at the dance. I am not about to put my anything before my kids, and since he is in a pissy mood (aka a hangover), I am worried that he wouldn't be the best person to be left in charge of the kids. He said that I "used" him so that I could go to the dance and that since he hadn't been home for 3 days, I should have wanted to spend time with him. I can't detach. I don't want this. He makes me miserable. Living with him makes me miserable. I am better off without him and I feel that our kids are better off without him. He got home from work today before I did and the first words out of his mouth were about the dog being out of food and water in her bowl. Hello again! She had it this morning! Anyway, then he goes on to tell me how filthy the house is and how he can't believe I didn't clean while he was gone. Nevermind that he doesn't lift even his pinky finger EVER to help me out. I was quick to point out to him that I was alone taking care of 2 children while he got to "escape" his problems, once again. I can't do anything. How in the h*ll am I supposed to "detach" and do my own thing when he won't even get off his a** to take care of our children for an HOUR for me to go and do what I agreed to do? I can't attend al-anon meetings for the same reason. Why do I need him in my life??? It's easier when he isn't here. I am HAPPIER when he isn't here. That's not to say that when he ups and leaves like he did I am happy, but happier than I am right now. When he was in rehab, I was the most peaceful and relaxed that I have been in our entire marriage. Even with two kids. When he came home, it was peaceful for a little while. We got along great and were actually happy for the first time in years. Until he drank again. Now I have all the same worries about him. My point is that I no longer see the purpose he serves in my life. It's easier when he isn't here, so why do I need him? I know that alot of you are or have been in my boat, so I am just curious as to why you think that this is better than to get a divorce and move on. I can't be any more miserable single than I am now.

2dayzmuse

(((jalacola)))

Sorry you're having to deal with this with your husband. I know how difficult it is.

Talia

givingup

Jalacola - Sounds to me like you are answering your own questions. And really, you are the only one who can. In time I have stopped asking those questions. Instead I have been focusing on me. Instead of thinking about him and the negative things he brings to my life, I have been concentrating on improving me. The interesting thing is that as I am learning to detach and take responsibility for my own life, my A has figured out that the games and lies no longer have a great affect on me. I don't ask about his sobriety. I don't call and check up on him. If he leaves, well then, what he does is his own business. He really doesn't know what to do about this. The usual tantrums, pouts, threats no longer work. While I don't think he has taken his last drink, I think he is really working on it - going to meetings, working his program. I hope for him (not me) that he can find peace in his own skin.

You are not alone. Even if you can't go to Al-anon, you have us at SR. Read the threads. Study the archives. Have faith. You are a remarkable woman. The answers will come.

Wanttobefree

Hi Jalacola,
I know the rage and pain you are feeling. You will get some good feedback on this board, so come often, it's helped me. I can only say everyone has their reasons for staying. Fear of the unknown, fear of raising children alone, fear of financial worries, fear, fear, fear. The hope that things will get better. Knowing the A is sorry the next morning or a few days later. A spark of rememberence of how things were at one time. 25 years of those feelings for me. Up down, up down and lots of high drama. We all have to figure this out for ourselves, which really sucks, but this is a good place to vent. Good luck and enjoy your precious little ones!

lilly54

Jalacola,
keep typing out your feelings here and read, read, read the threads, they have been the most helpful,theriputic (sp) help I have found anywhere.

Hang in there,,
Lilly

jalacola

I appreciate everyone's advice. I have another question, though. If I detach myself and "learn" to not care about him, what he does or doesn't do, etc., isn't that like living separately? I mean, why be in a marriage at all? And if I detach myself from him, I feel what will happen is that the love will dwindle to nothing. And then even if he does decide that sobriety is the way to go, I won't be in love anymore. I am just thinking...what kind of a marriage is it when you don't care about what each other does or says anymore? Which is basically what it would be if I detach myself, at least maybe eventually. In my attempts to detach, however short-lived they may be, I have only been able to pretend to not care, but deep down all of the questions that I want to ask him (are you planning on drinking tonight? can you please not drink tonight? are you going to call your sponsor? are you going to a meeting? why haven't you called your sponsor? why aren't you going to a meeting? etc.) just eat away at me. So, I don't really detach because I still can't stop obsessing about it. I feel that being with him, I can't help it. The only way I can help it will be to leave and let him go.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Jalacola.

The idea of "detaching with love" is not to detach from the person, but to detach from specific problem behaviors.. the drinking, the irresponsibility, etc... while still embracing the rest. Staying in a relationship with a problem personality is compromising. It's shrugging and saying "Oh well, I'll just live with this part because that part is good." If there's not enough good, it's not a good compromise. I am not married to Dino and no kids are involved, but I was a non-endurer. He left a breath before I would have thrown him out... or clubbed him. The bad stuff was so bad and so big that there just wasn't any good to focus on. Clearly there was no reason to hang onto that. He's clean now and we've always stayed friendly and we're sort of trying again. But he doesn't live here.

You are the only person who can decide what compromises are okay with you.

Hugs,
Smoke

givingup

I highly recommend a book called "Marriage on the Rocks". It talks about the reality of living with an alcoholic. Its no fairy tale. And you're right, its not the type of marriage that you might have dreamt about. Its up to you if what you get from your A in terms of support, companionship, mutual respect is enough to sustain the relationship. For me detachment has meant distance but that is a good thing. Will it lead to the end of love for my A? Possibly. The good news is that it has meant the start of my love for me.

The journey is just beginning....

Alexia

Another good book is "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. I learned a lot from that book, and started standing up for myself, what I wanted out of life, and what I would not tolerate from others, including the one I love.

Stay strong Jala, you can do it.