3:45 am

Old 03-06-2016, 11:22 AM
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3:45 am

I awoke this morning at 3:45am to my daughter opening my bedroom door. She was crying. I hadn't seen her in awhile. How did she get in? I had the locks changed months ago?
Her BF was downstairs passed out/sleeping on the couch. He had relapsed on Herion a few hours ago. She said she felt betrayed that he choose drugs over her. (She's been sober maybe 2 weeks?). Not again.....
I asked him why? He said he met up with a buddy and couldn't help himself. ( his DOC is meth so why he's into opiates confuses me). I asked if he was sober enough to get the hell out of my home, and he said yes and left.
So, I asked to see her arms (shi! I'm paranoid) yep fresh marks. So I asked to see her phone, just to see one text from him, earlier that night. I need proof! Were u using tonight? She refused to show me her phone. She said "I just need a hug from my mom."
I'm sorry to say but I said "I can't do this anymore... I said I could take her to a shelter or call the non emergency police and they can take her but after two solid years of listening to lies, having all my jewelry stolen, divorce, forged checks, needles in the house, all that MANIPULATION, boundaries crossed, not feeling safe in my OWN home (she doesn't live here anymore) plus I'm the biggest Codie on SR, I just said....leave.
She did, I felt guilty (wonder why?) and then the texts start, fowl, mean,
painful, spiteful, immature, that how I could be a mom and turn away her own flesh and blood? How I'm not a God fearing Christian, I don't deserve to go to church or to even call God my Lord and Savior. How God forgives and is loving, and I am NOT. Umm, ok.
It's now 630am, I turned my phone off and went to church, and cried, no mourned, the sharp knife pain in my heart of a short life. She is only 21 and he is 23.
Did I do right? For a Codie, that was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Turned her away, I let her go and I asked God to help her.
It's now 1pm. I turned my phone back on. I called MY mom, she comforted me and said don't respond to their texts, they are trying to turn this around and blame me (somehow) for their dreaded brain disease and all their problems.
I always said they were toxic for each other, they have no quality sobriety time and all the rehabs....two active using drug addicts equals sour milk.
The enabling stopped tonight, my support group and therapist will be proud, but for some odd reason, my gut feeling...isn't feeling good. Maybe I'm just exhausted and sick of this disease. Maybe I finally stood up to the "what ifs" and thought about and acted on taking care of me first. Yes I have learned many things on SR.
Sorry SR, my rants get long.....thanks for reading.
TF
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Old 03-06-2016, 11:24 AM
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What a nightmare...and how brave you were and are.

Sending you a giant hug.
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Old 03-06-2016, 12:46 PM
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i am so sorry this was brought into your home, again. and i am so proud of the strength i see in you doing the right thing for you - and for them. that is codie recovery in action. if my ras ever brings the nightmare back into our home i pray i can have such strength in doing what is right, not what is easy.....

sending love and warm, comforting hugs. (and figure out how they got in! to me protecting self has become first and foremost)
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Old 03-06-2016, 02:53 PM
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You did the right thing.
Sometimes to detach is the healthiest option for everyone.
Many people do not understand this simple truth.
It takes spiritual strength and maturity to act and not to react.
It is very disheartening that she is on this destructive path
and it may get worse before it can ever get better.
There are millions of Americans who never get recovery.
It is a terrible plague on humankind
for those tormented souls and their families,
but it is a choice.
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Old 03-06-2016, 03:25 PM
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TF you did right. and this is why it is right:

Originally Posted by Twofish View Post
I said "I can't do this anymore... I said I could take her to a shelter or call the non emergency police and they can take her but after two solid years of listening to lies, having all my jewelry stolen, divorce, forged checks, needles in the house, all that MANIPULATION, boundaries crossed, not feeling safe in my OWN home (she doesn't live here anymore) plus I'm the biggest Codie on SR, I just said....leave.
you gave her solid choices for help and reviewed how you got to this place. the hardest thing i've learned is that it is their choice - live that life or change.

you took a stand for you - you have chosen not to live that life with her...

you did right.
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Old 03-07-2016, 02:46 AM
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Twofish

Geez I'm sorry to hear this!! I recently came back across some e-mails that my stepson sent during his fun-filled crack days. Messages filled with blame, rage, foul language, and hatred directed at his Dad, at me, and anyone else in who got in the way of his using.

It is so typical of the addict, really. My stepson said he would "talk to the priest" about his father's behavior when the enabling stopped. I wish he had because I would love to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. Our parish priest is not naive, and he knows the score with my stepson. But, he prays for him and so do I. I will keep your daughter in my prayers, too.

Maybe just let your daughter know you love her when you can and believe that she is capable of running her own life--because she is.

Sending hugs!
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Old 03-07-2016, 05:23 PM
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You did great. Figure out how they got in and fix that! Do anything you can to make yourself feel safe and secure. How nice that you have your mom's support.

I believe you absolutely did the right thing. It's definitely not easy.

I am also working on detachment. I have a lot of respect for your strength!
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Old 03-09-2016, 05:41 AM
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What you did is very difficult. Thank you for sharing Two Fish.

Do indeed check into your security. How did they get in??
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Old 03-09-2016, 05:51 AM
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You did the right thing. Stay strong and give it to God.
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Old 03-09-2016, 10:18 AM
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The best thing a sponsor told me was that I was giving my daughter the dignity and respect to find her own way ~ that I was loving her enough to stop cheating her out of that growth opportunity ~ that I believed in her enough to allow her to make healthier choices for herself. As long as I kept stepping in, doing for her, I was basically saying she wasn't strong enough to do for herself & selling her short.

So I told my daughter I loved her & I knew she was strong enough, brave enough & never once did I want to steal her dignity by doing something that she was definitely able to do for herself -

Of course she didn't really love it, but today she is over 4 yrs sober, just completed her probation and is working on having her record expunged and will graduate with a degree in May. When she tells her story, she says me telling her that gave a little light that wow maybe she could find some dignity within herself to do something different.

See it wasn't me - it was just me stepping out of the way for her to see what she already had inside.

big pink hugs to you
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Old 03-13-2016, 11:03 AM
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You soooo did the right thing Twofish .... I'm proud of you.

I always am surprised, because when I bring up 'God' ... people laugh and sigh - but when they want what they want - THEY bring up God only to use it to manipulate and create more guilt.

I have a daughter who is not an addict nor drinker and she does this all the time. They installed the buttons and they know which ones they want to play to get what they want. Spoiled .. entitled ... irresponsible ... it's all really simple.

I understand how it feels to leave them to their own choices ... but no one said this parenting job was going to be easy

Wishing you strength.
Please change whatever it is that allowed them to get in.
And I hope you are not missing anything.
Giant hugs for you dear,
Joie
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Old 03-14-2016, 11:39 AM
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You are a shining example of your recovery! How difficult it is to say NO and let them go. TF, you are doing the right thing.
Hugs,
TT
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Old 03-15-2016, 02:04 AM
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I wish I could be as strong as you.
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Old 03-15-2016, 02:19 AM
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Hoping you have had peace, rest, and are in a better place since last week when they showed up unannounced in your home!

Kudos to you for gathering the strength to focus on moving on with your life, setting boundaries, and taking care of you.

Many hugs from one loving mom to another
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Old 03-15-2016, 03:47 AM
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I think you did the right thing too TwoFish

D
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Old 03-15-2016, 04:03 AM
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Are you the same Twofish whose children disrespected you at will, and who went running after them anyway? I can't believe it's the same woman. You sound so resolved and together.

Asking your daughter to leave might be turning point for her. I hope so. She possibly had your as a refuge of last resort, and without a fall-back maybe she'll decide it's up to her.

I know it's not a funny situation, but I had to smile at the God texts, coming from her!
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Old 03-18-2016, 07:28 PM
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Thank you everyone for all the positive support on this thread. I surly
needed and appreciated it.
It doesn't feel right that a momma has to ask her child to leave, the
guilt was overwhelming, but the heartache and the dreaded "not again"
won this round. Sometimes you just have to do what is right, safe and to
protect my son and myself. I don't feel I have to justify to my daughter
why I asked her to leave my home, especially when it's the same old
heartache, again and again. Like a broken record but instead it's a broken
brain. I am so sad yet hopeful she chooses sobriety.
And yes, I am the same momma who was beat up, via manipulation,
by my two daughters' addiction a few years ago, gosh,
it feels like it's been 20 yrs ago...
I'll never give up hope.
TF
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Old 03-19-2016, 03:05 AM
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Old 03-20-2016, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Twofish View Post
I'll never give up hope.
TF
I, too, will not give up hope (and will pray for my son and others who struggle). Wishing you peace and all that is good.
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Old 03-30-2016, 06:54 PM
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You are so strong. Good for you for what you did, as hard as it is. You absolutely did the right thing, even though is does tug at our mother heart strings. But you did more for her and for you by the choice you made.
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