Judging?
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Judging?
One of the things I think many of us as survivors of abuse struggle with is judging. People tell us we are being judgmental or bashing when we call a thing a thing and tell the truth. That's not judgmental, it's what we are called to do. I know for me, I was sick of living a lie....sick of living a scary crazy life with my ex. Sick and tired if being told for years it was my fault. And telling the truth has caused others that refuse to look at themselves, as I have done, to lash out. That's fine, that's on them. I've posted some not nice things here-not in any form to hurt anyone, but to tell the truth. And hopefully to help others traveling this road. Judging is not wrong!
Is judging a sin? | A Cry For Justice
Anyway, my thoughts on this matter. Y'all's thoughts?
Is judging a sin? | A Cry For Justice
Anyway, my thoughts on this matter. Y'all's thoughts?
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We're all called upon to make judgments every day about what is good for us and for the people we're responsible for. Scam artists (I'm talking right now about the professional kind who commit fraud) count on people to believe what they're told, rather than collecting additional information or educating themselves about what's true/likely and what's not.
I don't think the judgments themselves are what cause problems--it's what we DO with those judgments. Do we use it to force change in other people's lives where it really isn't our business? Do we use it to make ourselves feel (or appear) to be superior to others?
Of course, my whole career has depended on making judgments about other people. I've been paid to do it, and I performed a community service by making those judgments and using my discretion wisely (hopefully in the vast majority of cases).
I don't think the judgments themselves are what cause problems--it's what we DO with those judgments. Do we use it to force change in other people's lives where it really isn't our business? Do we use it to make ourselves feel (or appear) to be superior to others?
Of course, my whole career has depended on making judgments about other people. I've been paid to do it, and I performed a community service by making those judgments and using my discretion wisely (hopefully in the vast majority of cases).
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And that's fine. But it's one thing to "call a thing a thing" when it serves some purpose (working it through in your mind, protecting yourself and your children, engaging in a political debate), and another when it serves no purpose but to embarrass/belittle someone. I'm not suggesting you are doing that, I thought we were just talking in the abstract about the concept of being "judgmental."
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^ yep. I agree. I most definitely have not tried to belittle-I've had to process some pretty damn hard things....and have vented, processed and tried to move on. My heart has always been in the right place-doing what's right for me and my kids.
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ForOurGirls.....as with anything else....I think we are always called upon to examine our motives about any of our actions.
Self examination is a very private, internal process. The closer we come to self-understanding, the easier it becomes.....
Maybe, the problem is that word---"judgemental"----I think it, generally, has a very negative connotation....
But...don't we have to make judgements every day...some big, and many smaller ones.....
I have to decide what medicine to give a patient, what trash service is the best to take, whether to buy the brand name mayonnaise or not, whether my neighbor is being B****y or not, whether or not I want to be "close" friends with someone or just a civil acquaintance, etc.....
I am wondering if someone has called you judgemental and hurt your feelings....?
dandylion
Self examination is a very private, internal process. The closer we come to self-understanding, the easier it becomes.....
Maybe, the problem is that word---"judgemental"----I think it, generally, has a very negative connotation....
But...don't we have to make judgements every day...some big, and many smaller ones.....
I have to decide what medicine to give a patient, what trash service is the best to take, whether to buy the brand name mayonnaise or not, whether my neighbor is being B****y or not, whether or not I want to be "close" friends with someone or just a civil acquaintance, etc.....
I am wondering if someone has called you judgemental and hurt your feelings....?
dandylion
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From my personal experience, those who say "uoooh, do not judge, who are you to judge, etc, etc." tend to judge most. Living the abuse is one thing, then you find strength and courage to leave, and once you think it is over, nooooo . . . here come the community smarta**es, who even feel sorry for the abuser, as if i am the bad guy because the marriage failed.
You know, I am now like Santa, I have my naughy & nice list, and certain individuals had to go on the naughty side. The nosy ones, the arrogant ones, the sneakily nice ones. One good thing about the recovery is not only that we learn how to act in romantic relationships, but also how to act in general, what to tolerate, what not to tolerate. It basically changes your worldview.
And in order to put people on my lists, of course I have to judge. We all judge! It is common sense!
You know, I am now like Santa, I have my naughy & nice list, and certain individuals had to go on the naughty side. The nosy ones, the arrogant ones, the sneakily nice ones. One good thing about the recovery is not only that we learn how to act in romantic relationships, but also how to act in general, what to tolerate, what not to tolerate. It basically changes your worldview.
And in order to put people on my lists, of course I have to judge. We all judge! It is common sense!
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Dandy-the last couple years of my marriage I was called judgmental. I spoke out about quite a few things that really disturbed me and my ex told me I was judgmental about his family. I disagree. I would have said the same thing regardless of whether it was his family or a random neighbor down the street or a member of my family or anyone else. My ex told me a lot of things and then told me I use it agaibst him by judging. Not true. I made a judgment call for my kids. I am called to judge when it involves my kids!!!!
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"Judgmental" does carry negative connotations.
And, when you think about it, only people who are being judgmental, themselves, use the word.
Next time someone calls you that, just say, "I prefer to think of it as discerning."
Oh, and extend your pinky while you say it. It helps.
And, when you think about it, only people who are being judgmental, themselves, use the word.
Next time someone calls you that, just say, "I prefer to think of it as discerning."
Oh, and extend your pinky while you say it. It helps.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
And that's fine. But it's one thing to "call a thing a thing" when it serves some purpose (working it through in your mind, protecting yourself and your children, engaging in a political debate), and another when it serves no purpose but to embarrass/belittle someone.
and those judgements no matter what are just my opinion.
i can judge myself and say im an a**hole and someone can disagree and say im a flaming a**hole.
with the pinky thing.
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Interesting thoughts here Fourourgirls.
Mostly I try to save my judgementalism for myself . . . .hmmm . . . which changes it to boundaries and choices. i.e. given a person from an alcoholic, abusive home, who himself drinks and uses drugs, what kind of a relationship do I want with this person? My choice/judgement/boundary = stay away.
Mostly I try to save my judgementalism for myself . . . .hmmm . . . which changes it to boundaries and choices. i.e. given a person from an alcoholic, abusive home, who himself drinks and uses drugs, what kind of a relationship do I want with this person? My choice/judgement/boundary = stay away.
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^ yes!! Thank you for putting into words what I was trying to say 
if someone tells me that so and so molested someone, it's well within my judgment to say hell no....not ever going to be around that person and neither are my kids. If someone I know is abusuve towards his kids, I'm well within my rights and moral duty to call it what it is and be discerning ( thanks lex!) and say it's not on and that kids should not be around that person. I'm judging-and that's ok! Hell-I've judged myself enough-that's all I did for years....and was judged by everyone that thought I was just crazy that had no idea what was going on at home. I am my worst judge-I think Codie's and abuse survivors have this trait....and it keeps us stuck at times bc we are not to speak out and tell the truth. I judge myself and my actions before making a judgment call about anyone else.
if someone tells me that so and so molested someone, it's well within my judgment to say hell no....not ever going to be around that person and neither are my kids. If someone I know is abusuve towards his kids, I'm well within my rights and moral duty to call it what it is and be discerning ( thanks lex!) and say it's not on and that kids should not be around that person. I'm judging-and that's ok! Hell-I've judged myself enough-that's all I did for years....and was judged by everyone that thought I was just crazy that had no idea what was going on at home. I am my worst judge-I think Codie's and abuse survivors have this trait....and it keeps us stuck at times bc we are not to speak out and tell the truth. I judge myself and my actions before making a judgment call about anyone else.
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I love this thread bc I feel like I encounter being told Im "judging" only when I say something to a select few people in my life who prefer to be enabled or want approval for their enabling.
Case in point. Former best friend. The only manner in which she directly addressed the issue of her live in boyfriends anger and addiction issues would be to speak of some horrible act on his part, justify her staying with him and tell me she was grateful I was the kind of friend who would never judge.
Manipulative much?
It finally got to the point where when I did finally tell her I could not longer complicitly approve of the circumstances she was subjecting her kids to, I outright told her I was not judging but was calling a spade a spade and speaking to the fact the emperor was wearing no clothing so to speak and was done going along with the lie that her kids home life was safe, when it clearly was not.
As my thread last week attested to, clearly that did not go over well with her and I was told I was a judgemental ----- etc...
I think that setting boundaries with unhealthy others for our own sake make well "feel" like judging to them but feelings aren't necessarily facts and so the only person I think I need to worry about when it comes to assessing whether Im judging or not, is me.
I know when my comments are meant to be judgemental (and try not to have them be such) and when they are honest and healthy... Interestingly, to someone who doesn't want to hear the truth and prefers to live a lie, they're apt to hear anything other than what they want to hear, as "judgemental".
Thanks for this timely and important thread For our girls!
Case in point. Former best friend. The only manner in which she directly addressed the issue of her live in boyfriends anger and addiction issues would be to speak of some horrible act on his part, justify her staying with him and tell me she was grateful I was the kind of friend who would never judge.
Manipulative much?
It finally got to the point where when I did finally tell her I could not longer complicitly approve of the circumstances she was subjecting her kids to, I outright told her I was not judging but was calling a spade a spade and speaking to the fact the emperor was wearing no clothing so to speak and was done going along with the lie that her kids home life was safe, when it clearly was not.
As my thread last week attested to, clearly that did not go over well with her and I was told I was a judgemental ----- etc...
I think that setting boundaries with unhealthy others for our own sake make well "feel" like judging to them but feelings aren't necessarily facts and so the only person I think I need to worry about when it comes to assessing whether Im judging or not, is me.
I know when my comments are meant to be judgemental (and try not to have them be such) and when they are honest and healthy... Interestingly, to someone who doesn't want to hear the truth and prefers to live a lie, they're apt to hear anything other than what they want to hear, as "judgemental".
Thanks for this timely and important thread For our girls!
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^ yes!! Those that want to live a lie and don't wabt truth pointed out find things judgmental. Those types of people never do any deep introspection as to their feelings or if their actions are appropriate or just bat **** crazy. Usually it's the latter. Oh well. (That's not being judgmental either-it's calling a thing a thing!)
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I think by sheer exhaustion, I've managed to detach from other people and what they do and think. Most days I feel like my plate is totally full just trying to deal with my own stuff, I don't have time or energy to worry about what other people do or think -- about me or otherwise.
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Hey For
Judgement. Hmmm. I try not to judge. When my friends tell me things that concern me I try to keep my reaction to myself so as not to be judgemental. I may be thinking "oh, hell no!" In my head but for the most part I try to keep an even keel. I would never want anyone to be afraid of telling me something for fear that I would judge them.
For myself? My judgements are my truth. If I am not liking something that someone is doing to impact MY life then yes, I will call it out. If it involves me or my son I could care less if the person who is annoying me thinks whether I am judging them or not. If someone wants to judge me for being a b@@ch, so be it.
Judgement. Hmmm. I try not to judge. When my friends tell me things that concern me I try to keep my reaction to myself so as not to be judgemental. I may be thinking "oh, hell no!" In my head but for the most part I try to keep an even keel. I would never want anyone to be afraid of telling me something for fear that I would judge them.
For myself? My judgements are my truth. If I am not liking something that someone is doing to impact MY life then yes, I will call it out. If it involves me or my son I could care less if the person who is annoying me thinks whether I am judging them or not. If someone wants to judge me for being a b@@ch, so be it.
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"Judging" is a word that had become politically incorrect. Certainly when tied to stereotyping, racism, or bigotry Judging someone is wrong.
However, as Lexie so eloquently stated, Judging people and their actions is necessary. Judging doesn't have to be bad, and now its considered profane. Its ridiculous. We can equally Judge someone as being good, as we can being bad. Are we supposed to come to no conclusion about people and whom we let into our lives, or let go out of them?
However, as Lexie so eloquently stated, Judging people and their actions is necessary. Judging doesn't have to be bad, and now its considered profane. Its ridiculous. We can equally Judge someone as being good, as we can being bad. Are we supposed to come to no conclusion about people and whom we let into our lives, or let go out of them?
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