TimeForMe

Hi all - What is the difference between setting boundaries and making threats? For example, to me, saying "If you continue to speak disrespectfully to me, I am going to leave" is setting a boundary.

However, saying that to a certain someone has been responded to with "Are you threatening me?"

It sort of does sound like a threat (I fully intend to follow through with it so it's not an IDLE threat, if that makes a difference). So, how do you set a boundary without it sounding like a threat? Or is it bad that it's a threat?

Liveitwell

Alcoholics and narcs don't honor boundaries. Period. I enforced many boundaries with my ex. The last one was that if he was drunk and abusive I would call the police and have him removed. That wasn't a threat, it was a boundary for my peace and my children's peace abd safety. And I followed through. Just my thoughts!

LexieCat

"If you continue to speak disrespectfully to me, I am going to leave" is sort of vague, as boundaries go. It could be that you're giving someone fair warning that they are approaching your boundary, but you said it's a boundary you intend to enforce.

This isn't something you need to communicate, but do you have an internal sense of how MUCH disrespectful talk you will endure before you enforce that boundary? Because the response was, in itself, somewhat disrespectful.

And I'm not sure what you mean when you say you will "leave"--leave the relationship? Leave the room?

Get the boundary--the REAL boundary--clear in your own mind before you even consider communicating it to someone else. And you don't have to spell out details of that boundary, or announce that it has been crossed, you simply follow through on your INTERNAL boundary. Remember, you don't have to announce your boundaries to anyone. It's just that if you do, you should know, yourself, what it looks like.

Liveitwell

^ agreed. My boundaries were kind of vague too for a while. I told my ex while in marriage counseling my final boundary...I could not go on with the marriage if he was going to continue drinking and not work on his demons. Period. And he made his choice.

Needabreak

Well, if he DOES speak to you disrespectfully, will you really leave? And will your departure be permanent? Or just for a couple hours?

If you do not leave, or if you just come back a couple hours later, then he is right, your words are just an empty threat that he doesn't need to take seriously.

If you really do leave if he speaks disrespectfully to you, then why would you even care what he thinks?

I guess I would think about this in a different way. My boundary would be (and is): "I will not have people in my life who are disrespectful toward me. " I don't tell people this. I simply take steps to remove people who are disrespectful to me from my daily interactions. If it's a family member or a friend, I stop calling them and cut way back on taking their calls. If it's business contact, I delete them from my contact list. If I'm dating someone and it goes that way, I stop dating them. Sometimes there's an interim period where I have to disentangle myself, but believe me, when a relationship turns disrespectful I am out as soon as possible.

See the difference? I honestly don't care what the other person thinks. I make the boundary for me. Sometimes they get the message, and change the tone of their interactions with me and sometimes they don't.

DesertEyes

A threat is something said to another person in order to try and get them to change their behavior. Like threatening a child with a spanking. Except alchoholics are a lot like children and they respond to a threat by daring you to carry it out. Basically, threats are a good way to _train_ children, and alchoholics, to slowly increase their unacceptable behavior in response to increasing threats.

A threat is something that _might_ happen, maybe. If you decide to do it.

If I go to a poetry reading at the bookstore, and the author is throwing out a lot of cuss words, I get up and leave. I am ready to leave _before_ I walk in the bookstore, my car is parked outside, keys in my pocket, and a plan for where I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon. I do _not_ tell the poet to stop their foul language or I will leave, that would be a threat. I just leave and go find some other poet.

A boundary is the _result_ of a carefuly executed series of actions that places you on the doorstep of a safer, saner life. It is what you are going to do _anyway_ and there are no decisions left to be made.

Mike

dandylion

TimeForMe........one way that I have heard a boundry metaphorically described-----it is like being in a room with a door with the handle on the INSIDE.....
Only you control the handle....you can open it or close it as much as you want to keep....you control who, what, and how much you let into your space....


****Maybe, if you need a "go to" answer to the retort that you describe--"Are you threatening me?"----You might say: "It is My limit; it is my boundary".
Let him label it as whatever he will (he will, anyway...but that is his prerogative...not your responsibility to worry about or control)......

dandylion

TimeForMe

Thanks everyone. It didn't occur to me that my boundary statement was vague. Now that you've all brought it to my attention, I do see that.

To clarify, I was referring to leaving the room/house for a short time, not leaving forever, if it makes a difference.

How do we ever figure out how to have a healthy relationship with anyone? DO we ever figure that out?? Having grown up surrounded by dysfunction in the form of alcoholism and co-dependency, I don't know that I've ever had any close relationship that wouldn't be considered unhealthy in one way or another. Including the relationship with myself.

It's kind of disheartening.

LexieCat

Well, none of us gets it perfect all the time, that's for sure! I think most of us tolerate a certain amount of unpleasantness in our encounters with others, just because if we didn't, we wouldn't have relationships with ANYONE. Our boundaries don't have to be carved in stone and consistently applied in every situation. For instance, people are allowed to have bad days. Sometimes we accommodate that by allowing friends or family to be grouchy and snappish once in a while--or even longer, if they are going through something particularly difficult. OTOH, when someone has repeatedly treated us like doormats and are consistently unpleasant to be around, it's fine to reduce/eliminate most or all of our contact with that person.

If you're feeling resentful a lot of the time, it's a good idea to examine that. Sometimes it IS us, or at least something we are contributing to. Other times it's mostly them, and we can avoid having to deal with them.

Boundaries become easier with time and practice.

tomsteve

imo, yup, it does. when i was drinkin and my fiance would say something like that i knew shed be back and i wouldnt have to listen to her complain about my insane, selfish, selfish, cold hearted, alcoholic behavior while she was gone or when she would get home(at least for the rest of the day/night). i had no reason to look at myself, maybe think im the one screwed up.
even if she just left for a few days, i played the," im sorry. i was an ass. i promise it wont happen again" insane game.
she heard that so much eventually shed say," dam straight youre sorry."

Lilro

Well, I told my exabf " if you continue to drink, I'm not moving in and our relationship will be over". It was not a threat it was a promise. That was my boundry and that's that. At that point I couldn't care less if he turned my boundry into a threat. It was what it was and is what it is.
And here I am.

spadge

One thing I would point out is to make sure you tell them when they are sober - you can't reason with a drunk!!! xxx