Evienne

Namely, my narcissitic mother!

I know it's wrong to blame people for my problems, but they do spring from my upbringing where I was never accepted for who I was. She taught me to hate myself, and that I was only slightly good when I did everything like her.

I can't go no contact, wouldn't want to miss my dad, although he is her enabler, and my dearest, my pony, lives with them, that way they kind of guilt me into taking care of their ponies as well. They control my lifes savings which I am in dire need of since I will be evicted soon. This way they also control where I get to live, I'd rather leave this town and never look back but I can't afford to take my pony with me and she made me so insecure about myself that I don't even believe I will make it on my own.

She tears me down when I am happy, she makes me feel bad when I look pretty, she tells half-truths about me to family and friends where I always end up looking like the bad guy. This started way before I can even remember but alcohol sure helped me to live down to her expectations. When I confront her, I am too sensitive, I remember things wrong, anything to make me doubt myself even more. And I still can't stop craving her approval like a little girl.

Also my ex-boyfriend has been stalking me and I know I shouldn't pick up the phone or open the door but I can't seem to help it as he is troubled and I still care about him.

How do I let go?

Btw. Lucky 13th day, all is well, not too emotional and more productive every day.

strategery

Evienne-one of the things you can do for yourself, is to keep your distance from your mom, as well as your ex-boyfriend. Keep contact to a minimum, if at all. Those relationships are not healthy for you, and not good for helping maintain sobriety, or a positive self-image. By recognizing certain relationships in my life weren't healthy, it's helped me let some of them go.

Berrybean

Hi - I don't know if you have CoDa where you are, but I found their handbook very helpful to understanding my reactions to things, and how to grow past them. It might be worth a look

There were a lot of people and past hurts that I didn't think I would ever heal from, but with AA and CoDa combined I have managed to do just that. All without cutting anyone from my life. Actually I have a wonderful new closeness with some people which I would never imagined could happen.

Good luck

MidnightBlue

Evienne, I so feel for you.

And you are not alone in this.
There is nothing wrong with YOU about still craving approval from her - a child gets his initial world experience through parents and their love are essential to future mental well-being. But in warped worlds where toxic parents reign it's all about manipulation.

Accept that you crave her approval and then tell yourself that you don't need it any more. Doing something without it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad daughter. It makes you free. You will never get approval from a toxic parent - this rule is as solid as gravity.

They don't own your life - you do.

Toxic parents can make life a hell. Been there.

I understand it is very hurtful to part with your pony but sounds like you have to save yourself now.

Best wishes to you.

And keep up good sobriety job - it will help a lot to regain your freedom.

red3215

I think it's fine to blame the parents for many things. Not everything of course but they do, afterall, basically own us for the first two decades of our lives, and during the most formative years.
Sounds like you're on the right track pinning down where the dysfunction lies, and now making efforts to become independent. Hang in there

teatreeoil007

Stay sober and clear headed .. It will help you problem solve...

Evienne

I actually had a very enlightening talk with my mother the day I posted this. Made me see her as the broken woman she is, difference between us is she doesn't want to change. We talked a bit about both our childhoods, she got as close to admitting her responsibility in my problems as she will ever get, as seconds later she told me a blatant lie, again. So this makes it easier to stay close, but let go at the same time.

I bought a car, an oldtimer! She was very vocal about her disapproval and told me, your dad is gonna hate this! So I decided to get to my dad before she could talk to him and I saw his eyes light up, he loved it. So there, mommy dearest.

Also got myself a book to study, I was lucky to find this rare work on equine anatomy and she dismissed it immediately, again. Don't care, I'm gonna do this, take steps towards MY future, it's not hers to decide that I can't do what I love.

In an hour I'm gonna visit a realtor about a house that I like. Kind of nervous but maybe I got this! Looking better every day, not sweating scotch, how could they not like me? Ahem? Who am I kidding, but I have to at least try.

Thanks for your insights and letting me vent.

least

I hope the visit to the realtor goes well.

Soberwolf

Congrats Evienne