Liveitwell

Tomorrow would have been our ten year anniversary. I find myself very sad tonight. The kids are in bed and I find myself curled in a ball mourning the person I guess I never really knew. I find myself still questioning whether the good times were ever real. For me, they were.

I was cleaning out some documents today and found my exs alcohol assessment that he did over a year and a half ago before our divorce. One of the terms of our temp custody was that he get an evaluation. It made me cry buckets. I read his truth, or what he could tel at that time. That he started drinking at 13-14 years old and binging in college. (It was way before that, but whatever). That he started drinking every day after our first child was born. That the main cause of his marital problems were his drinking and that we were separated at the time but that he wabted to come home to his wife and kids. Y'all, damnit-you want to talk about pain? My heart aches. Was that person ever really there?! Or was all of it lies and smoke and mirrors and manipulation??? I think I've seen enough to know who he truly is now. God has shown me plenty, so I don't know why I even have tears left. I so want to hate him, but I dont. I just want him to get well. He thinks I've bashed him. Bashing, nope. I've told the truth about him, the good and the really ugly. I always just wanted him to get better. I did love that man with all of me. Every fiber and man we were good for a time. It still hurts sometimes and I don't think that will ever go away. I know he's a monster now-I'm not in denial. But a lot of me still holds out hope that he will get better and repent and make good on this one life God has given him.

I found myself wondering if he ever really loved me, as a person, or just that I was supposed to make him better-npd because I failed at that, I was ok to abuse.

I guess my heart stil hurts. Deep down, really hurts. Sometimes I wish I could go back and not marry him-sd I've written that here many times. But I don't think I would change that. He was my best friend and my partner, and I do miss the good - he made me smile like no other could-and laugh at his stupid jokes and quirks. I hope that it fades more each day.

Anyway, just sharing. Definitely triggered right now. Thanks for listening, y'all!

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

Liveitwell

^ thanks-hugs are good

Ariesagain

Have some more...

you did the right thing. It's just that sometimes the right thing really stinks to get through.

jobei

Sad Alcohol abuse has such a devastating ruinous path... it's just plain sad. Remembering the good times isn't the worst thing you can do...

Liveitwell

The right thing...the narrow road. Right and easy rarely go hand in hand. I know I did the right thing...I have two precious gifts from God that remind me of that fact every day God has been faithful and shown me exactly what I needed to see. Stil hurts sometimes and I know y'all understand. So thank you.

jobei

It's ok to hurt over this, it's a BIG deal and you've been through a lot. I am trying to teach myself that it's ok to feel down about things sometimes, a failure to do so is at the heart of my alcoholism. *Hug*

wanttobehealthy

I felt like that too on the day that would have been our 10 yr anniversary... and I feel a bit sad on xmas night each year (when he proposed)... There are moments like these, that we shared with our x's and despite knowing what jerks they became, we still share kids with them, we still meant it when WE vowed to marry them and be with them for life and so it makes sense to me that these moments would inevitably hurt.

They hurt us because we DO have hearts, we do care, we do feel, we did give our all... So of course the reminders of what addiction took from us do hurt.

I know this does not help at all, but please know, my friend that you are not alone...

Thinking of you...

Lilro

Oh For, I feel your pain and I'm sorry. Allow yourself to move through it. I know it's hard. I have often thought the same as you, was it all a lie? What I do know for sure is that on my end it was not. We also had soooo many good times, unfortunately I can't get there yet to remember those and smile without thinking about the bad. If ever in doubt that your relationship should never have been, take a look at those two gorgeous children. Without him they wouldn't be and if that was the only reason for him, well, it seems to me you have been blessed.
You loved For. You know the love you are capable of giving.
Big hug
Ro

Liveitwell

@jobei-that's why I drank and got drunk-to forget and not feel. God did it make everything worse. It made me worse and brought out the worst in me. But i just kept drinking! Sober almost four years. It's my choice every day for me and my kids.

Bekindalways

Ah forourgirls, I so wish I could say something to fix this kind of pain because it can be so excruciating. Grieving just sucks and goes on waaaaaay to long.

Courage, strength and healing to you!

jobei

Well you're doing great, don't forget to give yourself some credit, you deserve it.

jada1981

Hugs to you, fourourgirls. I feel your pain.