bluelily

So it finally hit me my Abf cares about his alcohol more than he cares about me when I expressed my concern about what drinking was doing to his health two weeks ago. As I wrote in a previous thread, he became furious and told me never ever to be concerned about him again nor to cry in his presence.

I haven´t seen him since, I went on a vacation with my kids a few days later and I just didn´t feel like seeing him again or even speak to him. It was a lovely trip in the great outdoors, which I always enjoy very much, and I had such a great time it was a radical change from all the chaos with my bf. Also, we spend some time with nice friends and they were so healthy and "normal" that I was surprised at how peaceful and pleasant life can be without having to deal with an alcoholic.

Now that I´m back in town he contacted me to see me (acting as if absolutely nothing had happened) and I´ve been avoiding him with some lame excuses. I´m sure he´s pissed off by this and will confront me sometime soon. So now I´m wondering what I should do. It is stressing me out because I really want to get out of all the drama but I´m sure all hell will break loose if I tell him I don´t want to be with him. Or maybe not, and he will find some other way to make me feel bad - he´s an expert manipulator.

I´ve been rehearsing responses in my head in case he calls me again, mainly along the line of "I was really shocked with the way you treated me last time we got together, I don´t know how I feel about that yet and need some time alone." I think that would be the most neutral thing to say, but I´ve been reading on this forum about the projecting alcoholics do and am a bit afraid he wouldn´t let me go so easily.

I´m feeling very insecure, as if all aspects of normal life and human interactions have been arbitrarily altered and I don´t know what to expect.

What have been your experiences in these matters, what is the best strategy?

wanttobehealthy

Given my debacle of weekend of trying to explain to an addict why I could not deal with her behavior anymore (her addiction is to her addict boyfriend), it seems ironic for me to suggest this but I would simply say NOTHING to him or the bare minimum rather than try and explain yourself and your reasons.

If you know what you want to do for you and your kids, I would simply do that. And you don't owe your bf any explanation in my estimation.

If I had this past weekend to do over again I would have simply stopped talking to this one time "friend" of mine and made the choice to contact those I needed to so as to keep her kids safe and left my communication with her to nothing at all.

I think that when you get into interactions and explanations with addicts, all that is likely to happen is that you will get sucked into their defensiveness and be manipulated, insulted, harassed...

That's been my experience both with my xAH and this "friend" of mine...

I say that the less said, the better that is for you and your own well deserved peace.

Yoga

If you can, just walk away.

No explanation necessary.

Liveitwell

^ agreed. All he will do is try to sick you back in to his delusional little world. Go on with your life.

AnvilheadII

so you are PROJECTING what you think he MIGHT be thinking, and what he MIGHT do......maybe.

he is not contacting you right now? right? then just carry on....if he calls, or texts, or sends a letter, you do NOT have to reply. or answer. or you just say - I don't want to do this anymore, it's been great, and i wish you the best. CLICK. you don't have to EXPLAIN your decision - we can breakup with anyone when it no longer works for us.

quit worrying about how HE may react, or if this will cause him to relapse. RAIN is enough reason for an alcoholic to relapse! or a losing hand of poker. Tuesday. No clean socks. Bad commute.

Liveitwell

^ the biggest cause of relapse is the word NO...coming from anyone...but yes, any reason will apply. Bad day? Get drunk. Wife pissed bc I'm drunk? Get drunk again. Kids crying? Get drunk. Kids birthday party? Get drunk. Sky is blue? Get drunk. And it goes on and on until they find recovery or die. Period. Your life isn't this....so stop worrying your pretty little head about what you may or may not do IF he does something. A simple no thanks suffices.

bluelily

Well, actually there can´t be any relapse since he never even attempts to stop drinking...

I was thinking of what would be best for my own mental health and just walking away sounds fine. In fact it´s what I´m inclined to do but then I get all these doubts about being decent and fair to him. I start wondering if it wouldn´t be mean not to give any explanation.

Also, I´ve been wondering if I should inform his family of his alcoholism and overall problems (he hides this from them and has told me over and over not to tell them he lost his job), if that´s the right thing to do. Though of course it could give rise to all kinds of negative reactions towards me.

suki44883

Nothing you do will cause him to drink. Nothing you don't do will cause him to drink. His family probably already knows his problem with alcohol, and even if you told them the extent of it, it wouldn't change anything. They can't do or not do anything to keep him from drinking, either.

Take care of yourself.

Bekindalways

Bluelily, I applaud you for wanting to be decent and fair however in this situation the least said is absolutely the best.; Something along the lines of, "This is not working for me. Best of luck to you.". And perhaps block avenues of communication with him. Be as decent and fair to yourself as you possibly can be.

Many, many sober alcoholics say the best thing people around them did was to leave.

NYCDoglvr

You say goodbye and don't look back. It's not about him, it's about YOU! His reaction is none of your business (it took me a while to learn this lesson).

Thumpalumpacus

You need to be fair and decent to yourself and your children too, and every communication you have with him while he's a working alcoholic endangers your family's well-being. Don't answer his calls or texts, and if he shows up at your doorstep tell him to leave.

You don't owe him anything after his treatment of you.

I say this as an alcoholic new to recovery who destroyed a loving relationship with my dishonesty and thoughtlessness and selfishness.

dandylion

No...you are not being mean! He is under the control of a disease that doesn't give one twit about your welfare.....

dandylion

theuncertainty

IMO, that may be too neutral. No where in that statement are the words 'it's over.' I know, sometimes people hear the "I need time" as a break up even if that's not what was really intended (think Ross and Rachel on Friends), but AXH would take this and come back a short time later and say something along the lines of, "OK, I gave you time," and still expect things to go 'back to normal.' Do you think your ABF would understand and accept that as a break up?

Or are you afraid of how he'll react if you were to make it clear it's a break up?

minime13

I think acknowedging the ending with him is the right thing to do, but you don't owe him an explanation. He knows, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

I agree that less is more here. The more you say, the more chances you give for him to talk you out of it.

LexieCat

I think leaving the door open even a crack (e.g., "I need time") is a mistake. And there is zero point in explaining WHY you are breaking up. He will argue, deny, and/or promise.

People break up all the time for all KINDS of reasons. A simple statement along the lines of, "I've given it a lot of thought and I don't see that we have a future together. It's time for both of us to move on. Good luck and take care of yourself," would seem to be sufficient. Kind, succinct, but final.

Seren

Hi bluelily,

I am sorry you are going through this kind of turmoil. My stepson has a tendency to cause this kind of turmoil in people's lives.

Speaking as the family, I would not get involved in talking to them. If someone came to me to tell me that my stepson was having a problem with alcohol and had lost his job, I would be able to tell them several stories that they did NOT know about yet. I suspect that his family actually has an inkling about what is happening with this young man, but they may be in denial. Ultimately, I can also tell you that the family knowing about the extent of his drinking is not really going to change his behavior. Sadly, for those of us who love someone who is addicted, we can only encourage change and wait and watch.

Please take good care!

Thomas45

Bluelily,

You aren't required to justify your feelings to him.

If you want to break up with him, you tell him "I'm breaking up with you" and leave it at that. Close the door and walk away. You aren't obligated to explain anything or reason with him, your feelings are your own and if your feelings are telling you that things aren't right, then you don't have to give him the opportunity to tell you otherwise.

Hawkeye13

I agree with others--you don't owe him any explanation.
Just say it isn't working out and wish him luck.

Very wise choice, by the way.
It sounds like he is really on a downward spiral and doesn't want to stop.

healthyagain

So sorry bluelily about your situation, but from what I understand, you two are not living together. I also sense that you are afraid of his reaction. When we are afraid of other people like this, there was some kind of manipulation, control, and abuse going on, which makes us have this creepy feeling.

So, you can stop returning phone calls, make yourself less available, give yourself space. It is great that you are not living together. If you want to break up, even a text message will do.

atalose

It's time to be decent and fair to yourself!!!!!

Be firm, be quick and be gone...............

Your FEAR of what if's is keeping you hostage to this person. The plans running through your head are all about "feelings" his and yours when it should be thoughts on how you will maintain your boundary of ending this relationship.

You need to state that it's not working for you and it's over, good bye, then block his #..........

As it was mentioned above - don't leave an opening because they will take it ever time and if you are on shaky ground with fear and worry for sure he will suck you right back in.

Start thinking along the lines of blocking his # and not opening the door if he happens to show up at your home but instead calling the police about an unwelcomed visitor at your door.

Your ACTIONS not your words will make all the difference on how this will go.