Advice on how to help my boyfriend
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: OH
Posts: 1
Advice on how to help my boyfriend
Hello everyone, I am here to share what I am going through and hopefully receive some advice. About four months ago I started dating a wonderful man named James. I've fallen in love with him, and we've had some incredible times together. He is smart and funny and confident, and he has a very promising career and a wide variety of interesting hobbies and a wonderful family.
James is also dependent on alcohol. I don't really know whether he would be classified as an alcoholic. He drank a LOT in college, which I think is the root of that dependence. Since he graduated two years ago he told me he drinks on a regular basis - 3-5 days a week. He gets drunk about every other week.
Last month, the day after the third time I went over to his house only to find him completely drunk, James told me he has a problem with alcohol, and he needed to deal with it. I think he thought that he could just quit cold turkey; he enrolled himself in a three-day program at the Salvation Army, and came back telling me that he has a problem, but it is manageable and he didn't believe he needed to give up alcohol completely; just moderate his use.
Then, two weeks later, I got a call from the police at 12:30am; James had been drinking and driving, and his blood alcohol level was four times the legal limit. Driving to the station to pick him up was one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life, and the next morning when I saw him, the extreme guilt and shame he felt about what happened took my breath away.
After that happened, I think it was a slap in the face to him that he has a real problem. I don't think he realized yet how deeply receiving that phone call hurt me, but he was 100% committed to getting better. Since then, he has attended AA meetings 3-5 days a week, and he has enrolled in an intensive 8-week outpatient substance abuse program which will start in April. He is doing everything he can to conquer his addiction.
Since he was arrested three weeks ago, James has had two drinks. Both times, he acted strangely toward me and I knew why right away, so he confessed when I asked him about it. I think at this point, he feels tremendous shame and embarrassment. He is far, far harder on himself than I am on him; to the point that I would say it is unhealthy.
I am sharing all of this to ask advice. This is all new to me; I grew up in a home that was completely alcohol-free and I drink only rarely. I have never been drunk. So I don't really understand how hard this is for James. I want to support him as best I can, but I know that this is something he needs to do for himself, and it starts with building a sense of self-worth and believing that he deserves to be free of this stronghold.
I am in completely foreign territory here, and I love James deeply. I believe we can have a happy and bright future, but I don't know what the next step toward achieving that future should be. I don't want to enable him by being a constant source of positive reinforcement, which is my default way of supporting my loved ones, but I also don't want to withdraw completely because I know he truly is doing everything in his power to get better. Any advice on what my role should be in this process would be incredibly helpful.
James is also dependent on alcohol. I don't really know whether he would be classified as an alcoholic. He drank a LOT in college, which I think is the root of that dependence. Since he graduated two years ago he told me he drinks on a regular basis - 3-5 days a week. He gets drunk about every other week.
Last month, the day after the third time I went over to his house only to find him completely drunk, James told me he has a problem with alcohol, and he needed to deal with it. I think he thought that he could just quit cold turkey; he enrolled himself in a three-day program at the Salvation Army, and came back telling me that he has a problem, but it is manageable and he didn't believe he needed to give up alcohol completely; just moderate his use.
Then, two weeks later, I got a call from the police at 12:30am; James had been drinking and driving, and his blood alcohol level was four times the legal limit. Driving to the station to pick him up was one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life, and the next morning when I saw him, the extreme guilt and shame he felt about what happened took my breath away.
After that happened, I think it was a slap in the face to him that he has a real problem. I don't think he realized yet how deeply receiving that phone call hurt me, but he was 100% committed to getting better. Since then, he has attended AA meetings 3-5 days a week, and he has enrolled in an intensive 8-week outpatient substance abuse program which will start in April. He is doing everything he can to conquer his addiction.
Since he was arrested three weeks ago, James has had two drinks. Both times, he acted strangely toward me and I knew why right away, so he confessed when I asked him about it. I think at this point, he feels tremendous shame and embarrassment. He is far, far harder on himself than I am on him; to the point that I would say it is unhealthy.
I am sharing all of this to ask advice. This is all new to me; I grew up in a home that was completely alcohol-free and I drink only rarely. I have never been drunk. So I don't really understand how hard this is for James. I want to support him as best I can, but I know that this is something he needs to do for himself, and it starts with building a sense of self-worth and believing that he deserves to be free of this stronghold.
I am in completely foreign territory here, and I love James deeply. I believe we can have a happy and bright future, but I don't know what the next step toward achieving that future should be. I don't want to enable him by being a constant source of positive reinforcement, which is my default way of supporting my loved ones, but I also don't want to withdraw completely because I know he truly is doing everything in his power to get better. Any advice on what my role should be in this process would be incredibly helpful.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Welcome Tldcleary and also I am sorry for what brings you here. I hope you find this site a place of wonderful support. Most/all of us have been in relationships with addicts so there is a lot of wisdom as well as a wide spectrum of experience.
The best thing you can do is to educate yourself. The stickies at the top of this forum is a good place to start. You might also check out an Alanon meeting although these meetings don't work for everyone. Also as you are in early days with your alcoholic boyfriend, you might find others experiences very different from your own. Get whatever you can out of the information. I wish you the best as you travel this challenging journey.
The best thing you can do is to educate yourself. The stickies at the top of this forum is a good place to start. You might also check out an Alanon meeting although these meetings don't work for everyone. Also as you are in early days with your alcoholic boyfriend, you might find others experiences very different from your own. Get whatever you can out of the information. I wish you the best as you travel this challenging journey.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
He cannot "moderate" his drinking and must quit completely.
I tried to moderate for years--there is a point of no return and clearly he's passed it.
Until he accepts that, he will continue to relapse.
If he does accept that he needs to live his life alcohol-free from now on,
he can move forward and really recover.
I agree you need to read around the site and educate yourself on alcoholism.
As much as you want to help him, you really can't--this is his journey and
you will not be able to take it for him.
He must choose sobriety and be willing to do the work to have it.
For what it's worth, I am so much happier now as a non-drinker
and my marriage and sense of peace is huge improved compared to when I drank,
but my husband or my family couldn't control my decision to stop.
I had to own it and take the steps to make it stick.
Hugs--I imagine this is pretty scary for you.
I tried to moderate for years--there is a point of no return and clearly he's passed it.
Until he accepts that, he will continue to relapse.
If he does accept that he needs to live his life alcohol-free from now on,
he can move forward and really recover.
I agree you need to read around the site and educate yourself on alcoholism.
As much as you want to help him, you really can't--this is his journey and
you will not be able to take it for him.
He must choose sobriety and be willing to do the work to have it.
For what it's worth, I am so much happier now as a non-drinker
and my marriage and sense of peace is huge improved compared to when I drank,
but my husband or my family couldn't control my decision to stop.
I had to own it and take the steps to make it stick.
Hugs--I imagine this is pretty scary for you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He's only had two drinks that you KNOW about. I'm not trying to be the voice of doom and gloom here, but I'd be willing to bet those aren't the only two he's had.
It is pretty common for people to keep trying to drink for a while even after they realize they have a "problem" with alcohol. I did it for four years. My alcoholism kept progressing all that time. So while it's good that he recognizes the problem (which some people won't admit at all), he's far from accepting that he can't drink again. And without that acceptance, and making it your number one priority, alcoholics WILL drink. Like the GEICO commercial says, "It's what you DO."
However much you love him, do NOT make any wedding plans (or, god forbid) get pregnant right now. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics--one has been sober over 36 years and the other went back to drinking after a near-death alcohol-related experience. I'm seven years sober, myself. Long term sobriety requires a major shift in lifestyle and outlook on life.
Good advice above. Educate yourself about alcoholism. It doesn't go away. Even if his alcoholism first manifested in his college drinking, it's not a matter of just getting it under control. The only control is not drinking AT ALL.
I can't diagnose him, but the fact that he's continuing to drink after the DUI (and four times the legal limit is a LOT of alcohol in the bloodstream) suggests that alcohol has assumed a role of high importance in his life.
I also second the suggestion of Al-Anon for you. It will help you keep the focus on yourself and off him and his recovery.
My best advice is to keep your eyes wide open and trust what you observe, not what you want to believe.
It is pretty common for people to keep trying to drink for a while even after they realize they have a "problem" with alcohol. I did it for four years. My alcoholism kept progressing all that time. So while it's good that he recognizes the problem (which some people won't admit at all), he's far from accepting that he can't drink again. And without that acceptance, and making it your number one priority, alcoholics WILL drink. Like the GEICO commercial says, "It's what you DO."
However much you love him, do NOT make any wedding plans (or, god forbid) get pregnant right now. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics--one has been sober over 36 years and the other went back to drinking after a near-death alcohol-related experience. I'm seven years sober, myself. Long term sobriety requires a major shift in lifestyle and outlook on life.
Good advice above. Educate yourself about alcoholism. It doesn't go away. Even if his alcoholism first manifested in his college drinking, it's not a matter of just getting it under control. The only control is not drinking AT ALL.
I can't diagnose him, but the fact that he's continuing to drink after the DUI (and four times the legal limit is a LOT of alcohol in the bloodstream) suggests that alcohol has assumed a role of high importance in his life.
I also second the suggestion of Al-Anon for you. It will help you keep the focus on yourself and off him and his recovery.
My best advice is to keep your eyes wide open and trust what you observe, not what you want to believe.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, tldcleary. Glad you found your way here. This from Lexie
really says it all. I think everyone here has resisted seeing the truth of their situation as long as possible; you are certainly not alone in this!
As others have said, it would be good if you could read around the forum as much as you possibly can. I'm sure you'll find stories that resonate w/you as well as information you'll find useful. Alanon has been a big help for me too--some people find a "perfect fit" at their first meeting, others have to attend several different ones to find one where they feel at home.
Keep reading, keep posting and above all, keep coming back--it takes time to process it all and even more time to learn, change and grow.
My best advice is to keep your eyes wide open and trust what you observe, not what you want to believe.
As others have said, it would be good if you could read around the forum as much as you possibly can. I'm sure you'll find stories that resonate w/you as well as information you'll find useful. Alanon has been a big help for me too--some people find a "perfect fit" at their first meeting, others have to attend several different ones to find one where they feel at home.
Keep reading, keep posting and above all, keep coming back--it takes time to process it all and even more time to learn, change and grow.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. You've received some good advice already. I would really really urge you to read the "Classic Reading" posted and read as much as you can about addiction. You will then understand how irrational an alcoholic's thinking is. Remorsefulness after a drinking episode is very normal for an alcoholic to display, but please remember...actions are all that matters. If he is drinking still after his DUI, then he has not truly accepted that he as a problem. If he ever gets another DUI or pulled over, I would recommend you NOT pick him up or assist him in any way. Keep posting here and yes, go to al-anon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think when you are only 4 months into dating someone and already feel madly in love – that’s a big red flag.
At four months into dating you are already envisioning a happily ever after life with this person…..that’s a big red flag.
Then add that the person you are now madly in love with is an alcoholic – that’s a big red flag.
You have fallen fast and hard in love with an active alcoholic, you have no idea who the sober person even is. The sober person is someone he’s not even comfortable with being, so how can you know you’ll even like the sober him.
Best advice would be to be cautious with your life and heart. Learn about yourself, analyze yourself on why you fell so fast and hard for this guy in only 4 months and why these big flashing red flags are not making you stop, step back and realizing it’s not a healthy relationship for either one of you.
At four months into dating you are already envisioning a happily ever after life with this person…..that’s a big red flag.
Then add that the person you are now madly in love with is an alcoholic – that’s a big red flag.
You have fallen fast and hard in love with an active alcoholic, you have no idea who the sober person even is. The sober person is someone he’s not even comfortable with being, so how can you know you’ll even like the sober him.
Best advice would be to be cautious with your life and heart. Learn about yourself, analyze yourself on why you fell so fast and hard for this guy in only 4 months and why these big flashing red flags are not making you stop, step back and realizing it’s not a healthy relationship for either one of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
atalose beat me to it and said it better than i ever could. please read that post a few times.....and try to do so with an open mind.
i don't believe it is possible to truly LOVE someone DEEPLY after four months while still DATING. not under the best of circumstances. you don't KNOW him.....if you add up the number of actual HOURS you've spent in his presence it probably doesn't equal that of a part time job - you stated last month was only the third time you'd been to his house and at that time he was drunk off his ass.
not only does he have his alcoholism to deal with - and still drinking ANY means he is not fully DEALING with it - he now has legal issues hanging over his head from the DUI. when we are dating we are supposed to be showing our very best selves...........he has instead shown you something darker.
you don't have a ROLE in his recovery.....HE does. HE needs to stop drinking completely, HE needs to continue with AA, he needs to follow thru with OutPatient, which doesn't start for another month. IF he is sincere about this, he will need to give it his FULL attention and distractions such as new g/fs can really clutter things up. and he may not be successful.........i'd suggest you slow things WAY down, and take the "future" out of the equation. stay in today, and just observe.
i don't believe it is possible to truly LOVE someone DEEPLY after four months while still DATING. not under the best of circumstances. you don't KNOW him.....if you add up the number of actual HOURS you've spent in his presence it probably doesn't equal that of a part time job - you stated last month was only the third time you'd been to his house and at that time he was drunk off his ass.
not only does he have his alcoholism to deal with - and still drinking ANY means he is not fully DEALING with it - he now has legal issues hanging over his head from the DUI. when we are dating we are supposed to be showing our very best selves...........he has instead shown you something darker.
you don't have a ROLE in his recovery.....HE does. HE needs to stop drinking completely, HE needs to continue with AA, he needs to follow thru with OutPatient, which doesn't start for another month. IF he is sincere about this, he will need to give it his FULL attention and distractions such as new g/fs can really clutter things up. and he may not be successful.........i'd suggest you slow things WAY down, and take the "future" out of the equation. stay in today, and just observe.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
My advice is more succinct:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Uf_rTLqj0o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Uf_rTLqj0o
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
"Since James got arrested he has had two drinks", should read admitted to two. I am really sorry you are going through this, but honestly the best thing you could do for yourself and possibly him is to step back. Let him deal with this.........or not. You have to realize that the odds are against him and that it is all up to him. There is really nothing you can do to help him other than let him deal with it himself...........or not.
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