How to detach?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ruidoso, NM
Posts: 9
How to detach?
I keep reading about detaching, but am not sure exactly what it means. I mean how do I detach and not be a raving crazy lady, lol, when I go home tonight knowing he is already drunk? I think I am detaching, by staying busy, trying not to argue, going in the other room ALOT, and basically ignoring him. He says all this does is make it worse. Is this detaching or just ignoring the problem? Any tips on detaching and learning how to take care of myself would be great. I have been trying to "fix" him for 13 years and feel like I have lost myself. Where do I begin on finding out who I am, what I like, how to take care of me. I am a true codie, so this is going to be hard for me to do. Thanks everyone!! 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
theoncelers - welcome - i can't answer as i am trying to achieve this myself - some of the wiser fols on this board will give you info shortly, i'm sure. have you tried al-anon? i am in the same boat - we need to fix ourselves!
hugs & support to you - cwohio
hugs & support to you - cwohio
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 66
Hi, First you won't be able to "fix" him. He needs to "fix" himself. You will have to start doing things for yourself. I found myself constantly 'chasing' him down trying to catch him. Needless to say, I don't have the time or the energy anymore. I have to devote that time and energy to myself and my children. You need to decide for yourself what your ultimate goal is - with or without him. It has taken me a couple of years and I decided I and my children need to be happy. Good luck. You are taking the right steps to detach yourself from him!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Here's some of my ideas for attachment..think about what you would do if he were not there? Maybe you wouldn't go home...maybe you'd go see a friend, go shopping, go workout. Maybe you'd work in the garden outside? I don't know...I'm new to this too and I started out just completely ignoring him, but then I realized I was trying to punish him. so, I just started NOT thinking about him at all and just thinking...what do I want to be doing right now? And I realized that I was busy and happy...and things just didn't seem so bad. I was on this board alot, and talked on the phone alot. You'll get it... it comes with time. It took me time too. But, the results have been amazing for both me personally and our relationship!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Detachment comes from learning to take care of ourself and making our life better. Getting involved in new activities and healthy friendships can help. Exploring our own way of thinking, and learning new ways to look at our life is another. There are books, support groups and counselling that can help. It takes time and practice. It's not ignoring the problem, because that would suggest that there was something we were neglecting to do. Since there is nothing we can do about someone else's thoughts, decisions or actions, we learn how to stop feeling responsible for them. I have found Al-Anon very effective to help me to improve my life, and let others be responsible for theirs. Glad you joined us. Hugs, Magic
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Peaches and Magic - these are great. I especially struggle with the difference of detaching versus abandoning. But you both point out that detaching is about the "I" ness that has been ignored by me. I found this and wanted to add to Peaches recommendation of thinking of things that I like to do...
*****************************
Learn to say I am
We hear a lot about becoming whole. Become a complete human being. Start on the pathway to becoming whole You won't find romantic love until you know you're complete. Frankly, these kinds of comments often confused me. But then I decided that wholeness relates directly to the process of detaching -- letting go.
It's admirable to go after our dreams and know what we want to accomplish. But after we identify what it is we're after, we need to let it go. We need to know in our hearts and souls that we're okay whether we ever get what we're after or not.
Another friend described it this way, "It's the old Zen Buddhist thing," he said. "When you're one with yourself, life becomes magical. You can get whatever you want."
The most powerful and magical words we can say in the language of letting go are these: I am.
Then we step it up one notch by learning to say, I am complete just as I am.
God, help me know the power of the words I am
*****************************
Learn to say I am
We hear a lot about becoming whole. Become a complete human being. Start on the pathway to becoming whole You won't find romantic love until you know you're complete. Frankly, these kinds of comments often confused me. But then I decided that wholeness relates directly to the process of detaching -- letting go.
It's admirable to go after our dreams and know what we want to accomplish. But after we identify what it is we're after, we need to let it go. We need to know in our hearts and souls that we're okay whether we ever get what we're after or not.
Another friend described it this way, "It's the old Zen Buddhist thing," he said. "When you're one with yourself, life becomes magical. You can get whatever you want."
The most powerful and magical words we can say in the language of letting go are these: I am.
Then we step it up one notch by learning to say, I am complete just as I am.
God, help me know the power of the words I am
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by Petunia
It's admirable to go after our dreams and know what we want to accomplish. But after we identify what it is we're after, we need to let it go. We need to know in our hearts and souls that we're okay whether we ever get what we're after or not.
Another friend described it this way, "It's the old Zen Buddhist thing," he said. "When you're one with yourself, life becomes magical. You can get whatever you want."
The most powerful and magical words we can say in the language of letting go are these: I am.
Then we step it up one notch by learning to say, I am complete just as I am.
God, help me know the power of the words I am
Another friend described it this way, "It's the old Zen Buddhist thing," he said. "When you're one with yourself, life becomes magical. You can get whatever you want."
The most powerful and magical words we can say in the language of letting go are these: I am.
Then we step it up one notch by learning to say, I am complete just as I am.
God, help me know the power of the words I am
Hugs,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4
Detaching Is Hard because...
If you are still hopeful about the relationship...detaching is hard. Often I hear the excuse that my detaching or moping has made it worse but I find it gives me a sense of knowing that there is "nothing" wrong with me... that my values that support sobriety and a better more healthy way of living are supported by detaching and "getting a life" If i find myself dwelling on his addiction I feel like such a failure. Of course he is going to say it makles it worse because your detaching says, "This is not for me... this conduct is not normal" and he doesn't want to hear that from you so your failure to detach and staying involved in his "life" is just another way for him to continue lying to himself. Read this article posted by Morning Glory here is the thread where it can be found
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ead-17514.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ead-17514.html
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I had a very hard time with detachment as well. It's confusing - especially when I'd hear that phrase "detach with love". Well, my idea of detaching was definately not loving - it was more of avoidance, denial, ignoring him, etc.
Then one day I ran across a poem online. I printed that poem out and I read it so many times. I have since had to print it out again to remind myself when I feel myself slipping back into my old ways.
So maybe it will help you as well.
You can find it here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=33960
Then one day I ran across a poem online. I printed that poem out and I read it so many times. I have since had to print it out again to remind myself when I feel myself slipping back into my old ways.
So maybe it will help you as well.
You can find it here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=33960
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Petunia,
That is it. It took me a long time to understand. We hang on to our relationships so tight, we actually squeeze all the good out of them. Even a hurricane can be beautiful and has a purpose. If you are in it (which was the case for some of us) it is hard to see that beauty or purpose. Detachment isn't about leaving, though sometimes relationships end whether we leave or not. Detachment is taking a metaphorical step back from the hurricane, so that we don't get slammed by it. It is also holding the puppy gently instead of squeezing it so hard we break it's kneck.
I was an "all or nothing" kind of person. Stay or leave. Good or bad. Your fault or mine. I have learned a lot about balance through recovery. I have learned that if I take a step back I can see the big picture sometimes. Even when I can't "see" the big picture, I know that there is one, and that my mind just can't get around it at the time. I only though choices were black and white. But there are rainbows of choices that I didn't even know about.
I had to take that leap. I had to pry my fingers off of the thing that I was dying to hold on too. This helped me a lot: http://www.ticz.com/homes/users/bob/...e/The-Rope.htm I was crying when I read this. It was very powerful for me.
Hugs, Magic
That is it. It took me a long time to understand. We hang on to our relationships so tight, we actually squeeze all the good out of them. Even a hurricane can be beautiful and has a purpose. If you are in it (which was the case for some of us) it is hard to see that beauty or purpose. Detachment isn't about leaving, though sometimes relationships end whether we leave or not. Detachment is taking a metaphorical step back from the hurricane, so that we don't get slammed by it. It is also holding the puppy gently instead of squeezing it so hard we break it's kneck.
I was an "all or nothing" kind of person. Stay or leave. Good or bad. Your fault or mine. I have learned a lot about balance through recovery. I have learned that if I take a step back I can see the big picture sometimes. Even when I can't "see" the big picture, I know that there is one, and that my mind just can't get around it at the time. I only though choices were black and white. But there are rainbows of choices that I didn't even know about.
I had to take that leap. I had to pry my fingers off of the thing that I was dying to hold on too. This helped me a lot: http://www.ticz.com/homes/users/bob/...e/The-Rope.htm I was crying when I read this. It was very powerful for me.
Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
detaching was terrifying for me
I had the hardest time with detaching because it was a challenge to my own denial. I didn't want to face some of the realities of our relationship.
Detaching meant living my own life, and letting him live his.
Stop controlling him? Stop holding threats over his head (particularly money) if he didn't come home from the bar and do stuff with me and my daughter? Give him freedom?
Well, I knew if I did that, his would be at the bar or a drinking party while I would be doing something with my daughter. I knew giving him that choice would mean doing everything on my own. He'd stop home to shower and change.
I'd be lonely and miss him. He'd be having more fun without me than he ever did with me.
I'd be paying the bills and handling the hard stuff and he'd have a great lifestyle beyond what he could provide himself on his own. What would I be getting in return? What did he bring to the table?
The answer would have been very little. I was getting his companionship and 'love' and affection. But only when I controlled him to be there to provide it - constantly. That was MY addiction.
OK, I keep analyzing, painful as it is, and I know that believing he would choose not to be with me unless I went to the bar with him means simply acknowledging he does not want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. He wants what being in a relationship provides, nicer home and lifestyle, all domestic work done, and sex on demand.
So for me, facing detachment meant facing letting go of the only thing I was with this man for -- his constant attention.
Ouch.
Detaching meant living my own life, and letting him live his.
Stop controlling him? Stop holding threats over his head (particularly money) if he didn't come home from the bar and do stuff with me and my daughter? Give him freedom?
Well, I knew if I did that, his would be at the bar or a drinking party while I would be doing something with my daughter. I knew giving him that choice would mean doing everything on my own. He'd stop home to shower and change.
I'd be lonely and miss him. He'd be having more fun without me than he ever did with me.
I'd be paying the bills and handling the hard stuff and he'd have a great lifestyle beyond what he could provide himself on his own. What would I be getting in return? What did he bring to the table?
The answer would have been very little. I was getting his companionship and 'love' and affection. But only when I controlled him to be there to provide it - constantly. That was MY addiction.
OK, I keep analyzing, painful as it is, and I know that believing he would choose not to be with me unless I went to the bar with him means simply acknowledging he does not want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. He wants what being in a relationship provides, nicer home and lifestyle, all domestic work done, and sex on demand.
So for me, facing detachment meant facing letting go of the only thing I was with this man for -- his constant attention.
Ouch.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
HI guys! I can totally relate to JessieandMe - that was totally my 'subconcious' thought too...If I didn't make it hard on him, it would get worse. Then I realized one day that this wasn't working. And when I say one day - I mean about 2 weeks ago 
Anyway, I jumped into this detachment thing, have fumbled a few times, but finally got to it! And the most amazing things have happened! I was able to stand back and see what shrew I had become! We had one fight one day, and I realized I had handled it very poorly, so I called and apologized! I felt so much better and not guilty after that. The next day we talked about it - and you know what .. he actually got teary eyed and explained to me that, that was the first time I had ever apologized to him - EVER. How awful a person I had become...granted, I was 'forced' to because of the drinking, until I knew better. So, I forgive myself and have moved forward because I see that now. Things have been so much better around here, for all of us - because I finally let go. Now, he WANTS to be here - and I know that - and don't feel like I have FORCED him to be here. I don't feel guilty inside, like he is forced into this misery with me... even though it was brought on by him. I know it sounds crazy - but, I felt that way - like i was keeping him from happiness, but at the same time - knowing he was causing me misery. And for whatever reason - not sure why detachment works this way - but, I've noticed that now - I care so much less when he is gone - I'm much happier with my children and I truly focus and pay attention to them... my head is much less filled with 'noise'. I know I'm going on and on - but, I'm just so amazed at what peace 'detachment' has brought me!
Anyway, I jumped into this detachment thing, have fumbled a few times, but finally got to it! And the most amazing things have happened! I was able to stand back and see what shrew I had become! We had one fight one day, and I realized I had handled it very poorly, so I called and apologized! I felt so much better and not guilty after that. The next day we talked about it - and you know what .. he actually got teary eyed and explained to me that, that was the first time I had ever apologized to him - EVER. How awful a person I had become...granted, I was 'forced' to because of the drinking, until I knew better. So, I forgive myself and have moved forward because I see that now. Things have been so much better around here, for all of us - because I finally let go. Now, he WANTS to be here - and I know that - and don't feel like I have FORCED him to be here. I don't feel guilty inside, like he is forced into this misery with me... even though it was brought on by him. I know it sounds crazy - but, I felt that way - like i was keeping him from happiness, but at the same time - knowing he was causing me misery. And for whatever reason - not sure why detachment works this way - but, I've noticed that now - I care so much less when he is gone - I'm much happier with my children and I truly focus and pay attention to them... my head is much less filled with 'noise'. I know I'm going on and on - but, I'm just so amazed at what peace 'detachment' has brought me!
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