slowlyevolving

Needing to therapeutically vent...

I think that I am feeling years and years of suppressed anger this week. I'm in the long, long process of divorcing an active alcoholic who is in no way truly interested in recovery, but is really excellent at manipulating the system just enough to skate by.

He's been through an alcohol eval that determined he addicted to alcohol and likely benzos, has been court ordered to breathalyzers and etg tests. And what feels like it should just be a black and white issue of testing has produced all sorts of gray area...missed tests, equipment malfunction, etc. He has manipulated the people at the testing site into writing an email that made 2 missed tests appear to be due to equipment malfunction. We cleared that up, and the tests that he blew after that showed alcohol in his system, just under the amount needed to be a positive test - .012, .009.

Due to some failed tests, I have had the kids all month, with no financial support from him. He claims we are broke, but is clearly withholding some money. Lawyers are on the finances this month, so hopefully it will be cleared up, but it doesn't help when trying to feed our kids and myself. He's being super shady and selfish. When I went to pick up the kids stuff at our house (that he is living in now), I saw a new bike helmet $100, $300 receipt for a window washer, and $200 for a house cleaner. All presumable paid through his business account (how is that even legal?). That unleashed the anger. Throw in the wine decanter on the kitchen counter and call me pissed.

Because he hasn't had the kids all month and this past weekend he was out of town (which should have been his first weekend to have the kids back), we had decided that he would have the kids this weekend instead. Then I get an email that he would rather just have them through Friday, because he is having friends over on Saturday and "really needs their smiling faces in his life right now". Really? What about his kids smiling faces. He's such a disappointment.

I feel like I am finally seeing clearly the extent that he has manipulated me and taken advantage of my empathy and desire to be amicable. I feel abused and angry and right now have no desire to work through the anger. I'm hoping it will fuel me to get through the rest of this divorce process. 10 more weeks! (and then a lifetime of co-parenting with an addict - yippee!)

I usually try to be positive and compassionate and not overly complaint, but really, really needed to vent that out. Thanks for listening.

dandylion

slowlyevolving.....remember that if you offer your hand...they will take the arm......

dandylion

honeypig

I hear you, slowly evolving! It took a long, long time for me to see the full extent of what went on over the nearly 20 years of our marriage. Actually, I strongly suspect there is still much I don't know, and will never know.

I took a long time to work thru things w/him, making pretty much every possible stop along the way, giving him so many chances, and each and every time I found out I'd been had again.

My perception of "good" behavior became so twisted--"well, yes, he stole from our retirement accounts, lied right in my face about drinking and even smoking cigarettes, but gosh, at least when I was finally ready to divorce him, he let me keep the house (that was mine when we started out)!" We don't realize what insanity we live in until we start to be OUT of it.

You're right, anger can be a powerful motivator, so USE IT! Wishing you strength and clarity, evolving.

Berrybean

I can see why you're pissed, but just try to remember who that anger is likely to hurt if you let it stay with you too long and try to find the place of inner peace that you deserve and will let you continue to be the bright positive light in your children's lives.

I suppose on the bright side, you know you're doing the right thing divorcing him! Silly man.