husband has a substance abuse addiction
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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husband has a substance abuse addiction
My husband has a substance abuse addiction that we've been fighting for years and I'm so tired of this fight. However, we are Christians and I'm just not sure what to do, I've been praying, but have not received an answer. I want to help him, but he does not try to help his self. I'm enabling him (even thou I try not to). I'm just so confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Hello confused2016,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through...addiction runs in my family like a thread that binds the generations. The sad truth is that an addict really has to want sobriety for him/herself in order for it to really work. I'm sure there will be others along soon to provide you with more insight. Also, you might want to check out the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum. There are, sadly, many people here who know exactly what you are going through.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I do know how sad this can be, and I'm so sorry you are going through this
I'm so sorry for what you are going through...addiction runs in my family like a thread that binds the generations. The sad truth is that an addict really has to want sobriety for him/herself in order for it to really work. I'm sure there will be others along soon to provide you with more insight. Also, you might want to check out the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum. There are, sadly, many people here who know exactly what you are going through.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I do know how sad this can be, and I'm so sorry you are going through this
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hello Confused,
Welcome to SR. I'm sounds like you've been fighting addiction in your marriage for years? It wears you out.
Addiction is the first action breaking your marriage vows. Marriage vows are not a contract in martyrdom.
Would your pastor be a useful resource to talk about the history of addiction in your marriage and your need for spiritual support?
Take care!
Welcome to SR. I'm sounds like you've been fighting addiction in your marriage for years? It wears you out.
Addiction is the first action breaking your marriage vows. Marriage vows are not a contract in martyrdom.
Would your pastor be a useful resource to talk about the history of addiction in your marriage and your need for spiritual support?
Take care!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's tough to fight a battle that isn't yours to fight.
perhaps the "answer" to your prayer had been given, you just don't want to recognize it?
I want to help him, but he does not try to help his self
perhaps the "answer" to your prayer had been given, you just don't want to recognize it?
I want to help him, but he does not try to help his self
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Thank you all for your words and it so very hard to live in and watch. I just don't know what to do, I love him so much! It's hard watching what he puts hisself thru and us. I keep it a secret, actually this is the 1st place I've even talked about it. It's bad where he is, in 3 days I know he's taken 165 pills and I don't know what to do or even how to help. I love him, hate the addiction. Sometimes it's so hard to love thru the worry, anger and so much more.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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It is horrible to watch someone you love be so self-destructive! I've been furious, frustrated, worried, anxious, scared over my family members more times than I can count. Learning to detach from the addict behavior is hard, but absolutely possible. It takes time and practice.
Have you looked into the Christian-based program called Celebrate Recovery? It is for family members and addicts. Face-to-face support can be so important!
Have you looked into the Christian-based program called Celebrate Recovery? It is for family members and addicts. Face-to-face support can be so important!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted by Seren 
It is horrible to watch someone you love be so self-destructive! I've been furious, frustrated, worried, anxious, scared over my family members more times than I can count. Learning to detach from the addict behavior is hard, but absolutely possible. It takes time and practice.
Have you looked into the Christian-based program called Celebrate Recovery? It is for family members and addicts. Face-to-face support can be so important!
Have you looked into the Christian-based program called Celebrate Recovery? It is for family members and addicts. Face-to-face support can be so important!
Yes, he and I both were going for a while and really hadn't gotten the best out of it, with keeping all the drug use a secret because we didn't want to ruin his reputation in the church. He is deceitful about his use and I've been playing the good little wife and playing my part. No one has a clue, not even our sponsors.
I finally made an appt with a Christian thearpist and go for the first this coming Monday. I haven't even told him I'm going, bc I know it will be a fight. Have to protect the image.
I'm so worried about ah, honestly I was afraid he would od or have seizures with taking so many these last few days that I've not been sleeping for keeping an eye on him. This addiction really has consumed my life and I feel like I'm drowning. I've become this person that I can not stand.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I am so happy to hear that you will be meeting with a therapist. I hope that you find it to be a good fit for you!
It sounds to me as though he is using 'his reputation' argument as a way to control and manipulate you into doing what he wants, and I'm so sorry to hear it.
As Christians, we come to realize that our 'reputation' is not as important as our real actions. Christ was reviled, hated, and crucified by angry crowds, and yet he was God on Earth. Please know that getting help for yourself has nothing to do with 'damaging your husband's reputation'. If you were gossiping about him around the water cooler at work, then perhaps we could talk, but you deserve this help. Your reaching out for help is not intended to harm him or his reputation. If he is angry about it, then it speaks to the kind of person he is, not you.
I hope that the appointment goes well and that you will let us know it went!
It sounds to me as though he is using 'his reputation' argument as a way to control and manipulate you into doing what he wants, and I'm so sorry to hear it.
As Christians, we come to realize that our 'reputation' is not as important as our real actions. Christ was reviled, hated, and crucified by angry crowds, and yet he was God on Earth. Please know that getting help for yourself has nothing to do with 'damaging your husband's reputation'. If you were gossiping about him around the water cooler at work, then perhaps we could talk, but you deserve this help. Your reaching out for help is not intended to harm him or his reputation. If he is angry about it, then it speaks to the kind of person he is, not you.
I hope that the appointment goes well and that you will let us know it went!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
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Welcome to FFSA
I can share part of my story ....
I married forever.
I didn't plan to be divorced, no matter what.
It was my duty to remain completely faithful in good times and in bad.
There is a lot than can be managed, while helping someone 'see' the light but there is supposed to be some help coming from the person who also promised to love us and respect us.
I spent 21 years being belittled. Hurt. Threatened, choked, strangled, raped, bear hugged until nearly passing out, knees shoved into my chest until I could not take a breath in, criticized, called names, making sure that I always knew that he could kill me at any moment. Drinking 3-6 days a week, until drunk.
I exposed my daughters to this !!!! My greatest regret.
I thought I was the good Catholic. I thought I was making heaven proud of me. I took my vows very seriously.
I would go to confession and hope for some sign from God. I asked for guidance to know what was right for me to do.
Little did I know, he had already shown me. I was the one who chose to ignore it. Our relationship was broken from all of the abuse. It was broken from his not even being home most nights to be a part of the 'family'. He was abusing his daughters by abusing their mother.
God did not say, turn the other cheek so that we could ruin our children or ourselves. He told us to turn the other cheek when someone spoke ill of us or wounded us with their deeds. We were given children to protect. To teach and show them how to survive in this world. How to treat others. How will they learn if THIS is what we show them ?
I finally, determined to find my answers, went to two priests and a nun. Each of them said the same thing ... 'God didn't sanction a relationship that was based upon selfishness. He didn't expect us to suffer with someone who abuses us' .. it just doesn't work that way.
And then the judge .. who finally told me that this was the last time I was coming to court for an order of protection and not follow thru on it ! He said what I needed to hear to push me along. I'm grateful. I spent 5 years going thru a divorce that my ex didn't want but finally, it was happened. I bought the house out from under him, without settlement monies ! It was the greatest accomplishment given hard work and determination. For a woman that my ex-husband said was 'worthless'.
My life has been amazing. Thru the bad and the good but not having to sleep in fear every day, not listening to someone tell you each day that you are trash. Showing my girls the strength that we need to have to follow thru on what is good for 'us'. I had my marriage annulled. And I have been free for 14 years. I wish I had done it so much sooner. There was no way that I was ever going to molly coddle him again.
At our darkest hour, we will never be alone. Have faith in all that you are.
Hugs to you,
Joie
I can share part of my story ....
I married forever.
I didn't plan to be divorced, no matter what.
It was my duty to remain completely faithful in good times and in bad.
There is a lot than can be managed, while helping someone 'see' the light but there is supposed to be some help coming from the person who also promised to love us and respect us.
I spent 21 years being belittled. Hurt. Threatened, choked, strangled, raped, bear hugged until nearly passing out, knees shoved into my chest until I could not take a breath in, criticized, called names, making sure that I always knew that he could kill me at any moment. Drinking 3-6 days a week, until drunk.
I exposed my daughters to this !!!! My greatest regret.
I thought I was the good Catholic. I thought I was making heaven proud of me. I took my vows very seriously.
I would go to confession and hope for some sign from God. I asked for guidance to know what was right for me to do.
Little did I know, he had already shown me. I was the one who chose to ignore it. Our relationship was broken from all of the abuse. It was broken from his not even being home most nights to be a part of the 'family'. He was abusing his daughters by abusing their mother.
God did not say, turn the other cheek so that we could ruin our children or ourselves. He told us to turn the other cheek when someone spoke ill of us or wounded us with their deeds. We were given children to protect. To teach and show them how to survive in this world. How to treat others. How will they learn if THIS is what we show them ?
I finally, determined to find my answers, went to two priests and a nun. Each of them said the same thing ... 'God didn't sanction a relationship that was based upon selfishness. He didn't expect us to suffer with someone who abuses us' .. it just doesn't work that way.
And then the judge .. who finally told me that this was the last time I was coming to court for an order of protection and not follow thru on it ! He said what I needed to hear to push me along. I'm grateful. I spent 5 years going thru a divorce that my ex didn't want but finally, it was happened. I bought the house out from under him, without settlement monies ! It was the greatest accomplishment given hard work and determination. For a woman that my ex-husband said was 'worthless'.
My life has been amazing. Thru the bad and the good but not having to sleep in fear every day, not listening to someone tell you each day that you are trash. Showing my girls the strength that we need to have to follow thru on what is good for 'us'. I had my marriage annulled. And I have been free for 14 years. I wish I had done it so much sooner. There was no way that I was ever going to molly coddle him again.
At our darkest hour, we will never be alone. Have faith in all that you are.
Hugs to you,
Joie
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 2
I too am married to an addict. For years I begged and pleaded. Christian counsellors. Counsellors for me and my young kids. I am a Christian and begged God to help. I've been raising twins with no love, support, and selfishness because of his addiction. Counsellors told me he's not going to change. Get out because it's worse on the kids. I have so much anger, hate, and resentment. After 11 years of this I finally got him to leave. He put us in financial ruin and I kept begging God. He finally went to rehab and all they thought him was he's more important than fixing the damage he's done. He asks me to be patient and I want so bad to file for divorce. I keep struggling with my anger and my prayer times with God on what to do. The many many things he's done to me and my young kids and I'm torn. How can I get better when he still can't have responsibilities nor life skills because of his desire to just focus on staying clean? I can't forgive no matter how hard I try. My kids are struggling and it just feels wrong being in a room with him because I can't seem to heal and he just thinks I need to stop being angry. He says this disease needs time to get right. How long do I wait while I am still stuck in the same place while he worries only about him and I'm just suppose to continue this? I'm so torn inside and my kids my poor kids.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Tired,
If having Mr. Newly Sober return home like a second-coming has you stroking out, then just say no. A big part of codependent recovery is speaking your truth and making boundaries of self-protection from people who used and abused you for too long. They get upset when they lose their stable enabler, so get ready. They like to point out that we put up with them for X thousands of days, so what gives now. Well YOU come first now.
If having Mr. Newly Sober return home like a second-coming has you stroking out, then just say no. A big part of codependent recovery is speaking your truth and making boundaries of self-protection from people who used and abused you for too long. They get upset when they lose their stable enabler, so get ready. They like to point out that we put up with them for X thousands of days, so what gives now. Well YOU come first now.
Last edited by CodeJob; 03-13-2016 at 12:17 PM. Reason: Sp
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Tired
I'm doing exactly the same thing. I have really got to make my mind up on what I need to do. My ah's addiction really is hard on our oldest. I've lived this lie for so long, how could I now come out. I've asked my ah to leave, but he won't. Truthfully I'm afraid if he does it will truly be the end if our marriage, but of course it is rocky now. When he doesn't have pills, he can be a great husband and father. I'm so torn! Praying for you!
I'm doing exactly the same thing. I have really got to make my mind up on what I need to do. My ah's addiction really is hard on our oldest. I've lived this lie for so long, how could I now come out. I've asked my ah to leave, but he won't. Truthfully I'm afraid if he does it will truly be the end if our marriage, but of course it is rocky now. When he doesn't have pills, he can be a great husband and father. I'm so torn! Praying for you!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
God doesn't expect you to suffer in this manner. Your first obligation is to your faith and your children. Their wellbeing is most important. I too had glimpses of the guy that I married, who had a drinking problem but was a decent man. Not always very kind but took care of what he should at those moments. I divorced him after many years of abuse and police and escalating violence. Codependency is my 'addiction'. Always searching for the broken who need help. It's an illness and I have a responsibility to myself and those who care about me - to work on it every moment of every day. I got out of his way and let him choose how he wanted to live his life. It saved me and my daughters so many years of continued drama.
Wishing you peace as you make your decision. Blessings to you. I will keep you in my daily prayers.
Hugs,
Joie
Wishing you peace as you make your decision. Blessings to you. I will keep you in my daily prayers.
Hugs,
Joie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Well I've started sticking to some things that I say and I'm talking to a professional, which ah does not like. I guess you can say I'm playing this game and not sure what the outcome will be. AH sees I'm trying to get some help and that I'm sticking to it and not being talked out of it. I guess we will see what happens and where the cards fall. This definitely is not easy. I pray I figure it out soon. I am starting to feel a little better by doing what I say I'm going to and just by talking and reading on here really helps, I've hidden this for so long.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: sw, pa
Posts: 81
During my AH active addiction I felt like we were all drowning... Myself, my AH, and my two babies.. I was treading water holding everyone and thing above my head. My breaking point was when I couldn't keep all of us above water any longer without allowing us all to drown. I had to let him go and let him sink or swim. Once I did that- very soon he found his way into a mental institution and then into a rehab. It is exhausting trying to stay afloat with an anchor tied to your foot. HUGS
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I stopped hiding the addiction. It was not my secret to keep. The truth of the situation set me free to react in new ways.
Excuses Alcoholics Make
Excuses Alcoholics Make
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Hello, I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
I did attend Celebrate Recovery, I actually moved into leadership for quite a long time. I can only say that for myself, there was a level of true freedom when I stopped covering for my Xhusband. I had enabled and made excuses for so long, one day I gathered the strength to tell him that I could not do that anymore, that I needed support, and that covering for him was only hurting me even more.
Yes, he got mad. However, it opened up a whole new support system for ME. The point of CR or of any recovery program should be to get support, not feel shame for what brings you there.
Many hugs to you.
I did attend Celebrate Recovery, I actually moved into leadership for quite a long time. I can only say that for myself, there was a level of true freedom when I stopped covering for my Xhusband. I had enabled and made excuses for so long, one day I gathered the strength to tell him that I could not do that anymore, that I needed support, and that covering for him was only hurting me even more.
Yes, he got mad. However, it opened up a whole new support system for ME. The point of CR or of any recovery program should be to get support, not feel shame for what brings you there.
Many hugs to you.
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