Split up with Alcholic Boyfriend - Lost and Heartbroken
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6
Split up with Alcholic Boyfriend - Lost and Heartbroken
Hes been drinking since his early 20s. Hes 27 now. I met him two years ago and he was in a state. Drinking big bottles of cheap cider everyday from morning until he passed out.
In the two years we've been together has been a rollercoaster. In the last year, hes had sober periods for a few months at at time before he convinces himself he can control it and It only takes a few weeks to fall back into 10 cans of 8.5% beer a day. Ive done my best to support him. Its been very hard but sober, hes a wonderful person and certainly worth waiting for.
The reason why im writing this is to see if anyone can give me the advice or view point from someone whos already been or going through it so I can better understand for my own sanity.
Hes been drinking for the last month but I can tell he feels guilty as hes overly affectionate and offers to buy me anything when he goes out to the booze shop. Yesterday, everything was fine. Until...I rolled my eyes and said how silly something was on Facebook (Just someone checking in at the doctors for an ear infection) He flipped. Accused me of being fake and dishonest and that he 'didnt know I was like that'. Yes, he has been drinking at this point and he was running out and had no money. I tried to apologise and defuse but he kicked me out anyway. Later that night, I get messages saying that he needs an ambulance. He has a history and scars of self harm and I quickly informed his mother as he would not accept help from me. I sat on it for as long as I could until I eventually went back over at 10:30pm. He was in bits. Blood is everwhere from the cuts over his legs, pouring blood. The biggest will need stitches but he refused to go. I spoke to his mother and I let out everything I had been keeping from her under his request. Like the water bill money she gave him, he spent on booze - things like that. She was grateful and knew this has all come up due to the alcohol.
We spoke over message as it easier for him to be honest without the stress of face to face confrontation. We spoke until 1am and we've ended up splitting up which is fine but whats hurt me the most is his selective memory. He said he felt like I had been preasuring him to give up his Anti Depressents for the sake of our sex life (as it reduces it) and said he felt like I'd leave him. I quickly said that was never the case but he continued to tell me I had told him to stop taking them which I had not. He said he didnt want to take them after I read out the side effect and even gave them to me to keep safe incase he needed them. Next thing, hes telling everyone I made him give up is meds because of sex! I have messages and messages of me telling him it was never the case and I was willing to put our intimate life on hold until he was ready but somehow...it just doesn't sink in and he continues to insist im this horrible person. This has hurt me more than him splitting up with me. I stuck by him for two years trying to get him into recovery. Im so hurt. He just refuses to acknowledge anything I say. im so very close to telling him that ignoring what I say doesnt make me any more of the horrible person hes making me out to be but instead of lashing out, ive come here.
I dont know how the mind of the addicted works. Even as im writing this, hes still messaging me asking me when Im picking up my belongings, even though ive told him twice that I am picking them up later. Im sorry for ranting but I have no idea where else to turn.
In the two years we've been together has been a rollercoaster. In the last year, hes had sober periods for a few months at at time before he convinces himself he can control it and It only takes a few weeks to fall back into 10 cans of 8.5% beer a day. Ive done my best to support him. Its been very hard but sober, hes a wonderful person and certainly worth waiting for.
The reason why im writing this is to see if anyone can give me the advice or view point from someone whos already been or going through it so I can better understand for my own sanity.
Hes been drinking for the last month but I can tell he feels guilty as hes overly affectionate and offers to buy me anything when he goes out to the booze shop. Yesterday, everything was fine. Until...I rolled my eyes and said how silly something was on Facebook (Just someone checking in at the doctors for an ear infection) He flipped. Accused me of being fake and dishonest and that he 'didnt know I was like that'. Yes, he has been drinking at this point and he was running out and had no money. I tried to apologise and defuse but he kicked me out anyway. Later that night, I get messages saying that he needs an ambulance. He has a history and scars of self harm and I quickly informed his mother as he would not accept help from me. I sat on it for as long as I could until I eventually went back over at 10:30pm. He was in bits. Blood is everwhere from the cuts over his legs, pouring blood. The biggest will need stitches but he refused to go. I spoke to his mother and I let out everything I had been keeping from her under his request. Like the water bill money she gave him, he spent on booze - things like that. She was grateful and knew this has all come up due to the alcohol.
We spoke over message as it easier for him to be honest without the stress of face to face confrontation. We spoke until 1am and we've ended up splitting up which is fine but whats hurt me the most is his selective memory. He said he felt like I had been preasuring him to give up his Anti Depressents for the sake of our sex life (as it reduces it) and said he felt like I'd leave him. I quickly said that was never the case but he continued to tell me I had told him to stop taking them which I had not. He said he didnt want to take them after I read out the side effect and even gave them to me to keep safe incase he needed them. Next thing, hes telling everyone I made him give up is meds because of sex! I have messages and messages of me telling him it was never the case and I was willing to put our intimate life on hold until he was ready but somehow...it just doesn't sink in and he continues to insist im this horrible person. This has hurt me more than him splitting up with me. I stuck by him for two years trying to get him into recovery. Im so hurt. He just refuses to acknowledge anything I say. im so very close to telling him that ignoring what I say doesnt make me any more of the horrible person hes making me out to be but instead of lashing out, ive come here.
I dont know how the mind of the addicted works. Even as im writing this, hes still messaging me asking me when Im picking up my belongings, even though ive told him twice that I am picking them up later. Im sorry for ranting but I have no idea where else to turn.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry you're dealing with this craziness. Alcoholics tell themselves and anyone else who will listen ANYTHING to blame anything that goes wrong in their lives on anything but themselves and their drinking. So this is actually pretty typical.
Stop arguing with him about it. As for what he tells other people, ignore it. It's nobody else's business why you broke up. If you feel the need to respond, you can simply say it's not accurate but he's entitled to his perception.
I'd suggest picking up your stuff ASAP and then stopping all contact with him. He knows how to call 911 if he needs help.
Stop arguing with him about it. As for what he tells other people, ignore it. It's nobody else's business why you broke up. If you feel the need to respond, you can simply say it's not accurate but he's entitled to his perception.
I'd suggest picking up your stuff ASAP and then stopping all contact with him. He knows how to call 911 if he needs help.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Trying......first off---You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and You can't fix it.....
If you would like a better understanding of how the alcoholic mind works.....
The best explanation that I have ever read are the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, MD.......
there are several articles...but, you might like "Excuses Alcoholics Make" and "Addictions, Lies, and Relationships"......
It won't help you "fix" him.....but, it might help you to realize that it isn't about YOU....and, will help you to release some of the resentments and feelings of responsibility.....and help you not to personalize this as much......
His behavior sounds pretty standard for someone who is out of control with their disease....
You won't be able to "save" him.....the best you can do is to get out of his way....
continue to read and learn...
Knowledge is power......
dandylion
If you would like a better understanding of how the alcoholic mind works.....
The best explanation that I have ever read are the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, MD.......
there are several articles...but, you might like "Excuses Alcoholics Make" and "Addictions, Lies, and Relationships"......
It won't help you "fix" him.....but, it might help you to realize that it isn't about YOU....and, will help you to release some of the resentments and feelings of responsibility.....and help you not to personalize this as much......
His behavior sounds pretty standard for someone who is out of control with their disease....
You won't be able to "save" him.....the best you can do is to get out of his way....
continue to read and learn...
Knowledge is power......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Every time my XABF would make things up, have a seriously skewed view of what happened, or flat out lie, I would just remind myself that alcoholism causes brain damage. His is very sick, and I cannot argue the sickness away. Cutting contact with him has saved MY health!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
how does the mind of an addicted person work?
They come first, you are last. The addiction is the single most important thing in their life, and they will protect it at all costs. No exceptions . Love to an addicted person = their drug of choice. period. You are nothing more than a sometime option, they truly cannot be an invested partner, they have nothing to offer, the addiction rules, each and everyday.
Unacceptable actions and behaviors are never acknowledged. In their mind, it never happened. If you call them out on their unacceptable actions, you are now some crazed human being, and you do not know what you are talking about.
If it's not about them, it simply does not matter.
I have to agree, collect your things from his house, cease all communication, get as far away as humanly possible, and exit the crazy train.
You deserve better, and I believe you know this. Take your life back, you are the person who can add value to your own life, he cannot.
They come first, you are last. The addiction is the single most important thing in their life, and they will protect it at all costs. No exceptions . Love to an addicted person = their drug of choice. period. You are nothing more than a sometime option, they truly cannot be an invested partner, they have nothing to offer, the addiction rules, each and everyday.
Unacceptable actions and behaviors are never acknowledged. In their mind, it never happened. If you call them out on their unacceptable actions, you are now some crazed human being, and you do not know what you are talking about.
If it's not about them, it simply does not matter.
I have to agree, collect your things from his house, cease all communication, get as far away as humanly possible, and exit the crazy train.
You deserve better, and I believe you know this. Take your life back, you are the person who can add value to your own life, he cannot.
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