Feeling Trapped
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Feeling Trapped
Still in the same situation. Living as a family with my boys and husband taking it day by day. My stomach hurts daily, I've aged. Walking on egg shells, unsure of what mood will strike him. I told my RAH I want to separate. He pushed me over the edge with his controlling belittling ways. My 7 year old is feeling the tension. I decided to go back to therapy and my son is attending as well. He is having separation anxiety at school and it is because of the tension in our home. I know most would say get the hell out. When I told him I wanted to separate he became angry, threatened he would spend every penny he has to get custody of the boys. He said he is not leaving our home. He will never leave as he says he has rights too. I told him I don't want this getting ugly and we need to do the right thing for the kids. He doesn't care. He will not leave. I'm scared. He has used my 7 year old by getting him involved in our marital conflict, he has spoken negatively about me to the boys and his parents. No one will ever see who he really is. A selfish, manipulating, narcissistic child in the body of a 40 year old. He is clean but still sneaky. He has been going to a Kava bar behind my back. Is he meeting someone? Is he trying to medicate himself? I don't know what to do. I don't want this life anymore but I'm afraid of what he will say to my kids and make it horrible for them. Even though Kava is legal, it's still mind altering I've heard. How do I get out with out hurting my kids? If I leave with my kids will he fight me for custody?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Mama, I am sorry it has got this bad and my prayers go out for you and your children. You are living in an abusive relationship and need to get some place safe.
Please get some good legal advice, from a lawyer who knows your rights and may make suggestions on how to proceed and how to protect yourself and your boys once you leave. Talk to a women's shelter, you don't have to go to one to get their help, and maybe they can recommend someone affordable to help you.
You need help, you are in a dangerous situation. The most dangerous time will be when you actually leave, please have support and someone strong there with you when the time comes, even ask for the police to be there for you.
You can do this. Don't talk to him about it any more, that will only bring more threats and abuse. Just make your plan quietly once you know your rights. Also, document the verbal abuse and controlling actions, that may come in handy down the road.
You have my best prayers and best wishes. Be strong.
Hugs
Please get some good legal advice, from a lawyer who knows your rights and may make suggestions on how to proceed and how to protect yourself and your boys once you leave. Talk to a women's shelter, you don't have to go to one to get their help, and maybe they can recommend someone affordable to help you.
You need help, you are in a dangerous situation. The most dangerous time will be when you actually leave, please have support and someone strong there with you when the time comes, even ask for the police to be there for you.
You can do this. Don't talk to him about it any more, that will only bring more threats and abuse. Just make your plan quietly once you know your rights. Also, document the verbal abuse and controlling actions, that may come in handy down the road.
You have my best prayers and best wishes. Be strong.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
mama...
I'm sorry you're in this spot. But I can't say I'm surprised given how he's behaved in the past and his recent behavior. I find it amusing, in a dark sort of way, how on the one hand, he expects you to "put out", but he's also threatened you by telling you he'll spend every penny he has trying to get custody of the boys. In short (and pardon me for being blunt), he's an a$$hole.
Ann offers some sage advice. It's time you start thinking of an escape plan. There is no evidence that he will ever be a responsible, committed partner in a marriage, but there is plenty of evidence that all he cares about is what he wants, and if it's at the expense of you and your boys, so be it.
Keep us posted.
I'm sorry you're in this spot. But I can't say I'm surprised given how he's behaved in the past and his recent behavior. I find it amusing, in a dark sort of way, how on the one hand, he expects you to "put out", but he's also threatened you by telling you he'll spend every penny he has trying to get custody of the boys. In short (and pardon me for being blunt), he's an a$$hole.
Ann offers some sage advice. It's time you start thinking of an escape plan. There is no evidence that he will ever be a responsible, committed partner in a marriage, but there is plenty of evidence that all he cares about is what he wants, and if it's at the expense of you and your boys, so be it.
Keep us posted.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz 
It's crazy, I don't even know how to do it or what to tell my boys.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by zoso77
mama...we have women on the board who've been in similar spots as you. Reach out to them and pay very, very close attention to what they tell you. It could very well save your sanity.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
mama...
What you're confronted with is certainly not something you signed up for when you married him and had children with him. But it's also true that his actions have led to your pending decisions. So do some honest to goodness hard thinking and make the best decisions for both you and your boys.
We're in your corner, and we'll ride this out with you.
What you're confronted with is certainly not something you signed up for when you married him and had children with him. But it's also true that his actions have led to your pending decisions. So do some honest to goodness hard thinking and make the best decisions for both you and your boys.
We're in your corner, and we'll ride this out with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I have never been in your situation and won't pretend to know how it feels, my son is my addict. But I had a friend in a similar situation as you and one of the things she was advised to do was to gather all important papers (birth certificates, marriage license, all bank records, insurance policies,etc) and put them as well as changes of clothing for you and your son in a safe place that you will be able to access in an emergency. She was also told to set up a safe word with a friend, that if you call and use that word they will know to call 911 immediately. My guess would be that his treats of saying things to your son and others is just a ploy to control you. And in any case I'm sure your son has seen and heard enough to know in his heart that what is being said to him is a lie. Good luck and my prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It's crazy, I don't even know how to do it or what to tell my boys.
sweets, you do not have to ANNOUNCE your every intention. as suggested, you QUIETLY go about making arrangements, you QUIETLY speak to a lawyer and perhaps a DV counselor. you QUIETLY review the finances and get things in order. you keep your discussions with the counselor to yourself, except as appropriate with the 7 yr old ANYTHING you tell your AH now is going to backfire upon you. thus anything you share with your boys is likely to bite you in the ass as well.
so my dear friend, ZIP IT. right now, you will need to keep up a good front for the AH, detach and pretend, while you get your stuff together. this may take time, but do not delay.
sweets, you do not have to ANNOUNCE your every intention. as suggested, you QUIETLY go about making arrangements, you QUIETLY speak to a lawyer and perhaps a DV counselor. you QUIETLY review the finances and get things in order. you keep your discussions with the counselor to yourself, except as appropriate with the 7 yr old ANYTHING you tell your AH now is going to backfire upon you. thus anything you share with your boys is likely to bite you in the ass as well.
so my dear friend, ZIP IT. right now, you will need to keep up a good front for the AH, detach and pretend, while you get your stuff together. this may take time, but do not delay.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I agree with Ann and Anvil. This is a time when you want to play your cards close to the vest. I made an exit plan with the help of family, but there are many resources available to you. I think consulting an attorney would be the place to start. Find our exactly what your rights are and what the norm in your state is re custody, child support, division of assets, etc. You might be able to file for legal separation and be granted temporary possession of the home.
He is making threats to intimidate you into staying. A lot of what he's threatening is probably not legally feasible. Yes he can be a royal @$$ and drag things out, but only to a point. My ex made a lot of threats and noise about custody, child support and everything else, but most of those things are decided by a legal "formula" and there's only so much wiggle room. Just finding out your rights will be very helpful as you begin your exit planning.
As galling as it is, do your best to play nice and not let him rile you up. Keep things as calm as possible (while still maintaining your personal dignity).
I'm sorry you and your kids are experiencing this. I know it's a horrible situation, but it isn't forever. Every day you can do one thing to move yourself forward- make an appointment or a phone call, make copies of important documents and move the originals to a safe place, weed through possessions and sell or donate things you don't need or use.
And please do not talk to your AH about ANYTHING beyond basic, mundane daily household business. There will be phases where he turns on the charm and you'll be tempted to confide and try to bargain with him because he seems reasonable. Don't. There will be times when he sends you into an insane rage and you'll want to throw your exit plan in his face and rub his nose in it. Don't. Your words will become weapons for him to wield against you.
You can do this. We are here for you.
He is making threats to intimidate you into staying. A lot of what he's threatening is probably not legally feasible. Yes he can be a royal @$$ and drag things out, but only to a point. My ex made a lot of threats and noise about custody, child support and everything else, but most of those things are decided by a legal "formula" and there's only so much wiggle room. Just finding out your rights will be very helpful as you begin your exit planning.
As galling as it is, do your best to play nice and not let him rile you up. Keep things as calm as possible (while still maintaining your personal dignity).
I'm sorry you and your kids are experiencing this. I know it's a horrible situation, but it isn't forever. Every day you can do one thing to move yourself forward- make an appointment or a phone call, make copies of important documents and move the originals to a safe place, weed through possessions and sell or donate things you don't need or use.
And please do not talk to your AH about ANYTHING beyond basic, mundane daily household business. There will be phases where he turns on the charm and you'll be tempted to confide and try to bargain with him because he seems reasonable. Don't. There will be times when he sends you into an insane rage and you'll want to throw your exit plan in his face and rub his nose in it. Don't. Your words will become weapons for him to wield against you.
You can do this. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
All the advise above is very sage advice. I worked in a Women's Resource Center and worked both on the phone and at the courts helping women get restraining orders and also supporting them in court. Try to stay out of conflict with him and start planning. Call a good lawyer, get money together and hide in a separate account. Do not worry about your son blaming you. Your husband is a drug addict who is abusive and controlling. There is a place called Harbor House in Florida and the number is (407) 886-2856. They have a 24 hr hotline. They are there to help women in trouble. Start putting together important papers, documents etc and plan your time to leave the relationship when it is best for you. If you plan on leaving the home do so when he is at work and again, have things put away somewhere, if even at a friends or a family member of yours you trust. Sadly I have seen this many, many times and some are too afraid to leave and continue to stay and be demeaned, abused and controlled. Please be careful and try to appease him till you can exit. Please let us know how you are! Hugs
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((mama))
There are great suggestions here ~ I would like to add just a few from my own experience. . .
if possible seek legal counsel as soon as possible ~ I didn't & it cost me ~ my ex & I had always agreed that if either ever decided they wanted out - the other would never fight it - we would agree on civil terms - he did not keep that agreement & it got ugly.
please remember you are dealing with an unhealthy person - expect the unexpected - my ex AH was never violent, but when I left he started stalking me ~ driving through my work parking lot, being at the convenience store next to my job & just waiting there, driving by my new apartment - creepy!
BUT the most important thing is it DOES get better - they eventually lose interest when they realize you are not going to give into their scare tactics; when they know this is not another fake break up ~ another fake i'm leaving you - that you really mean it this time.
It's been years since I've seen or heard from my ex AH and my life is very peaceful without that drama ~
The girls are grown & some chose to see him, some don't because of their relationship - nothing to do with ours because I was honest & open with them about his disease and his good qualities. (because they do have some good qualities when they want to let them be known)
Remember to breathe, just breathe & do the Next Right Thing and we are here for you when it feels overwhelming!
PINK HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
There are great suggestions here ~ I would like to add just a few from my own experience. . .
if possible seek legal counsel as soon as possible ~ I didn't & it cost me ~ my ex & I had always agreed that if either ever decided they wanted out - the other would never fight it - we would agree on civil terms - he did not keep that agreement & it got ugly.
please remember you are dealing with an unhealthy person - expect the unexpected - my ex AH was never violent, but when I left he started stalking me ~ driving through my work parking lot, being at the convenience store next to my job & just waiting there, driving by my new apartment - creepy!
BUT the most important thing is it DOES get better - they eventually lose interest when they realize you are not going to give into their scare tactics; when they know this is not another fake break up ~ another fake i'm leaving you - that you really mean it this time.
It's been years since I've seen or heard from my ex AH and my life is very peaceful without that drama ~
The girls are grown & some chose to see him, some don't because of their relationship - nothing to do with ours because I was honest & open with them about his disease and his good qualities. (because they do have some good qualities when they want to let them be known)
Remember to breathe, just breathe & do the Next Right Thing and we are here for you when it feels overwhelming!
PINK HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres
((mama))
There are great suggestions here ~ I would like to add just a few from my own experience. . .
if possible seek legal counsel as soon as possible ~ I didn't & it cost me ~ my ex & I had always agreed that if either ever decided they wanted out - the other would never fight it - we would agree on civil terms - he did not keep that agreement & it got ugly.
please remember you are dealing with an unhealthy person - expect the unexpected - my ex AH was never violent, but when I left he started stalking me ~ driving through my work parking lot, being at the convenience store next to my job & just waiting there, driving by my new apartment - creepy!
BUT the most important thing is it DOES get better - they eventually lose interest when they realize you are not going to give into their scare tactics; when they know this is not another fake break up ~ another fake i'm leaving you - that you really mean it this time.
It's been years since I've seen or heard from my ex AH and my life is very peaceful without that drama ~
The girls are grown & some chose to see him, some don't because of their relationship - nothing to do with ours because I was honest & open with them about his disease and his good qualities. (because they do have some good qualities when they want to let them be known)
Remember to breathe, just breathe & do the Next Right Thing and we are here for you when it feels overwhelming!
PINK HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
There are great suggestions here ~ I would like to add just a few from my own experience. . .
if possible seek legal counsel as soon as possible ~ I didn't & it cost me ~ my ex & I had always agreed that if either ever decided they wanted out - the other would never fight it - we would agree on civil terms - he did not keep that agreement & it got ugly.
please remember you are dealing with an unhealthy person - expect the unexpected - my ex AH was never violent, but when I left he started stalking me ~ driving through my work parking lot, being at the convenience store next to my job & just waiting there, driving by my new apartment - creepy!
BUT the most important thing is it DOES get better - they eventually lose interest when they realize you are not going to give into their scare tactics; when they know this is not another fake break up ~ another fake i'm leaving you - that you really mean it this time.
It's been years since I've seen or heard from my ex AH and my life is very peaceful without that drama ~
The girls are grown & some chose to see him, some don't because of their relationship - nothing to do with ours because I was honest & open with them about his disease and his good qualities. (because they do have some good qualities when they want to let them be known)
Remember to breathe, just breathe & do the Next Right Thing and we are here for you when it feels overwhelming!
PINK HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
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