jada1981

Those of you who left, what did you do initially regarding visitation for your kids? AH hasn't been able to refrain from drinking for more than 1.5 months or so. He got arrested for DUI about a month ago. Once I actually file for divorce, I am not sure how his mental state will be, but I am not comfortable with him having the kids on his own yet. In the past, he has parked his car down the street and drank while the kids sat in the back seat. I was thinking of initially proposing he visits the kids here at the house. What was/is your visitation schedule and how do you make sure your kids are safe?

KidsR#1

I have been wondering the same thing jada.

Right now my AH visits DD8 and DS6 either at our home, my in laws or in the community at an event. But either I or my MIL are present. He doesn't have a history of driving them while drinking (He always came up with a reason not to drive them when he was drinking. thank god!) but has a history of drinking when he is supposed to be taking care of them at home. I know that at some point he will have to spend time with the kids unsupervised, but not sure when I will feel ready for that and AH is not pushing for it either.

Liveitwell

Talk to a lawyer. Like, now.

sauerkraut

I agree with FourOurGirls. The longer you wait, the harder it gets to make the case that the issue is serious. It sounds like you have some control of the situation; maintain that control by getting a court order in place that keeps him from being able to drive the kids and/or do anything else detrimental around them.

hopeful4

Luckily for me, my XAH was staying w/a family member I trust, so his visitation during that time was at their house. I learned the hard way not to let him drive them.

Then.....I made sure it is in my divorce decree that he cannot drink around my kids, ever. That I have the right to test him at any given time, and the right to remove the kids from his care if he drinks. It goes on and on, and it has saved me b/c of course he does drink...still. My kids are 10 and 16, I did not have sober monitoring put in place b/c they always know, but I wish I would have.

Many hugs!

Mountainmanbob

Times do not sound to be safe - protect yourself and your children.
MB

dandylion

jada.....I agree...talk to a lawyer....the sooner, the better.....

You might want to check out the website womansdivorce.com......
It is organized by state....it covers just about every aspect of divorce.....

It can't replace your lawyer.....but, it is very educational in nature....and, can point you toward resources that can be of help.....

dandylion

Readreadread

Yes, get the no driving with kids now in place while he has a DUI on record. Protect your children. A lawyer can help with a custody agreement, even a temporary one. Push for soberlink now. Me ex has supervised visits because he couldn't commit to soberlink, meaning he still continues to drink and doesn't want to be held accountable. His Mom and Dad are his only supervisors.

jada1981

Thank you for the info on soberlink. That looks like it would be very helpful!

Readreadread

I tried testing him myself with other breathalyzers, don't bother, this shouldn't be your job. Soberlink is a good option, plus this puts failed tests ok record. He won't like it, but if he wants to see his kids and wants to be sober, it is a good option. Make him pay for it, this is his problem.

MsPINKAcres

Some really good suggestions here -

just throwing something out - if you make your home the visitation site for the children, he may use that as an excuse to be at your home more than you want him to - especially during a separation. From my experience, a neutral site seems to work better.

But I believe formal legal advice would be your best way to go right now ~

wishing you & your children the best!

Wisconsin

I agree completely that the time to act is NOW, because the DUI is so recent. My STBXAH has three...count 'em, three...DUIs, but the last one is almost 10 years old at this point. He has no "behavior of record" for YEARS that would enable me to restrict his parenting time with our son. As a result, my approach is to push through the divorce as amicably and as quickly as possible, so that as he deteriorates I can go back to court and fight the ugly fight, without it delaying the divorce. Trying to fight an ugly fight now would be a waste of time and energy anyway, as there is no record or evidence of him engaging in behavior that warrants restriction of parenting time/rights.

You, on the other hand, do have that kind of behavior on record. And yes...the longer you wait, the harder it will be to point to that DUI and say "no driving with Dad" in the parenting agreement. States vary widely in terms of what kinds of things they are willing to restrict based on certain types of behavior. Talking to a lawyer will give you an idea of what to expect in your jurisdiction in terms of reasonable restrictions on your AH based on his actual behavior.

wanttobehealthy

While he has pending DUI charges/consequences etc... I would file NOW and put in your petition that due to his LEGAL record of unsafe behavior with alcohol you want supervised visits OR require that he demonstrate sobriety via soberlink or another breathalyzer device at multiple intervals during his visitation.

My xAH never had a DUI and I still successfully got the court to agree to breathalyzer testing being mandatory at multiple intervals during his parenting time.

You will have to fight hard and advocate for your kids-- the court will not just offer it up but this IS a safety issue as you recognize already, so don't be afraid to advocate.

His having the DUI is actually beneficial to you in terms of asking for these conditions.

I would file sooner than later.

wanttobehealthy

PS. I had more success getting my xAH to to agree to temp agreements (using the legal forms from the state website) than I did getting agreements made through lawyers...

You know best what you want for your kids... sometimes lawyers are more about beating the other side than fighting for the things that matter to you (or maybe that was my lawyers)...

But I trusted myself at the end and felt that I fought better for myself and my kids than they did and I got precisely what I needed and wanted by doing that...

hopeful4

I too did the wheeling and dealing with my X. My attorney told me no judge would have ever put into my divorce decree all I have in it had we not hammered out the agreement ourselves. Get it done while it's fresh.

jada1981

Last night AH and I had a discussion, the outcome was which that he isn't sure he even ever had a problem with drinking. I asked him if he still plans on trying to remain sober after we separate and he said he wasn't sure. My question is, is there any way to find out if he gets another DUI after we are divorced? Since I won't be around him all the time, I guess I won't know if his drinking is progressing (which is great for me), but I feel like I need to know for the kids' sake.

sauerkraut

Jada, you're living my life, but I'm a little further along, having left my AH 4 months ago. He, too, has decided that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol and that, all evidence to the contrary, he can still be a 'social drinker.'

I think you know what you need to know, which is that he has a problem with alcohol and he's not in recovery. Use everything you can including his recent DUI to make sure he doesn't get shared custody without a sobriety monitoring plan in place.

I imagine he's very persuasive and manipulative, but you know what you know. Use that knowledge to get the court orders that will help you to protect your kids.

I don't know about the future DUI question. However, if your husband is like mine, it's not the potential for getting stopped by the police while driving that puts the kids at risk so much as the everyday reality of someone driving and parenting while inebriated, regardless of whether they are caught.

jada1981

I'm an attorney (although not divorce). I spoke to my friend who I was going to have represent me, but he assured me I can do the initial stuff myself and he will work with me behind the scenes to make sure everything is done properly. I plan to provide for visitation of the kids at our house only. Those of you who had Sober Link requirements in your plans, what exactly were the details? Did they have to blow every 3 hours? And what happened if they didn't blow or showed they were drinking? (I am going to work on the temporary plan tonight.)

ladyscribbler

Our Soberlink agreement is that he blows twice every 24 hour period. Any alcohol present or a missed test would result in the immediate termination of the visit. I also agreed to pay half the cost of the monitoring service. I haven't had to actually use or enforce any of this yet. His first possible visit is next summer (we are in different states), and the Soberlink is an alternative to him getting a substance abuse evaluation and completing whatever treatment requirements are stipulated by the evaluator.
The website actually has a lot of helpful info in the FAQs section. I presented some of it as evidence at our custody trial last November. I was lucky that the judge in my case took the drinking issue very seriously.

Liveitwell

Jada-you can call soberlink and they can help customize a plan/schedule that gives you peace of mind for your kiddos. Best to you!