new here bf is in rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 4
new here bf is in rehab
My bf of almost 5 yrs is in currently in rehab for 10 days. I need & want to to know what to expect when he comes home, how to deal with him, or any advice to be given I would love to know any or everything to help him. I want to support him & be his biggest fan to do what's right for him. I know I can not drink around him, will I ever be able to or I'm an enabling him if I ever do now? Sorry I'm clueless how this all works but I do want him to get better. He made thia decision on his own so no one made him do it. I just don't want anything to change between us but I'm sure there will be struggles. Just tell my anything to expect or what I can do to help. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Stacy, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you're looking for information about what's going on w/your ABF and what to expect--this is a good place to come for it.
First of all, remember that your ABF's recovery is exactly that--his. Don't make the mistake of thinking that anything you do or don't do will either keep him sober or make him relapse. It's great that you want to be supportive, but ultimately it is his deal. Also realize that 10 days in rehab is a good beginning but only a beginning. If you read around in the alcoholic section of this forum, you'll see many recovering A's say it takes a year or two before they have anything approaching a "normal" thought process or outlook. Recovery is an ongoing process and takes time. If he is serious about recovery, he will be learning to deal with life in a whole new way and thus changing, processing and progressing w/each day.
Probably the single best thing you can do to support his recovery is to begin your own. That might sound nuts, but believe me, if you've spent 5 years w/this guy, you have your own bag of snakes to unpack. I'd suggest reading here as much as you possibly can; make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. This is a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'd also suggest getting to some Alanon meetings for face-to-face support as well as education (Alanon is different from AA--AA is for the alcoholic, Alanon is for family/friends/partners/spouses). It can sometimes take several tries to find a meeting that's a good fit, but it is so worth it once you find one you're comfortable at.
Again, I'm glad you found your way to SR, and I wish all the best to you and your BF as you both start your own recovery journeys. Keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back!
First of all, remember that your ABF's recovery is exactly that--his. Don't make the mistake of thinking that anything you do or don't do will either keep him sober or make him relapse. It's great that you want to be supportive, but ultimately it is his deal. Also realize that 10 days in rehab is a good beginning but only a beginning. If you read around in the alcoholic section of this forum, you'll see many recovering A's say it takes a year or two before they have anything approaching a "normal" thought process or outlook. Recovery is an ongoing process and takes time. If he is serious about recovery, he will be learning to deal with life in a whole new way and thus changing, processing and progressing w/each day.
Probably the single best thing you can do to support his recovery is to begin your own. That might sound nuts, but believe me, if you've spent 5 years w/this guy, you have your own bag of snakes to unpack. I'd suggest reading here as much as you possibly can; make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. This is a good place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'd also suggest getting to some Alanon meetings for face-to-face support as well as education (Alanon is different from AA--AA is for the alcoholic, Alanon is for family/friends/partners/spouses). It can sometimes take several tries to find a meeting that's a good fit, but it is so worth it once you find one you're comfortable at.
Again, I'm glad you found your way to SR, and I wish all the best to you and your BF as you both start your own recovery journeys. Keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
stacy......you do not need to be a "cheerleader" for him......
leave his recovery up to him......give him a wide berth.....
He may be irritable, restless, and very moody (for quite a while)...
It is best to keep yourself occupied and focus on yourself......
It takes a long time in recovery for an alcoholic to make the internal changes and the changes I n the alcoholic thinking......the kind of lasting changes of genuine recovery.......
I suggest that you do a search....on the bar at the top of the main page....and read some of the hundreds of stories from others about the "post rehab" period.....
It can be tougher than the original active drinking, in many cases.....
Basically...his recovery is his responsibility....leave it with him on his side of the street...and, you stay and focus on your side of the street....
Don't try to be his "savior"......because, it just doesn't work that way....it will backfire on you if you do.....
danddylion
leave his recovery up to him......give him a wide berth.....
He may be irritable, restless, and very moody (for quite a while)...
It is best to keep yourself occupied and focus on yourself......
It takes a long time in recovery for an alcoholic to make the internal changes and the changes I n the alcoholic thinking......the kind of lasting changes of genuine recovery.......
I suggest that you do a search....on the bar at the top of the main page....and read some of the hundreds of stories from others about the "post rehab" period.....
It can be tougher than the original active drinking, in many cases.....
Basically...his recovery is his responsibility....leave it with him on his side of the street...and, you stay and focus on your side of the street....
Don't try to be his "savior"......because, it just doesn't work that way....it will backfire on you if you do.....
danddylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Hi Stacy. Im in the same situation as you. My RABF just returned from a 6 week stay in treatment. I was very nervous about his return and how I could help him most. I am learning very quickly that there is little I can do to help him. I am also learning quickly, how much more help I need than I realized. This is not to say I cant be supportive, I just cant recover for him, which is what I would like to do, lol.
My RABF has been very moody and quiet. He really doesn't want to talk much about his recovery. It's his and private. Maybe that will change with time, but I have to respect it. We will be starting couples therapy soon to deal with OUR issues, but I try and stay out of HIS issues.
I really cannot stress enough getting support for yourself. I go to alanon meetings, individual therapy, read a ton of books on addiction, and come to this sight, and I still feel like a crazy person some days. Im finding that my own recovery is very rewarding though, ouside of his. There is nothing that I can do for him, and he is making it clear, as well, that he does not need my help.
I noticed you also mentioned drinking in front of him. This was a concern for me as well, since me and RABF where "drinking buddies" so to speak. I was nervous about how all this was gonna change after treatment. I realized we were now gonna have a dry house, and this kinda scared me. The fact that I was scared about not having alcohol in the house scared me even more. Not a good sign. So I am also exploring my own relationship with alcohol. I haven't had a drink in 31 days and feel better than ever. Im not saying this how it is for you... just sharing my experience.
I wish you all the luck in the world. It is a difficult experience. It just really comes down to you helping yourself, and letting him help himself.
My RABF has been very moody and quiet. He really doesn't want to talk much about his recovery. It's his and private. Maybe that will change with time, but I have to respect it. We will be starting couples therapy soon to deal with OUR issues, but I try and stay out of HIS issues.
I really cannot stress enough getting support for yourself. I go to alanon meetings, individual therapy, read a ton of books on addiction, and come to this sight, and I still feel like a crazy person some days. Im finding that my own recovery is very rewarding though, ouside of his. There is nothing that I can do for him, and he is making it clear, as well, that he does not need my help.
I noticed you also mentioned drinking in front of him. This was a concern for me as well, since me and RABF where "drinking buddies" so to speak. I was nervous about how all this was gonna change after treatment. I realized we were now gonna have a dry house, and this kinda scared me. The fact that I was scared about not having alcohol in the house scared me even more. Not a good sign. So I am also exploring my own relationship with alcohol. I haven't had a drink in 31 days and feel better than ever. Im not saying this how it is for you... just sharing my experience.
I wish you all the luck in the world. It is a difficult experience. It just really comes down to you helping yourself, and letting him help himself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Hi Stacy, it's good to meet you. It's very encouraging that your BF chose to go to treatment, that is often the biggest hurdle - becoming WILLING. however...10 days is just enough time for him to detox and get a few days sober under his belt. if he is to be successful, he has a lot of work to do!!!
remember your ROLE is that of his GIRLFRIEND - not his counselor, therapist or addiction specialist. those are resources he needs to find on his own. hopefully he has a treatment PLAN. if so, you can "support" him by letting those things take prominence in his life.....he will need to be very involved, which means.....things WILL change for both of you, he will need to give his recovery his full attention.
he's likely to be cranky and feel unwell. you don't need to FIX that. if he had the flu, you could feed him soup and Tylenol, but the healing process will happen in it's own time.
please read around this site, especially the sticky notes at the top of this and other forums.....those are articles posted for information.
remember your ROLE is that of his GIRLFRIEND - not his counselor, therapist or addiction specialist. those are resources he needs to find on his own. hopefully he has a treatment PLAN. if so, you can "support" him by letting those things take prominence in his life.....he will need to be very involved, which means.....things WILL change for both of you, he will need to give his recovery his full attention.
he's likely to be cranky and feel unwell. you don't need to FIX that. if he had the flu, you could feed him soup and Tylenol, but the healing process will happen in it's own time.
please read around this site, especially the sticky notes at the top of this and other forums.....those are articles posted for information.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 4
Thanks for all the responses. Yes, I'm learning as much as I can to help me understand. This site has a lot of information on it and knowing others been through it helps to. I will keep reading on here. Thanks!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
