Let's talk detachment examples
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Let's talk detachment examples
Hi!
It's been a long time since I've been with my ex AH and I was trying to explain detachment to someone and realized I'd been out of the program a while and while back then I had a great definition now I've forgotten a bit.
I also have a non alcoholic situation in my life where I think I myself need to practice some detachment.
This is how I remember detachment: basically it's based on step 1, understanding that you have to accept what you can't control. And since we can't control other people we have to accept their actions and by accepting them it helps us not react in a controlling way. It's like letting things sit as they are and waiting to see the next right step for us without focusing on the other person and while focusing on us.
.....I'd love to hear some examples though, and feel free to correct my definition as I said I'm out of practice.
It's been a long time since I've been with my ex AH and I was trying to explain detachment to someone and realized I'd been out of the program a while and while back then I had a great definition now I've forgotten a bit.
I also have a non alcoholic situation in my life where I think I myself need to practice some detachment.
This is how I remember detachment: basically it's based on step 1, understanding that you have to accept what you can't control. And since we can't control other people we have to accept their actions and by accepting them it helps us not react in a controlling way. It's like letting things sit as they are and waiting to see the next right step for us without focusing on the other person and while focusing on us.
.....I'd love to hear some examples though, and feel free to correct my definition as I said I'm out of practice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Example: When my exAH would get drunk and start becoming a manic clown (which annoyed the crap out of me) rather than confronting him and getting upset I would take a deep breath and tell myself "this is something out of your control and therefore getting upset about it gets you nowhere". Then I would politely excuse myself to my office and watch TV or do some work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
I used to go to a meeting where they read detachment in the opening instead of the regular reading...here is a link for new people trying to explore the idea of detachment:
http://www.mb.al-anon.alateen.org/Detachment.pdf
http://www.mb.al-anon.alateen.org/Detachment.pdf
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Aeryn 
Hi!
It's been a long time since I've been with my ex AH and I was trying to explain detachment to someone and realized I'd been out of the program a while and while back then I had a great definition now I've forgotten a bit.
I also have a non alcoholic situation in my life where I think I myself need to practice some detachment.
This is how I remember detachment: basically it's based on step 1, understanding that you have to accept what you can't control. And since we can't control other people we have to accept their actions and by accepting them it helps us not react in a controlling way. It's like letting things sit as they are and waiting to see the next right step for us without focusing on the other person and while focusing on us.
.....I'd love to hear some examples though, and feel free to correct my definition as I said I'm out of practice.
It's been a long time since I've been with my ex AH and I was trying to explain detachment to someone and realized I'd been out of the program a while and while back then I had a great definition now I've forgotten a bit.
I also have a non alcoholic situation in my life where I think I myself need to practice some detachment.
This is how I remember detachment: basically it's based on step 1, understanding that you have to accept what you can't control. And since we can't control other people we have to accept their actions and by accepting them it helps us not react in a controlling way. It's like letting things sit as they are and waiting to see the next right step for us without focusing on the other person and while focusing on us.
.....I'd love to hear some examples though, and feel free to correct my definition as I said I'm out of practice.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
^^^^^^I believe this is why, in cases of abuse....it is recommended that alanon techniques not be used---rather...an abuse counselor or group....
Not to be critical of alanon.....but, it is just not intended to protect you from abuse....
dandylion
Not to be critical of alanon.....but, it is just not intended to protect you from abuse....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I like the phrase "when in doubt, don't", regarding detaching.....
I would always think, what I had to say, would solve this next drama. But once I asked myself this question, I would keep my mouth shut and in other words, "detach" from the next crisis.
Mind my own business, and on to the next crisis of the day.....
I would always think, what I had to say, would solve this next drama. But once I asked myself this question, I would keep my mouth shut and in other words, "detach" from the next crisis.
Mind my own business, and on to the next crisis of the day.....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
For me, detachment is more than just taking the other's person's quacking/poor decisions/behavior personally; it's also not allowing it to upset or affect MY emotional grid. So, if I'm furious with RAH for some reason, but yelling & carrying on at DD over getting her homework done or getting a crappy attitude with my coworkers, I'm not reallllllly detached at all. I'm just redirecting my frustrations.
I don't always need physical space to detach, but it sure can be helpful & I relied on it in the early stages of understanding this philosophy. It can be hard to detach while you are still interacting, especially if a situation is escalating. It also isn't intended to be a place that you stay in - more of a rest stop while you decide on your next best move. You can't live in a state of detachment, it's temporary/situational.
One of my best examples would be when RAH relapsed & was arrested for DUI. I was definitely feeling a range of emotions but I was able to step back & say: hey, your mess, you fix it. I need to get to work today - full day at the office alone & people are relying on me. DD's reaction makes me LOL now - I explained what had happened (I'd gotten the call in the middle of the night) & she was like, "I've got a test today that is REALLY important, I CANNOT miss school - that sucks for dad, but he put himself there too. I really need to focus on this test right now." I assured her that her responsibilities at school were definitely priority here & that we could deal/talk through all of it after school, when I'd know more anyway.
So that's what we did. We had our normal morning. We laughed & sang on the way to school. When he called after he'd been released, I told him he'd have to wait until I could get there or find another way. I didn't care that he had not one red cent on him, a nearly dead phone & was standing alone on a street corner. I wasn't going out of my way, shirking my responsibilities & running to help him. It wasn't retribution - it's absurd of him to expect me to close down a business to help him out of *this* type of problem. If he'd had a true medical emergency? Totally different story.
The biggest sign internally that I had accomplished detachment was that I wasn't a nervous wreck, biting down my fingernails in anticipation of all the future tripping I was doing in my mind & trying to hold my upset stomach down. (Read: Old Me) I was calm, collected & focused. I still felt good about ME, so why should I be carrying his anxiety anyway? I knew I'd be impacted (financially, etc) by this event but I was as out of control about all of that as I was about his decision to relapse anyway. (that was something I had already had to accept as a possibility when choosing to stay, way back in my early recovery.) And honestly, I chuckled at the realization that even if I HAD spent my time worrying about a relapse? This was not AT ALL a scenario that would have occurred to me. I was SO grateful that MY recovery had saved me all that mental time - that I'd used that time to grow for me instead.
I don't know why *I* expected her to fall apart. I guess because I would have (did) as a kid. At that point we'd been 2 yrs into recovery & lots & lots of recovery-speak/actions at home. (some of us more than others) This showed me very clearly that I was on my way to breaking the pattern of raising Professional Codies in our family.
I don't always need physical space to detach, but it sure can be helpful & I relied on it in the early stages of understanding this philosophy. It can be hard to detach while you are still interacting, especially if a situation is escalating. It also isn't intended to be a place that you stay in - more of a rest stop while you decide on your next best move. You can't live in a state of detachment, it's temporary/situational.
One of my best examples would be when RAH relapsed & was arrested for DUI. I was definitely feeling a range of emotions but I was able to step back & say: hey, your mess, you fix it. I need to get to work today - full day at the office alone & people are relying on me. DD's reaction makes me LOL now - I explained what had happened (I'd gotten the call in the middle of the night) & she was like, "I've got a test today that is REALLY important, I CANNOT miss school - that sucks for dad, but he put himself there too. I really need to focus on this test right now." I assured her that her responsibilities at school were definitely priority here & that we could deal/talk through all of it after school, when I'd know more anyway.
So that's what we did. We had our normal morning. We laughed & sang on the way to school. When he called after he'd been released, I told him he'd have to wait until I could get there or find another way. I didn't care that he had not one red cent on him, a nearly dead phone & was standing alone on a street corner. I wasn't going out of my way, shirking my responsibilities & running to help him. It wasn't retribution - it's absurd of him to expect me to close down a business to help him out of *this* type of problem. If he'd had a true medical emergency? Totally different story.
The biggest sign internally that I had accomplished detachment was that I wasn't a nervous wreck, biting down my fingernails in anticipation of all the future tripping I was doing in my mind & trying to hold my upset stomach down. (Read: Old Me) I was calm, collected & focused. I still felt good about ME, so why should I be carrying his anxiety anyway? I knew I'd be impacted (financially, etc) by this event but I was as out of control about all of that as I was about his decision to relapse anyway. (that was something I had already had to accept as a possibility when choosing to stay, way back in my early recovery.) And honestly, I chuckled at the realization that even if I HAD spent my time worrying about a relapse? This was not AT ALL a scenario that would have occurred to me. I was SO grateful that MY recovery had saved me all that mental time - that I'd used that time to grow for me instead.
I don't know why *I* expected her to fall apart. I guess because I would have (did) as a kid. At that point we'd been 2 yrs into recovery & lots & lots of recovery-speak/actions at home. (some of us more than others) This showed me very clearly that I was on my way to breaking the pattern of raising Professional Codies in our family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by lostangel011
I was given good advice to detach with love but my god when I'm in such a chaotic environment with such a damaged angry person the detaching sets him off more sometimes. I need more therapy and support. In the midst of it I'm not that strong yet
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Aeryn
I get that with abuse detachment may not work as well but there may be small drinking related stuff you can detach from. For example when he is manic from drinking you know he has a tendency to make mean inappropriate jokes and get mad when you don't laugh...so maybe (and I'm just spitballing here) you could detach by not going to dinner with him in that state. Maybe say " well I know you are meeting an important client so I don't want to be in the way of your work focus so go have s good time and I'd love to hear about it after". I'm just giving granted something that may only work in a non abusive situation...I'm not sure but I do think avoiding interaction when he's like that could help you get a break and some peace even if only temporary
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Detachment with love is allowing another person have a freedom of choice and be who they want to be, and remembering that we also have right to make choices for ourselves and be happy.
The reason why I can claim that there was 100% emotional abuse in my marriage, including gaslighting and creating fake reality, is when I tried to detach and do things properly, this is where the real problems started.
One of the things I did was no cooking for my ex, because my food enabled him to drink more. I think that was somewhere in September-October 2014. I also started going out for walks more often and got a puppy.
That's when my life became unbearable.
Did not take him long to show his real face.
The reason why I can claim that there was 100% emotional abuse in my marriage, including gaslighting and creating fake reality, is when I tried to detach and do things properly, this is where the real problems started.
One of the things I did was no cooking for my ex, because my food enabled him to drink more. I think that was somewhere in September-October 2014. I also started going out for walks more often and got a puppy.
That's when my life became unbearable.
Did not take him long to show his real face.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
FireSprite, I have to say your story is inspirational. I hope to be able to handle myself so well.
Thanks for this thread too. I have a hard time understanding detatchment, but this is very helpful. I am definitely trying to give my RABF the dignity of his own decisions, no matter how hard it is for me to keep my nose out of it. And I definitely need to learn the part about not taking everything so personally though... and that goes for life in general, not just with RABF.
Thanks for this thread too. I have a hard time understanding detatchment, but this is very helpful. I am definitely trying to give my RABF the dignity of his own decisions, no matter how hard it is for me to keep my nose out of it. And I definitely need to learn the part about not taking everything so personally though... and that goes for life in general, not just with RABF.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by lostangel011
Yeah if I wasn't so crazy and codependent and untrustful of him going out alone at night. And yes I hear how insane that sounds!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
The only detachment that worked for me was a permanent one : divorce. My ex had major issues, not only drinking...and was destructive and abusuve with no remorse. Alanon didn't and couldn't help me with that-like Dandy said. Just my two cents 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
First thing I learned was detachment is for YOU not for your qualifier. For me detachment was about step 1 accepting the things I can't control...once I did that a HUGE weight lifted off of me. Knowing I couldn't control his passing out, his absence from life, his general abandonment of me. Detachment saved me in all ways...granted my exAH was not abusive or even mean. However what my therapist and I used to discuss was the fact that my exAH was a "nice" guy (even when drunk his worst was abandonment...if I'm honest I was the angry one trying to "wake him up" he wasn't the one)...anyway the fact that my exAH is so nice actually made it hard for me to leave...harder to justify in my mind. It took me a long time to get out of OBLIGATION and GUILT (so I was the OG in FOG staying for obligation and guilt).
Not all alcoholics are abusive...alcohol can't make a non abuser abusive (my exAH is a prime example)....detachment saved me and helped me leave and was the one Alanon concept I really lived by...without it I likely would still be living with my exAH basically abandoned and alone in my own home.
So yes...I was wanting people to share how that worked for them.
Not all alcoholics are abusive...alcohol can't make a non abuser abusive (my exAH is a prime example)....detachment saved me and helped me leave and was the one Alanon concept I really lived by...without it I likely would still be living with my exAH basically abandoned and alone in my own home.
So yes...I was wanting people to share how that worked for them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London, UK
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by Aeryn
First thing I learned was detachment is for YOU not for your qualifier. For me detachment was about step 1 accepting the things I can't control...once I did that a HUGE weight lifted off of me. Knowing I couldn't control his passing out, his absence from life, his general abandonment of me. Detachment saved me in all ways...granted my exAH was not abusive or even mean. However what my therapist and I used to discuss was the fact that my exAH was a "nice" guy (even when drunk his worst was abandonment...if I'm honest I was the angry one trying to "wake him up" he wasn't the one)...anyway the fact that my exAH is so nice actually made it hard for me to leave...harder to justify in my mind. It took me a long time to get out of OBLIGATION and GUILT (so I was the OG in FOG staying for obligation and guilt).
Not all alcoholics are abusive...alcohol can't make a non abuser abusive (my exAH is a prime example)....detachment saved me and helped me leave and was the one Alanon concept I really lived by...without it I likely would still be living with my exAH basically abandoned and alone in my own home.
So yes...I was wanting people to share how that worked for them.
Not all alcoholics are abusive...alcohol can't make a non abuser abusive (my exAH is a prime example)....detachment saved me and helped me leave and was the one Alanon concept I really lived by...without it I likely would still be living with my exAH basically abandoned and alone in my own home.
So yes...I was wanting people to share how that worked for them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by chloe210
Gosh, hearing you talk about the guilt of leaving a 'nice' alcoholic really rings true for me. The niceness is harder to detach from than an obviously abusive person, especially in the sober moments, where the extreme niceness wins you over. When my XABF was drunk he would just act silly, and make grand declarations of love, not be mean. I am still struggling with my guilt of leaving him since my recent final contact.
1. Could you afford to support a grown man for the rest of his adult life,
especially as his addiction progressed and he required more medical attention
and the dementia began to really show up with all the physical
and emotional issues attendant with that?
2. I used to be a "fun" drunk, than an emotional drunk, and was turning
in the the mean, verbally abusive drunk by the time I stopped.
Don't assume he will stay at the silly stage.
Didn't you wake up in the middle of the night with him ranting, standing
in your bedroom?
That doesn't sound "silly" to me.
Be glad you're free and stick to the No Contact this time
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My attempts at detachment involved not responding to angry outbursts and crazy statements. I turned my back and walked away, very hard to do since I want to be right and to control the outcome. But by practicing this I was able to finally walk away for good and not look back.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
