benevolentbkrdr

Hello all, this is my first post though I've been reading the boards for several months now. I can't quite remember all of the abbreviations everyone uses but I will try my best. My significant other was sober for about 90 days. I noticed that he was stalling in his treatment; he was doing the bare minimum and not making progress in terms of living a sober life, managing his reactions, and overall anger.

Then a few weeks ago we found out that he had cancer. This led to an even further decrease with his involvement in recovery, which then led to a relapse with alcohol and marijuana. I lost control of myself and began to inappropriately react to him - basically doing the things one is NOT supposed to do. I began to see a counselor for myself, and have been able to regularly attend Al Anon meetings. I allowed myself to bring the focus back to myself and simply let things be, though there were some red flags.

The last week he has been snappish and short on patience with myself and his 2 daughters. I brought up the subject to him a few days ago, and initially he became defensive but did agree to consider how he could manage himself better. This behavior continued, however, which included snapping at me in front of his girls yesterday, to the point where she yelled "stop it." I made an attempt at letting this go, at least for the time being. However, a combination of his low patience, him sounding drunk on the phone a couple of weekends ago while he was staying at his brother's, forgetfulness, and slurring and avoiding breathing into my face a couple of nights, all of these things came to a head yesterday while he was taking a nap and I looked at his checkbook, where I found a carbon copy of a check made out to a liquor store for a week ago. Oh I should also mention the other wrong that I did which was look at his phone and then discover he told his friend they should hang out so they can smoke (marijuana) sometime.

I confronted him, he got defensive and started saying my codependency was out of control, he hasn't drank since his relapse, etc. However he did admit that he had been drinking the night he stayed at his brother's, and when I told him that he had lied to me he disagreed - huh? He then explained that yes, he HAD bought alcohol a week ago while he was on his way to his parent's with the girls, but that he had stopped at a gas station on the way and threw it away. Which I do not believe. Is it understandable for me to believe that if he has gone and bought the alcohol, he is going to drink it?

In summary, we got into another argument today after I asked him if we could come to some sort of agreement or resolution, as he has not accepted that I would like to leave the relationship. However, this turned into a huge argument and I lost my cool. He lost his almost immediately. His final words were that he couldn't wait to set up a joint counseling session with his counselor. I'm assuming because he believes she is going to tell me how codependent I am being?

I am acting a little crazy. I know that going through is phone/checkbook are wrong. I also do not believe that I am willing to NOT do these things because this is the only way I know when I am being lied to. I also know that this is supposed to be part of the recovery process, but him being active in his recovery is a huge need that I have. I guess I don't know when it is time for me to call it quits.

maia1234

B,
You will know when you call it quits, when you can't take it any longer. It sounds pretty frustrating for you. There comes a point that you can no longer "help" him and you have to help yourself.

It is very discouraging after 90 days of sobriety and he is partying again. There is nothing more you can do, so do you want to be living like this in a month, a year or 10 years? Sounds like he has no intention on working a program, so what can you do about that, nothing.

I put up with it for 34 years with my AXH. I could not longer live like it, he was the addict but I was going crazy. I would hit some alanon meetings and a counselor and move forward in your life.

Hugs my friend, it really stinks!!

findingme26

I have past issues with snooping and checking up on my RAP as well. I know it's not healthy for me to obsess, so I try very hard to look at it this way: if you are feeling the need to snoop - like something just feels off - then your gut is more than likely right. Trust your instincts. You don't need to snoop for confirmation, you already know that something is going on. We always hope that we won't find anything wrong, but how often does snooping end up with you saying "Oh, I'm so glad I didn't find anything, I know I can trust him now"? It doesn't, because if he were behaving in a trustworthy manner, you wouldn't feel the need to snoop around!

Only you can answer the question of when to call it quits - you'll know if you're done or not. But it's completely okay and healthy for you to keep a boundary that says "You're actively in recovery, or we aren't together" That's not manipulation or control, that's you taking care of your own needs.

Bekindalways

Welcome Bene and I am so sorry for what brings you here!

I like what you said here >>>> "him being active in his recovery is a huge need that I have". Think about this as you decide whether to call it quits.

I left my XAB when I realized all he was going to put toward recovery was words. I absolutely needed something more for it to be worth it for me to stay. He wasn't anywhere near working a recovery program so I left. That was my boundary.

Big hug to you as this kind of thing can be excruciatingly painful. Keep posting.

JLOBYXMAS

You know something that finally dawned on me after 5 years of alcoholism ruling my life and trying everything and anything I could possibly do to try to get my husband to stop, get him into rehabs, advocating for him during his hospitalization so, crying, screaming, yelling, fighting, etc etc. I finally stopped and let him deal with his demons. he was upset with me for going through the divorce while he was in rehab, that "I left him while he was in rehab." No I didn't leave you, I stepped back and got out of the way for God to take over." I wasn't helping I was honestly just in the way.
Perhaps what your doing isn't going to have any positive effect, other then making you crazy. Maybe it's time to get out of the way.

Liveitwell

I second the advice given already-esp Maia's words. My exs drinking and demons and abuse weren't making him crazy...he didn't care what he did or how he treated me, the love of his life, or his kids. His drinking and abuse and demons drove me crazy-and created an unsafe environment for me and my children. I needed and got help for myself. He saw nothing wrong with his actions and the only recovery program he has ever worked at was taught at the school called "lie, abuse, deny but talk a big game". So I graciously stepped out of the way so God could take over-it wasn't my job to save him from himself-although I tried my hearty out and he put that responsibility on me as well. Not my problem anymore-and it's not yours either. You'll know when you know: When the pain of leaving outweighs the sheer pain and heartbreak of staying.

FeelingGreat

Bene trust your instincts. You don't need to snoop to know he's drinking, and he doesn't have to confirm it; I'm sure you familiar with the fact that A's can deny drinking with an open bottle of vodka in their hand.

What you can think about it what it means for you. You don't need to 'come to some sort of agreement or resolution' about whether you'd like to leave the relationship. He's not ready to let you go, but then he doesn't control you. You let yourself go.

JLOBYXMAS

FeelingGreat, I was giggling when I read your sentence "A's can deny drinking with an open bottle of vodka in their hand." It's not in the least bit funny, but on the other hand it is. I would pick up my XAH's ever present "Gatorade" bottles, with the tell tale sign of the rainbow swirls inside (when vodka is mixed with gatorade you can see the vodka swirling around) then taste it and be like "What the hell, your drinking again." His response inevitably was "No I'm not."
It's freaking ludicrous, made me question my sanity sometimes. Now looking back it's just ridiculous to me.
Benevolent, believe us, one day you will get to the point where you will see how insane the whole dance is.

firebolt

This just stands out above all else. You don't have to answer these for us - but please answer them for YOU!!

If you would like to leave, why haven't you?
Why do you think that you have to negotiate wanting to leave a relationship?
Why is your main focus that HE has to accept you want to leave?
Why isn't your wanting to leave the most important thing to you?

You seem to know that you deserve better than this - and I agree with you.

You'll save yourself some stress if you accept what you know.
He is an alcoholic.
He is still drinking.
His behavior is unacceptable at times.
So is yours.
You are in pain because of the relationship.
You seem to be the only one able to change things right now.
You can only change YOU.

Best to you - we know what it's like!