My husband is addicted to food, especially sugar

Old 02-28-2016, 08:46 AM
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My husband is addicted to food, especially sugar

I'm primarily here as the older sister (surrogate parent) of a meth/coke/etc addicted young man (5+ years of coming here) but I need to vent a little about my husband. He's morbidly obese at around 100 lbs overweight. I don't care about his appearance. That's not the issue. What I am concerned about is his health. For example, he is on his feet all day for work. The varicose veins in his legs are worsening. He has terrible back pain problems. Etc. I can barely feel any muscles in his back when *trying* to give him a massage. The layers of fat prevent the ability to give him much therapeutic relief. I am fairly certain he has gained about 30 pounds since we met a few years ago. He didn't have a double chin before and he was much easier to massage. I have hand weakness and a neck/arm/hand condition (thoracic outlet syndrome and mild carpal tunnel syndrome) so it is not good for me to do laborious tasks with my arms outstretched. However, he does not hesitate to ask me to massage him. Often. I have alluded many times to how hard it has become to get "in there" to his muscles. I have alluded to how he can actually do something to make things better for himself. I have alluded to the connection between being overweight and back problems. He says he doesn't care. He doesn't want to do anything to improve his condition and wants me to continue harming my own health to "help" him. I sort of feel like I am "enabling" as much as I despise that term. I'm getting frustrated and losing patience.

I really needed to get that out as it's not something I can discuss with him or anyone else for that matter.

Thanks, SR!
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Old 02-28-2016, 09:38 AM
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alterity ... the healthiest thing you can do it share your worries here or with someone you trust.

Have you thought about telling him that your hands etc hurt to much to do this type of thing any longer ?

Hell, we'd all like a massage twice a day if we could, but reality doesn't usually allow it. He could begin going to a spa for a massage. Simple - or you could have a couples massage !

Or ask him to learn and give you one before you give him one - I bet things will change after that.

It's cruel to not think of the other persons needs but it may just be that he doesn't realize that you're going thru pain each time you do this. Time for him to come up with a new solution.

When I was with my now deceased ABF .... he wanted this every single day. His muscles hurt all the time. But with Heroin, he could not always feel much so I had to press harder and in odd positions, like in the car and for longer than you would ordinarily. So in a way, I do understand exactly how you feel. I did finally have to break it to him. He was okay with it.

I will say prayers for you and hope you are able to talk to him soon ... Hugs, Joie
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Old 02-28-2016, 12:19 PM
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I have hand weakness and a neck/arm/hand condition (thoracic outlet syndrome and mild carpal tunnel syndrome) so it is not good for me to do laborious tasks with my arms outstretched.
Have you been to a physical therapist? Would it make it easier for you if your doctor/PT advised you to forgo massaging your husband?

What you have is no joke. I had to go through six months of weekly PT with ultrasound - drugs merely masked the cause. Mine was so bad my hand started shaking, and I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to carry my bridal bouquet down the aisle. My boss was freaked out that I wouldn't be able to work and would have to go on disability. They were the ones who begged me to go to PT. My then fiance now husband had to do all the chopping and food prep because the pain was so bad.

Your husband is going to complain all he wants but you cannot aggravate this condition. You have to do the exercises to get better and he will have to figure out another way to get his needs addressed. Not because you won't do it, but because you CAN'T.

Please do not screw around with this. Once you start dropping stuff on the floor, it's no fun at all.
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Old 02-28-2016, 12:44 PM
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What Joie said.

It is on your man to get appropriate chiropractic and massage therapy and maybe PT to get him exercising again.

It is on you to say you can't risk your health in providing that, and further, that you need him to lose weight or at least stop gaining it.

Moving on from someone who won't address morbid obesity is valid. It's understandable not to get turned on by someone whose, uh, lil someone is hidden under multiple belly folds. Who is just "oh well, he's not not working. How bout a massage?" Yeah, I had that happen, too.

Relationships include physical compatibility, and you aren't asking him to be 30. Just not to be gross and demanding.
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Old 02-28-2016, 02:16 PM
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Thank you, Joie, PuzzledHeart, and MissUs. I've been harboring a bit of resentment about this, because he KNOWS about my neck/arm/hands issue all too well. It's been something that has been going on to close to 8 years with the last 3 years spent trying to address it between my primary care physician, two physical therapists, one chiropractor, a cardiologist, a rheumatologist, two neurologists, and three osteopaths. And oh, dozens of massage therapists. LOL. I need massage more than anything as it's the only therapy that has ever helped. The IRONY!

Anyway, I agree that if I harm myself, I need to stop that. I just wish he'd take better care of himself too!

I will take all of your advice and try to incorporate it into making some positive changes. Thanks again!
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Old 02-28-2016, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by alterity View Post
He says he doesn't care. He doesn't want to do anything to improve his condition and wants me to continue harming my own health to "help" him. I sort of feel like I am "enabling" as much as I despise that term. I'm getting frustrated and losing patience.
So why DO you allow yourself to cause harm to yourself for someone who not only doesn't care about himself but obviously doesn't care about you, either? That's where I would start. I've got one of those too - Not morbidly obese, but one that wants those foot, neck, or back rubs without doing anything for me. I always tell him I'll give him one for ten minutes right after he gives me mine for ten minutes 🙄
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Old 02-28-2016, 03:02 PM
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I need massage more than anything as it's the only therapy that has ever helped.
alterity, I hear you! When I meet a new massage therapist, I assure them I can take it as hard as they can give it.

My Brookstone sport massage unit is my best friend between sessions. My husband has tried to give me a back rub a number of times, but he can't seem to get the hang of it so for the sake of our marriage I bought a unit. Best thing I ever did.
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Old 02-28-2016, 08:51 PM
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He needs more than massage therapy. He needs therapy for his sugar addiction. Sugar is a VERY addictive substance! Just because it's legal, and sweet, doesn't mean it's not very unhealthful.
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Old 02-29-2016, 04:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Firesong View Post
He needs more than massage therapy. He needs therapy for his sugar addiction. Sugar is a VERY addictive substance! Just because it's legal, and sweet, doesn't mean it's not very unhealthful.
Oh, don't I know it. However, his eating habits are more than really bad choices. The thing is that I think he is somewhere "on the spectrum" a little. It's not just sugar, but his entire diet seems to be the diet typical of a person with autism. Textures are sometimes even more important than taste, for example. This is an indication of sensory processing problems which go hand in hand with ASD. People with ASD tend to have a very limited food selection, oftentimes just strictly meat, carbs, and processed foods. My husband's diet primarily consists of that. No vegies at all except carrots in soup.

I've tried to make the healthiest meals that I know he likes or will at least tolerate, but then it seems that he needs to supplement with more junk for snacking. We have only been living together for about a year and I am starting to realize that there isn't anything I can do to influence him to change. That is where "letting go" would be really helpful for me, but that is always so much easier said than done.
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Old 02-29-2016, 05:02 AM
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You have the weight of the world pulling you down. I've been where you are but with an alcoholic husband and years after that divorce - with a heroin addict. The problem ended up not being them..it was me. Codependency was screaming in my face ! I remembered how I rejected it while I was married. Please read the sticky at the top of this forum and if you can read of listen to the book Codependency No More by Melody Beattie. I have spent so many years fighting it ... And now I am lifting the bricks off one at a time. Freedom awaits you. We are kind souls ... Maybe too kind. I will keep you in my prayers. You are not alone. Hugs ,
Joie
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Old 02-29-2016, 07:13 AM
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alterity, can you share with him that you love him and are concerned for his health?

Sugar addiction is real stuff. I have a cousin that is on the spectrum, and she will eat and eat if not made to stop, and she has a nutritionist that watches over her diet pretty strictly.

Many hugs to you.
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Old 03-01-2016, 05:25 AM
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hopeful4, I have talked about the actual eating issue with him a only once, very delicately. I also have spoken to him about the effects, e.g. directly mentioning that the cause of his back pain is the weight he has to hold up front, etc. Every time he responds, "I don't care."

The time I talked to him about his nonstop eating was a Sunday. All morning he was binging on junk, eating at least a couple of donuts every hour. By mid afternoon, after a big lunch and then MORE junk, I couldn't watch it anymore. It was so difficult to broach the subject. It was more difficult than talking about someone's excessive drinking or drug abuse. I tiptoed around the subject and I know he understood. His feelings were hurt and I ended up crying out of frustration. It was so reminiscent of my brother and father, the former I have obviously talked to and the latter I never have. I concluded that the best way for me to deal with this was to think of myself as codependent on trying to "fix" and control his diet. It's really extremely difficult because I am of the belief that the concept of codependency can be a pathologizing of caring at times, with this case being a good example.

I've gotten better at ignoring the problem when it isn't glaring me in the face. For the most part, I'm not so overly concerned that I think about it all the time. However, when he has a dozen donuts that he eats in one day, it's impossible to ignore. Instead of stewing about it, I just now remove myself and get distracted. For now, it seems to be working!
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Old 03-01-2016, 06:42 AM
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Unfortunately, his "addiction" will result in a greatly diminished lifestyle for you
in the end.
Someone who makes a conscious decision to not take minimal care of their own
health is, by default, going to dump their care issues on you down the road.

My mother did this with her smoking and drinking choices,
and I was the one left to deal with hospital and emergency room care,
daily visits, etc. to feed, shop, manage things.
Is this what you want long term?

My brother is obese also and just had a second knee replacement
and has had both hips replaced, many hospital stays, etc. for related
issues including heart, circulation issues etc. that his partner has had
to deal with for years.

Do you want this future for yourself?
I don't know if it is so co-depandant to not choose to commit long-term
to someone who refuses to care for their own health, and will by default
dump issues on their spouse down the road.

My own spouse is not caring for himself physically and is drinking too much.
His choice to not eat right, exercise, and continue to drink may be dealbreakers for me.
These are not "acts of God" but deliberate decisions for short-term gratification instead
of making choices to improve both of our lives. His right, but my right to say no.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life caring for someone who won't care
for themselves, even if I do love them.
I also have a right to love myself and make good choices for me.
It's a tough call alterity
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Old 03-01-2016, 06:43 AM
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Alterity....I think that is wise thinking. He has to decide it for himself, as we all know.

Many hugs to you my friend!
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Old 03-03-2016, 05:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
Unfortunately, his "addiction" will result in a greatly diminished lifestyle for you
in the end.
Someone who makes a conscious decision to not take minimal care of their own
health is, by default, going to dump their care issues on you down the road.
....
It's a tough call alterity
Very tough call especially when the issue is not so cut and dry.

Take myself for example... I was, for many years, an average eater, did not drink alcohol for a decade, did not smoke, was an average weight, but developed atherosclerosis. Early plaque was developing in my carotid artery, just as it had in my mother. I have a genetic mutation that predisposes me to hypercoaguability. I am sure that I inherited this SNP (single nucleotide polypmorphism) from my mom.

If I had not been diagnosed (this was in 2011), I would likely have continued down the same path until I died at an early age (menopause, so around age 47, the age my mother died of massive stroke due to blood clot dislodging from her carotid artery).

So, take that situation and compare it to my father who smokes, drinks like a fish, eats a diet very similar to my husband, and just turned 70 without having any major health symptoms.

No easy answer exists.
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Old 03-03-2016, 05:55 AM
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From my experience, if your husband is still using crack, that may be driving his sugar addiction to a certain extent. When using crack, my stepson would put spoon after spoon after spoon of sugar in his iced tea or coffee. It is my understanding that for some, a newly developed excessive use of sugar can be a 'tell' for crack or cocaine use.

Please take good care of yourself.
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Old 03-03-2016, 06:08 AM
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I'm not suggesting an easy answer, but someone who is already grossly obese
who continues to eat high fructose, etc. junk food at the rate you describe is
quite unlikely to be free of health problems resulting from this as they get older.

That has been my experience, at any rate.
Of course, we can never "predict" who will get away with it
and it is always tough to "measure" what might happen.
I face the same issues myself to a far lesser extent with my husband's health choices
and I'm having a hard think about what I want my "golden years" to look like.

Wishing you and he the best in any case.
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Old 03-03-2016, 06:17 AM
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My husband still drinks and I have learned the only way to get through to him about his drinking is to be an example of what sober looks like. When it's only him drinking, he can't kid himself about where the empties are coming from or where the money is going. I don't say anything...I just focus on my own sobriety.

Maybe you could start being an example? Go out for a walk a couple of times a day. Make healthy eating choices. "Forget" to buy junk food. Get a checkup.

But for sure, his free massages are over. You can't do it without hurting yourself and that's enough of a reason. Period. The end.
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Old 03-03-2016, 11:18 AM
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Hi aries,
"Maybe you could start being an example? Go out for a walk a couple of times a day. Make healthy eating choices. 'Forget' to buy junk food. Get a checkup."

I am an example. I do cardio (3 miles) as often as the weather allows. I'm a health food nut. Our diets are actually the complete opposite. I rarely eat meat and stick to vegies, whole grains, tofu, etc. I don't buy the junk. He does.

I do, however, bake cookies and cakes from time to time, in an effort to keep him away from the Little Debbies and gross stuff such as that. I use canola oil, omega 3 eggs, and add oats to my baking to keep the goodies the healthier versions.

Checkups? I am more on top of my health than anyone I know. I get advanced lipid analysis 4x/year and my annual sonograms. That's just four visits a year just with my primary care physician. Then there are the rheumatologist, cardiologist, osteopath, etc visits.

Most people are not like me, I realize all too well. Thanks for the advice anyway!
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Old 03-03-2016, 11:22 AM
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I'm sorry, it sounds like you took that as a criticism and I certainly didn't mean it that way. I was just trying to apply what has worked best in my situation to yours, but obviously I don't really know your life.
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