Worth saying anything?

Old 02-27-2016, 07:43 AM
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Worth saying anything?

I was wondering if it's worth reaching out to my younger brother to just give him a loving words of advice. Something like, we love you and hope you find your way back to the path.

I already know, regardless of what or how I say it, he will take defense, deny it and act as if I'm the crazy one for speaking up about something he's not (but is) doing.

About a year ago my father and he gotold into a physical altercation. My brother was arrested. Went to an outpatient program for 30 days and went to live at our mothers house for a more stable environment than with our alcoholic father.

I've started noticing many of his old habits come back to life over the last 3 or 4 months. A few days ago he lost it with my mom and she subsequently kicked him out as she finally realized he was back on drugs.

Somewhere around 2 or 3 months ago my father somehow seems to have quit drinking. His doctor said if he hadn't seen my father and assessed him with his own eyes he would never believe he made a recovery. he was very sick thin and gone in the head before his "recovery"...I have a hard time believing the doctor, and assume it's only a matter of time before he relapses therefore I never stopped my NC rule I had in place.

After my brother was kicked out of my mother's house he went back to our father's place. Within the first two days of being back in the place, the out of control spending habits they shared due to our father being too drunk to watch over his account and my brother who takes his car and pulls out cash for our dad to buy booze (not sure why he insists on using cash as booze are legal to buy and credit/debit cards are usually accepted at all liquor stores), and plenty of extra cash for himself were back to the same old same old.

Therefore I have little to no doubt my brother is back on drugs. Not sure which ones as his past had him dabbling in meth, mdma, and heroin. His pupils are always blown, and I have my suspicions it's back to meth. I feel like I could get some closure of my own if I could only find out what he's actually on (not like it matters, but somehow I feel as though it does).

Regarding our father, I already assumed he was drinking regardless of what the doctor said. Now that he's allowing the cash flow to go right back to where they were in during their downward spiral, I am more confident he's back on the sauce.

All the patterns are back in place. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck I'd say we got a set of addicts around again. Because of this I have no doubt any correspondence I try to have with my brother is going to be brushed off and deflected just like before. I know nothing will immediately come of it should I reach out to him.

My reasoning for looking to reach out to him is more for the hopes it will get through to him on his own time. Hopefully before it's too late, if it's not too late already.
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Old 02-27-2016, 08:59 AM
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I'm sorry that you are going thru this. We become snagged each time we think we can make a difference in a grown adults life when they choose NOT to make any changes themselves.

You need to do what you think is best but my guess is - it may not make any difference to them but it may drag you back in. The stress and worry is too much for even the strongest person to manage for very long.
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Old 02-27-2016, 04:06 PM
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Things are out of control right now, my guess is that reaching out now would just get you dragged into what you don't want to get dragged into.


Something like, we love you and hope you find your way back to the path.
If he contacts you, that might be a good time to say what you suggested and then let it go at that.

There is no right or wrong in all this, there is just what works or doesn't for each of us.

Whatever you decide, I hope it goes well.

Hugs
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Old 02-27-2016, 04:46 PM
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Thank you so much for your compassion and words of advice.

Originally Posted by JOIE12 View Post
We become snagged each time we think we can make a difference in a grown adults life when they choose NOT to make any changes themselves.
Originally Posted by JOIE12 View Post
it may not make any difference to them but it may drag you back in.
You're absolutely right... I guess I already knew the answer to my question before I ever posted this. I just needed somebody to let me know I was on the right track. As I am sure almost everybody here knows the pain and suffering and just how hard it is to deal with family members suffering from this illness.

Before I ever wrote the original post, I think I was still hoping there might be a chance he may not be hooked on drugs again and I could be making this all up. But deep down I know the truth, I know what he's doing, and you're right reaching out to him isn't going to make any difference other than dragging me back into potential chaos. Thank you so much for helping me come to the conclusion I knew, but wanted to turn a blind eye too.
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Old 02-28-2016, 02:47 PM
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Well it looks as though things haven't taken too long for my brother and father to start spinning out of control once again.

Apparently my brother took himself to the ER. Looking to get himself into a program. The hospital sent him home, which is back to our AF's place.

Before my brother was kicked out of our mother's house, my father was 2 months "clean" with no drinking (smoked weed instead of drank). Withing a day or two of my brother going to stay out our AF's place, the "household" spending habits went right back to what they were when both of them were on their substances of choice.

I guess it's safe to assume our father is back on the booze. My brother's says he wanted to get in a program for heroine treatment. So, I don't see this situation getting any better in the upcominfg days.....

I've withdrawn myself from from the two of them. But the only thing I can't get over is trying to figure out what drugs my brother was taking while he claimed he was "clean." Obviously it doesn't matter what drugs he was taking. For some reason I really can not stop thinking about this one aspect of his addiction.

Before going back to his father's place, his pupils were always blown blown blown. I know opiates will cause them to restrict instead of dilate. Other than that, it's hard to distinguish between other obvious indications of what drugs the kid was on from one drug to another.

Lastly, I want to bring up my concerns regarding how hard it is for those strickened with an addiction illness. Which the truth of the matter is a combination of health insurance companies, and therefore lack of profitability for the hospitals, and dumb blanket laws ment to provide patient rights to the average person. Of which the laws make it reasonable for insurance providers not to cover treatment plans since patients can walk out before getting better. Hospitals don't supply the needed services to easily intake and provide proper care for rehabbing patients. And insurance lobbiests keep government from changing the laws on addiction and patient rights....take away the rights of an addict. Boom problem solved. No rights means no signing your self out of treatment. No choice in leaving means insurance companies will be forced to cover treatment. When an addiction checks themselves in, they want the help. It's not until the drugs wear off before addiction kicks in and they no longer want help because they can't look past their next fix. The mentally challenged and children do not have rights to check themselves out, that's up to their caretakers. If addiction is a disease it's no different than autism, in that the states view them as not being capable of making the best choices on their own behalf.

Now before anyone goes off and says the addict has to make that choice on their own, I am specifically speaking in regards to those that initially choose to get help on their own or homelessness.

At the very least, if an addict goes into a medical facility seeking help or treatment, the facility should be made to hold the individual there for 3 to 5 days for detox. as well as put in the paperwork to have their license suspended. I know they can get your license taken away as that's how my father lost his. And he can not get it back until a medical professional clears him from his illness.
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Old 02-29-2016, 12:36 PM
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My guess on why you think you'd get closure if you knew which drugs, is there would be an element of control. At least you'd know Something for Certain in this crazy disease called addiction.

I too have an addict brother. Goes from alcohol to crack (still don't know which year he went from Coke to crack) and did steroids (heard he's off now) for years. I'm working on peace within myself and no contact. I just keep reminding myself that he's not a reasonable, rational or kind person anymore. Good luck and Hugs to you! Take care of YOU -- first and foremost!
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Old 02-29-2016, 05:08 PM
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Some antidepressants can cause pupils to be dilated.
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Old 03-02-2016, 05:33 PM
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Well, interesting series of events have transpired. My brother has started asking for help. But he needs someone to call his insurance company to find where they cover to get help, someone to make the calls for help figure out his plan, do everything he needs done for him that he should do on his own.

I still see this as BS. Even though he is trying to say he's detoxed himself, and needs other help to continue his sobriety, his pupils were blown and chained smoked like his life didn't depend on it.

So after my brother showed up unannounced at out father in laws business and broke down to my wife about how he wanted to come over to my place to talk, she sent him on his way over as they cant have an addict causing a scene in a restaurant. When he arrived at my place, his actions were all over the place. He was jumping onto craigslist to look up BS jobs (meanwhile he is 3 months away from a welding certification and he is still a functioning addict). Which shows me he is still looking at today not the future. Then between episodes of having to search for jobs, I had to make calls to his insurance company. Then he'd start talking and shows me the bruising on his arm from banging heroine. But follow it up with but I'm clean now for 4 days...No he's not. He may not be banging heroine for a few days, but def not detoxed.

Do i take this as a wake-up call on his behalf or the same old manipulation that comes from an addict? Ie, he tells you partial truth to cover up or divert your attention from something else.
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