I think it's over...please tell me it will be ok
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
I think it's over...please tell me it will be ok
Since I last posted, nothing much changed. AH has continued to not drink for about a month then inevitably fall off the wagon. He will attend a few aa meetings then stop going. It's been 3 years since he admitted he has a problem and no sponsor and no working the steps . The latest incident was him getting charged with dui about a month ago. He still continues to smoke weed. When he's not drinking, he still gets irritated easy and has the emotional capacity of a child. I told him a couple days ago I think we should end it. Deep down I was hoping again that this would get him to take recovery seriously. Obviously I have not enforced boundaries. even though I often fantasize about how nice it would be to not have to deal with his issues, I don't think the codependent in me is ready to let go of the dream that he could get better and we could be a happy family.
Well, I talked to him tonight and he's being very unemotional and just telling me it's over, let's stop kidding ourselves. He's ready to get divorced. Deep down I know he's right but I guess I just feel hurt because he seems to not care. Although I am sure he's putting on his strong face. He did tell me he's cried alone in his car and said he's willing to accept that "at least 50% is his fault, if not more" (um, yeah.) I thought perhaps we could separate for awhile and he said he'd think about it. Again, why is it like I'm the one pleading when I should be the one kicking him to the curb?! I'm just scared and ashamed...none of my family knows about our issues, which include him seeing escorts in the past. And then I think "how did I let myself get here?" I like to think I'm a smart person...I have my own law practice and do not need him in any way, shape, or form. Yet I guess he's just my security blanket, albeit a dysfunctional one.
I know my kids (5 and 2) will be better off. I have been soooo drained by this relationship I have not been the best mother I can be. My business has suffered a bit, as well. We are hoping we can still do things as a family. And the thought of ever meeting someone else is beyond terrifying! So many emotions. I met him when I was 22 and am now 35. I don't even know who I am as an adult without this toxic relationship, yet I feel so sad. Please anyone, words of advice! Thank you or reading.
Well, I talked to him tonight and he's being very unemotional and just telling me it's over, let's stop kidding ourselves. He's ready to get divorced. Deep down I know he's right but I guess I just feel hurt because he seems to not care. Although I am sure he's putting on his strong face. He did tell me he's cried alone in his car and said he's willing to accept that "at least 50% is his fault, if not more" (um, yeah.) I thought perhaps we could separate for awhile and he said he'd think about it. Again, why is it like I'm the one pleading when I should be the one kicking him to the curb?! I'm just scared and ashamed...none of my family knows about our issues, which include him seeing escorts in the past. And then I think "how did I let myself get here?" I like to think I'm a smart person...I have my own law practice and do not need him in any way, shape, or form. Yet I guess he's just my security blanket, albeit a dysfunctional one.
I know my kids (5 and 2) will be better off. I have been soooo drained by this relationship I have not been the best mother I can be. My business has suffered a bit, as well. We are hoping we can still do things as a family. And the thought of ever meeting someone else is beyond terrifying! So many emotions. I met him when I was 22 and am now 35. I don't even know who I am as an adult without this toxic relationship, yet I feel so sad. Please anyone, words of advice! Thank you or reading.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi jada, he may seem not to care, but I'm sure he does. He also recognises that he's not giving up drinking any time soon, and that it's making your relationship unworkable. He's right; you know it but you're still understandably scared and upset.
If you can, put your fears into a compartment, and start quietly working through what you need to do now. Seek legal advice about your rights and the probable outlines of a financial settlement. I suggest you don't postpone this step. There's often a short period when a couple decided to separate/divorce where they have good will towards each other. This often disappears when splitting money and possessions starts getting real.
As for your family, are they likely to support you? Families can be a pain at times, but when you're in trouble they rally around, and I hope yours is like this. You can set some boundaries early about what you will and won't discuss.
I know this is a hard time for you. Use the support you have around you and go easy on yourself.
If you can, put your fears into a compartment, and start quietly working through what you need to do now. Seek legal advice about your rights and the probable outlines of a financial settlement. I suggest you don't postpone this step. There's often a short period when a couple decided to separate/divorce where they have good will towards each other. This often disappears when splitting money and possessions starts getting real.
As for your family, are they likely to support you? Families can be a pain at times, but when you're in trouble they rally around, and I hope yours is like this. You can set some boundaries early about what you will and won't discuss.
I know this is a hard time for you. Use the support you have around you and go easy on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
The end of a relationship, even a bad one, can feel like a failure. Change is very hard for most people, ending a marriage is ending an identity.
If you can, try and detach from the thoughts that meander around in HIS brain. You say he seems not to care - I don't think that it is. Getting to the point of ending a relationship necessitates withdrawal and detachment. In a relationship with an addict usually there comes the time when a partner draws the line. You aren't being told that your husband doesn't love you or your kids - he is saying, without saying it, that he recognizes his addiction can no longer be part of your family unit, and he isn't going to give it up.
Shame causes people to not do a lot of things that they should. Your family want the best for you, you may be surprised that they know more than they have let on. We can only keep the facade up for so long........
You do owe your children the opportunity to a healthy, and prosperous life. They will not get it living with an addict parent, they will most likely end up being an ACOA with many, many issues. If your business is suffering, your children suffering, and YOU are suffering its time to go.
If you can, try and detach from the thoughts that meander around in HIS brain. You say he seems not to care - I don't think that it is. Getting to the point of ending a relationship necessitates withdrawal and detachment. In a relationship with an addict usually there comes the time when a partner draws the line. You aren't being told that your husband doesn't love you or your kids - he is saying, without saying it, that he recognizes his addiction can no longer be part of your family unit, and he isn't going to give it up.
Shame causes people to not do a lot of things that they should. Your family want the best for you, you may be surprised that they know more than they have let on. We can only keep the facade up for so long........
You do owe your children the opportunity to a healthy, and prosperous life. They will not get it living with an addict parent, they will most likely end up being an ACOA with many, many issues. If your business is suffering, your children suffering, and YOU are suffering its time to go.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It WILL be OK. And FYI, you don't have to disclose any of the details to friends or family unless you want to. All you need to say is that it has been a difficult situation but you've both concluded this is the best solution for everyone. Some might try to tell you to "try harder" unless you reveal all the gory details. All you have to do is to keep repeating that the details are personal, but that you have considered everything very carefully and this is what you need to do.
It really WILL be OK. There are lots and lots of single professional moms out there who do just fine. It's an adjustment but one you are up to.
Hugs,
It really WILL be OK. There are lots and lots of single professional moms out there who do just fine. It's an adjustment but one you are up to.
Hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jada.....You WILL be o.k........millions of other women have done it or are doing it.....
Maybe, you can draw some strength from that.....
There is a website.....WomansDivorce.com....which give you advice from almost every angle of divorce that you can think of.....It is also organized by state in terms of legal issues....
While it cannot take the place of seeing your own lawyer.....it appears to be very educational, in nature.....
This might be a very useful resource, for you, right now....
Also, you could use the support of your alanon group, again........
Finding your own counselor or therapist for support is always a good idea, in my opinion.....
The more p roac tive you are, the easier this road will be for you.....but, don't expect it to be totally painless.....
LOL....it is better to pray for strength....rather than the abolition of of pain....
It is short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
dandylion
Maybe, you can draw some strength from that.....
There is a website.....WomansDivorce.com....which give you advice from almost every angle of divorce that you can think of.....It is also organized by state in terms of legal issues....
While it cannot take the place of seeing your own lawyer.....it appears to be very educational, in nature.....
This might be a very useful resource, for you, right now....
Also, you could use the support of your alanon group, again........
Finding your own counselor or therapist for support is always a good idea, in my opinion.....
The more p roac tive you are, the easier this road will be for you.....but, don't expect it to be totally painless.....
LOL....it is better to pray for strength....rather than the abolition of of pain....
It is short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
jada, I found this online and printed it out for myself when XAH was moving out and I was finally at the very, very end of it all and scared. I hope you find it helpful too.
This Will Pass
Breathe. You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
This Will Pass
Breathe. You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Jada,
Reading your post brought so many thoughts through my mind.
I started dating my XAH when I was 15 years old. We were together 35 years until I could no longer accept unacceptable behavior. I could not even comprehend being single, but I did it. I survived the divorce, the moving, setting up a new home, the new job, everything I survived and you can too.
You state that "I often fantasize about how nice it would be to not have to deal with his issues" OMG. Everyone on this forum does. The day you divorce, he is no longer "your" responsibility. You give him to God to watch over him. It is like 10 thousand tons of bricks taken off your shoulders. For the last few years of my marriage I would say the serenity prayer maybe a thousand times a day/night. In the 15 months since my divorce, I have not said it ONCE. I don't need to, that was my prayer to survive my life with an addict. I am not living with active addiction, so I can say other prayers.
I feel so BLESSED in my life today. I have a little home, with my old dog, a great relatinship with my kids, a good job, I am so blessed. Dont get me wrong, I still "love" my AXH, but would never go back into that insanity of living with an alcoholic/drug addict/narcissistic/ lying man. Never again.
You can do this and we are here to help you along the way. If someone had told me that there would be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I would have told them that they were "high". I am here to tell you that there is, and you will find that peace and serenity and that pot of gold.
Hugs my friend, you will get through this, you are brave and you will soar!!
Reading your post brought so many thoughts through my mind.
I started dating my XAH when I was 15 years old. We were together 35 years until I could no longer accept unacceptable behavior. I could not even comprehend being single, but I did it. I survived the divorce, the moving, setting up a new home, the new job, everything I survived and you can too.
You state that "I often fantasize about how nice it would be to not have to deal with his issues" OMG. Everyone on this forum does. The day you divorce, he is no longer "your" responsibility. You give him to God to watch over him. It is like 10 thousand tons of bricks taken off your shoulders. For the last few years of my marriage I would say the serenity prayer maybe a thousand times a day/night. In the 15 months since my divorce, I have not said it ONCE. I don't need to, that was my prayer to survive my life with an addict. I am not living with active addiction, so I can say other prayers.
I feel so BLESSED in my life today. I have a little home, with my old dog, a great relatinship with my kids, a good job, I am so blessed. Dont get me wrong, I still "love" my AXH, but would never go back into that insanity of living with an alcoholic/drug addict/narcissistic/ lying man. Never again.
You can do this and we are here to help you along the way. If someone had told me that there would be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I would have told them that they were "high". I am here to tell you that there is, and you will find that peace and serenity and that pot of gold.
Hugs my friend, you will get through this, you are brave and you will soar!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I split with Ah #1 when my boys were three and six. I raised in myself and believe me there were struggles but I would not trade it for anything knowing that they did not have to be raised in a home with an alcoholic. We are extremely close now and their dad missed out on watching them grow up and he still misses out on spending time with them to this date. My boys are now 27 and 24 and wonderful wonderful men. It was scary but I did it and I know you can do it too. I unfortunately ended up marrying ah#2 and I'm separated from him now and the thought of moving forward is terrifying for me now. I didn't think twice about leaving my first alcoholic husband because I really knew in my heart it was the best thing for my kids but now my kids are grown. You need to do what is best for you and your kids they are very lucky to have you and there are wonderful people here to support you I am so grateful for this site. I don't know how much advice I have to give you except for you are stronger than you think and if I can do it you can do it. I have faith in you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Thank you everyone for your messages of support. They have been very uplifting. I confided in my brother and brother-in-law about everything. They have been very supportive. Additionally, I have 2 best girlfriends who were the only ones who knew about our issues and they have been there for me. I was having 2nd thoughts, but luckily, AH reinforced everything when we were talking yesterday and he told me he's a grown man and doesn't need to be told what to do anymore. For example, whether he has a sponsor or not is not my burden to bear. *Sigh.* I can see he's now at the point where he is not open to working on the issues he has.
I do know that I focus too much on him and went back to Al-Anon last night. It really helped to settle my mind a bit and remember that I just need to take everything one day at a time and focus on me. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and am committed to making that a priority.
It's also very hard because even though he has not been able to stay 100% sober, life with him has never been the situation where he is on benders for days at a time and crazy chaos. He is still my best friend and I think that is probably the part I am mourning the most... We were supposed to go on a trip to Mexico this week, sponsored by his work. It will be a relief when he leaves on Wednesday because we've been living together still, and for the most part, things have been normal.
I do know that I focus too much on him and went back to Al-Anon last night. It really helped to settle my mind a bit and remember that I just need to take everything one day at a time and focus on me. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and am committed to making that a priority.
It's also very hard because even though he has not been able to stay 100% sober, life with him has never been the situation where he is on benders for days at a time and crazy chaos. He is still my best friend and I think that is probably the part I am mourning the most... We were supposed to go on a trip to Mexico this week, sponsored by his work. It will be a relief when he leaves on Wednesday because we've been living together still, and for the most part, things have been normal.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
he told me he's a grown man and doesn't need to be told what to do anymore. For example, whether he has a sponsor or not is not my burden to bear.
I was a lucky one there - if only I had listened.
He is a grown man - he can choose to drink himself to death if he wants. You can choose a much, much better life. HUGS - I know the pain well.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jada....I must admit that I read your last paragraph over and over.....
The part where you say that things have been mostly normal.....
I had the impression, from your posts, that the marriage has been in conflict and discontent for quite a while......?
dandylion
The part where you say that things have been mostly normal.....
I had the impression, from your posts, that the marriage has been in conflict and discontent for quite a while......?
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by dandylion 
jada....I must admit that I read your last paragraph over and over.....
The part where you say that things have been mostly normal.....
I had the impression, from your posts, that the marriage has been in conflict and discontent for quite a while......?
dandylion
The part where you say that things have been mostly normal.....
I had the impression, from your posts, that the marriage has been in conflict and discontent for quite a while......?
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Just wanted to write a quick update. I told my mother (who I was dreading telling.) She and my father both are ACOAs and although we have our issues, she was very supportive and said they will be able to help me financially if needed. I've contacted a lawyer and am ready to move forward. I was thinking how if I was going on the trip to Mexico with AH, I'd be running around doing everything right now...arranging for the kids to get to my brother's which is 3 hours away, packing, making sure we have pesos. This time, he will have to handle everything himself. It's a good feeling.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Jada,
I can so relate to what you are going through. I just recently left my AH (one month)...it was really hard...but we were both in a toxic situation..him drinking...arguments..my codependency out of control...it was not good for either of us or the kids...deep down I clung onto the hope that he would quit drinking, get help...I would work on my codependency and we would go back to the happy times of our marriage...but it went on for too long..I had to make a change...or nothing would change...
I still love him...that will not go away...but I was losing myself...I use to be fun and happy. I miss him too..I do get lonely but I am trying to stay busy. I have two kids to take care of and they are my priority now.
I recently read this quote: "There's nothing you can do to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves." This is so true for me right now.
It sounds like you are doing what is best for you and your children..,.
Hugs to you...
I can so relate to what you are going through. I just recently left my AH (one month)...it was really hard...but we were both in a toxic situation..him drinking...arguments..my codependency out of control...it was not good for either of us or the kids...deep down I clung onto the hope that he would quit drinking, get help...I would work on my codependency and we would go back to the happy times of our marriage...but it went on for too long..I had to make a change...or nothing would change...
I still love him...that will not go away...but I was losing myself...I use to be fun and happy. I miss him too..I do get lonely but I am trying to stay busy. I have two kids to take care of and they are my priority now.
I recently read this quote: "There's nothing you can do to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves." This is so true for me right now.
It sounds like you are doing what is best for you and your children..,.
Hugs to you...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
