Turtle76

Just thought I would check in after my RABFs first week home from treatment. It has been a serious eye opener. Boy were y'all right about keeping expectations low. He is pretty emotionally flat, quiet, and irritable. There are moments of lightness and even a few smiles and laughs though.

As for me, all I can say is WOW. Now that I have learned so much about addiction and its effects on loved ones, my brand of crazy is on full display to myself with him and I under the same roof. Before he left, I dont think I fully grasped what all this had done to me. I get it now. I cant believe how controlling I want to be. Ive done a pretty good job of keeping my mouth shut, but I want to control EVERYTHING.... how he makes a sandwich, which shoes he buys, etc.. ive got the duct tape on, but occasionally something slips out.

I had also started to make a connection between shame and perfectionism, and im seeing that creep in all over the place too. I definitely want everything to be perfect, including him. I find myself over looking his progress, in order to focus on what more he could be doing. In reality, I am just projecting my own bull#$@! on him. Im trying to reign in my focus... keeping it on myself, and letting him walk his own path, while I walk mine. This is hard stuff. I am so grateful for all the support I am receiving between here, my therapist, my alanon group, and my friends. If you are new to all of this and on this forum trying to figure it all out by yourself, please know that you need help and support. I could never do this by myself.

Well, thats about it for today. Off to start my day and keep my daily mantras of "let Go, let God" and "progress, not perfection" close by. Hope y'all are having a good day. 🐢

honeypig

Turtle, it sounds like your eyes are open and you're learning, seeing and making changes. I'm glad you're remembering to think of all this in terms of "progress, not perfection"--it's just too overwhelming otherwise!

Keep moving along, slow and steady, my Turtle friend!

Turtle76

Thanks honeypig! And that is exactly why I chose my name Turtle 😀. I also just now read Today's Hope and yet again, read exactly what I needed to hear today.

hopeful4

I know it's so hard. I personally have a lot of tendencies to be a controlling person anyways, so it can peek out at a moments notice LOL.

Just keep on working on you, and keep that support network for yourself a big one. That is so important.

Many hugs.

LexieCat

I think you're making FANTASTIC progress. For some people it takes years and years to even admit the POSSIBILITY that they have their own issues to address.

Keep trying to see those boundaries between his side of the street and your own. Keep breathing.

LOL, my first husband (36 years sober) still likes to laugh about how I once told him, during a difficult day, to "Go call Joe [his sponsor] and tell him not to bring you back until you're FIXED." Joe wasn't his sponsor till after he had been sober for a few years, so yeah--it takes some time.

Bekindalways

Lexiecat that is too funny.

Turtle, come sit next to me. Sigh. Keeping my sticky little paws to myself is so hard for me.