Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

I still cannot forgive my alcoholic father after he two years sober.



I still cannot forgive my alcoholic father after he two years sober.

Old 02-24-2016, 02:32 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 31
I still cannot forgive my alcoholic father after he two years sober.

When I was eleven, I was put into foster care with my sister. My dad was in a 90 day rehab and my mom had schizophrenia and refused to work so we would have starved to death if my dad didn't call DCF. He basically gave us away because he couldn't get sober, and leave my mother and go take care of us. The next eight years of my life were hell. I went from my grandmas house, where i was kicked out, to a friend of my sister's house, whose family kicked us out, and finally me and my sister were out with this disabled woman who basically used us as slaves to clean her house. I won't go into detail, but we knew that we were not really wanted, and were only valued for our housework the entire time we lived there. My sister moved out at 18, and I was able to get put in my sisters custody when I was 16. The whole time when this was going on, my dad was drinking, constantly making promises about how we would be moving in with him, and then letting us down. My dad finally got sober three years ago, when I was seventeen and living with my sister.
Flash forward two years, I also have a substance abuse problem. It seriously damaged mine and my sisters relationship, and I had to go live with my schizophrenic mom for a while. The whole time this happened my dad would say things like "if you can't find anywhere to go, you can stay with me is my studio apartment" half jokingly. Finally things got so bad around there with my mom, and I wound up with two dui's. At this same time, my dad got his inheritance from his mom, several hundred thousand. He has now moved me in to the apartment next to him, and is making me go to AA. He completely controls every aspect of my life, and has made comments that he would kick me out if I stopped going to AA. He is a very insecure, anxiety-ridden yet self-righteous man who has no other close family or friends other than me and my sister. i relapsed a couple months ago, and I remember him telling me that I "disgusted him" and making me walk to work and things like that.
I finally got fed up with this whole thing when we were at a meeting together and he said, semi-jokingly, that he "can't wait to hear the ninth step amends I make to him", and looked at me. I guess he thought this was funny because a lot of people know about my dui's and how he got me a lawyer and takes care of me. That irritated me. Then finally, the other day he was talking about my sister, who lives with her boyfriend and drinks pretty heavily. Her boyfriend is leaving town for a couple weeks, and my dad said he worries about how much she will drink and party without him there. He then said "maybe I should move her in the apartment next to you so i can keep an eye on her". This didn't strike me as funny. Since I have been living with my dad, I don't even go out. I know if I started going on dates and doing things with friends it would cause a fight, because he says that's not a good idea since I might be tempted to drink or do drugs this early in sobriety. I basically keep him company all the time. I pay all my own bills except for rent, my college and health care are state-funded since I was in foster care. My dad mentions things semi-frequently about how much money he has paid for my lawyer, and how he pays for my rent and stuff like that. I just feel like yeah, he has finally stepped in to help, but he has gotten off soooo easy. Me and my sister have a relationship with him, and we spend the holidays and things with him. My life basically revolves around him and AA. And he is fine with it. I jam just very resentful towards him at this point. Now that he has stepped in to be the father he never was, using his inheritance money, he has decided he wants to run my life and tell me that I have to get sober at twenty years old or risk him kicking me out. Does it sound like my anger is justified or am I just being greedy and entitled? I would like to hear an outsiders perspective. thanks for reading!
khendal46 is offline  
Old 02-24-2016, 03:00 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It sounds to me like you have suffered a great deal in your young life, and for that I am very sorry. Your situation is kind of complicated, in that you DO need to get sober (or alcohol will ruin the rest of your life), but your relationship with your Dad sounds extremely toxic and unhealthy for you. (Probably for him, too, but that's his problem.)

Since you have been under State care for a long time, do you have a social worker you can talk to? I know school is important to you, but it seems like the most pressing problems right now are your drinking and having to live under your father's thumb. A good social worker should be able to help you figure out a plan that will accomplish this. I would make you, and your healing, your number one priority right now. Your father is a grown man and it isn't your job to provide a social or family life for him. You can pay him back for the lawyer, if you're so inclined, at some point in the future. First things first (to coin a phrase).

I'd suggest as another good first step finding an AA meeting of your own and sharing NOTHING about your recovery with your father. You sound like a very strong and determined young person. I think you can achieve great things, but not if you are enslaved by alcohol or by your relationship with your father.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 02-24-2016, 06:14 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Khendal......I suggest that you look into AdultChildren of Alcoholics.....and consider attending meetings to get support for yourself (and perhaps your sister, also)......In addition to your ususal AA meetings, of course.....
It would mean so much for you to be fact to face with others who have h ad similar experiences as yourself......

I also underline Lexie's advice to you........

I hope that you continue to read, here, and stay around for the support that you can get from others....
I commend you for coming for support...you are fortunate that you can work through these problems at your age...rather that waiting years and decades, like so many others........

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 02-25-2016, 06:01 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Sweetie - welcome to our SR family - I hate so much that you have been thru all of this at such a young age ~ it sounds like it was painful, heartbreaking and disappointing.

Although my story is a little different from yours, I think it does come to a similar choice for all of us ~ do we want to stay in the same state of unhealthiness or do we want something different for our life today & for our future.

That choice is ours ~ not about our parents, our siblings, our partners, or our children ~ Today, we can make the decision to say this is NOT how our story ends ~ we can take advantage of all the resources available to us through SR, AA, Al-Anon, private counseling, meetings, recovery literature and our personal relationship with our Higher Power to change our lives.

It's not easy ~ but it's worth it
YOU are worth it
Regardless of any of the actions of your sister, your dad, your mom, or anyone else in your life ~ YOU deserve to live happy, joyous and free ~ just like we all do ~ Please don't give up on yourself - not before the miracles happen again, YOU deserve it.

gentle pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 02-27-2016, 02:03 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You've been through a lot and no wonder you're a mix of emotions and resentment. Your father obviously has good intentions but doesn't know how to be a father who parents well. So give him some points for trying to save you. You know his faults and omissions and you have every reason to be angry but can you look at him now as at least trying to make up for the past, however misguidedly.

Concentrate on your own mental health and recovery now. You might benefit from learning to set boundaries and be assertive ( a counsellor should be able to refer you). Find support for your recovery that is separate from your father and that you're comfortable with. Once you and your father achieve some balance in your relationship you might find you become close to him at an adult to adult level.
FeelingGreat is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:52 AM.