One of those nights
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Gabrovo
Posts: 2
One of those nights
Hello,
I am a newcomer here and I hope I'm not in the wrong place. My father is an alcoholic since I was a child. I've always known that and I've accepted it, but in the last year it has become much harder. I've never written about that and just a few close friends know about it, but tonight I decided to find a place to share my story and ask a few questions. I apologize if this is not the right subforum.
As I said, my father is an alcoholic. About an year ago, after another 3-4 days of non-stop drinking, he got admitted to a hospital. He was puking blood, couldn't walk and talk, all because of alcohol. Ofcourse he refused treatment and when they patched him up, he went home. I thought that this was the wake up call he needed, but I was wrong. Everything remained the same. And now, just last week, he called me and told me that this may be the last time we speak. He felt that this time he wasn't able to survive the withdrawal. I felt genuine fear in his voice for the first time in my life. He lives with my mother and my brother's family. My mother is a nurse and she always helps him recover. This time she gave her all. They live in another country so I don't see them, but I tried my best to support him, we talked frequently over the phone and I was just trying to keep him distracted and not thinking about alcohol. And today, after coming home from work, she found him lying in bed with an empty bottle of vodka near him. I sincerely believed that this time things will be different, and she did too. Now she's feeling guilty that she couldn't help him and it's affecting her health alot. He's hating himself for not being able to quit and right now he is in the aggresive stage, swearing and drinking in his dark room. He will probably fall asleep and then wake up in the early morning just to start drinking again.
I fear that he won't be able to survive this. Last week he couldn't even walk after the binge. The thought of my miserable father slowly drinking himself to death in his dark room completely takes over my brain and I can't focus on anything else. Is there hope? I was looking at some rehab facilities in his area but I just don't know how to get him to agree. I proposed AA but the only way to get him to a meeting is to drag him by force. He is a smart man and I think he understood the risk of drinking again, so does he have a death wish? I tried telling him that he has a son and a family to live for, but apparently the craving is stronger. I guess I'm asking how can I help him and how to cope with all that. Since I'm so far away from my family there's rarely anything I can do to help, and that's killing me. I feel like there's only one way out of this and I just don't want to accept that.
I apologize again if this is not the right place, I just wanted to vent and none of the people that know about this are near me.
I am a newcomer here and I hope I'm not in the wrong place. My father is an alcoholic since I was a child. I've always known that and I've accepted it, but in the last year it has become much harder. I've never written about that and just a few close friends know about it, but tonight I decided to find a place to share my story and ask a few questions. I apologize if this is not the right subforum.
As I said, my father is an alcoholic. About an year ago, after another 3-4 days of non-stop drinking, he got admitted to a hospital. He was puking blood, couldn't walk and talk, all because of alcohol. Ofcourse he refused treatment and when they patched him up, he went home. I thought that this was the wake up call he needed, but I was wrong. Everything remained the same. And now, just last week, he called me and told me that this may be the last time we speak. He felt that this time he wasn't able to survive the withdrawal. I felt genuine fear in his voice for the first time in my life. He lives with my mother and my brother's family. My mother is a nurse and she always helps him recover. This time she gave her all. They live in another country so I don't see them, but I tried my best to support him, we talked frequently over the phone and I was just trying to keep him distracted and not thinking about alcohol. And today, after coming home from work, she found him lying in bed with an empty bottle of vodka near him. I sincerely believed that this time things will be different, and she did too. Now she's feeling guilty that she couldn't help him and it's affecting her health alot. He's hating himself for not being able to quit and right now he is in the aggresive stage, swearing and drinking in his dark room. He will probably fall asleep and then wake up in the early morning just to start drinking again.
I fear that he won't be able to survive this. Last week he couldn't even walk after the binge. The thought of my miserable father slowly drinking himself to death in his dark room completely takes over my brain and I can't focus on anything else. Is there hope? I was looking at some rehab facilities in his area but I just don't know how to get him to agree. I proposed AA but the only way to get him to a meeting is to drag him by force. He is a smart man and I think he understood the risk of drinking again, so does he have a death wish? I tried telling him that he has a son and a family to live for, but apparently the craving is stronger. I guess I'm asking how can I help him and how to cope with all that. Since I'm so far away from my family there's rarely anything I can do to help, and that's killing me. I feel like there's only one way out of this and I just don't want to accept that.
I apologize again if this is not the right place, I just wanted to vent and none of the people that know about this are near me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you ARE in the right place. i am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us!!
dealing with an active alcoholic parent is a tricky business. that you are a distance away is probably a good thing for you, even if it leaves you feeling helpless to some degree. the thing is, NO ONE can make him quit drinking....there is a lot of very good HELP out there for alcoholics and the best you can do is OFFER that information. there is no harm in forwarding brochures or pamphlets to treatment centers, and no harm letting you father know how much you love him and how much you believe he needs to recovery a chance and that treatment could provide him with the best way to go about that.
but you also have to be realistic and accept he MAY NOT change. i am not saying he is doomed, only that long-term late stage older alcoholics can have a very low recovery rate. my own mother died at 57 and i don't recall her once ever even attempting recovery. let's hope you dad becomes willing.....there is always hope.
dealing with an active alcoholic parent is a tricky business. that you are a distance away is probably a good thing for you, even if it leaves you feeling helpless to some degree. the thing is, NO ONE can make him quit drinking....there is a lot of very good HELP out there for alcoholics and the best you can do is OFFER that information. there is no harm in forwarding brochures or pamphlets to treatment centers, and no harm letting you father know how much you love him and how much you believe he needs to recovery a chance and that treatment could provide him with the best way to go about that.
but you also have to be realistic and accept he MAY NOT change. i am not saying he is doomed, only that long-term late stage older alcoholics can have a very low recovery rate. my own mother died at 57 and i don't recall her once ever even attempting recovery. let's hope you dad becomes willing.....there is always hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Gabrovo
Posts: 2
Thank you for reading all that, it really helps. And I'm sorry for what happened to you, nobody should go trough this.
You are right about me not living with him, I used to but it was long time ago. I was a kid then and most of the time I was just afraid that he'd show up drunk again. He tends to get aggresive and just gives a hard time on everybody. I guess if I was living with him right now I woulnd't be feeling so compassionate , it's just awful to have him around you when he's drunk. Up until now I believed his excuses and justifications for his drinking, I was trying to be understanding to him, but that just makes things worse. When I get the chance to talk to him, I'll offer him the option to seek help or continue on this path and leave him be. As you said, nobody can make him stop. It's just the moment when you have to say to yourself "i've done all I can, nothing depends on me now", that's what I find the hardest. But people will do what they want to do.
Thanks again for posting, It feels good to talk about it and hear from people that have been there. This seems like a great community and I'll be lurking
) Hope you are all doing okay.
You are right about me not living with him, I used to but it was long time ago. I was a kid then and most of the time I was just afraid that he'd show up drunk again. He tends to get aggresive and just gives a hard time on everybody. I guess if I was living with him right now I woulnd't be feeling so compassionate , it's just awful to have him around you when he's drunk. Up until now I believed his excuses and justifications for his drinking, I was trying to be understanding to him, but that just makes things worse. When I get the chance to talk to him, I'll offer him the option to seek help or continue on this path and leave him be. As you said, nobody can make him stop. It's just the moment when you have to say to yourself "i've done all I can, nothing depends on me now", that's what I find the hardest. But people will do what they want to do.
Thanks again for posting, It feels good to talk about it and hear from people that have been there. This seems like a great community and I'll be lurking
) Hope you are all doing okay.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, welcome to SR. As heartbreaking as it is, apart from locking him up, he will either drink or seek help entirely by his own decision. Some A's just never get to the point where they can imagine a life without alcohol.
If you want to support someone, why not your mother? If she's blaming herself, it sounds like she would benefit from Al-anon meetings (for the family, not the A), as would you. There's no way she is to blame for his actions, in fact he has made her life harder than it could have been.
But they are both adults and although you care about them, they are adults who make their own choices.
If you want to support someone, why not your mother? If she's blaming herself, it sounds like she would benefit from Al-anon meetings (for the family, not the A), as would you. There's no way she is to blame for his actions, in fact he has made her life harder than it could have been.
But they are both adults and although you care about them, they are adults who make their own choices.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Welcome Radoko and you are very much in the right place.
It is very hard to accept that there is little to nothing you can do to help your father but for most of us who have been in relationships with alcoholics have found this to be true.
Please read everything you can about being in a relationship with an alcoholics/addicts. The stickies at the top of the thread are a good place to start. Also, as Feelinggreat suggested, find an Alanon meeting to attend. Try a few different ones if you can as everyone is a bit different.
It is very hard to accept that there is little to nothing you can do to help your father but for most of us who have been in relationships with alcoholics have found this to be true.
Please read everything you can about being in a relationship with an alcoholics/addicts. The stickies at the top of the thread are a good place to start. Also, as Feelinggreat suggested, find an Alanon meeting to attend. Try a few different ones if you can as everyone is a bit different.
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