lostangel011

So my husband started a new job today and all I can do is panic. It is good that he has a new job. What bothers me is they gave him a cell phone and an ipad of his own. One that I can't check. So now all the women he likes to flirt with on the internet and this HORRIBLE woman who used to date him and won't stop contacting him he can have unrestricted access too. I am so pissed! I blocked her number on our joint phone account but now he can do this freely and secretly.

Okay before you all tell me its my fault for staying and I should leave if he cheats please stop. I know what I SHOULD do and I also know what I can't do right now. Instead I am full of fear at this new unrestricted freedom he has. Yes the phone and tablet should be for business but this man is a liar and a cheat and a drunk and will find a way to use it for his pleasure seeking. I want to know how to handle this. I have NO control and I am hysterical inside.

Yes I am better off without him. I just want to believe with all my heart that he is done with the other women online and at the bars and this horrible ex (who by the way has a husband of her own and is extremely homely looking but loves him to death) and is going to be happy with me. I am good enough and why can't he see that I deserve his fidelity and honesty.

I am also upset because he has a gambling and spending problem and what if he decides not to direct deposit his checks into our account. When he got physical checks before half the time he would withdrawal a significant portion or cash the whole thing and go to the casino. All our/my money problems are because if his irresponsible spending habits. He wastes money like its toilet paper and spends it frivoulously like we are millionaires. He says he only lives once and who cares things will work out but life is to be lived. Well... we have rent, car payments and a motorcyle (two of which he insisted on having) in MY NAME only so I am financially responsible even though we are married and he doesn't give ****. We filed Chapter 7 this year and I signed reaffirmation agreements for the cars and bike. Still on the phone often with the lawyer about turning in the bike and walking away. I have time. So yeah I guess to get even and protect myself if he says he won't direct deposit the check I will give back the bike instantly. With these reaffirmation agreements if I default I am screwed because I can no longer put it in the BK and it will go as a negative on my credit in addition to the bankruptcy. I am always afraid of how he is going to screw me financially. It actually physically affects and hurts me. My chest tightens, I get into fear and anxiety and my whole body fills with anger and stress.

I am so controlling and any freedom he gets freaks me the hell out! He has too much now. I am scared the lease for the apartment is in my name only as well and the rent is so friggen high. Luckily the lease is up in June and we can get out no matter what. I guess the time between now and then will tell me if I move with or without him. I do have my mom to help if things went to hell and I left him. I could live with her rent free and she most likely would help me cover the loss on the car if I had to sell his.. we are upside down in it and will lose thousands trying to sell it unfortunatly. It was a stupid purchase that he insistend on without relenting till I gave in (don't ask me why I am smart with money and knew it was a reckless choice but I wanted so badly to believe he would step up and be different this time and it was during the time he was sober for 6 months after his attempt at treatment).

What do I do?? All of you tell me to stop checking up on him.. I can't and won't but I guess I am being forced to take your advice because now he has technology that I will never be able to see. Jerk can't just use it for work I will bet my life on it he will use it for his womanizing and self seeking ways.

Why do I stay? Why in the world am I so scared to leave. Logic tells me that by leaving things can only go one way and that is up and that if I leave it will all be so much better but I can't. I have all this hope that it will go back to how it was, that he will turn back into the man I fell in love with and that he will realize he can't do better than me and change it and start appreciating me. I don't have a history of successful relationships. I always have gotten my heart broken and been humilated in some way by being left in each one. I guess my self esteem is so shot that I will never get to be loved by the right person.

When I was single I learned how to love myself and I was happier than I had ever been. Maybe I am meant to be alone. I hear all this crap that I can't love or be loved till I love myself but thats not true because I was in such a good place when I met this man and look what happened anyway.

Its a bad day. I am full of fear and pain of all the things I am thinking he is going to do to screw me over and hurt me. He hasn't even done them yet and I am panicking as if he did.

Help! How do I go on like this. I can't leave I still want to see if it can work but what do I do to maintain some kind of sanity in this mess? I don't even leave the house because I am afraid of what he will get into if I leave him alone too long. He asked if he could take his motorcycle to the bar tonight for sport bike night. I want to say NO! It is not okay and maybe he already made plans to meet some hoe there. Its NOT okay. Last night he was online shopping for expensive shoes and new clothes saying he needs to look good to do well at this job and I told him to slow his roll he will impress by his efforts and contributions. He said image is just as important. He is already spending his paycheck before he has it (and we are behind because he has been out of work for a month! see what I mean about reckless and stupid about money) and a tax return we are getting this week (I want to save that for my rainy day fund and emergencies and maybe something nice for once for me but mostly to finally have savings) but no he is putting crap in a shopping cart online for me to buy friggen $200 pairs of shoes at least 4. He is making an appointment to get his tattoo done and talking about all the new suits he needs! Its out of control. Fortunately I control the money he can't have his own bank account because he bounced checks on his old one and is in chexsystems so I did not buy any of the stuff though I am anticpating a fight and being called a greedy money grubbing bitch who only cares about money and maybe I should have married a rich doctor. Its crap I am the least matierialistic person in the world, he is! I work in finance and until him (save for when I was in my addiction) I have always lived within my means comfortably with the ability to splurge when I could afford it and not acquire debt. It took me years to build my credit back after my addiction and its a priority and a value to live fiscally responsible but he turns it around and tells me I am stupid and greedy for doing that and all I care about is being rich and about money and hoarding it. Not so and I know that but you all know what its like to fight with an insane person who knows how to argue with you to make you feel like the crazy one.

Yes I am learning I am in an abusive situation thought still the fact that his law enforcement mind says if its not physical it doesn't count because there are no laws to protect you from that. Complaining about abusive language and treatment is whiny and weak minded... sticks and stones.. I did punch him in the arm once HARD because I was so angry at him and he said THAT was abuse, I am the abuser and he had marks and could have had me arrested.. then dwells on the fact that i beat him and hurt him ... mind you this is a 6'1 210 pound man who is strong and has had years of police conditioning yet I bruised him so when I bring up abusive behavior now he just points out the law code I broke and how my abuse is arrestable and his is just me being sensitive... soooo anyway that tangent aside what can I do? I can't leave yet, I am not ready, I don't want to and my DS needs me and I don't want to leave him with his father and since he is my step son I would have to.

I called my AH this weekend on his CL activity and he lied and lied and denied even though it was in black and white in front of us he made up some crap about being spammed. I shut down, said I am leaving for the weekend and until he can decide he wants me he has until June to find a new place and good for him for having a job now it keeps him from needing to depend on me. Went upstairs and he kissed my ass all weekend. Told me how much he loves me and I am the only one, he doesn't need anyone else, I am enough all I wanted to hear and he has been so nice.. He is still being nice but this job and his freedom with that has my phyiscally in pain and anxiety before he even has acted on it YET.

Help... what can I do for myself to gain some sanity since I am too afraid to give up on this marriage yet?

SparkleKitty

Big hugs, lostangel. I know your pain and frustration. I wish I had a magic answer for you.

I can only tell you that one of the biggest steps in my recovery was accepting people, situations, and things for what they really were, as opposed to what I wished they were or wanted them to be. Until I did, all I did was try to control and change everything and everyone around me into how I wanted it, instead of controlling and changing myself and my responses to life -- which was the only thing I had any chance of changing anyway. Letting go of my eternal "wishes" was the only thing that saved my sanity in the end.

I saw a therapist who helped me through my issues. I also spent as much time as I could with people who were healthy, who were nice to me, who let me know they appreciated me and accepted me for exactly who I was, warts and all. Those people were terrific mirrors and really helped me build up a healthy self-esteem, which I had always lacked growing up as the child of an alcoholic mother and a severely codependent father. That self-esteem helped me make healthy choices and understand that happiness and contentment come from within myself, not from external relationships or material things. It was a long journey I thought would never end. But the good news is, it actually doesn't end, it just gets better.

Sending you strength and courage. Please keep posting. We really do understand where you are at and want to support you as best we can.

Ariesagain

Give up. Detach. If you can't/won't leave, you need to stop believing that he will ever ever do, say, or be what you want because living this life of paranoia and policing his every move will kill you. Stress kills, it really does.

Of course you're controlling. Who wouldn't be?

Let him do whatever he wants. Take what money you can extract from him and stash it for when you're ready to leave. Maybe go to your mom's for a week, give yourself some time to breathe, and practice letting him do whatever without you running after him trying to save him from himself?

Maybe a miracle will happen...but usually it doesn't.

P.S. "why can't he see that I deserve his fidelity and honesty."

He has none to give. Period.

Sending you a hug.

AnvilheadII

I am too afraid to give up on this marriage yet?

after all you have described, with his laundry list of addictions and predilections, and how it is obvious he is solely and entirely consumed with SELF, i'd have to ask......

what marriage? kissing your @ss because he's been a naughty boy doesn't count.

When I was single I learned how to love myself and I was happier than I had ever been. Maybe I am meant to be alone. I hear all this crap that I can't love or be loved till I love myself but thats not true because I was in such a good place when I met this man and look what happened anyway.

HE turned out to be an unhealthy choice FOR YOU. you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber and i think you've got yourself a pickle. a very mean nasty pickle. he's going to crush your spirit, if you allow it.

jjj111

It sounds like your jealousy keeps you stuck. On the one hand, you see that he is not a great partner, but on the other hand you're consumed by the fear that someone else might get a piece of him. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it doesn't sound like there's much to be jealous of if another woman gets involved with him. I think feeling sorry for her would be more logical than feeling angry at or jealous of her.

lostangel011

He already has crushed my spirit. Just trying to salvage what I can now

Needabreak

This sentence jumped out at me. What you're expressing here is not normal at all in a relationship between 2 adults. It's not love. You flat out don't trust this man.

But for some reason you don't want to acknowledge to yourself that you don't trust him. You're putting your lack of trust into an effort to control him, but this control that you speak of is just an illusion. A way to avoid facing the fact that you don't trust him, that you have good reason (in my opinion) not to trust him, and all that this means.

Your story touched me, because it was when I realized that I flat out didn't trust my ex, and that I had very good reason not to, that was when I was finally able to take a good look at myself and start figuring out why I was trying to suppress that little voice deep within me, and ask myself why I was choosing to stay with someone who I did not trust, and who had shown himself to be so untrustworthy.

dandylion

lostangel.....You have posted that you have had various therapies in the past...

can you tell us what kind of help/therapy you are getting, presently, today?

I notice that you posted to desert Eyes that you would be ch ecking into local CODA meetings.......

dandylion

lostangel011

You are correct on one end I do not trust him! Not one bit. You are wrong in that I don't want to admit it. I know I don't but deep down I want to be able to again. I want him to want to really earn it back. But yes I wonder if even he does everything perfect for the rest of his life I would always check to make sure he wasn't hiding anything. I don't know. I just want him to stop doing this nasty **** and realize I am worth his honesty and loyalty.

Yeah I have been asked my my therapist point blank can I deal with this because people don't change. The answer is no I can't but I guess I am just naive in praying he will STOP this nonsense. There is not good reason for him to throw away and disregard someone who loves him and is everything he should respect. Who knows at this point I am wondering if I am am worth it to anyone.

Needabreak

These two sentences contradict one-another.

If you don't trust him, then are you really sure that it is love that you feel for him? And not something else?

lostangel011

I am currently not in regular therapy. NOT for a lack of not trying. I had a wonderful therapist for years who I loved and could work with so succesfully but she closed her practice to teach full time. She is still available as a friend to me and an ear to listen. We text and go to lunch when we can. She helps but honestly I have tried so many (That my insurance will allow) and NONE worked yet. I give it my all and try them for at least 3 months before I switch. I have new insurance so maybe the options will be better. But its exhausting because a new therapist requires you to tell your whole story all over again and that is draining! too draining but I try.

I tired alanon as you know. I found some CODA locally I will check it out. That's where I am.

AnvilheadII

and realize I am worth his honesty and loyalty.

and what makes you think he gives a rip or even has the capacity TODAY to be honest and loyal??? as they say, don't go to the hardware store for bread. you want HIM to validate you and there is no room for an empathy towards another. he can't and won't - in fact he seems to get his kicks from keeping you beat down, not lifted up.

can you TRY to pull your focus OFF of him? change the channel for five minutes? he's going to do whatever it is he's going to do, whether you can monitor that or track him or not. he'd be an idiot to use company equipment for other purposes, but then he isn't exactly the Mensa poster child.

dandylion

lostangel.....I think you could benefit from face-to-face interaction with other humans every day.....those who understand and don't judge.....
Why?.....because this hekps EVERYONE who is feeling like you are feeling.....CODA would be good, Your AA and/or NA meetings would be good....yes, finding a therapist would be good....and a Psychiatrist...if you are near a teaching University? They are medical doctors (also) and you probably could use a medical evaluation, with all the amxiety and stress that you are un der......
Also, your exercise classes that you used for your ED could only be helpful.....
By combining some/any/all of the above...you could have so me YOU time every day...at least an hour or more....

This. I am thinking, is a place to start....a baby step (or baby dance...lol...lol...).....

I have long observed that those who are willing to reach out for help and accept help are the people who get better.....

It won't hurt....

dandylion

Hawkeye13

Whatever else you do, I would not stay on the hook for him financially.
Turn in everything, focus on getting to the end of the lease, and move back
with your mom for just a little while to get some peace and give him an opportunity
to either get it together or not.
You controlling him hasn't worked and it won't.
If you want to give him a chance, you need to do that
but if you treat him like an untrustworthy child, he'll act like one.
It sounds to me like he will anyway, whatever you do, but that's your choice
to deal with or not.
But what I hear from your posts is a great deal of upset and panic, and that
you can control by taking yourself out of the situation and disentangling yourself
financially from him just for now.
It doesn't mean you can't move back in together, etc., it just means you are giving
yourself some space.
It really, really sounds like you cannot continue like this.
I would try the counseling again, or some sort of face-to-face support
this week--
I'm sorry you are suffering so much, but if you won't leave him,
please step back and take care of you for a little while.

lostangel011

I have a psychiatrist fro medication management but not therapy. I do go to exercise classes 5 nights a week after work.

Did just have a physical and was normal. Could use a follow up with the psychiatrist now that my new insurance kicked in. It's been about 2 months.

Yeah I agree I need people to talk to and who are there for support. My AA meetings are good but they are very clear that there are other meetings for my relationship issues.. The aa and NA help in my resolve not to relapse over this.

I'm alone and feel alone in my fear, anxiety and resentment and constant need to control the uncontrollable. I will try a CODA meeting next week when I can check the schedule against my work hours. There seemed to be a few locally I can try.

I have just been venting here as of late because it's all I have found.

redatlanta

I wonder if your failure in therapy might be because you approach your therapists in the same manner you have here. Are you aware that your posts ask people for advice while at the same time instructing them what you will and will not do, and what to say, and not to say to you? For example:

Okay before you all tell me its my fault for staying and I should leave if he cheats please stop. I know what I SHOULD do and I also know what I can't do right now

and....

What do I do?? All of you tell me to stop checking up on him.. I can't and won't but I guess I am being forced to take your advice because now he has technology that I will never be able to see.

and...

Help! How do I go on like this. I can't leave I still want to see if it can work but what do I do to maintain some kind of sanity in this mess?

and.....

what can I do? I can't leave yet, I am not ready, I don't want to


As the saying goes "You are your problem as well as your solution". There is magic here on SR, but there is no magic here that will give you what you seek which is to change your husband into the person you want him to be. It doesn't matter how good looking you are, how nice you are, how great you are, how much you love him. None of that is going to change your situation. The only thing that will change your situation is for you to come to the conclusion that you want something better for your life than what it is, and then seek the help that you need in order to stop the insanity that lassos you into this very toxic relationship. We have already told you what will help you but you don't want to take the advice. You need to stop snooping, you need to stop "trying" to control him, you need to help yourself. When you choose to do so is when you will see a change.

Wishing you strength to consider there is another way other than your way.

LexieCat

What red said, EXACTLY. It's not unlike the person who demands that someone tell him/her how to lose weight BUT it better not involve diet or exercise. People can feel bad for you, but they cannot help you. Not until you're willing to try something different from what you've been doing.

lostangel011

If I wasn't open to change and aware something was wrong I wouldn't be here. I'm asking for help on how to be in my situation not what others think I should do to leave it.

I'm just alone and broken and hurting. I don't expect anyone to tell me it is okay to take it I just was looking for support and understanding from others who have been in my shoes so I don't feel so alone and how you handled things before you got the courage to leave.

I hear everything that is advised to me and I'm taking it all in but I'm not going to get that strong overnight I will however in time with support. Instead I get yelled at for not listening to what I should do right now.. I'm starting to be sorry I ever posted.. I felt alone and the shared here and had some real understanding and for the first time ever felt not so afraid and broken and isolated... Now I feel like crap again for not changing everything the way I'm told. I thought many of you started exactly where I am today before you got strong.

I'll get there.. I'm not above change. I've overcome addiction and an ED by making deliberate changes. I can do it but this is different than getting sober it's more like my ED where I still had to deal with food and through therapy and support formed a different relationship with it and myself.

Sorry I shared my pain and sorry I'm not making instant life changing choices right away. I didn't mean to have my pain thrown back at me telling me to change or shut up.. Maybe I'm in the wrong place or beyond help

lostangel011

I did not fail in Therapy. For many years it was very helpful and effective. It's not easy to find a new therapist and build a relationship that works. It's partly me I'm sure but I agree it works I wish I could have my old one back. Even a one hour lunch with her has me more grounded and sensible than anything else. Relationships and a connection like that is hard to find. I guess you see something different though in my sharing..

LexieCat

Nobody is suggesting you have to change instantly, nor that you have to leave before you're ready. What we're responding to in these last couple of posts is not your pain and distress (which I think we all understand and acknowledge), but rather your stated unwillingness to even consider another way of living.

You can work on things like detachment and boundaries, but your statements that you won't stop any of the things you are doing (like monitoring everything he does) pretty much eliminates that as an option.

All it takes to begin is an open mind and a willingness to take a few small steps to change the dynamics here. To acknowledge that a better life is possible, rather than shooting yourself and your own prospects for happiness down at every turn.

You don't NEED him to be happy. I get that it feels that way, but that doesn't make it true. As painful as it might feel, praying for the ability and strength to see the truth can be the beginning of setting yourself free.

Nobody here wants you to suffer. But just as with getting sober, sometimes you have to trust those who have been in your shoes and done it.

You aren't unique--we have all felt overwhelmed and helpless. We want you to find freedom as so many of us did. I don't think you'll have it entirely as long as you're in this relationship, but you can still take steps toward it.