boundries and triggers question
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
boundries and triggers question
I have always been a easy going person and I don't mind being easy going. However I feel that people take advantage of this. When this happens I feel like I turn real b*tchy and would feel like I'm the one being unreasonable.
Over the weekend my ex sil took my son for a college visit 6 hours away. I was the last to know about it. (trigger) It was ok for him to go but he needed to visit the campus 7 hours away (he would of been more interested in that one). The ex and his sister arranged all this and my son told me about it Friday night. Last night I get a call from the skills school my son goes to reporting he was marked absent and I needed to call and excuse him or send a note. NOT - The ex and sil made all the arrangements they can fix that. (this is the b*tchy part)
2nd thing that has happened is I'm selling my 27 year old travel trailer. Late Last fall I had someone come look at it and his drunk buddy was with him. Drunk Daryl threw his arms around me, a complete stranger, I think he embarrassed his friend so the trailer was not sold and I was happy to remove the ad for awhile.
I put the ad back out the beginning of February and I had a young family make an offer which I accepted. He did not put down a deposit and has been stalling , been about 3 week now, some of it was ok because of snowstorms and conflicting work schedules but he would do a no show then text with some excuse or text with an excuse. I am came down on the selling price for them but he kept assuming/jumping to a conclusion after I came down on the price that I would just throw in the hitch that is very pricey. I told him today that I was not including the hitch and I got all sort of texts with excuses and How he thought it was included but he did not take into consideration that I came down a lot on the price and the trailer is still mine and no money has been exchanged even to hold it for him. I said to my sister that he reminded me of my ex wants something for next to nothing. (another trigger) I kinds got the feeling I was being taken advantage of. The ad said AS IS. I have backed out of the deal. (again feeling unreasonable)
What can I do to see these triggers coming and put up better boundaries?
Cricket
Over the weekend my ex sil took my son for a college visit 6 hours away. I was the last to know about it. (trigger) It was ok for him to go but he needed to visit the campus 7 hours away (he would of been more interested in that one). The ex and his sister arranged all this and my son told me about it Friday night. Last night I get a call from the skills school my son goes to reporting he was marked absent and I needed to call and excuse him or send a note. NOT - The ex and sil made all the arrangements they can fix that. (this is the b*tchy part)
2nd thing that has happened is I'm selling my 27 year old travel trailer. Late Last fall I had someone come look at it and his drunk buddy was with him. Drunk Daryl threw his arms around me, a complete stranger, I think he embarrassed his friend so the trailer was not sold and I was happy to remove the ad for awhile.
I put the ad back out the beginning of February and I had a young family make an offer which I accepted. He did not put down a deposit and has been stalling , been about 3 week now, some of it was ok because of snowstorms and conflicting work schedules but he would do a no show then text with some excuse or text with an excuse. I am came down on the selling price for them but he kept assuming/jumping to a conclusion after I came down on the price that I would just throw in the hitch that is very pricey. I told him today that I was not including the hitch and I got all sort of texts with excuses and How he thought it was included but he did not take into consideration that I came down a lot on the price and the trailer is still mine and no money has been exchanged even to hold it for him. I said to my sister that he reminded me of my ex wants something for next to nothing. (another trigger) I kinds got the feeling I was being taken advantage of. The ad said AS IS. I have backed out of the deal. (again feeling unreasonable)
What can I do to see these triggers coming and put up better boundaries?
Cricket
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Crijcket....I can tell you how I l earned.....by experience....by getting screwed enough times that I learned how to protect myself much, much better.
I also learned not to make assumptions...especially in business dealings....
I do think that some situations cannot be forseen....like the kid thing...which I think you handled just fine....
dandylion
I also learned not to make assumptions...especially in business dealings....
I do think that some situations cannot be forseen....like the kid thing...which I think you handled just fine....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me like your boundaries here are just fine. Your question really is how do you stop feeling uncomfortable for enforcing them.
The answer really is that you have to just keep doing it, and accept that when you do it, it may make you or other people (who are used to no boundaries) uncomfortable for a bit. That's OK--nobody ever died from being uncomfortable. When you see that the world doesn't come to a screeching halt because you said "no" or because someone didn't like it or because you felt a bit uncomfortable, you will gradually be more confident and less stressed out by it.
The answer really is that you have to just keep doing it, and accept that when you do it, it may make you or other people (who are used to no boundaries) uncomfortable for a bit. That's OK--nobody ever died from being uncomfortable. When you see that the world doesn't come to a screeching halt because you said "no" or because someone didn't like it or because you felt a bit uncomfortable, you will gradually be more confident and less stressed out by it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
This is what I'm having trouble convincing others in regards to the addict/alkie. Right now there are certain people friends and family they go to with regularity down right abusing their good nature. Also negates your own effort with them being like a child going to other parent if one says no. I've found the biggest thing is no open ended offers and make them ask for everything.
Just simple boundaries or a few more 'Nos' to even the small request help. People high or sober have to know that you will not grant their every wish or their cons will not work on everyone.
Just simple boundaries or a few more 'Nos' to even the small request help. People high or sober have to know that you will not grant their every wish or their cons will not work on everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Cricket-
I had this idea for awhile that if I laid it out perfectly I would never have to get to enforcing a boundary. I got pretty good at saying what I mean, and saying it kindly and then getting tripped up when the other person would behave like this man trying to buy your trailer.
FINALLY I learned that regardless of what I do, what other's hear is coated in their own history, perceptions and "stuff." I can't prevent triggers (for some reason I thought I could), and when I am triggered it is what my new found boundaries are for.
A wise statement my therapist repeats to me is "People don't like it when people pleasers change." It took some time for me to see this in my interactions but for me it relates so much to what has recently happened to you.
I had this idea for awhile that if I laid it out perfectly I would never have to get to enforcing a boundary. I got pretty good at saying what I mean, and saying it kindly and then getting tripped up when the other person would behave like this man trying to buy your trailer.
FINALLY I learned that regardless of what I do, what other's hear is coated in their own history, perceptions and "stuff." I can't prevent triggers (for some reason I thought I could), and when I am triggered it is what my new found boundaries are for.
A wise statement my therapist repeats to me is "People don't like it when people pleasers change." It took some time for me to see this in my interactions but for me it relates so much to what has recently happened to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
Kid thing is clear, however, they called me and son and ex did not get message. I'm not going to inform them but this is what I'm struggling with. My son has always done real well in school and I wouldn't want to purposely mess him up. The ex accused me of doing that all the time. I feel guilty not taking care of it but they arranged it did not tell, ask inform me so it's on them.
The trailer guy I felt like I was dancing to his fiddle and not mine. I can see it continuing after I sell my as is trailer
The trailer guy I felt like I was dancing to his fiddle and not mine. I can see it continuing after I sell my as is trailer
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